At last - the 'Final' of Strictly Come Dancing, after so many weeks, the majority of which were tainted by the inclusion of Judy Murray. Needless to say that this final has more than two finalists, because that's the way things are nowadays.
Caroline Flack has been revealed in the last 48 hours as someone who was professionally trained, spending three years being taught to dance in a performing arts degree course. This small but highly relevant fact was kept quiet by all parties until now, courtesy of the Daily Mail. This snippet clearly makes any vote for Flackers an endorsement of the educational process rather than any encouragement for a legitimate dance contestant.
The final should of course have seen a line-up of Frankie Bridge, Caroline Flack and Pixie Lott. This would satisfy the apparent need for a final containing more than just two contestants, without stretching things to the ludicrous four that is deemed necessary. Sadly a fuck-up from all directions saw Simon Webbe get through in place of Pixie, at which point she'd scored the highest tally of points during the whole series. Then Jake was ousted by Mark Wright who got Len's casting vote, despite having no proper Rumba moves in his shoeless prance.
Frankie - Samba = 39/40
"Well done My Darling," said Tess, with her first use of the night.
"My Darling" was included in Bruno's speech.
"You have redeemed yourself, Darling," said Craig.
"Good luck My Darling," said Tess, as she ushered them away towards Claudia.
Mark - Cha Cha Cha = 35/40
"You came from the dance gutter, Darling," included Craig in his comments.
Caroline - Cha Cha Cha = 40/40
"Well done, My Lovely," said Tess to Caroline, as she ushered her away. I sensed a change of tack from Tess, after the shortage of Darlings.
Simon - Charleston = 39/40
Kristina decided to wear a pair of white knickers that showed during the dancing in an off-putting way, in contrast to the black costume.
Frankie - Show Dance = 38/40
"It did look a bit like you were training a horse," said Craig, regarding the three benches.
Behind Claudia, the others were imitating horses, trotting backwards and forwards. In this regard, Judy Murray was for the first time not out of her depth.
Mark - Show Dance = 35/40
"You could probably sell DVDs, Darling," said Craig.
"You were flying around like Harry Potter on a Nimbus 2000," said Len.
Caroline - Show Dance = 40/40
A "My Darling" from Tess, after an interesting dance to say the very least.
Simon - Show Dance = 39/40
"You have taught him brilliantly, My Darling," said Craig.
"Off you go My Darling," said Tess.
This marked the end of the first part, and the start of voting. I think the only thing we can all be certain of is that Tess Daly should follow Bruce Forsythe and leave SCD.
The 'padding' involved some talking by the finalists, and Mark was up first to comment on his Shtrikly [sic] experience. The vote-counting requirement led to a forced break of 55 minutes, a totally unnecessary length of time to kick one off, especially as voting stopped after just 20 minutes. This no doubt had something to do with us being fed "Atlantis". I obviously switched over, though NOT to Harry Potter & The Half-Cuntin Bloody-Fuckin Prince.
Part Two
The first couple ejected was Mark and Karen, which was at least in keeping with the judges' scores. Tess gave him a "My Darling", which hardly came as a surprise.
Frankie - Paso Doble = 39/40
"Well done, My Darling," said Bruno.
"Commendable, Darling," from Craig.
Caroline - Charleston = 40/40
"They're on their feet in the studio, My Darling," said Tess.
"A dazzling routine, My Love," said Tess, as she ushered Caroline away.
"It's raining tens, hallelujah," said Tess, and I groaned.
Simon - Argentine Tango = 40/40
"It takes two to Tango," said Tess.
Final Leader Board
Caroline - 120
Simon - 118
Frankie - 116
The series recap allowed the votes to be counted, and we were able to realise just how bad some of the participants were. Then it was time to realise (yet again) that Take That can't sing, and that the show's singers alongside Dave Arch are rather better! The three numpties in their pale blue outfits were embarrassing. Their little "dad dancing" routines were simply awful.
These Days they're shit. This medley of songs proved mediocrity on their part and boredom on mine.
Tess growled her intro to "the class of 2014". Murray arrived on stage via a crane masked by a bunch of balloons and then jumped into the arms of Anton du Beke, recreating the horrible experience of a few weeks ago. Tess then horrified me with news that for a 'special' next week, we will be getting Bruce Forsyth! That's how to ruin Christmas.
The padding, recapping and dragging out of the show started to eat at my nerves, and I longed for the result to arrive. Just when I thought that might happen, I found out I needed to get further input by way of the judges, and their views on the dancers.
At Last - The Result . . . . . . . . Caroline and Pasha
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