30.11.14 Results Night: SCD & X-Factor

Strictly Come Dancing

The result of tonight's show was never going to be anything other than Sunetra Sarker leaving, and this was exactly what happened.  Alfie Boe, or Haribo sang something rather too slowly to be any good, though just about fucking recognisable.  Andre Rieu was on TV when I was in the kitchen, and this was my intended approach to the unnecessary padding.  Tess Daly managed to annoy, and demonstrated "Ugly In Pink" as a facet of the show.


X-Factor

The show was opened by a tribute act, "Queen with somebody-or-other".  It was actually the members of the old Queen together with a replacement for Freddie Mercury (as if there could be one!) called Adam Lambert.  I am sure he's a nice enough chap, and he can certainly sing, but not being Freddie Mercury is a handicap that he will never overcome.

"You're everybody's favourite Italian teddy bear," said the Elf, regarding Andrea Faustini.  I must advise all readers that I have never had in my life any "favourite Italian" nor a "favourite teddy bear" and so I've most emphatically got every reason to dispute Louis's claim that Andrea is my "favourite Italian teddy bear" for fuck's sake!  The four chaps served as a warning to any other group that this is how it could end, unless hari kari is taken as a more appropriate option by the members.

Union J wasted four minutes of my life.

"You got it all," they sang.  Yes, but I did not fucking want it!  Could you not have given me rather less . . . like fuck all?

In the break, I was offered the Union J single for £2.99.  What a cheek, and about four quid too cuntin much!  There was a One Direction dvd then touted, with them in concert.  I shuddered and then regained by senses as the screen flicked away from anything to do with 1D.  This was all followed by yet another fucking advert for ITV.Be, the channel full of shit that I have purposely never tuned into for a reason.  That does not stop me having to deal with the onslaught of shitty self-promoting trailers provided by the cunts in charge at ITV.

Andrea was pronounced safe.  Mel was pleased, and clumped off stage like the Sasquatch.
Fleur was pronounced safe.
Sadly Ben was pronounced safe.
This left Lauren to sing against the Stereo Cocks.

Ella Henderson sang for us and proved that she is a star, and so much better than the competition has produced this year.

Lauren sang extremely well, while Cheryl PotNoodle-Linguini managed to frown most of the way through it.  There was no way that the eight Stereo Cocks would better that.  They warbled, taking turns to annoy me.  They managed to sing out of tune with some dodgy harmonies, and proved that juggling input from eight wannabes is not easy, especially for the likes of Louis Walsh.

Predictably, Louis saved the boys and then Mel decided to annoy me more than the Stereo Cocks!  She saved the Cocks, and I have decided she needs to fuck off permanently.  Cheryl PerPicker-PerPenguin saved her own act, of course. Lauren sang the best, so Simon voted to save her, meaning a 'deadlock' situation.  Teenage girls with overactive cunting thumbs therefore had a chance to have their way and save the Cocks.  BUT - they were all busy eating pizzas and squeezing their spots, and their fingers and especially their thumbs were to slippery to get their texts registered.  Justice, then, as Lauren made it through to next week.

What a great outcome.  This will probably be taken as success by the deluded and deranged Elf, who has embraced senility this year with a passion.


...

29.11.14 X-Factor - The End Is In Sight

X-Factor in its current format is basically doomed.  I think there has to be a major revamp, and I am not talking just about ejection for Mel B, Cheryl NotTartan-ButTweedy and Louis Walsh.  No, things need changing rather more than a switch of judges.

Finally we have managed to shake off Stevi Ritchie, but as in previous years, we have endured dross at the expense of real entertainment.  Just like Wagner and Jedward before him, Stevi has been the 'laughing fodder' and has annoyed just before an overdue exit when the last five get down to a proper contest for top spot.  This familiar process is mirrored by the BBC's Strictly Come Dancing show where we've had in recent times a similar phenomenon, and overdue exits for Ann Widecombe, John Sergeant, Dave Myers and latterly, the horrendous Judy Murray - where's 'Punch' when you need him?

Add to this X-Factor fiasco the really awful weekly themes and you'll understand just how lame and outdated the whole mess really is.  'Big Band' week was the most dire experience ever, and then we get served songs by Whitney Houston and Elton John.  Hmmm . . . that's very current, eh?

As for the performances of the jostling judges, I have to conclude that all need shooting.  Cheryl Veranda-Gazebo is so fucking tedious that she makes the Elf seem like scintillating company, and Mel B has run her course.

ROUND ONE

Ben Haenow

Ben wailed as usual, and strained while giving his formulaic performance.  I can't really warm to this sound week after week.

Lauren Platt

Dodgy vocals all the way.  Really quite terrible, all allegedly linked to the throat infection.

"For me that was faultless" said Louis. Twat.

Stereo Cocks

The VT ahead of the "singing" was cringeworthy.  Tulisa featured, looking like a lizard after OD-ing on Botox.  The noise that this collective spewed was overlaid by the numerous rabble such that Enya could have produced it.  This was an endurance test, getting to the end of the shit.  Teenage girls have a lot to fucking answer for.  Lets hope their thumbs are unable to text this week.

"The track swallowed you tonight," said Mel.  "I like it when I can hear your voices."

I wish something would swallow them, Mel.  As for your second point, I think the complete opposite.

Fleur East

Louis spun round in his chair, wearing an inane grin as he watched Fleur walk around the judges desk, while delivering a middle-of-the-road song.  She is of course a polished performer, but the song itself was a bit limp.

"You made that song cool, hip and current," said Mel.  Er . . . no.

Andrea Faustini

"My boy, Andrea, is gonna smash it," said Mel.  I am so tired of this constant talk of "smashing it" and "killing it".  It ended up all rather too 'high pitched' for me.  Cheryl WhyAyeMan-HelloPet called him Andrea pronouncing it like the girl's name.  "You made it your own," said Mel.  Yawn!


ROUND TWO

Lauren Platt

In the VT she saw her go back to school.  Anyone would think she'd been away for more than a couple of months.  Fair play to her, though, because this effort was a whole lot better than the first wavering song.  She redeemed herself.  How come she's suddenly no sick, then?

"You are the perfect little pop star," said Elf.
"You smashed it," said Mel B.
"You've shown aged 17 you can power through and troop on," said Cheryl FurBollocks-FairDinkum

Ben Haenow

"Okay, so, . . . . . . blah, blah," said Mel.  Anyone who inappropriately uses the word 'so' is a twat.

Cheryl Persona-NonGrata was booed by the audience - always a wholly appropriate action. Ben's voice is so one dimensional.

Stereo Cocks

A right fucking disaster and travesty!  They should all be wrapped in a tarpaulin and thrown into a canal [weighted down with bricks, of course].

Mel's daughter (Phoenix) was apparently in the audience and she loves them. Yawn.
Cheryl BecauseI'm-NotWorthIt said it was better than their first performance.

Fleur East

She is surely the most accomplished performer that has featured on X-Factor for some time!  Super.

"The higher registrar," said Mel, in her round-up, instead of referring to "register".  This idiot was talking fucking illiterate cuntin bollocks.  Fuck off, Mel B (for Bollocks).

Cheryl Trivago-Tombola talked shit, mumbling something bland.

Andrea Faustini

He sang well enough, and did his thing.  He should of course progress in the competition.


ROUND-UP

Twat

If there's any justice, the Stereo Kunts will be evicted tomorrow, and Louis (the Elf) will be found a place in a retirement home.  Cheryl Gazpacho-Lambrini will learn she's not welcome next year, and Mel B will simply fuck off.

...

29.11.14 Strictly Come Dancing (My Darling)

Daly - Strictly Come Darling

The best thing about Strictly Come Dancing these days is that the awful Judy Murray is not on it.  Sadly for all of us, Tess Daly is still on screen,

Pixie Lott 

She can do no wrong.  At the end, Tess Daly managed to annoy with her first "My darling" reference of the evening, to Pixie.  Foghorn is intent on using this term of endearment all the time now.  38/40

Mark Wright

He gave it his usually welly, and was just off the pace in dancing, if not in enthusiasm.  32/40

Sunetra Sarker

Tess 'growled' at Claudia's puns ahead of her introduction, and I expected not a lot of 'wow' from Sunetra and Brendan.  She glided and waffled around the dance floor in a mellow mood, making it a rather original performance, even if I didn't really buy it.  Tess said "My darling" to Len, when asking him for his comments, and then again said "My darling" to Sunetra after his input.  A quick "My darling" to Sunetra as she ushered her towards the stairs took the count to four.  27/40

Caroline Flack

"Come here, my love.  You brought the house down, darling," said Foghorn Leghorn.  "Congratulations darling," said Foghorn, after Len had his say.  There was another "Darling" as Tess pointed Caroline to the stairs. The dance performance was very good indeed.  39/40

Simon Webbe

This was as boring as mud in a swamp.  Somehow it was thought to be on the money, though.  38/40

Frankie Bridge

She's always good, although I was actually of the opinion that the start was a bit messy.  It was packed with jittering and she always gets a good score.  I think I might have missed a "Darling" from Foghorn.  36/40

Jake Wood

An odd mix of dancing, with a few mistakes.  This was miles short of the Simon Webbe and Kristina Rihanoff Argentine Tango of a few weeks ago.  A "My darling" from Foghorn saw him go upstairs for the vote.  29/40

Nine Darlings.

...

29.11.14 Black Friday

Thank heavens that's over.  The hype has been ludicrous, and totally in sync with the actions of many shoppers.  I am not referring to the internet clickers, who've trawled and evaluated so-called offers and discounts for hours, trying to work out whether the 59% discount on a forty quid item is worth that much when the normal 'discount' is 38% on Amazon any day of any week.  After two hours of deliberation, the £8.40 difference is irrelevant because those who couldn't work it out have already bought the entire stock.

I resisted the urge to buy a Philips Toothbrush and allegedly "SAVE" £150, mainly because I'd still have had to hand over ninety-nine cuntin quid!

I'd pondered whether a trip to Tesco or Asda would be lucrative, but I don't kneed a Blaupunkt TV, nor a Polaroid one.  There were no bargain women with long legs on offer, so I stayed at home.

I have read a couple of theories on how this whole phenomenon came to be named Black Friday.  One suggests it's the day when retailers traditionally go "into the black", in other words, start to make a profit for the year.  More worrying is the other theory that states how slave traders used to sell slaves at a discount the day after Thanksgiving, to boost the resources of plantation owners for their preparations ahead of winter.  This is a rather more worrying basis for the name, and this further import from America.  I am already cuntin fucked off with the whole Halloween shite, and now we have endorsement for rugby tackles in shops, police involvement and feral behaviour that has come with an event that's as close to looting as it's possible to get.

What a mess.

...

23.11.14 X-Factor Result Show

Pretending to give/have a shit

When Cheryl HerBlandness-VerTweedy decided to "award" Simon one Stevi Ritchie as a wild card, I suspect she was hoping to saddle him with a pointless addition to his existing line-up.  Now, after many weeks of torture, I find it rather amusing that her attempt to be of little genuine help to Simon has seen Stevi stay in the running while her team of four has dwindled to just one. Quite laughably, Stevi is now, going into tonight's show, set to be in 6th place at very worst; not bad for a chap that simply cannot fucking sing, eh?

Dermotitis gave us his little golf stroke and kick of the leg, before introducing the four squabbling judges.  After a pointless ramble of an introduction, he announced the arrival on stage of "the finalists".  These comprised five separate singers, and then another eight kids to boost the numbers.  They all sang something about "Saturday" on this Sunday evening, and proved the irrelevance of anything they do.

The recap reminded us that Ben needs a bloody good cough, that Andrea can wail till the cows come home, that Fleur is the best entertainer, that Stevi is still fucking here, and that Stereo Kicks are cocks.  Sadly Corsodyl Vodka-Martini discovered that despite a throat infection, she could still speak when for once, miming would have been okay.

Labrinth is a nice guy, and somehow agreed to appear on the programme, as a nice interlude in the dross that is served to us all by ITV.

"I can wriggle without worries.  Up to 100% leak protection," I learned, from the Always advert.  The "up to" element of the claim was rather worrying, I suspect, for any women on a period, as that could mean 1% - and an unwanted appearance of Simply Red (is there any other kind?).

The Olly Murs advert for the new album "Never Been Better" was rather an inaccurate claim, in my opinion!

Dermotitis announced the results were in, and we were reintroduced to the judges.  Stereo Cocks were safe, we learned, just before Fleur was given the all clear.  Ben got through, and left Stevi, Andrea and Lauren to sweat while we had to survive yet another advert break and take that just ahead of Take That. Unfortuntely we had to endure, first, the mug of Bob Geldof yet again, warbling about his awful Band Aid song.  See my post called "There Was An Old Woman" if you need any further information.

"I'm Shit," said Gary

The three blokes left in Take Tha' managed to mumble their collective way through a pathetic load of tosh, which included "when you live in the world" as if there is anywhere else to live.  The dire dancing was below the standard occasionally displayed by Dermot at the beginning of the show.  This bollocks completely proves that the quality of anything is irrelevant if performed by people who've already "made it".  Barlow has now lost any possible warrant to have an opinion on would-be pop stars, after this mundane cuntishness!  Sit DOWN, judges, unless you've got cunting piles!

Back to the result (the reason for tonight' show!) and we learned that Lauren was safe.  This left a sing-off between Andrea and Stevi.  Hmmm . . . . that'll be close.  Now, THAT, Alanis Morisette, is sarcasm, and NOT irony.  The only interest here was going to come from whether Simon Cowell would be losing all integrity and voting for Stevi.

Andrea sang 'Stop' and Stevi came next to try for the first time to sing something, even though it was a crap song.  "This is the moment" he sang, and I thought yes, time for a piss.  Chernobyl Fajitas-Panini fucking stood up and clapped!  Mel mentioned giving him 'props' twice, and I couldn't for the life of me work out what props he used during the performance other than the microphone.

The two women saved Andrea, and Simon was called upon to vote.  "You are the one who showed the most passion," said Cowell, and tried to work into the mix some sort of cuntish basis for allowing his vote to go to Stevi.  Integrity BLOWN to cunting smithereens.  We were left with the Elf and I nervously awaited his input.  Fortunately he opted to save Andrea.

6th Place for Stevi, then.

...

22.11.14 X-Factor

Basket Case, Louis Walsh (AKA The Elf)

After the fuck-up by Mel and Fernandez VerGina last week, keeping in Stevi Ritchie, they had the nerve to show their faces again this week.


Lauren Platt [Aged 17 in case you don't fucking know]

"How Will I know?"she sang/asked.  She was reasonable enough.
"I really feel like I now know you," said Mel.  Is that what it takes, Mel?
"You're 17 years old and you want to be a pop star," said Simon.  Really?
"For a 17-year-old girl blah blah blah, why aye," said Cheryl Verbatim Verruca

Ben Haenow

"Everybody tells me you're the nicest guy in the house," said Louis.  Well, that counts for everything doesn't it?  NO!

Meanwhile, Cheryl Verging-on-illiterate said it was not the time to take a risk, and certainly "Not that iconic of a Whitney song," thus proving her inability to speak English, talk sense, or pronounce anything without it sounding like a whine or a whinge.

Only The Young

The 3-11 age group is the target audience for this foursome, along with Louis Walsh, of course.  A job at a holiday camp beckons after ejection from the competition.  The shortcomings in the quality of the singing, harmonising and sounding any better than average are overlooked by the younger audience.

"Your vocals are always on point," lied Mel.
"There's nobody out there like you; we need to remember that," said VerTweedy.  "Thank heavens," said I.

Andrea Faustini

The wailing diva delivered the usual, steady (arguably middle of the road) performance that should keep him in the running.  He can certainly sing, and in a singing competition that helps.

Fleur East

"I'm Every Woman" was performed with some aplomb, and I still think she's the best all round performer.

"Wowzer," said Mel.  "I wasn't mad on what you were wearing," said Cheryl VerMimer Rose-arse Weedy.  That's rich coming from someone who looked liked Kermit at the beginning of the series, and moved on to wrapping herself in clingfilm!

Stevi Ritchie

"I'm Still Standing (thanks to Mel and Churlish)" was served up with his usual inability to sing.  The eight women on stage with him were rather more entertaining than Stevi.

"What was all that about?" said the Elf.
"Right now there's problems in the house," said Mel.
"I think it's amazing that you're here; congratulations," said Cheryl FerFuckSake.  It's fucking amazing that YOU'RE still here, luv!
"I don't know what Brian was thinking," said Simon.

Stereo Kicks

The Elf still needed to refer to his list when he introduced the eight chaps by name.  The song was "Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me" and bored me to cunting death.  Why they got a standing ovation I've no idea.

"Your harmonies were on point," said Mel, yet again missing the cunting point.
"We just don't want it to end," said one of the trainee prefects, ensuring a final lack of originality from the contestants this week.  If we are not careful, then we just might get to learn that some cunt or other is "having fun", "having so much fun" or hoping to "make my family proud".


...

22.11.14 I'm A Celebrity Recap

Fictional TV   v   Reality TV

The programme should of course be called I'm Not A Celebrity But I'm In Here Anyway rather than its actual title.  This week we have endured the usual pathetic mix of input from wannabes and z-listers who most probably hope to improve their standing in the world, or actually gain some recognition in the first place.

Gemma Collins

By far and away the worst example of a participant (and I use that term very loosely) was Gemma Collins, the quite dreadful example of a self-obsessed human being, and someone whose sense of personal entitlement and expectation is at a level far beyond anything ever earned.  Instead of embracing the challenge for which she signed up, she decided to start bellyaching right from the outset, and the usual helicopter ride.  Pathetic fucker.

Gemma has managed to out-Flanagan Helen Flanagan in the uselessness stakes, and do so while displaying not just a ditsy outlook and low tolerance level for anything more demanding than breathing, but a very, very unattractive attitude.  She is perhaps not helped by her looks; I refer NOT to her weight [that can move and speak for itself] but to her hard-faced whinging.  I concede that I did say to Mrs MWSC the other day that "With no make-up, she's really rather unattractive; like a rhino without the horn".  That simply made what she was saying even more unattractive.  However, as I have said, it is as a person that she will prove to have failed awfully.  I have no doubt that the public will take a long time to forgive her, if indeed it does.

Dec highlighted her non-existent input when, after her assertion that this was the hardest thing she'd ever done, he queried what it actually was that she'd "done".  Her display this week has provided proof (as if any were needed) that the world of reality TV is a completely fucked-up one, creating a right mess for those taking part, and an horrendous example for all those viewers aspiring to have a similar lifestyle.  But while television channels persist with their invites to every waste-of-space who wants something for nothing, then we will continue to be fed trash TV and see people with standards lower than a limbo dancer's personal best.

It is indeed hard to escape shit TV.  You'll have noticed that ITV has gone some way to helping, through its creation of yet another channel - ITV.Be. This is simply a dumping ground for SHIT television offerings, and I have never tuned into it.  However, despite my stalwart attempts to shield myself from the crap, ITV on its main channel seems intent on fucking me off with adverts for ITV.Fucking.Be!

Jake Quickenden

Can we please have an explanation as to how the fuck this guy is in Australia, and on my television, in a show that is allegedly full of celebrities, please? Just in case anyone is unsure of who Jake is, he was on this year's X-Factor singing competition, but came 12th, mainly because he can't sing.  This, apparently, is qualification enough for a profile as a "reality star", according to ITfuckingV.  This was the strapline below his name, when he was introduced to the jungle camp a couple of days ago, alongside Edwina Curry.

Now, Jake may well be a nice guy, although he's as shallow as a one person's piss in a swimming pool.  It is quite clear that his credentials for appearing on I'm Not   Celebrity By I'm In Here Anyway are that he is young, has muscles, and might shag something.  He should note that if he gets anywhere with Kendra Wilkinson, one of the ex-girlfriends of Hugh Hefner, then he'll surely have to avoid giving her an orgasm - otherwise he'll get the "Oh my Gaaaaaarrrrdddd" wail that we've all come to know and hate, this week.

Edwina Curry

I read somewhere that she's getting £110,000 for this jungle excursion.  Nice work if you can get it.

Laura, Joe and Rob

The best entertainment from IACGMOOH is provided over on ITV2, on the sister show that has the word "Now" added.  There is a great atmosphere on the hour-long follow-on show, and it is genuinely funny.  The three presenters are most certainly worthy of airtime.

...

21.11.14 X-Factor and Pass The Parcel

The Truth About Last Weekend

It seems that last week, we experienced a bizarre and terrible game of pass the parcel, culminating in a final 'pass the buck' incident.  Let me explain.  On X-Factor, there are two brain cells in operation at any one time on the judging panel.  I discount any real input or relevance to Mr O'Leary.  He suffers from severe Dermotitis, but is able to function on autopilot, after being configured by Simon Cowell.  Thus, Dermot trundles along without concern, care, thought or real ability, though remains inoffensive as well as bland.  On the judging panel, there is one brain cell permanently positioned with Simon, not surprising seeing as he is top dog.  The other brain cell is shared by the other three overpaid sedentary muppets.

Let's make no mistake, Louis Walsh is useless at the game (and everything else, including talking sense) and until last week, never held on to the brain cell for more than a split second, enough time to give him the ability to keep breathing.  Most of the 'pass the parcel' time was taken by Mel and Cheryl, who tried to hang on to it for ages, and passed it very slowly - sometimes between each other and ignoring the dimwitted Elf all together!

Last Saturday, it all went horribly wrong, after the sing-off between Jay James and Stevi Ritchie.  When the music stopped, Louis was left in charge of the brain cell!  This fluke, as rare as a lunar eclipse, left the two women floundering. First, Simon confirmed that he was saving Jay, and ejecting Stevi.  Clearly his brain cell was working properly.  Dermot O'Blimey then asked the Elf for input, and a strangely coherent Louis Walsh, empowered by the brain cell that was giving him the will to do more than just breathe, confirmed a similar view - that Jay was being saved, and Stevi was to go home.  At 2-0 with the women still to vote, it seemed a done deal.

Simon had, on Saturday, confirmed that Stevi Ritchie's performance was probably "the worst ever" on X-Factor, and whilst Jay James was awful in the sing-off, he was not worse than Stevi.  Possibly to try and retain personal integrity, Simon chose to save the very weak Jay.  Mel B has for weeks been moaning about Stevi, and she was now being presented with a chance to eject this nice chap who has no talent for singing.  But Louis was smiling through the power of the brain cell recharging him, and Mel had no ability to function sensibly.  She opted to highlight that Jay was bad (true) by voting to eject him even though Stevi was worse.  What a hypocrite, after her previous comments about this being a "singing competition", and she needs to go after this series. 2-1, and Cheryl was up next.

Cheryl was without a brain cell; the last time this happened, she hit a toilet attendant, so I feared for Simon who was sitting next to her.  She looked bewildered as the camera turned to her for her vote.  She struggled to make any sound, a familiar state of affairs after all her time miming, but eventually decided that "deadlock" was the promised land, and proved herself to be a waste of space.  Talk about shirking her responsibility.  Still, at least she didn't thump Simon in the eye.  Nevertheless, this little fuck-up together with her general demeanour this series should hopefully be enough for her own elimination from X-Factor after this series.  There can surely be no doubt that she has lost the affections of the general public (not that I ever held her in any esteem at all) and if she goes, I'll be giving an enthusiastic 'why aye' - and hopefully not getting a 'black eye' for my trouble.

The deadlock at 2-2 meant that Dermotitis had to take an envelope containing a card on which the public's decision was written, and read it out.  His configuration meant he needed no brain cell of course, and as the judges looked and listened on, the Elf still grinning and keeping hold of the brain cell, Dermot O'Nearly confirmed Jay was going home.

This all happened because the natural order of things was upset.  The music at the end of the sing-off stopped 0.0128 seconds too early, and Louis Walsh was in possession of the brain cell.  This Sliding Doors moment changed the course of things.

...

21.11.14 There Was an Old Woman

Out Of Her Shoe

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe
She had so many children she didn't know what to do
She gave them some shite from her old deranged head
Then went her own way, seeking glory instead.

This grey-haired old woman knew not when to quit
After Band Aid the first time, she learned not to knit
But turned her attention to being a pain
In the arse, in the face and again and again!

The yoyo keeps ranting, demanding our cash
With pompousness, crassness and fuck all panache
Her urge to demean us and shout is innate
Yet we're somehow supposed to believe she is great!

This shambolic woman who once had a shoe
Now puts in the boot before thinking it through
She's worth thirty million yet blackmails the poor
Into thinking they ought to be giving much more.

She's anti-establishment, hasn't a job
But treasures her knighthood and love the "Sir Bob"
She's simply a nuisance, and here's my complaint
She gets to be lauded as some fucking saint!

Her outspoken bollocks attacking Adele
Was disgusting, outrageous; the singer's done well
To keep at arms length the brigade singing crap
Conducted by Bob who deserves a good slap.

There was an old woman with little to do
Who had so much money but no bloody clue
Deciding she needed an African cause
She imposed her attention, her jowls and her jaws.

The media bowed and sucked up to her pleas
For some airtime to preach and to put on the sqeeze
The song is outdated, and simply not good
But Bob isn't bothered, that's well understood.

The limelight that beckoned her, out from her shoe
Has shown us quite clearly she's somebody who
Likes to take credit, be seen as so pure
And meanwhile, we all have a thought for Midge Ure.


Copyright TMWSC
...

15.11.14 X-Factor Forecast

This X-Factor Rigmarole is getting so boring, and predictable.  In fact, it is as steady and formulaic as a shipping forecast, hence the informative picture above.  Even the bickering judges are cunting predictably bickering. Obviously Dermotitis prevails in dire form.

Andrea Faustini 

He was so middle of the road, appealing to women of a certain age who knit. I am sure he will get jumpers donated to him from these fans.  Viking, North Utsire, South Utsire, Forties

Lauren Platt 

She sang 'Smile', a shit song that makes an outing every fucking year.  The only thing less interesting would have been a version of 'One Day At A Time, Sweet Jesus'.  I doubt Lauren is the next Lena Martell.  Cromarty, Forth, Tyne, Dogger

Jay James 

He managed 'New York, New York' and bored the the arse off me.  What was the point of this performance.  Fisher, German Bight, Humber, Thames

Stereo Cocks

The Dublin Primary School 'milk monitors' were sadly not under the knife, and instead sang Mack The Knife.  At break time, they were at least able to each get a Penguin from the packet, with one left for Louis.  Dover, Wight, Portland, Plymouth

Ben Haenow

Cry Me A River, and this almost brought me to tears.  I suspect my dislike of this style of music is contributing to the boredom.  Biscay, Trafalgar, FitzRoy, Sole

Only The Young

Jungle Book shit, by the kids' party entertainers, with some line dancing in the middle.  "You know who you are," said Mel.  Thanks, Mel, for this wonderful insight.  "That was so much fun," said VerTweedy. [No it fucking wasn't]. Lundy, Fastnet, Irish Sea

Stevi Ritchie

Dire, shit, fucking awful.  The monotone sent me into a trance.  A complete mess.  "I don't get it," said Mel, in a pining northern accent.  Cheryl said something unintelligible about "fun".  Mel then said something about his performance, ending with "I get it," proving her contradictory stance.  "One of the worst performances ever," said Simon.  Shannon, Rockhall, Malin, Hebrides

Fleur East

A more interesting performance than the others, and for this reason, I suggest her effort tonight was the best of a bunch, even if it was not a surprise.  Well done.  "I have to give you props," said VerTwaddle.  Bailey, Fair Isle, Faeroes, Southeast Iceland

...

15.11.14 Strictly Come Dancing

Judy Murray again bored the arse off me with a pathetic presence, moving to a crap songs about a kite.  Judy is of course not a celebrity, but is instead "somebody's mum".  This qualification for being part of the programme is nearly as dodgy as the performance, week on week.

"Anton got you travelling and turning," said Darcy.  Anton would have done better to turn her round, stick her on a train to Kirkcaldy and wave her off. How the fuck Bruno and Len both gave her a cunting SEVEN.  Disgraceful.

Other Details

Aside from the relentless use of the word "attack" by Darcy, as if that's any sort of relevant fucking skill or technical term, there were a few other comments of note:

"Like a small man at a urinal - you've got to get up on your toes," said Len.

"My heart was in my mouth," said Tess at some point.  PLENTY of Room!

"There was an animal in you," said Darcy regarding Pixie Lott.  Rabbit?

Caroline Flack's dress was themed on the Union Flag, but sadly the dressmaker managed to let herself down; the white strips either side of the diagonal red lines were equal, rather than the leading (clockwise) one being thicker.

...

9.11.14 X-Factor Results

Sadly Michael Caine wasn't around to 'eliminate' the shit acts last night.  I think someone needs to invite him along to the next show.

"My two bands are going nowhere," said Louis Walsh in the VT before Dermot took to the stage.  Well said, Elf . . . at least you know they are crap, even if you don't know the names of your own acts, as demonstrated during Xtra Factor last night!  What  damning state of affairs.

"I'm not 75, Simon . . . that's my IQ"

Cowell announced that Cheryl Fernandez-VerTweedy has made history today, having a fifth Number One single: I Don't Care.  How apt; that's the name of the awful song, but I really couldn't give a fuck!

In no particular order, we learned who was back next week, and fucking Stereo Kicks were announced first!  Criminal!  Fleur East got through, followed by Ben HayNow OatsLater and then Andrea.  Lauren was 5th, keeping Tweeny Verseedy in with a chance.  Stevi got through to remind me of Wagner.  A bloke in the audience kept shouting "Only The Young" as if his outbursts would carry any fucking weight.  The three left were kept waiting (as were we) while we were treated to another advert break.  I apparently needed to endure a lecture by Unilever, be told about iPhone6, and then have Mylene Klass touting Littlewoods at me.  'Dragon 2' via Blinkbox can fuck off as well. Sainsbury's was up next, followed by a perfume ad, and some expensive stuff called 'Alien'.

Dermotitis thought it necessary to interview the judges while the three acts sat and waited.  The inane comments from Simon, Louis and Mel amounted to "Sing your heart out".  Thanks to all three for that, and to Dermot for making sure we received such valuable and educational input!

One Direction were up next, with a mediocre (that's being very generous) song. I waited for it to finish, and while the five chanted like kids in a playground, I recited by 23 times table in my head, up to 506.

Another fucking advert break!  TRESemme, Vodaphone, Burger King, Kellogg's, A Whitney CD called Whitney Houston Live (ironic, eh?) and then TSB, Virgin, Nintendo DS.  I would like to highlight that Kellogg's cereals apparently have 5 essential nutrients in every bowl, whereas One Direction had 5 non-essential nutrients!

Only The Young got the last slot, so Paul Akister and Jay James were demoted to the sing-off.  Paul stuck to his tried and tested method of not pronouncing anything properly, and introducing 3.1415926 syllables when one will do, all the way through the fucking song.  "I'll Be Your Clown" he sang - he succeeded.

The nasal whine which is Jay James was next up, and he sang a slow number and he managed to tease a burst of tinnitus in my right ear [the left one was killed off by Paul already].

Both should have been ejected, of course, but the agony is not easily disposed of when there's a set number of weeks before the Christmas show. Simon stating that Jay is "a dad" had no fucking relevance.  Mel saved Paul, obviously. VerTweedy saved Paul and Louis saved Jay, so 'deadlock' and the public vote. Paul lost, and we all won as a consequence.  Bye.  Or should that be a seven-syllable "by-y-y-y-e-e-e" perhaps?

...

8.11.14 X-Factor Failures

Cheryl FVTC feeling a bit of a cunt

Theme for today =  Pass - Fail - Yawn

Paul Akister

He simply murdered this Queen song and then buried the cunt.  "You are an amazing singer," said Louis.  TWAT.  Cheryl Ver-Tweedy said something pointless.  Simon talked guff about being happy, thinking he was Pharrell Williams!  Mel verbally sucked his nob and made me heave.  I certainly was not "having a good time".  FAIL.

Jay James

He wore white socks; that's enough to warrant doom!  "I wasn't feeling it," said Mel.  Correct - I felt fuck all except the tingle from this curry.  Cheryl said "We're all performers," and I almost spat out my curry, at the gall of the fucking woman! Fernandez Tweenie Ver-Seedy is a waste of space.  FAIL.

Lauren Platt

Sorry, luv, but a warbling mess with too many wobbles on middle and low notes.  What the fuck, Ver-Tweedy, with this song choice?  Louis talked shit (nothing new).  "Can we all just remind ourselves that your just seventeen,"said Mel.  NO, NO, NO!  FAIL.

Only The Young

Only The Cabaret Act At Butlins came on stage and blamed it on the boogie. I blame Louis Walsh for breathing.  Yawn.  This is a middle of the road group which could fill an S-Club Seven mold, entertaining kids.  I am not too sure that entertaining the 6-13 age group is what X-Factor is supposed to be about.  FAIL.

Ben Haenow

It started weak and whiny, with affected vocals, and poor pronunciation.  It degenerated into yet more of the same.  The gravel in his voice became nauseating.  I'd rather hear the spin section from my washing machine. Strained, and simply unappealing.  Louis talked shit [deja vu, as ever] and then Mel said what needed to be said.  Poor song choice and poor vocals. Fail.

Stevi Richie

Bohemian Rhapsody gave him the theatrical aspect that stops us seeing he can't sing in the normal sense.  He teases with the occasional good note, and then retreats to his awful parody and general entertainer mode.  We all know he's a lovely guy, but I don't think that is a component for judging X-Factor.  A mildly amusing performance that had nothing to do with singing.  Fail.

Stereo Kicks

Dire!  Eight wimps warbling wistfully and vocally wanking on stage.  Pathetic, lightweight and like tea made with a tea bag on its eighth outing.  The stand-up section brought tears to my eyes, and a lump of suicidal tendency.  The song was/is complete shit, and they matched it with more shit.  "Your best performance," said Mel.  Bollocks!  Louis talked complete shit [deja vu].  Fail.

Fleur East

A departure from her normal type of performance and song.  The song was awful and the 'singing' was dodgy.  All the way through she was hanging in there without any real power or strength.  Borderline, and this week, she was not worth a 'Yawn' I am afraid.  CCTV managed (yet again) to use the word "thoroughly".  Not as bad as some, but sadly still a Fail.

Andrea Faustini

After the VT which was a parody of a Dolmio advert, he launched into a Queen song, and Somebody To Love was delivered.  It was okay, but hardly phenomenal.  The OTT delivery was actually off-putting.  Someone with a really good voice was simply not giving us something decent.  The whooping and wailing from the audience was misplaced.  I suppose I should award a 'Yawn' but actually, it's a fucking Fail.

This week was a bollocking rollicking struggling load of SHIT!  This is summed up by the fact that Only The Young were actually most probably the least offensive!

...

8.11.14 Strictly Come Dancing

"Oh no he isn't . . . Oh yes he is."  The presenting style of Tess Daly is simply pathetic, with forced oohs and aahhs being extracted from the audience when someone has to go home.

Anyway, enough of the loudmouth presenter who has most surely to come a poor third to Zoe Ball and Claudia Winkleman.

Simon Webbe was surprisingly good this week!  For someone so close to going out on more than one occasion, he's certainly managed to turn things around.  33/40

Caroline Flack was less impressive than she usually is.  31/40

Jake [Max from Eastenders] performed a Rumba.  He could never have matched the wonderful spectre and actions of Janette's legs, but he did do quite well.  "Spatulistic" hands, said Craig.  27/40
  
Judy Murray is famous for . . . . well . . . being someone's mum.  Sadly she has managed to encourage enough idiots on sofas to vote, for her still to be in the competition.

The travesty is that she is so stiff and unable to dance.  Even Anton is determined to introduce as many lifts as possible in every dance, jut to keep the biddy's feet off the fucking floor because they have less idea of what they are supposed to do than a cunt in a nunnery.

"You delivered what's expected of you . . . nothing," said Bruno last week.  He was so right, but sadly Cruella Deville survived.  In 1967 there was a film called 'The Plank' and Anton was moving her around like SHE was a fucking plank.  "Re-imagining dance as we know it," said Bruno this week.  There was simply NO 'dancing' in this pathetic 90 seconds.  The mention of Andy Murray was out of order; he is NOT FUCKING INVOLVED!  18/40

Sunetra Sarker was reasonably good with her foxtrot.  She's a middle runner, but as we run out of contestants, she'll be  susceptible to ejection.  31/40

Alison Hammond is, unfortunately, another middle-order bit of padding (a lot of padding) and somehow she scored 27/40.

Mark Wright is another middle-order player, waiting to go in a couple of weeks or so.  31/40

Frankie Bridge was very entertaining, and moved fantastically.  How Craig managed to say "Your worst dance yet" is surprising!  32/40

Pixie Lott was very good, as usual.  How can you not love her dancing? 36/40

Steve Somebody-or-other was dancing with Ola (lucky chap) and did very well.  28/40

...

5.11.14 House of Bath

In this world, it is impossible to escape the forced receipt of useless catalogues and leaflets.  If it's not news of the latest Argos items on offer, it's a small (A5) issue of overpriced shit for the home, and various 'handy' items for those who are either old or have need of aids of one sort or another.  This weekend, I found in my newspaper a thin catalogue from House of Bath.

I was amazed to learn that the nine-and-a-half inch pan comes with a lid that's nine-and-a-half-inches. This level of planning by HoB is simply amazing, and anyone with a frying need would do well to reap the rewards of such retail magic!

On another page, I discovered what constitutes a "roomy drawer"

A chest available on offer at £49.99 comes with "4 roomy drawers" and the dimensions are given as - Height 7" x Width 9" x Depth 10".  Sorry, but these are NOT 'roomy' in my opinion.  630 cubic inches is only marginally more than a third of a cubic foot!

Then there is the bafflement about what constitutes a pair of socks, and the weird phenomenon of 'double counting'.

The claim from HoB is that the pack of socks provides 15 combinations that mean each "unpair" is "under a pound".  WTF?  Let's get real for a moment. The £11.95 buys just SIX socks, and just because there is mathematically 15 ways to pair them, it does NOT mean there are 15 pairs at just under 80p each!  There are six fucking socks, and at £11.95, that's £3.98 per pair!  What bollocks!

The simply awful offer of mugs is one that is as tacky as they come.  What an embarrassing attempt at flogging china.

There was an abundant supply of equally confusing clutter on offer, and the final element of confusion came from the company's deadline for ordering on a Saturday if Sunday delivery is needed. 12pm is simply NOT a time!

...

2.11.14 X-Factor Halloween Horror

Xtra Factor on Saturday was its usual amateurish affair, with the lead taken by Sarah-Jane Crawford (CJD) and her overly loud style of annoyance.  The large lips do a poor job of guarding the gob, and so we are bombarded with drivel at 133 decibels.  The question and answer session has, every week, been diabolical, serving as an example of poor television for the world.  This week I could stomach no more than twenty minutes, abandoning things after she’d finished “interviewing” the groups.  The rabble of eight was reduced to the less-than-magnificent seven, as one of their members was at home with his Horlicks, trying to master his seven times table, two sevens being his age. The other target of the mad cow's attention was Only The Young, who were collectively of the opinion that they'd split the atom, reinvented the wheel, and achieved every alchemist's goal in life.  Sadly (for us) they were simply elated at having sung yet again in a shit manner.

Saturday’s Halloween edition of X-Factor was a rather dire affair, and the quality of judging matched the rather poor entertainment offered by the remaining acts.  Perhaps it was no surprise to find Cheryl Cole Tweedy Versini (CCTV) as annoying as usual, with her prima donna stance on . . well, everything, actually.  Whilst Xtra Factor suffers from the presence of CJD, X-Factor suffers from ICS.  This is Irritable Cunt Syndrome, often and understandably referred to as Irritating Cunt Syndrome.  There is only one on the show displaying all the symptoms, and she’s not Mel B.

So, let’s just have a round-up of the efforts on stage.  The Script performed in mediocre fashion, but I think they are safe from ejection at the moment.  The judges stood and clapped afterwards, and I wondered whether they are contractually obliged to do so for all visiting performers – surely so.  The four of them reverted to type for most of the show.  Elf was just pathetic but rationed himself to just a single mention of Lauren’s age.  Mel was loud.  Simon was Simon.  Cheryl was fucking annoying.

Ben Haenow

This formulaic noise was one reasonably suited to his voice.  Haenow Jam-tomorrow.  I do wish that at some point we get to hear something that shows some flexibility in his voice and performance, as I must say that despite his not being the worst of the bunch, I do find him starting to bore me.  Highway to Hell; sorry, but we're already there, Ben.

Lauren Platt

Sorry, luv, but this time you were pretty awful.  You lost your nerve with this week’s performance, and your vocals were dodgy.  I can forgive anyone not being keen on dancing, but singing does count.  Luckily for you you’re good enough to get back on track.

Andrea Faustini

Elsewhere, Mel B was taking the piss out of her own act by painting Andrea gold.  For some unknown reason, Mel B thought it appropriate to make a buffoon of him.  He sang okay, but really, what a wasted week for him.  Sort it out, Mel.  Silly and pathetic.

Jay James

I remain stumped as to why Mad World counted in any way at all as relevant for ‘Halloween’.  When Jay started singing, I cringed at just how lame he was, and tried to recall where I’d left my shotgun.  Luckily, and eventually, he put us out of our abject misery and converted us to mildly depressed with a faster second half to the song that should have come sooner.  He got away with it in the end, but he's another one whose record I would not accept free let alone buy.

Stereo Kicks

St Winifred’s School Choir must be quaking in their boots after seeing their place as queens of the playground being taken by the Dublin Primary School, managed by Caretaker Walsh.  In any group of eight kids, three will be able to sing, three will be capable of joining in, and two can multitask by picking their noses and holding microphones.  Thus we have Stereo Kicks offering a singalong akin to Val Doonican on a Christmas Special.  Yawn.

Lola Saunders

Sadly for us, the judges decided to make her feel better through complementing her on her looks and confidence last week, and now she thinks she’s Bette Midler.  Unfortunately she is no more than ballast for a few weeks, and will be back to gutting fish for Christmas.

Jack Walton

Jack Shit was completely Walton, with horrendous vocals and a continuing laziness in delivering lyrics, let alone musical tones.  He was always a busker whose luck was set to turn at the drop of a 2p coin (the denomination used by Ed Miliband this week to reward a street beggar).  I wouldn’t give tuppence to hear this nightmare of a song ever again, yet some crazy fools will no doubt be downloading the racket to their phones.

Only The Young

Monster Mash was the worst choice of song imaginable, and I shuddered as I realised what they were offering in a bid to save them from the bottom place.  Only the young will have enjoyed this, and I refer to the under sevens, all watching the TV dressed up in the utter shit that their parents bought for them in Poundland earlier in the week.   Any adult must surely agree that their singing was crap.  Yet the judges offered complimentary noises and collectively suggested to us thick viewers that the foursome had come back stronger and were more like the performers they wanted to be.  WTF?  Do they still have Redcoats at Butlins?

Fleur East

Well, there is no disputing that the best performer in the contest is Fleur.  This week, while her dancing and stage presence set her apart from the rest, the vocals were a bit off.  Still, as with Lauren, it was easy to escape real attention for this when the competition still has dross dripping from it.

Paul Akister

As ever, the voice-over man announced ‘Paul Akaster’, and as I pondered how an ‘i’ could be pronounced as an ‘a’, Paul bored me.  Okay, his singing was okay, but his pronunciation and twang on the words with an ‘a’ in them was annoying.  Not the worst.

Stevi Richie

The slow quiet stuff was appalling.  His breathy delivery of the shit lyrics was horrendous, as he moved around the stage.  I talk not of Dermot, but of Stevi, dressed as the Phantom of the Opera.  To be fair, as entertainment, it was actually pretty good, singing aside of course.  A few of the notes were good when he chose to sing a bit louder.  I fear, though, that rather than demonstrate to us any real ability to sing properly, we’ll get a ‘fun’ song again next week – you know the sort, when NO cunt has any fun at all!

Sunday Results

The communal song was dreadful, and there were so many bum notes. Cuntin Crap!  This summed up the whole weekend on X-Factor.  Simon, get it sorted!  

CCTV

Introduced by Dermot, she was preempted by the VT telling us how many records she's sold etc.  Then, we were shown on screen "Cheryl".  What about the Fernandez-Versini then?  Double fucking standard when it suits.  As for the song, called I Don't Care, it was bollocks, and displayed just how shit she is. Dermot had asked the other three judges just before this awful performance which of the acts needed to up their game, and the truth is, CHERYL.  Any follow of from Dermot regarding "who's in trouble this week" would have got a unanimous CHERYL.  No way was she singing naturally on that diabolical song.  "I Don't Care" rather sums up your whole attitude this year CCTV!

Let's hope you're not invited back.

The Sing-Off

Lola and Stereo Kicks managed to gain the two places in the sing-off.  Well done, both, well deserved.  Lola (definitely not a showgirl) decided to go into labour, and laboured like fuck in delivering her version of Natural Woman.  She tampered with it so much that it was a fucking mess! A wailing wazzock who simply sounded awful.  The Stereo Cocks opted for not singing in tune at all. They all struggled, and then hoped that eight voices warbling together would mask the mediocrity.  It didn't.  Dire.   

Elf: "I love Lola, I went to her home."

CCTV: "Blah, Blah Blah.

Mel B: "That was your best performance."  Fucking atrocious comment!

Simon: "The person who sang the best was Lola."

It went to dead-loss, and the public decided that Lola was going home.  Sadly Cheryl was not in the running for ejection, despite singing worse than Lola. That means CCTV is down to just one contestant still in - Lauren.

...