After so many weeks of torture, sprinkled with a a modicum of entertainment, we have arrived at the final of X-Factor. Every cloud has a silver lining, and in tonight's case it was the non-appearance of Mel B, the unfortunate victim of a mystery virus. This threw up (steady, no specific cross reference intended) the requirement for a stand-in, and Tulisa obliged, complete with someone else's lips. I recall Mel's comment in an earlier week was that "Everybody gets ill from time to time, you just have to get on with it". Rather hypocritical, eh?
Mel B has a Mystery Illness
The four judges appeared, introduced by Dermotitis who'd arrived on stage via parachute, and sadly there was no illness preventing the appearance of Cheryl Tweedy-Cole-Femidom-Vaseline. Equally disappointing was the good health of Take That, and what is now a trio that can't sing rather than a quartet [I will ignore the previous (5th) member who could never sing].
"I didn't think much of that," said Mother of TMWSC, and I suspected that Take That would not be best pleased with her heckling from the sofa, and the implied proper name of the group, I Didn't Think Much Of That. Dermot said something bland (no change there) to Barlow, and from the sofa came "Yes, but you can't sing."
Ben Haenow
Ben went to Sainsbury's, and then The Swan, his local pub. He then screamed into the microphone and we endured the padding and shit that is typical of the stuff that makes X-Factor programmes last an hour longer than necessary. In the street, in a bandstand reclaimed from Camberwick Cunting Green (or was it Trumpton) he impressed a partisan crowd with so little.
Enough of the VT shit, lets move on to the singing.
"Why's he in a box?" said Mother of TMWSC.
"Best place for him," said Mrs MWSC.
"Six feet under," said TMWSC.
"Don't be so horrible," said Mother of TMWSC.
Not quite Gogglebox, but it was only 20 minutes into the show.
"It's all production and no singing," Said Mrs MWSC
"Why are they all prancing around," said Father of TMWSC
"And he came out of a box," said Mother of TMWSC
"I love the song and I know you've had a really long journey," said Elf.
Tweedy weed into the microphone, and made noises that can only be described as a series of noises that sounded like vowels.
Sarah Jane-Crawford [CJD]was then seen in a pointless link to a squealing rabble, so that we could then ask ourselves why the fuck she was involved at all.
Andrea Faustini
It was Andrea's turn to be the centre of attention on the VT, talking Italian (much like Robert De Niro) and eating. Then it was a turn at the Albert Hall, to an ovation and a Cornetto for afters.
The singing came on, while about ten women waved their fans. "Fannies" would of course have provided rather more by way of entertainment than this very tired song choice, as old as Louis Walsh's certificate for his first use of the word "potato". We did get the gurning, as he forced out the last line while a girl in red clasped his leg.
After a geography lesson from Elf regarding Andrea's whereabouts for the week, he reeled off the standard crap for which we all tolerate and disrespect Elf..
"You came into that room with your little PUG jumper, blah blah, ai, aeo, oie, aye, a, ee, ue, pet". The Twat from the North had spoken..
"I thought it was a fantastic choice of song," said Simon.
Tulisa managed to use the word "amazing" yet again, along with "epic" and "brilliant".
Andrea was asked for his comments by Dermot, but the output was inaudible.
"They've given him a malfunctioning mike," said Mrs MWSC.
"Shame they didn't give it to the northern twat," said TMWSC.
Then CJD popped up on screen to confirm there is a lot of support for Andrea. I yawned.
Fleur East
In the interests of fairness, I will note less of Fleur's run-up to tonight, considering she's already been shown so much favouritism and red carpet. If Fleur had been in charge of the 'Yes' campaign, Scotland would be independent.
The singing was preceded by some speed rapping, and then the casts of Thriller, Cats, Miss Saigon, The Rocky Horror Picture Show and 17 people auditioning for a part in a remake of Flashdance.
Elf talked complete shite for 42 seconds non-stop, making no sense and offering humanity nothing more than a lack of silence, until his mouth had to stop due to lack of direction from a working brain.
Tulisa said something or other which was bland and not worth recording.
Cheryl FourSeasons-Vivaldi mentioned totally irrelevantly "Girl Power" like some sort of out of date cunt from the 1990s.
Simon simply churned out the sob story guff and so the last remnants of integrity seeped away.
Meghan Trainor
"What language are they singing in?" asked Father of TMWSC.
"What are they trying to take off; Jamaican or something?" he continued.
"I haven't understood a word yet," the next observation.
"No trouble," piped up Mother of TMWSC
"No Treble," corrected Mrs MWSC
"The tune's better than the words, I think," said Father of TMWSC
This continued while Mrs MWSC and I watched and listened to Megan sing "All About That Base". Mother of TMWSC was content to watch and mishear, while Father of MWSC watched - and heard fuck all.
Ben Again
The preamble to the stage performance with Ed Shearan was cringeworthy, with Simon proving how dire he can be. Obviously on stage Ben was able to show just how much worse he is than Ed.
Andrea Again
Matched with Ella Henderson is no bad fate, and after the intro by Andrea, "It's ma pleasure to introduce etc." she came on stage and served the song that everyone has heard repeatedly for so long now.
"How was that for you?" asked Dermot, showing us he has the ability to ask searching questions that strike at the heart of any performer's being! Andrea had to struggle on with a microphone that was clearly buggered, and I couldn't help thinking this was part of a conspiracy, and was provided for him on purpose?)
Fleur Again
Labrinth appears on stage to sing with Fleur, who struggles with low notes quite badly. Fleur gets an established singer, Ben gets Ed Shearan, but Andrea gets an ex-X-Factor contestant. Ben and Fleur get Simon Cowell pushing them forward, and Andrea gets an ex-X-Factor judge. This performance from Fleur and Labrinth was hardly much cop. The favouritism oozed on stage.
The Rejects
Stevi Ritchie rode in on a rocket, and then Chloe Jasmine wailed out of tune. Lead vocals got underway with Stevi killing this song completely. But no, Chloe managed to grab the corpse and kill it again! What a cunting catastrophe. "The Time of My Life" was perhaps the worst song choice for this rabble, considering their presence ensured I was most certainly not having such a time.
Wagner arrived with two tits (well, four because the two women were not deformed). Katie Waissel reminded me she was still alive, and I didn't thank her for it. Chico arrived and joined in, but I have no idea who the two blokes in silver jackets were. The X-Factor Greatest Tits.
Dermot was on screen after the 83rd break, to introduce us to the judges and gain some last minute insights. Obviously Simon said nothing we didn't expect, Elf said "Fleur, Fleur, Fleur" and I was tempted to shout "Oi, Oi, Oi" in response. Let's agree to ignore the woman purporting to be Tulisa. "Cheryl, you are independent, you can say what you like; who do you like?" asked Dermot. This was clearly a testing question, and would have stretched the intellect severely of anyone thus interrogated by Dermotitis. With nothing by way of intellect, Cheryl FebrezeOr-SomeVanish waffled about enjoying herself, and other than that she was "having a good time" I learned nothing. She simply couldn't and didn't answer the question. Twat.
The Result - Part One
As ever, "In no particular order" came Fleur as the first contender through to the final. Then Ben was announced, proving the success of the conspiracy theory evident so very clearly this week to anyone with a brain. With dignity he accepted his fate, and during the recap we realised that he is most certainly a nice chap. I suspect that Mel B will announce her mystery illness is still in place, saving her from appearing tomorrow as well, and having any link with her charge, Andrea.
There is just ONE reason why Mel B might deserve our respect, and that is linked to the conspiracy theory. If she learned of, and was not happy with, the engineering of the outcome for the final two, then obviously she may have chosen to 'develop' the illness that remains a 'mystery'. Having no part of the charade would of course be a perfectly appropriate course of action!
Let's tune in tomorrow and see Fleur pick up the prize.
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