Tonight the pain of X-Factor was upon us once more, with the results show that culled the survivors to a trio. Some might argue that this was three too many, and I'd be inclined to agree. Surely there has to be a revamp, because a twelfth series with no changes to the format will be hell on earth, and something to be avoided at all costs.
The Elf has confirmed to the media that he's exhausted, although he omitted to add "demented" and "stupid" to the update. Mel and Cheryl NoWayIs-SheWorthIt have been on less than good terms, if we are to believe the stories floating around about the fallout. For my money, Scraggy Spice needs to be dumped [and I would make an exception on my dislike of fly tipping in this case] while the annoying Cheryl Fruitella-Darjeeling needs eliminating much more than Stevi Ritchie ever did!
The programme kicked off with a crap performance by Fifth Harmony, instead of a scrap between Mel B and Cheryl AssaultIn-TheToilets which would have been so much more entertaining. The wailing five-some was proof that talent is not needed to get on TV.
The recap VT included the quote from Mel B - "Ben Haenow just killed it". Fuck knows what he killed, and what he used to kill it, but Rentokil must be keen to sign him. "Andrea absolutely killed," said the Elf, a few seconds later. We will never know what Andrea actually killed, as Elf forgot to finish the fucking sentence.
Sam Bailey then came on to the stage to waste three minutes of my life. She more than succeeded, complete with frowns to the camera, some high pitched noises that attracted no alien beings despite earnest effort to do so. For someone with such a good voice to serve such bland shit is rather criminal. Behind her were dozens of people trying to enhance the noise coming our way, but neither the violins nor the backing singers did much that was constructive in this regard. What a weird and lame song, Sam!
"We've missed that," said Dermot O'Really? The gap in her teeth matched the size of Dermot's brain, as he decided to give her a peck on the cheek ahead of her departure. The break came, to release me from the grip of this shit on screen. Sadly one of the adverts was for Sam Bailey's album, The Power of Love, in the format of a 'Gift Edition'. I haven't got anyone I dislike enough to get it for them. The 'While Stocks Last' footnote on screen seemed silly to me, as that will be a 'Fucking Long Time'.
Dermotitis managed to inform us all that with 4 millions votes cast, it was the greatest amount of votes ever, avoiding the correct English that would have led to his use of the word 'number' instead of 'amount'.
Fleur was announced as through to the final, followed by Ben. Simon looked as smug as ever. I decided I wasn't keen on spending £1.54 on the competition to win Simon's car, and opened a can of lager in the break, ready for the sing-off.
The next section should have come with a public heath warning. Sadly ITV failed in its duty of care, and after the break, I was cuntingly exposed to some absolutely awful SHIT courtesy of a giggling twat in a dress and one Michael Buble. This assault on my ears was severe, dire and dusgusting. The small talk afterwards was nauseating in the extreme, and Dermot was a sycophantic nob. For one in my life, an advert break was welcome relief from this rubbish. A break folowed by a crap 'song' and another break was hardly prime time viewing. In this "two-cunt sandwich" the outside breaks were the best bit!
Fortunately there was no lingering Buble or woman in black, and it was time for the sing-off. Lauren warbled along and was followed by Andrea, who gurned as usual, while trying to fart. The nervous wailing was only outdone by the facial expressions that defied humanity. Still, he was rather more likely to win than Lauren based on this level of input.
Cheryl WinkBingo-Graffiti was up first for the voting, and she stuck with Lauren
"You peaked for me tonight," said Scraggy Spice, regarding Lauren
"You took it to church yet again," said Scraggy Spice, regarding Andrea
The Elf saved Andrea, and Simon did the same, meaning Andrea was through to the final.
Fair play to Lauren, displaying level headedness and a maturity in defeat that's rarely seen. This makes a change from the tears, and Dermot hugging a blithering idiot.
Elimination Log
Lauren Platt = Week 9
Stereo Kicks = Week 8
Stevi Ritchie (Wild Card) = Week 7
Only The Young = Week 7
Jay James = Week 6
Paul Akister = Week 5
Lola Saunders (Wild Card) = Week 4
Jack Walton (Wild Card) = Week 4
Jake Quickenden = Week 3
Chloe Jasmine = Week2
Stephanie Nala = Week 2
Overload Generation (Wild Card) = Week 1
Blonde Electra = Week 1
...
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