Dermotitis told me yet again - "Your Saturday night starts here" when quite clearly it stated a while beforehand, with Strictly Come Dancing. Dermot told me the phone lines were open, so I ordered a pizza. How the hell can people start voting before seeing anything. Still, with five free votes via the App, I am sure there are twiddling fingers all over the country.
Scoring Key, with optional + and - signs
Certain Pass Ok; Nothing Special Very Dodgy Simply Shit
Jake Quickenden
His voice is so soft and weak that he is one of a number of contestants who decide to sing slowly, and take a chance on whether it works out. Jake's breathy wimpish delivery (including some really dire bum notes) proved that on this occasion it just did NOT work.
Louis (Elf) was correct, and time with the vocal coach instead of gym time would have been better. Cheryl (CCTV) wanted 'sensuality' for some reason. "You've got to get better at singing," said Simon. On the money! "I know exactly how hard you've rehearsed," said Mel B, as if that counts for fuck all if the performance sucks.
Only The Young
Flat as fuck at the start. It then moved into a wail, with a chorus that reminded me of S Club Seven with no vocal chords. This was a shit song and a weirdly out of tune noise that didn't work. CCTFV enjoyed it, but Simon was the only one to highlight that the lead vocals were out of tune. No doubt Louis has fucked up during the week again, especially as when Simon suggested they sort out next week's song earlier, to get more than 24 hours to rehearse, one of the group looked at the Elf and raised his eyebrows! As ever, one of them said "We've had so much fun" as if I give a cuntin fuck about that!
Jay James
Jay is soon to appear in an advert for Vicks Sinex, with his penchant for nasal warbling and a whinging tone. Sadly he sang Skyfall, possibly the worst song from any James Bond film ever. "You made me like the song," said Mel. Sorry, luv . . . impossible. CCTV was "missing something" apparently - which is surely not good for CCTV. Simon blew smoke up Jay's arse for no good reason. Dermot proved he is a twat with his compering and a pathetic exchange with Jay about a tie Jay got married in.
Andrea Faustini +
A slightly risky song choice this week. A bit too much shouting for my liking. No doubt he can sing but this performance was not quite on the money. He is worth a 'Green' but this time a notch below. "You nailed it," screamed Elf. Clearly there was a need to applaud something after two shit acts and one mediocre one, so this no doubt explained the euphoria that erupted for Andrea. We were treated to another fucking ad break after just one song! WTF?
Lola Saunders
The ex-fishmonger, one of the two remaining acts for the ex-toilet attendant thumper, had a makeover although I couldn't actually tell the difference. After the nauseating VT, the singing started and the last time I saw a face that orange I was trying to fathom what David Dickinson was on about. Back to the vocal disaster . . . that's exactly what it was. Elf mentioned amazing three times, and talked complete fucking shit. Mel B's "That was stunning" bollocks was simply unbelievable. Who has removed Mel B's brain, and shoved Evo Stik in her lug holes? CCTV offered some crap for us all, with "You went from gutting fish to living your dream". Hmm . . "You went from amateur boxing in the toilets to tattoos on your arse". All of this hoo-har meant we needed and were give another fucking ad break, and I felt I was being drip fed by ITV.
Paul Akister -
He opted for his safe genre, wailing and warbling and mispronouncing most of the word, and making every other work have rather more syllables than the judges have got veneers. Elf gushed, CCTV said he was excellent, and Simon suggested a transformation had taken place. WTF? Mel was complementary, of course, as he is her act. Pretty awful song, too much stuttering and repetition.
Lauren Platt -
This started off well, and whilst there were a few minor wobbles, probably linked to nerves, she can of course sing really well. Elf talked rubbish. The usual arguments about song choice floated around, but overall it went down well. I think I have been living under a rock, because Lauren in the VT said that's where anyone who hasn't heard the song has been living.
After a pathetic game of musical chairs, we moved on
Jack Walton
In the VT, he used the word "amazing" seven times. Here we had yet another slowed down version of an old song, but with the very noticeable difference that he pronounced so many of the words wrong, was overly breathy, and regularly ran out of stamina to complete some of the words. This was pretentious and self indulgent shit. Elf didn't like the song choice and got bored in the middle. "I always normally like what you do," said CCTV, making no sense at all [always/normally]. Simon was blunt and truthful. Apparently Jack hasn't worked out the sort of artist he wants to be yet. Do it in your own time, mate, not on prime time TV in my lounge!
Fleur East
We had some usual rubbish about it meaning a lot, not wanting to let people down and the like, during the VT. The performance was superb; so professional, and spot on. All the judges liked it, and as Simon said, he looks at her as a professional and not a contestant.
Stevi Richie -
Footloose was a weak film, and the song was so very much weaker. How fitting that Stevi opted for it. This is a guy with as much musical talent than Wagner. His obsession (understandable) for the dancers continued, as did the awful vocals. This was, though, not any worse than some of the preceding acts! I cannot explain that at all, and that's a sad indictment on the show. Despite all the grief he gets, there is something about him that one has to like. He was certainly as good as Jack, and he has got a personality, unlike some.
Stereo Kicks
The ultimate octoband, said Louis. What a pillock. Then we learn that Louis doesn't even want eight in the fucking group. What a pillock. He then, as per the VT, said he did want eight in the group. What a pillock. "Let It Be" started up, and the spotlights picked out ones and twos around the stage, as they all shared the singing. I really wished they would 'let it be' though, because the song is really awful. As a performance, it was very good, even if we were again expected to listen to school assembly at the end. Not listening to the Pillock was indeed the best thing the eight of them did this week. Otherwise he'd have been waffling about a hexaband.
Ben Haenow -
"I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" was Ben's announcement in song, and after the first strained noises and the wailing, I began to wonder if this style is the only one available to him. It does work for this song, but I give him fair warning that he has now used his quota of wailing, whining, shouting, straining, pining, desperation-serving vocals. "You're what the show's all about," said Elf. What does he know about diddly? Simon, having agreed (in the VT) to him singing that song, proceeded to claim it was the wrong one. Notice that Simon wished Ben hadn't "talked him into singing that song" as though he bore no responsibility at all. What do you do, then, Simon?
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