26.10.14 X-Factor Result Week 3

Yesterday we experienced some mild altercations between CCTfV and Simon. These eventually led to some chair swapping after Simon-the-Smug criticised Lola-the-Fishmonger.  The byproduct was that Elf was allowed to sit next to his pop idol on the panel for a short time.  uPVC had upset Simon by criticising Jay's performance of Skyfall (a noble thing to do, by the way) for not having "enough suave".  Clearly her lack of singing ability has spread in viral fashion, so that she now makes less sense (assuming you get past the accent) than before.  Suave is an adjective, you dolt.  So, whereas you can have intelligence (noun) you cannot have intelligent (adjective).  Sorry, Cheryl, but you haven't the first one, and are not the second one.  Loosen your ponytail, and stop bickering and being up your own arse.  Why do you seem to think you're the darling of the country and everyone will side with you for niggling Simon and being 'assertive', eh?

Y indeed, Cheryl?

The hour-long programme apparently necessary to provide a ten minute result section was as expected an endurance test for the ears, mainly because of the fucking voice-over man who is sending me towards a contract killing request.

Dermot told us he had a corker of a show for us, and I doubted that in an instant.  The judges were introduced, and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse would have deserved a better welcome, in my book.  The dress that was covering CCTV's tattoo was a joke.  The first lie of the night was courtesy of Dermot: "Nice Dress, Cheryl".

The communal song was a weird affair.  Each of the first six who warbled was shit.  There was a small chorus section, but the theme continued with further individual input that was so poor.  What a calamitous load of shit!  Why the Horsemen of the Apocalypse stood up to clap I've no idea!

One Republic

57,000,000 records sold worldwide, apparently.  Well that's possible 56,000,000 too many in my book.  If I wanted this sort of sound, but a whole lot better, I'd listen to the Waterboys.  The judges all stood us, in line with their contractual obligations.   The interchange at the end of the song suggested that the group was possibly part of Simon's label/management/empire/dealings.

Ed Sheeran

31,000,000 records sold worldwide.  He does what he does very well, even if some of his stuff sounds a little bit run-of-the-mill.  I waited for the standing ovation and it was duly provided.  Nice chap.  I was in need of a break, and fortunately the voice-over man's bollocks about the competition faded into the distance as I went to the kitchen.

The Result

Sadly this week was to be a single ejection, when really we could all have done with a double.
Through were, in order:

Fleur, Stereo Kicks, Lauren, Ben, Andrea, Lola, Jay, Paul, Stevi, Jack.

Sadly I was hoping that the sing-off would be Jake and Jack, but Only The Young were left behind.  It would have been a fitting end to a week of male nudity and posing, after the two blokes were self-obsessed enough to get photographed with some idea that this would help their cause.  With three of the judges saying that Jake was probably in trouble earlier in the show, things looked ominous for the chav version of Peter Andre.  Sadly I don't think Jake will reach the dizzy heights of advertising frozen sweetcorn for Iceland. Maybe this week, Jack will have time to learn how to sing, and pronounce his words properly, and see if he can go on stage without holding a guitar.

"He is the hardest working guy I know," said Mel, introducing Jake.  He sang a weak, wimpy and vocally flawed offering, and I decided I wouldn't trust him to cough with any real conviction, let alone sing.  He was off, and was most surely set to be nudged off a cliff, assuming justice in the world.  This was two minutes of my life I cannot reclaim.

"Four amzing young kids, they work so hard," said Louis, while "ONLY THE YOUNG" shouted voice-over man.  The Winner Takes It All, sang the four of them, with some decidedly dodgy vocals.  "The judges will decide . . " sang the bloke with the tall hair, and I feared that might be the case, and that they might decide NOT in their favour.  It was no better than Jake.

Even-stevens in my book.  Mel and Louis saved their respective acts, so it was a Simon and CCTV show.  Simon said they were both horrible, and he was so right!  He saved Only The Young, and so uPVC was given the chance to go to deadlock, or confirm Jake's exit.  She followed Simon's lead, and so Jake was ejected.  He seem nice enough, and he's going to keep going, and find out the artist he wants to be.  Mel cried.  I yawned.

For anyone who cares, and of course Cheryl doesn't, the lyrics to her latest rubbish are shown below.  This is a long way short of quality, so please don't expect much.

 * * *

I Don't Care - Cheryl Cole Tweedy Fernandez Versini

Waking up diagonal like an animal in a cold and empty bed, yeah
Shaking off the dream of you, I got shit to do and I'm ready to forget, oh yeah
I heard you brought that girl around in half a gown and asked if I'd been there, oh yeah
Ask me how I'm doing now, I scream out loud, I tell him I don't care
And I don't care

I don't care
And it feels so fucking good to say I swear
That I don't care
And every word
There are ordinary hearts so don't play fair
But I don't care

I don't care
I don't care
Oh no
I don't care
Oh
I don't care
Oh no

In this town word gets around
But don't bring me down, its just static in my head, yeah
So take me out and turn it up
Well let's make it rough
We're gonna wake the dead, oh baby
Everyone is saying now, just slow it down
Or I'll get hurt again, oh yeah
When these things are feeling me, it's healing me
And I'm screaming I don't care
And I don't care

I don't care
And it feels so fucking good to say I swear
That I don't care
And every word
There are ordinary hearts so don't play fair
But I don't care

I don't care
Oh
I don't care
Oh no
I don't care
Oh
I don't care
Oh no

Doesn't matter anyway
Doesn't matter anyway, oh oh
I can see the milky way and it seems so far away, oh
Doesn't matter anyway
It's all falling into place
Just another pretty face
Disappears without a trace
There ain't nothing left to say

I don't care
Feels so good
Oh, I don't care, oh
I don't care

I don't care
And it feels so fucking good to say I swear
That I don't care
And everywhere
There are ordinary hearts that don't play fair
But I don't care

I don't care
I don't care
Oh no
I don't care
Oh
I don't care
Oh no

...