31.10.14 News At Halloween

Tony Bennett is Gaga

Is there anything less entertaining at the moment than Lady Gaga wandering around with Tony Bennett and annoying us with their warbling?  No.  Why on earth TB has ever received any applause I've no idea, but in recent years I think it would have been kinder to have him not sing.  Anyone who wanted to give recognition to him for being part of an era gone by, and a poor man's Frank Sinatra could have clapped while the rest of us waited for him to shuffle off.  As a duo, the noise doesn't work, as very well evidenced on Strictly Come Dancing a couple of shows ago, when the pair were simply horrible.

Russell Brand

Is there any way of encouraging Russell Brand to shit-the-fuck-up?  Any suggestions on this pressing matter would be gratefully received.  This hypocrite and self-serving twat is given far too much attention (ie. more than cunting NONE) and the media pander to his outbursts like flies round shit.

Tony Blair

Tony Blair has come out with some comments about immigration.  Here we have another self-serving wanker why is so much more dangerous than Russell Brand.  Blair is the top example of a two-faced hypocritical self-serving vile individual, displaying cuntishness and views that are not wanted. How does anyone shut him up?  Amazingly, this maniac seems to trot round the globe spouting shit, getting loads of attention, earning a fortune, and achieving nothing.  What he now has to say about the country after leaving remnants to be mopped up and glued together is pathetic.  As for having any right to say anything at all about immigration, considering he opened the floodgates to serve his own ends, Fuck Off!  He seems to think that curbing immigration would be a mistake.  Talk about trying to defend his own history on this subject by continuing to promote the floodgates being left open!  Why don't you give some of your £80m fortune to the immigrants then, rather than expecting the country to foot the bill!  Of course not; in fact, you have done much worse, allowing a 7% cut in Britain's EU rebate during your negotiations whilst Prime Minsister.  Oh well, that's just an extra£7,000,000,000 we've paid over the last seven years.  TOSSER.

A Plea to the Paparazzi 

Please can you STOP following Lily Allen.  I have no wish ever to see her again, nor do I care for her forced controversial stances on things.  Her ego is too big, and her singing is weaker than tea from a 5th generation tea bag.

Taylor Swift

There is no escape, it seems.  There is nowhere that advertising can't reach now, and at every third fucking click online, up pops a shitty advert or trailer. This week, I have been abused aurally by Taylor Swift and her playground chants taken from an album called 1989.  This constant assault is simply unacceptable, as is her 'music'.

Notice to the Fashion World

I have no interest in what Millie Mackintosh is wearing, how skinny her legs are, how hard she works out, or whether she is breathing.  Please can you find something useful upon which to focus.

Fiona Woolf

After stepping down as chair of the inquiry into child abuse for the government, Elizabeth Butler-Sloss showed some awareness, and confirmed the government's naivety in appointing her in the first place.  The replacement, The government replacing her with Fiona Woolf has turned out to be even more of a catastrophe, but so far, one we are all stuck with.  This woman had to have seven drafts of a letter to apply to the Home Secretary, with help from the fucking Home Office!  How the cunting fuck does this make any sense at all.  To learn that she has more links with the establishment and with Leon Brittan than Butler-Sloss makes her even more unacceptable for heading this inquiry.  I suspect a big fat pay check, expenses and some kudos is a prize worth being rather devious for.  If two or three years are spent with this woman in charge, then I am sure the results will be counted for nothing.  As for Theresa May, I think she deserves a slot on 'River Monsters'.

Robbie Williams

Please don't bother.

Jonathan Ross

I missed this week's show - on purpose of course.  Who in their right mind would be able to stomach an hour of him.  Sadly his guests for the show were in nearly all cases equally pointless individuals.  Russell Bwand, Wio Ferdinand and the Lohan woman were all whiling away their time in his presence, along with Daniel Radcliffe, who one day might feature in something without bringing Potter to mind.  The egos must have been jostling like mad. Woss thinks he is the star of every show, Wio is under some sort of impression that he is revered for his tweeting abilities even if his football skills have left him completely, and Bwand is under the misapprehension that he counts for anything at all.  As for Lindsay Lohan, I thought she was still in jail; oh well.

River Monsters

There can be no doubt that fish worrier Jeremy Wade is annoying as fuck, with his incessant pestering of fish.  If only the tables could be turned.


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28.10.14 Cheryl's Name and CJD

It turns out that Ian Royce referred to the judge as Cheryl Cole during the warm up for the results show last Sunday.  Heaven help us!  What a fucking travesty.  Cheryl was very annoyed, apparently, because she has been a Fernandez-Versini for a few months, and doesn't appreciate people still using 'Cole'.  How strange then that we have been expected for the FOUR years since her divorce from Ashley Cole in 2010 to call her 'Cole' instead of 'Tweedy'.  You want your cake and you want to eat it, I'd say; you can't have it both ways, CCTV

As per her latest single, I Don't Care.  Cheryl Tweedy Cole, Ex-Cole but still Cole, Fernandez-Versini needs to chill a bit, considering the mickey she has in effect been taking for so long.

Elsewhere (well, on ITV2 actually) another person with too many names has been rather limp in her performance.  Sarah-Jane Crawford is struggling a bit, especially in the session where she takes questions for the panel from the public.  The amateurish handling of the process is highlighting a deficiency in the SJC abilities.  Possibly a case of CJD then?

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27.10.14 Which Planet Am I On?

Clearly I am on a different planet, considering the pathetic headlines and pictures touted by The Sun today.

Coleen Sizzles [allegedly]

I am dumbfounded by the weird assertion of the newspaper to label Coleen Rooney "Hot Stuff"

Natural Beauty [allegedly]

I am at a loss, and suspect I am not the only one on this planet to struggle here.

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27.10.14 Paul Daniels Bitten

Paul Daniels has been bitten by one of his stage rabbits.  He had to be put on antibiotics, have a tetanus injection [Paul Daniels, not the rabbit] and an Elastoplast had to be affixed to the worried finger.  A supposed 'source' has apparently revealed to The Sun that "Debbie McGee is enjoying playing nurse and has dressed up for him" - rather too much awful information and insight!

Sadly Paul Daniels was NOT working with crocodiles.

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27.10.14 Pepper Spray Appropriateness?

Arunas Kastentinavicius has managed to amuse me with his exploits, albeit they ended up causing him to pay compensation of £600, having a 6-month suspended and accept 100 hours community service.  This was simply over-the-cuntin-top for so-called justice.

It seems that neighbours playing loud music was driving him nuts, and he called to ask for it to be turned down.  He sprayed the culprits with spray that caused some burning and choking sensations, and claimed in defence that it was 'normal behaviour in his home country'.  After the initial request for the two women and a bloke to turn down the music, he returned an hour later and the women were laughing at him.  As a result, he sprayed them with pepper spray that contained an 11% level of harmful ingredient, rather more than the 5% stuff out police use.

My view is that it's about time people who act without any consideration for others are made to think their attitudes might need adjustment.  It is surely harsh for this chap to be hit with a triple whammy - a fine, plus community service plus a suspended sentence.


Clearly Lithuanian values are rather more solid than the pathetic shit that prevails in the UK.  Even if it is not 'normal behaviour' in Lithuania, the notion that is might be is rather nice.

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27.10.14 Strictly Preposterous

While there's no doubt that Strictly Come Dancing is faring rather better in the TV ratings than X-factor, it is perhaps worth pointing out that it is not immune from having in its line-up some dire contestants.  Clearly on X-Factor there should be a massive cull, and alongside Jake, who exited on Sunday, should have been Only The Young and Stereo Kicks, meaning that Louis could bugger off as well. Also, Lola Saunders, Paul Akister and Stevi Richie are superfluous, along with Jack Walton.  This could leave us with a more reasonable handful.

On SCD, the same has applied for a while.  The farce that saw exits for some of the better dancers ahead of Scott Mills and Judy Murray proves that the scoring system is as stupid as the voting element of the general public. Simply preposterous, I'd say.

Royal Mail Stamps - No Value

I cannot fathom why everyone is so jolly about Judy's presence on this show, and it's frankly embarrassing.   I asked for 18 stamps from the Post Office the other day, and when I queried the price, I was told they have no value, and there was no hope of items reaching their final destination.  "Surely a complete waste of my time, then?" I asked.  "Most definitely," said the Postmistress.   When I queried the process for larger pre-Christmas packages, I was sold another six stamps

Large Letter

Along with Thom, we should have seen the back of Scott and Judy, of course, along with Alison and Simon.  Others who seem to be making up the numbers are the middle ranking Steve, Sunetra and Mark.  So just like X-Factor, there's no need for the pain associated with watching and listening to the hopeless hopefuls.  Only in the last six weeks of either marathon competition is it really worth bothering to take an interest.

By the way, at least the BBC will save money on make-up next weekend, as Judy's Halloween look is in place already.

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26.10.14 X-Factor Result Week 3

Yesterday we experienced some mild altercations between CCTfV and Simon. These eventually led to some chair swapping after Simon-the-Smug criticised Lola-the-Fishmonger.  The byproduct was that Elf was allowed to sit next to his pop idol on the panel for a short time.  uPVC had upset Simon by criticising Jay's performance of Skyfall (a noble thing to do, by the way) for not having "enough suave".  Clearly her lack of singing ability has spread in viral fashion, so that she now makes less sense (assuming you get past the accent) than before.  Suave is an adjective, you dolt.  So, whereas you can have intelligence (noun) you cannot have intelligent (adjective).  Sorry, Cheryl, but you haven't the first one, and are not the second one.  Loosen your ponytail, and stop bickering and being up your own arse.  Why do you seem to think you're the darling of the country and everyone will side with you for niggling Simon and being 'assertive', eh?

Y indeed, Cheryl?

The hour-long programme apparently necessary to provide a ten minute result section was as expected an endurance test for the ears, mainly because of the fucking voice-over man who is sending me towards a contract killing request.

Dermot told us he had a corker of a show for us, and I doubted that in an instant.  The judges were introduced, and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse would have deserved a better welcome, in my book.  The dress that was covering CCTV's tattoo was a joke.  The first lie of the night was courtesy of Dermot: "Nice Dress, Cheryl".

The communal song was a weird affair.  Each of the first six who warbled was shit.  There was a small chorus section, but the theme continued with further individual input that was so poor.  What a calamitous load of shit!  Why the Horsemen of the Apocalypse stood up to clap I've no idea!

One Republic

57,000,000 records sold worldwide, apparently.  Well that's possible 56,000,000 too many in my book.  If I wanted this sort of sound, but a whole lot better, I'd listen to the Waterboys.  The judges all stood us, in line with their contractual obligations.   The interchange at the end of the song suggested that the group was possibly part of Simon's label/management/empire/dealings.

Ed Sheeran

31,000,000 records sold worldwide.  He does what he does very well, even if some of his stuff sounds a little bit run-of-the-mill.  I waited for the standing ovation and it was duly provided.  Nice chap.  I was in need of a break, and fortunately the voice-over man's bollocks about the competition faded into the distance as I went to the kitchen.

The Result

Sadly this week was to be a single ejection, when really we could all have done with a double.
Through were, in order:

Fleur, Stereo Kicks, Lauren, Ben, Andrea, Lola, Jay, Paul, Stevi, Jack.

Sadly I was hoping that the sing-off would be Jake and Jack, but Only The Young were left behind.  It would have been a fitting end to a week of male nudity and posing, after the two blokes were self-obsessed enough to get photographed with some idea that this would help their cause.  With three of the judges saying that Jake was probably in trouble earlier in the show, things looked ominous for the chav version of Peter Andre.  Sadly I don't think Jake will reach the dizzy heights of advertising frozen sweetcorn for Iceland. Maybe this week, Jack will have time to learn how to sing, and pronounce his words properly, and see if he can go on stage without holding a guitar.

"He is the hardest working guy I know," said Mel, introducing Jake.  He sang a weak, wimpy and vocally flawed offering, and I decided I wouldn't trust him to cough with any real conviction, let alone sing.  He was off, and was most surely set to be nudged off a cliff, assuming justice in the world.  This was two minutes of my life I cannot reclaim.

"Four amzing young kids, they work so hard," said Louis, while "ONLY THE YOUNG" shouted voice-over man.  The Winner Takes It All, sang the four of them, with some decidedly dodgy vocals.  "The judges will decide . . " sang the bloke with the tall hair, and I feared that might be the case, and that they might decide NOT in their favour.  It was no better than Jake.

Even-stevens in my book.  Mel and Louis saved their respective acts, so it was a Simon and CCTV show.  Simon said they were both horrible, and he was so right!  He saved Only The Young, and so uPVC was given the chance to go to deadlock, or confirm Jake's exit.  She followed Simon's lead, and so Jake was ejected.  He seem nice enough, and he's going to keep going, and find out the artist he wants to be.  Mel cried.  I yawned.

For anyone who cares, and of course Cheryl doesn't, the lyrics to her latest rubbish are shown below.  This is a long way short of quality, so please don't expect much.

 * * *

I Don't Care - Cheryl Cole Tweedy Fernandez Versini

Waking up diagonal like an animal in a cold and empty bed, yeah
Shaking off the dream of you, I got shit to do and I'm ready to forget, oh yeah
I heard you brought that girl around in half a gown and asked if I'd been there, oh yeah
Ask me how I'm doing now, I scream out loud, I tell him I don't care
And I don't care

I don't care
And it feels so fucking good to say I swear
That I don't care
And every word
There are ordinary hearts so don't play fair
But I don't care

I don't care
I don't care
Oh no
I don't care
Oh
I don't care
Oh no

In this town word gets around
But don't bring me down, its just static in my head, yeah
So take me out and turn it up
Well let's make it rough
We're gonna wake the dead, oh baby
Everyone is saying now, just slow it down
Or I'll get hurt again, oh yeah
When these things are feeling me, it's healing me
And I'm screaming I don't care
And I don't care

I don't care
And it feels so fucking good to say I swear
That I don't care
And every word
There are ordinary hearts so don't play fair
But I don't care

I don't care
Oh
I don't care
Oh no
I don't care
Oh
I don't care
Oh no

Doesn't matter anyway
Doesn't matter anyway, oh oh
I can see the milky way and it seems so far away, oh
Doesn't matter anyway
It's all falling into place
Just another pretty face
Disappears without a trace
There ain't nothing left to say

I don't care
Feels so good
Oh, I don't care, oh
I don't care

I don't care
And it feels so fucking good to say I swear
That I don't care
And everywhere
There are ordinary hearts that don't play fair
But I don't care

I don't care
I don't care
Oh no
I don't care
Oh
I don't care
Oh no

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26.10.14 Strictly Come Dancing Result - Wk5

Up shit creek, with a paddle

Jamie Murray was interviewed about his mother, the one who has nothing to do all week except piss about and try to loosen up.  As for Barbara Windsor sitting next to him and being interviewed as well, WTF?  Not Jackpot Joy in my book!

Safe: Pixie, Steve, Sunetra,Caroline, Scott [TRAVESTY!]
Dance-off: Tom

What a fucking joke.  Scott Mills is voted for by idiots who perhaps listen to him on Radio One, and probably because of the favoritism shown to him by the BBC via Zoe Ball.  Scott . . fall on your sword!  If you believe for one second that you're in the competition because of your dancing, then you are more moronic than I thought was possible.

Boy George turned up in Culture Club, and suggested with his demeanor and singing style that he was half cut, drugged up or suffering from dementia. What a woeful tailing off of a career.  He wasn't even saved by the backing track that filled the gaps when he forgot to sing live.  This man is so fucking ill, I will await the truth in the new in the coming days and weeks.

Safe: Jake, Frankie, Alison, Judy [FUCKING TRAVESTY!] Mark
Dance-off: Simon

So instead of Scott Mills & Judy Murray wasting our lives by featuring in the dance-off, NEITHER was put there because the twats with the inclination to vote have put through the wrong people.  This is real proof that this competition is flawed massively because it seems Radio 1 listeners and Andy Murray fans are fucking things up big time.

Judy Murray seems to liken herself to Sharon Stone (so she revealed) rather than the lumps of stone on cunting Easter Island.  Waster.  As a result, either Simon Webbe or Thom Evans is set to go home.

Thom got the first two votes, but with Simon getting the third and then Len's deciding vote, Thom was ousted, along with Iveta.  This is such a shame, when Scott and Judy sit pretty, and should be ashamed of themselves.

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26.10.14 Useless Specimens

Useless Specimen of the Week

The contenders are:

A:  Russell Brand
B:  Mario Balotelli

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25.10.14 X-Factor

Dermotitis told me yet again - "Your Saturday night starts here" when quite clearly it stated a while beforehand, with Strictly Come Dancing.  Dermot told me the phone lines were open, so I ordered a pizza.  How the hell can people start voting before seeing anything.  Still, with five free votes via the App, I am sure there are twiddling fingers all over the country.

Scoring Key, with optional + and - signs

     Certain Pass        Ok; Nothing Special        Very Dodgy        Simply Shit                                                                                                            

Jake Quickenden        

His voice is so soft and weak that he is one of a number of contestants who decide to sing slowly, and take a chance on whether it works out.  Jake's breathy wimpish delivery (including some really dire bum notes) proved that on this occasion it just did NOT work.

Louis (Elf) was correct, and time with the vocal coach instead of gym time would have been better.  Cheryl (CCTV) wanted 'sensuality' for some reason.  "You've got to get better at singing," said Simon.  On the money!  "I know exactly how hard you've rehearsed," said Mel B, as if that counts for fuck all if the performance sucks.

Only The Young           

Flat as fuck at the start.  It then moved into a wail, with a chorus that reminded me of S Club Seven with no vocal chords.  This was a shit song and a weirdly out of tune noise that didn't work.  CCTFV enjoyed it, but Simon was the only one to highlight that the lead vocals were out of tune.  No doubt Louis has fucked up during the week again, especially as when Simon suggested they sort out next week's song earlier, to get more than 24 hours to rehearse, one of the group looked at the Elf and raised his eyebrows!  As ever, one of them said "We've had so much fun" as if I give a cuntin fuck about that!

Jay James        

Jay is soon to appear in an advert for Vicks Sinex, with his penchant for nasal warbling and a whinging tone.  Sadly he sang Skyfall, possibly the worst song from any James Bond film ever. "You made me like the song," said Mel. Sorry, luv . . . impossible.  CCTV was "missing something" apparently - which is surely not good for CCTV. Simon blew smoke up Jay's arse for no good reason. Dermot proved he is a twat with his compering and a pathetic exchange with Jay about a tie Jay got married in.

Andrea Faustini     + 

A slightly risky song choice this week.  A bit too much shouting for my liking. No doubt he can sing but this performance was not quite on the money.  He is worth a 'Green' but this time a notch below. "You nailed it," screamed Elf. Clearly there was a need to applaud something after two shit acts and one mediocre one, so this no doubt explained the euphoria that erupted for Andrea. We were treated to another fucking ad break after just one song!  WTF?

Lola Saunders                 

The ex-fishmonger, one of the two remaining acts for the ex-toilet attendant thumper, had a makeover although I couldn't actually tell the difference.  After the nauseating VT, the singing started and the last time I saw a face that orange I was trying to fathom what David Dickinson was on about.  Back to the vocal disaster . . . that's exactly what it was.  Elf mentioned amazing three times, and talked complete fucking shit.  Mel B's "That was stunning" bollocks was simply unbelievable.  Who has removed Mel B's brain, and shoved Evo Stik in her lug holes?  CCTV offered some crap for us all, with "You went from gutting fish to living your dream".  Hmm . . "You went from amateur boxing in the toilets to tattoos on your arse".  All of this hoo-har meant we needed and were give another fucking ad break, and I felt I was being drip fed by ITV.

Paul Akister     -             

He opted for his safe genre, wailing and warbling and mispronouncing most of the word, and making every other work have rather more syllables than the judges have got veneers.  Elf gushed, CCTV said he was excellent, and Simon suggested a transformation had taken place.  WTF?  Mel was complementary, of course, as he is her act.  Pretty awful song, too much stuttering and repetition.

Lauren Platt     -               

This started off well, and whilst there were a few minor wobbles, probably linked to nerves, she can of course sing really well.  Elf talked rubbish.  The usual arguments about song choice floated around, but overall it went down well.  I think I have been living under a rock, because Lauren in the VT said that's where anyone who hasn't heard the song has been living.

After a pathetic game of musical chairs, we moved on

Jack Walton                       

In the VT, he used the word "amazing" seven times.  Here we had yet another slowed down version of an old song, but with the very noticeable difference that he pronounced so many of the words wrong, was overly breathy, and regularly ran out of stamina to complete some of the words.  This was pretentious and self indulgent shit.  Elf didn't like the song choice and got bored in the middle.  "I always normally like what you do," said CCTV, making no sense at all [always/normally].  Simon was blunt and truthful.  Apparently Jack hasn't worked out the sort of artist he wants to be yet.  Do it in your own time, mate, not on prime time TV in my lounge!

Fleur East                                

We had some usual rubbish about it meaning a lot, not wanting to let people down and the like, during the VT.  The performance was superb; so professional, and spot on.  All the judges liked it, and as Simon said, he looks at her as a professional and not a contestant.

Stevi Richie     -                                  

Footloose was a weak film, and the song was so very much weaker.  How fitting that Stevi opted for it.  This is a guy with as much musical talent than Wagner.  His obsession (understandable) for the dancers continued, as did the awful vocals.  This was, though, not any worse than some of the preceding acts!  I cannot explain that at all, and that's a sad indictment on the show. Despite all the grief he gets, there is something about him that one has to like. He was certainly as good as Jack, and he has got a personality, unlike some.

Stereo Kicks                      

The ultimate octoband, said Louis.  What a pillock.  Then we learn that Louis doesn't even want eight in the fucking group.  What a pillock.  He then, as per the VT, said he did want eight in the group.  What a pillock.  "Let It Be" started up, and the spotlights picked out ones and twos around the stage, as they all shared the singing.  I really wished they would 'let it be' though, because the song is really awful.  As a performance, it was very good, even if we were again expected to listen to school assembly at the end.  Not listening to the Pillock was indeed the best thing the eight of them did this week.  Otherwise he'd have been waffling about a hexaband.

Ben Haenow     -                   

"I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" was Ben's announcement in song, and after the first strained noises and the wailing, I began to wonder if this style is the only one available to him.  It does work for this song, but I give him fair warning that he has now used his quota of wailing, whining, shouting, straining, pining, desperation-serving vocals.  "You're what the show's all about," said Elf. What does he know about diddly?  Simon, having agreed (in the VT) to him singing that song, proceeded to claim it was the wrong one.  Notice that Simon wished Ben hadn't "talked him into singing that song" as though he bore no responsibility at all.  What do you do, then, Simon?


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25.10.14 Strictly Come Dancing - Week 5

Sadly the BBC has not come to its senses yet, and appointed Claudia as the main presenter in place of Foghorn Leghorn.  So for the time being, Tess has the pole position, and we have to wait for Claudia's bits before there's any 'entertainment'.

Jake
The Quick-step is one of the silliest dances the competitors are expected to prance around to. Without any self consciousness, Jake indeed pranced around and got this one out of the way with a very respectable performance. 31/40

Sunetra
A middle-of-the-road effort that was pleasing enough, but not worthy of any further comment from me.  30/40

Scott Mills
"I think a 3-year-old could have done better" said Craig.
"You sort of weirdly pulled this off" said Darcy
"You could be the lovechild of Ann Widdecombe and John Sergeant" said Bruno.  19/40

Thom Evans
This really didn't seem to be moving in time with the music at all.  Iveta worked her tits off.
"Plenty of attack" said Darcy, as ever obsessed with "attack" for some reason.
"He's the toy boy for any occasion - he goes with anything" said Bruno.
"I thought it was all very pigeon-toed" and "You're quite marvellous at grinding, aren't you darling" said Craig.  27/40

Frankie Bridge
It's a boring dance, so perhaps it isn't surprising that half of the performance was boring.  Luckily there were a few moments that broke it up a bit and so it turned out pretty good.
"You floated across that floor like butter on a hot crumpet" said Len.
"Mellifluous" said Craig [that's 'pleasingly smooth' to you and me].  32/40

Alison

As if we needed reminding about 'size', the VT roped in Lisa Riley for comparison.  Highly unnecessary!
"If you take on board what Craig tells you, it'll set you back weeks" said Len. 23/40

Mark Wright
"I could have done without all that vulgar gyration.  I think you did it absolutely brilliantly" said Craig.  33/40

Simon Webbe
He doddered around, and the two of them looked like the figures on the top of a wedding cake.
"A bit skippy" said Darcy.
"A little hectic at times" said Len.
"Your right thumb was up" said Craig.  28/40

Judy Murray
It is perhaps worth giving mention to Steph from Gogglebox, who last week managed to give the most amusing quote I've heard for a while.  "In fairness, she can't do much with that chin line."
"What a fucking embarrassment" said TMWSC to Mrs MWSC.
"There wasn't an ounce of swivel anywhere and the timing was appalling" said Craig.  18/40

Caroline Flack
"I think I'm turning" said Bruno.
Talk about 'going for it' . . . well done.  34/40

Steve Somebody-or-other
Very good from the one paired with Ola.  30/40

Pixie
"I was going to get my maracas out at one point" said Len.
"I've never seen beading move so fast" said Craig.
Absolutely wonderful performance.  35/40

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20.10.14 Food News To Digest

MILK

Selling breast milk for £2 per ounce to mothers, or £10 per ounce to anyone with a milk fetish, Josie Cunningham manages to demonstrate just how low she can get, and test whether she still qualifies as human.  I think that aside from the ghastly picture above, we all know the answer to that anyway, after so many examples of vile behaviour, cuntish attitudinal displays, and money-grabbing . . . . all the time contributing fuck all, of course.


YOGHURT

Rumours that Gok Wan is physically and mentally capable of starting any sentence without using the words "Okay girls . . . " or "Come on girls . . ." have proved totally false.  It seems this vicious claim was started by competitors of Activia, the yoghurt he shamelessly promotes.  Elsewhere in Yoghurtland, Nicole Scherzinger is still fucking about on behalf of Muller, and mispronouncing 'yoghurt' for the British audience forced to watch these dreadful adverts.  Mullerbolical.


BANANAS

Waitrose delivered a bit more than bananas to a chap in London, who received a free Brazilian Wandering Spider with his order.  A spokesman apologised for the unrecorded item being included, citing that despite its markings, the spider did not have an authentic bar code, and so escaped the scanning process.  [Made the last bit up, actually]


SUGAR 

Not content with fucking up the product a good few years ago by removing the amount of sugar in them, the makers have now lost the plot all together, and have gone for rebranding.  I gave up eating this cereal when the taste was lost and I believed myself to have been eating damp cardboard from a bowl.  The national obsession with removing sugar, salt, taste, and generally anything nice from the list of ingredients found in a range of products has gone too far now. Sadly no one is trusted anymore, or allowed to decide what is okay, and companies bow to all sorts of pressures (real and imagined) to try and win custom.  Well, I suspect that this latest move will help the cereal slip from its current position (18th) in the list of most popular cereals, and that kids with any sense will dismiss the Honey Monster and the associated marketing ploys as pathetic.


SALT

Elsewhere in the world of research, bored scientists have established that around the globe, the salt content of foods varies enormously.  Different countries sell what might appear to be the same products, but the salt levels vary considerably.  So, this research is able to help me appreciate, amongst other mind-numbing facts, that my Cornflakes are less salty than those in a Venezuelan's breakfast bowl.  Cock-a-doodle-do, or Whoop-de-fucking-dooo (?) I hear you ask.  In next month's pointless research, scientists offer more in depth analysis on whose cock is bigger, as "the man in the street" suggests that any fat cunt who is hungry will still eat too much and either keep fat or get fatter.  Scientists also struggle to understand that whatever their efforts to give accurate details on what's in something, and how they are helping to reduce people's weight, fat fuckers will move on to having extra pudding, a barrel of Coke, and then a bar of chocolate as a reward.

...

19.10.14 X-Factor Result Wk2 & Updates

Well, the piss taking has thrown up a decent batch of images for us to consume. Here's a selection for you, just in case they've not yet come your way.

Clearly the 'Kermit' angle has been exploited thoroughly, and I particularly like the last one, roping Mel B into the equation.  These aspects of the whole X-Factor fiasco are the most entertaining ones, as the singing if often painful. Last night there were numerous mediocre efforts from the hopefuls, and sadly it will take a few weeks yet before they are rightly ejected, in no particular order.  It's this last comment that is really the one that sums things up at this relatively early stage of the live shows.   Having got back to the sensible dozen acts vying for star status, we can surely all agree that the first two weeks have been unwarranted padding.  The real loser has been Louis; I don't just mean generally, in life, but in respect of losing acts.  Still, the groups are generally woeful.

Madonna - Over 65s

I read that Madonna is being lined up for an appearance in December.  That would be enough reason to switch channels and watch a rerun of "A Touch of Frost" on ITV.Seen It All Before.  There can surely be no relevance for her in a competition where there is no category elastic enough to include her unless Cowell tops up the categories with a fifth, for the pensioners.  Surely her arms should be leaning on a bingo table rather than waving at us?

Result

Tonight was the usual hour-long show to cover the essential fifteen minutes that counted for anything at all.  Maroon 5 managed with consummate ease to avoid impressing me, although Jessie J got that ball rolling beforehand with a self-indulgent warble 'n' wail session.  Still, both efforts were so much better than Tony Bennett and Lady Gaga, over on Strictly Come Dancing.  This hopeless duo managed to kill a song together, and would have been ejected on Week One of X-Factor!

As a completely random aside, I think that if Ben and Chloe-Jasmine ever went into business together, Haenow & Whichello would be fucking amazing as a name of a legal company.

Going to the advert break, part-way through the list of those saved, we were left with Stereo Kicks, Chloe-Jasmine, Jake and Stephanie.  I can't say I gave a shit, so any 'suspense' that Dermotitis was hoping to generate was simply not there. Back again, and we learned that Jake was still in.  Yawn.

The fewest public votes were scored by Stephanie, and she was eliminated. Well, after absolutely killing Blondie's "Call Me" last night, I am pleased the public did its job.  "This is just the start" said Cheryl Tweed Coal Fermented Versace, regarding Stephanie and her "distinctive" voice that's "not everyone's cup of tea."  

The sing-off revealed a side of Chloe that was surprising - she can be fucking awful!  Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow was totally killed by Chloe, and "No I won't" is my answer.  Stereo Kicks had a go next, and I took I'll Stand By You as a threat rather than as entertainment.  The singing was almost as awful as Chloe's offering.  BOTH acts needed to fuck off home.

CTCVFCXF saved Chloe and Louis saved Dublin Primary School; no surprises.  Mel sent Chloe home and left Simon to decide the fates of the 9 people on stage.  He also ejected Chloe, and Louis was left with the greatest number of people left in the competition - 12.  She was gracious enough in defeat, and so came to an end another mess of a programme.

...

19.10.14 Tennis & The Williams Sisters

I must confess to some real amusement, after reading the story today about the Russian tennis chief, whose comments have upset all sorts of people, not least the Williams sisters.

Serena Williams has accused Shamil Tarpischev of the Russian Tennis Federation of "making extremely sexist, racist and bullying comments".  She has referred to his 'contribution' during a television talk show.  He was sitting alongside Elena Dementieva, and when she was asked what it was like playing against the Williams sisters, Tarpischev cut in with his own views, calling them the "Williams brothers" and then adding: "It's scary when you really look at them."

For his sins he was handed a fine by the Women's Tennis Association, as well as a 12-month ban.  He was apparently surprised, and confused after being punished, claiming he was "on a humorous show.  I must say that I have some real sympathy for Mr Tarpishev, considering he was to a large degree simply stating the obvious.

I am sorry, Serena, but exactly how were his comments in any way 'sexist' then?  As for his assertion that the sisters are 'scary', that's evident for anyone who is not blind.  I say these things not as any criticism, but to underline that the comments were hardly that inappropriate.  As for him to referring to them as the "Williams brother", that was surely simply a rather efficient way of highlighting that they are rather masculine . . . . something else that it's impossible to dispute.  It seems to me that this Russian chap has done little more than state the obvious, and not shy away from actually saying what millions no doubt think anyway.

...

18.10.12 X-Factor 2nd Live Show

Louis has lost half of his acts, and thus manages to match the remains of his brain.  We are off and running on the second of the live shows.  Cheryl came on wearing the outer layer of a leek, and I took one before I was set for some piss poor performances.

Kermit / CCTV

Jack Walton
Jack Walton obliged with the first piss poor performance, and seemed incapable of pronouncing more than half of the words in the fucking song. He'd not heard of Paula Abdul's song, and demonstrated a complete disinterest in learning it! Louis decided that "Paula would love that version of the song".  I dis-a-fucking-gree!  "Not the best vocal," said Simon.  True.  Mel B sucked his cock, and "well-bloody-done" from her was hardly appropriate, let alone accurate. TMWSC = Jack Shit

Stephanie Nala
I was not expecting much at all, and was rewarded with no more than I expected.  Diabolical, and an insult to Blondie in every respect.  Lightweight shit, if ever there was shit served up on a talent show.  Her wobbling and warbling was embarrassment, completely.  This sounded dire.  "So much better than last week," said Louis.  TWAT and LIAR.  "It was a million times better than last week," said Simon.  TWAT and LIAR.  However, he then said she seemed to be half asleep and that worked for me.  Cheryl tried and failed to provide any constructive comments about her pathetic act.  Cheryl Cole Tweedy Versini [CCTV] was more lightweight than Stephanie!  Stephanie confirmed she just wanted to "have fun" and on that basis, she can fuck off.

Andrea Faustini
Simply an excellent singer who will be in the final.  "Even when he's getting it in the neck, he's lovely," said Dermotitis, after Simon provided some constructive criticism.

Lauren Platt
Whatever comes next, this is the performance of the night, and he should be a finalist with Andrea.

Ben Haenow
This chap has to be careful about the wailing ballad fixation, and the desperation that creeps into songs.  "I friggin loved it," said Mel B, pushing her limits to this side (just) of the swearing line.  A solid performance, and Mel B was o the money, while smug Simon was a nuisance with his comment. Simon, that was not "the best performance so far" because Lauren was just ahead of him!

Fleur East
Professional as ever, and she is another one who should last for some time in this competition.

School Assembly
I know that's not their name, but the rabble that formed a version of a school assembly was weaker than a paraplegic arm wrestler.  Singalong shit that marks them out (all eight of them) as run-of-the-mill.  Mrs MWSC has just confirmed that "Stereo Kicks" is the real name of the ensemble, not that I give a shit.  Squealing girls in the audience can piss off as well.  "We're not One Direction," said one of the eight musketeers, and on that point he was so right. I think that as a collective, the 8 of them are North, South, East, West, Northeast, Northwest, Southeast, and Southwest.

Lola Saunders
'Imagine' is a tired song for X-Factor.  How boring.  The extra 'h' in front of vowels did nothing for the pronunciation.  Shit song choice, wailing, mispronunciation and general malaise.  "Fishmonger to Legend" is not quite believable, Mel B.  Kermit said something about an angel.

Jake Quickenden
"I don't want to be the person who just looks good."  Conceited, Jake?  The performance was mediocre.

Chloe Jasmine
It seems that Chloe has a single ability, which is to sing in a certain style, having taken a song and created a slower version of it.  It's good, yes, but limited rather.

Paul Akister
I am flagging now, and forgot this bloke existed until his name cropped up as yet another act to watch.  The "quack" sound in his vocals shone through, as usual.  He has a great voice, yet makes lesser use of it than seems sensible or possible.  Formulaic and middle-of-the-road.

I was just thinking this fucking programme was over and then not only is there Jay still to come, but Stevi G pops up!

Stevi G
Singing a Rick Astley song, Stevi demonstrated that he simply cannot fucking sing.  Dire as a nun's cunt in a belfry.  Yes, the dancers were good, but it's a bit desperate all round.

Only The Young
Well, Come On Eileen was a risk, and I am not too sure that it worked.  Still, this group is one that deserves a decent chance to prove its worth, and maybe it will get the chance to do so.  This performance was not good, not bad.  Let's see if there's a chance for them to regain some of the promise that was shown in the auditions.  I think the four can come up with something better than so far delivered.

Jay
At last, the last fucking act of the night.  Walking 500 miles was never so painful. As per CCTV, it was "odd", and I am not at all sure that this happy, stomping crowd pleaser was the right fodder for the slowed-down version with some inappropriate.  Simon decided that it was genius, and he was incorrect. The nasal tones left me clogged up.

...

18.10.14 Strictly Come Dancing

Thank goodness we'll not have to experience Donny Osmond ever again. Sadly the same cannot be said of Tess Daly, who assaults my ears with venom. Sometimes, in my weaker moments, I recall with mild fondness previous series when her input was less prominent, but then I come to my senses and give thanks for the absence of Bruce Forsyth.

Twelve "celebrities" appear before us, along with Judy Murray, whom by any stretch of the definition, is NOT any sort of "celebrity".  Without any sort of stand on this matter, we could be saddled with the mother of any doting mother of a sportsman or sportswoman, and that is simply a ludicrous proposition.  Anyway, here's with the type-as-I-watch approach.

Frankie
Some worrying timing issues, despite her having most of the moves, and being very easy to watch.  Pretty good overall, though, and destined to get far. 32/40 and a fair result.

Mark Wright
"Last week was an out of body experience," he said on the VT.  Of his Nan, he said "She's a good critique", meaning "critic" of course.  I think Mark is best when he sticks to not speaking at all.  Running in a big circle to start of the Quick-Step reminded me of a junior school kid in the egg-and-spoon-race. When the prancing and skipping started, I lost interest completely.  Not very good, and he looked uncomfortable all the way through that.  "A lot of trotting," said Len.  Well said, and he was the only one of the four judges who mentioned this.  29/40 was fair enough, I suppose.

Judy Murray
The input from Andy Murray was clearly designed to gain some sort of boost in the ratings, and support for this awful joke.  When the dancing started, and Anton flung her across the floor, she literally went all over the place, and Anton was struggling not to piss himself.  Judy's movements were lazy and unfinished.  "Your natural stiffness came in very handy," said Craig.  The whole thing, including the judges' comments, was amusing, even if the dancing was poor, a fact that was mainly ignored!  22/40 was okay.

Simon Webbe
The token entrant from Blue did quite well this week.  (I wonder how well Antony Costa from Blue will do later this week on some other programme - I think it's a quiz or a cookery show.  It's not like any of the four chaps from Blue is unavailable, eh?)  The dance was good, and took a lot of stamina. This week, Kristina was wearing more clothes than usual, so maybe she will antagonise fewer of the female viewers this week; this was Katie Hopkins' view in The Sun yesterday.  31/40 was fine.

Alison Hammond
Sorry, whether it is politically correct or not, I just cannot view this 'samba' with any sense of enjoyment, and a woman that big trying to wobble in time to Beyonce music is slightly embarrassing.  The audience clapped, but where does the patronising stop and appreciation truly begin?  27/40 was a bit generous.

Scott Mills
My disinterest in Scott Mills has been superseded by uninterest.  Hopefully you'll appreciate the subtle difference.  His dancing was lame, and he has the oomph of a damp peanut, discarded in an ashtray.
Bruno: "You have all of the pieces but nothing fits together; that takes some doing."
Craig: "You are an exception to the rule that anyone can learn to dance."
Tess: "Never mind, we all loved it."  TWAT.  15/40 was fair.

Steve Somebody-or-Other
Unsurprisingly, Ola was worthy of 10/10, but he was pretty good himself! 27/40 was a bit stingy from the judges.

Pixie Lott
Excellent.  Perhaps not technically so, but certainly a connection was there, and that's usually the main part of the problem for contestants.  32/40 was not generous, but okay.

Tim Wonnacott
Last week's disastrous effort managed to escape its comeuppance for reasons that only the antique-obsessed twats in the UK can explain.  He is a really nice chap, but that's not what is supposed to be the basis for the marks and votes! This week's effort was a fucking further disaster.  "I love him to bits, but I'd never waste a phone call on him," said Mrs MWSC.  "You looked like a mildly irritated goat," said Bruno.  "Limp, lame, lacklustre," said Craig. 19/40 says it all.

Sunetra
What a really good workout that was!  I wish Daly could pronounce 'Salsa' properly.  27/40.

Thom Evans
The obligatory rugby player did well enough.  30/40 was mildly stingy, mainly as Craig should have given a 7 not a 6.

Jake

A few hiccups this time, and in places, rather ungainly.  A mixture of very good and going for it, and a bit messy.  33/40 was good.

Caroline Flack
Really good, despite the odd mistake, and she is clearly a good dancer.  33/40 was okay.


Is the result depending, then, on the numbers of voters in the various camps:

Tim Wonnacott has the daytime TV antiques crowd
Scott Mills has his radio listeners
Judy Murray has no one, but vicariously benefits from Andy Murray supporters
Simon Webbe has no one who gives a monkey's about Blue

...

18.10.14 X-Factor - The Truth Hurts

As far as names go, the most of the judges on X-Factor have a sensible approach, with Louis Walsh and Simon Cowell going for the traditional angle of two names, and no deviations on an almost annual basis.  Mel B has managed quite well with one abbreviation, followed by a single letter.  All this is more than counterbalanced by the other one, currently know as Cheryl Sachet de Varnish, or something similar.

Cheryl Cole Tweedy Versini (or CCTV for short) sees everything, as you'd expect.  I Don't Care is her latest single, and I must say that the feeling is completely reciprocated.  I am not so sure that her powers of hearing are up to much, though, and that goes for the others as well.  How some of the contestants ever got picked is baffling.  The biggest obscenity is that after a week of the live shows, and a double ejection, there are still fourteen fucking acts thinking they have a chance of filling the £2 per CD basket in Morrisons early next year.

Yesterdays' paper included a note about illness in the house that the 317 contestants are sharing, and there are apparently a number of 'singers' whose voices are at risk to the point where producers have ordered them to stay silent. What a fantastic approach; let's hope that the orders are NOT rescinded in time for tonight's marathon.  Among the alleged victims are Ben Haenow, Jake Quickenden and rather less worryingly James Graham.  While Ben and Jake are solo performers, James is one of the 8-strong rabble that makes up Stereo Kicks, and surely there's no fucking way it'll make any difference if they drop down to seven!  In fact, for the first live show, only four were on stage for the first 20 seconds, before four more from school assembly joined in.  That proved to be initially 4 too many, and latterly, 8 too many.

In the same newspaper article, it was reported that Lola Saunders is on antibiotics, while Stephanie Nala has been told she must rest her voice or face losing it.  To be honest, I thought she'd been resting her voice since August, and any loss of it would pretty much go unnoticed by me.  Meanwhile, Chloe Jasmine [no, that's not the name of a Yankee Candle, but the blonde bird who thinks she's a reincarnation of Princess Di] has a severely swollen foot, and I wonder if the foot is a forerunner for the ego.  Anyway, it seems she trod on some glass.  Silly moo; I though we'd seen the last of bare feet, after Diana Vickers found some sandals in Oxfam a few years ago.

The X-Factor soap opera is underway, and the inane stories, and overuse of the word "amazing" will only be superseded in the annoyance stakes by the participants' continual assertions that they are:

1 - Having Fun [sorry, not fucking interested in that lame input]
2 - Working so hard [work? Yeah, right.  Do you want a pat on the back or what?]
3 - Desperate to make family proud of them [yawn]
4 - Not wanting it all to end [yawn]
5 - Doing what they've always wanted to do, and that it means everything to them [zzzzzzzzz]

We could probably cut now to Andrea Faustini, Fleur East, Ben Haenow, Lauren Platt and Chloe Jasmin.  That would mean the whole thing could be wrapped up in three weeks instead of the looming two months.

...

15.10.14 This Week's TV Lowlights

TV Guide Observations

River Monsters  Jeremy Wade sits alongside a 17ft anaconda.  Last in series.
Sadly the anaconda wasn't hungry enough to do us all a favour and consume JW.  Still, at least it's the end of the series.

Gogglebox Celebrity Special for SU2C  Nicole Scherzinger performs with a choir of children who survived cancer.
Surely these kids have suffered enough without having to endure this extra ordeal?

Derren Brown and Martin Freeman for SU2C  Derren Brown performs a stunt for Martin Freeman, plus Jack Whitehall is on hand to raise awareness of testicular cancer.
So it's Jack Whitehall talking bollocks yet again.

Paul O'Grady: For the Love of Dogs  Paul helps to remove matted hair from a neglected German shepherd.  See Pick of the Day.
For once, the extra information after the colon is useful, or I'd have assumed Paul was going to groom a bloke from Bavaria.  I like the 'pick of the day' coincidence as well.

Do We Really Need the Moon?  Maggie Aderin-Pocock explores Earth's relationship with its satellite.
What a pathetic fucking concept for a programme.  This is not a question worth asking, as there's hardly any choice.  Maggie needs to find something more useful to do with her life, and other questions to tackle, questions that might lead to proper consideration and even affect outcomes.  For example, "Do we need HS2?"  Now that's a question with an obvious answer, and the programme would last just a few seconds for the 'No' to be stated in response.  Maggie could then get back to knitting a colander.

The Kitchen  The Barry-Powers face an uphill battle to get eight-year-old Cerys to school.
Yawn.  No mention of it being downhill on the way home!


Lowlight of the Week

Loose Women  Jonathan Ross joins the panel to discuss the return of his chat show.

As for Channel 5, and its appalling lack of quality, the schedules demonstrate just how pathetic the offerings are.  Take Thursday's running order, as an example:

8.00  Benefits, Babies and Jail
9.00  No Foreigners Here - 100% British
10.00  Hey Big Spenders! Shopaholics Exposed
11.00  Can't Pay? We'll Take It Away
12.00  SuperCasino

The Daily Mail TV Guide is littered with diabolical abuses of the English language, and one particular annoyance is the obsession with making singular things plural.  Examples:

Antiques Roadshow:  The team visit . . . .  VISITS
Our Girl:  As the unit prepare to . . . .  PREPARES
Carry On Matron:  A gang of crooks try to . . . .  TRIES
Flog It! Trade Secrets:  The team explore . . . .  EXPLORES
Only Connect:  A team of orienteers take on . . . .  TAKES
Cagney & Lacey:  The duo witness a shooting . . . .  WITNESSES
Home Away from Home:  A family from Essex swap homes with . . . . SWAPS
Cagney & Lacey:  A gang of robbers impersonate police officers . . . . IMPERSONATES
The Job Lot:  The team are put under pressure . . . .  IS


...

15.10.14 ITV.Be and BBC Desperation

The Chase

The depths to which television 'entertainment' can sink to are truly astounding.  Last week I endured a supposed 'celebrity' version of The Chase, featuring the irritating Ken Bruce, and the thick-as-pig-shit support trio of David Haye, Laila Morse and Paul Ince.  Ken went for the £30,000 and was ejected by The Chaser, Anne Hegerty.  Ince was also ejected, leaving two heavyweights (ref body weight) who proved to be lightweights on the intellectual scale.  This pair managed to get through to the chase, and were given the opportunity to display a level of shite that has never before been seen on the programme.  Their score was 7.  That's 'SEVEN'.  Seven fucking correct answers, when usually the final chase involves The Chaser attempting to get anywhere between 15 and 23 points.  At one stage, Anne was asked a question which required her to state the primary colour associated with something, and her answer of 'RED' was incorrect.  Laila Morse and David Haye looked non-plussed, and then she offered her alternative answer on behalf of the pair.  I thought that with only two options available, the 50% chance of success would see them have a chance of clawing back a single point. However, Laila's answer (remember, a primary colour other than 'red' was needed) was 'BROWN' - wtf?

ITV.Be

On the one hand, it is a welcome development that ITV has created a new channel, because this has necessitated filling it up with programmes, and the process appears to have involved collecting all the complete shit and putting it in one place.  The result is that I can choose to ignore for all time ITV.Be, and regain some small percentage of the sanity taken from my my the previous exposure to shit.  The only downside of the mopping-up exercise is the mad level of promotion of this awful channel.  The result of all the shit residing in one place is a beneficial one, as long as ITV starts very quickly to tone down its deluded view that we need to be told about the bollocks that the twats in charge have scooped up and put there!

BBC2 Desperation

Just as ITV has decided we need a supplement to the main programme, and has given us via ITV2 The Extra Factor, the BBC has decided that we are desperate enough to clamour for extra helpings.  Thus, BBC2 serves us endless Bake Off helpings, whether it's the "Extra Slice" edition, or the milking of a concept via its "Masterclass" programmes.  This is of course aside from actual repeats, which litter the corporation's output.  BBC2 is also the home of "It Takes Two", the vehicle for Zoe Ball to annoy the fuck out of humanity with her garish style of presenting the tittle-tattle surrounding Strictly Come Dancing.  We are now set to endure Dara O'Briain chatting to the week's cast-off from the Apprentice, with his "You're Fired" programme.  I have no idea why it's become so fashionable to force extra programmes out of the dregs of the main one.

...

12.10.14 The Sunday Results

Strictly Come Dancing

The dance-off was contested between the wrong two pairs.  Don't get me wrong, both couples were pretty awful, and one could argue that on this basis, ejection of either would have served a purpose.  What's so annoying, though, is the system for scoring that sees the horrendous Judy Murray survive for yet another fucking week.  This travesty is one that undermines the whole programme.  Bruno made a telling comment regarding her 'performance' when he said that during her dance, she went "from Nelson's Column to a blob". Elsewhere, Tim Whatacock was saved by the bored housewives who no doubt watch daytime TV, and whatever antiques show he pisses about on. Scott Mills is simply embarrassing.  Let's hope that over the next three weeks, we lose each of those three in turn.  Sadly, the public vote is so unpredictable that idiots with phones will bugger up proceedings, I fear.

Jennifer Gibney   &   Simon Webbe

The dance off was between Miss Fritton/Rupert Everett, and the most boring of the Blue mob.  There was not an ounce of entertainment in the painful efforts that saw the St Trinian's headmistress make her exit.  The good news for all is that the awful Donny Osmond is also exiting this week.  His scoring has been the most random pot of toss that one could have imagined.  Let's hope he's not invited back.


The X-Factor

The results show commands an hour of the TV schedule, despite there being need of only about fifteen minutes to do the necessary.  Sadly this programme is designed to allow guests to tout their albums, and Pharrell Williams [the culprit responsible for the 'Happy' song] was invited to annoy us in person this week.  His performance was shite, flat, uninspiring, and self-indulgent.  What sort of example is this to set for the sixteen contestants behind the stage?  "Get your hands up high, move them side to side" - with lyrics like this, Pharrell needs to get a brain to put inside that silly hat.

Next up was Taylor Swift with a song so annoying, light-weigh and forgettable that my mind has gone as blank now as it did when she was 'singing' the wailing playground jingle that included much use of the word 'shake'.  I suspect the word was used around 70 times!  The four judges stood at the right moment, I think coinciding with the electric shock that Brian Friedman sent to their chairs as a prank.  Dermot thanked Taylor Swift rather than head-butt her (shame) and it was then time for the nauseating competition details.  So, half an hour in, and not a sniff of relevance to the 'results'.

The roll call was interrupted by an ad break, and the last three were revealed.  Out of the competition went Blonde Electra.  Well, considering they should never have been included, this was no loss at all.  Overload Generation and Stephanie were left to compete in the 'sing-off'.

Overload Generation bored me with the usual weak warbling, face pulling, flat notes, and general gormlessness which Simon referred to yesterday in respect of the middle one of the five.  This was an unmemorable performance.  Stephanie, by non-contrast, was equally unable to sing.  Her weak voice contained a few warbles, and this tame effort was only 20 decibels above heavy breathing.  The disgrace of X-Factor is that one of the two had to be saved!  I am sure that the Mel B school of man management would have seen both kicked off.

Simon - "Shockingly bad" for Overload.  Cheryl followed suit, but Mel B sent Stephanie home.  Would Louis go to 'deadlock?  Of course.  So, at 2-2, the public vote was used to decide the outcome.  The fewest votes were scored by Overload Generation, and the five went home.  It seems the group of them was around just about long enough to add a word to the name, but not long enough to count to two.

...

12.10.14 X-Factor Live Shows

Louis Walsh . . . . . Why?

In the numerous breaks for adverts, I watched the supermarkets trying to outdo each other.  Sanctimonious Sainsbury's managed to suggest that when their 'deals' are over, unlike Tesco the prices don't jump back to the previous high levels.  So, both might offer something at £2 but when Tesco puts the price back to £4, Sainsbury's sets it at £3.  Excuse me, if both of you cunts can sell something at £2 when it suits, then both £3 and £4 are piss-takes.

Meanwhile, Morrisons is apparently charging £5 for tubs of chocolate sweets, while Asda is selling them at £4.  Ner-ner-neeeeer!  At the same time, Morrisons is three quid cheaper than Asda on Bold washing liquid - na-naa-na-naa-naa!  This pathetic bickering in the breaks was most annoying.

Back on X-Factor, the same pathetic bickering was evident.  The judges are a pain in the cunt.  The jostling and put downs are so puerile, and instead of concentrating on the singers [no, there are no grounds yet for calling them 'artists'] we are expected to be interested in the bluntness of Mel B, the vowels of Cheryl Tweedy-Cole-Pancho-Sanchez-Versini-Technicolor, Simon's pontification, and Louis Bloody Walsh period.  Meanwhile, Dermot presides over a drawn out mess of a programme that on Saturday took up two-and-a-half hours in the TV schedule.  Obviously the time wasted on competition announcements, useless recaps and nine advert breaks meant actually one-and-three-quarter hours of programme, within which the singing accounted for 24 minutes!

The mammoth test of endurance to get to the live shows included the Judges' Houses stage, where one set of hopefuls went to Simon's house, while the three other judges found a location to hire for their own rabbles. Whittling down the six to three in each category was an arduous task, accompanied by much wailing and crying, plus the obligatory begging, pleading, moaning and affirmations that this meant 'everything' to them. Eventually, 24 became 12 - more than enough for us to find a winner from in the coming weeks.  Then the Wildcard phenomenon kicked in.

It did more than that, it proved a kick in the teeth for common sense, because the phenomenon became phenomena!  I recall the Wildcard from a previous time, when the 12 became 13.  That was in keeping with the concept of a Wildcard, singular.  This time, each judge allocated a Wildcard for another judge, giving us FOUR more to listen to.  So, the Judges' Houses stage was in fact largely a farce that allowed Sinitta to parade in feathers, Tulisa to test her new pouty look on us,  Cheryl to call in Tinie Tempah to try and look cool, and Mel B to get grinning input and inanity from Bunton. As the end result was in fact to lose just two per category, it was ostentatious padding for the TV schedules.

16 singers or groups last night, what a marathon.  NB: The next idiot who refers to one of the five or the eight blokes as a "band" instead of a group will be the subject of a voodoo curse.  Here's the five-star round up of the performers:

Paul Akister =  ***
Lola Saunders =  ***
Overload Generation =  *
Jay James =  **
Stephanie Nala =  *
Jack Walton =  *
Chloe Jasmine =  ***
Stereo Kicks =  **
Stevi Richie =
Lauren Platt =  ****
Blonde Electra =  *
Ben Haenow =  ***
Jake Quickenden =  **
Fleur East =  ****
Only The Young =  **
Andrea Faustini =  *****

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