Most people, especially those with knowledge of the financial sector, will be of the opinion that AER stands for Annual Equivalent Rate, which is generally linked to financial products and accounts where interest is paid over shorter periods (typically every six months). The AER is of interest (pun intended) to those wanting to compare rates. However, in my world, AER stands for the Asda Exercise Regime.
The advent of this phenomenon has not been strongly publicised - in fact an element of stealth has applied. There can be no doubt, however, that Asda has broadened its remit, and aside from the tangential businesses that carry the ASDA logo, there's been a subtle and silent development that now affects all shoppers; let me explain, and categorise the various aspects of the AER.
Arms & Core Strength
The first parts of the body to get a workout are the arms, and this links in with further benefits to core strength. The workout comes by way of the effort to deal with the trolley, admittedly to a limited degree during the entry to the shop unless you've been fortunate enough to select a shopping trolley that's fucked. The "warm up" that the trolley manoeuvring provides is a useful first step to the challenges to come.
During the exit phase, after leaving the supermarket, the fully loaded trolley provides its toughest level of exercise, as you try to avoid the many parked cars, and alternate the force applied to the crossbar of the trolley from the right side to the left side, steering as best you can.
Leg Muscles and Balance
A recent change in the store layout has led to a much improved workout for the legs, and for those with the slightest wobble. Ankle joints get a bit of use as well during what might be described as "The Squat". The more observant of you will almost certainly have noticed the revised store layouts (which have swept the country over the last year) have caused a change in the display of DVDs in all but the smaller Asda stores. Instead of the helpful and visible displays, we are now expected to select films from three main horizontal sections, each of which has four rows of DVDs. The consequence of this development is that unless you're as tall as fucking Mother Theresa, there' no way to see the back two rows of DVDs in the bottom section.
Instead of adopting a comfortable and relaxed shopping position, it is necessary to crane one's neck to see the first two rows, low down, and actually squat if one is in any way bothers to inspect what's for fucking sale on the back two rows of DVDs in the lower of the three sections. This means that at any given moment, the casual observer (along with the security staff via the overhead cameras) will see a number of people all squatting, and walking with a stupid wiggle while on their haunches, fucking their ankles and getting annoyed. At some point (the point where their tolerance of such a fucking pathetic shopping position is exceeded) they will necessarily stand - or try to. It is this act which provided the most demanding of exercise contained within the AER.
The comedic value of this element of the regime is not lost on me, and I today managed a low-level waddle towards a woman who was similarly positioned, looking at what was available to buy. Calf muscles antagonised, and quadriceps mullered, I moved on with my arm exercises, pushing the trolley towards the freezer section.
Stretching
The freezers are more commonly now the vertical type, with a general move away from the 'chest' style. As part of the AER, we are expected to open doors and with outstretched arms, lean forward and select items. This reaching is ensuring movement of more muscles as we shop for cold stuff. The lazy approach is retained to a limited degree, as there's often now little in this part of the store that's kept in a chest freezer, from which anyone could pick thinks up after leaning against the front of the 'trough' and gaining extra support.
Lifting
The general lifting opportunities used to exist mainly in the beer section, where boxes and crates of booze, whether canned or bottled, would require some exertion on the part of the shopper. This lifting was another calorie burner for shoppers, and to this day it remains the main way for us to engage in lifting. However, the relatively recent move towards 'self service' means that we now have much more work to do. Yes, Asda is slowly but surely redeploying staff, and reducing the number of checkout options that involve an Asda member of staff.
Once upon a time it was a straight choice between the normal checkout lane, and the one for "9 Items or Fewer" - although the word "Less" was mistakenly used by most cunts in charge. These days, there are two extra options - both unmanned/unwomaned. The self-service scanning points, and the more cumbersome self-checkout lanes. The latter are collectively a cunt-and-a-half to use, and they represent the retailers outrageous nerve, though the expectation that we will scan ourselves the £87 worth of stuff we've lifted from the trolley! We are to lift stuff from shelves and pallets and put it in a trolley, then take the same stuff out and put it on a conveyor, then lift it over a scanner, then put it in the trolley again, and then lift it into a car. That's some fucking workout, and the highest level of demand (the DVD squats are a close second) in the overall Asda Exercise Regime.
Heart Rate & Blood Pressure
Before leaving the store, though, there's a chance for shoppers to be put through their paces by the various 'challenges' that lead to stress and frustration. These are commonly provided in the form of obstacles in aisles and at the end of aisles, so that the space available for trolley-pushers is restricted. This, together with the twats who decide to stop suddenly for an impulse buy, and the various communal gatherings (when people who know each other stop to have a chat while occupying valuable space) mean there is ample opportunity for a rise in head rate and blood pressure, as 'trolley rage' kicks in. The sheer frustration means the body is threatened with stress. This is designed so that shoppers get acclimatised to traumatic situations, and learn to cope with the complete fucking cunting madness that exists in stores.
The real challenges are provided to shoppers who've either decided to shop at 'replenishment times' or have been unlucky enough to arrive during maximum replenishment activity. Asda trolleys full of extra stock or full of waste/cardboard from stock that's just been put on display provide extra obstacles for shoppers with trolleys. There are of course many other frustrations, for example:
- a "three-for-two" offer but only two items are left on display
- staff who get in the way, and are oblivious to customers, as they fuck about straightening yoghurts and packs of ham
- queuing
- unscannable barcode that lead to a staff member have to locate a replacement product
- checkout workers who are somehow employed whilst being delinquent
Slalom
This is linked in many ways to overcoming the frustrations of the points above, under 'Heart Rate and Blood Pressure'. The manoeuvrability of trolleys (of various weights) is dependent of the abilities of the pusher combined with the quality of the wheels/steering, and the load size. The dawdlers and cunts in the way, along with baskets of shit on display in aisles, and massive containers of eggs strategically dotted around the store, all serve to create one giant slalom course.
Mental Exercise
This is to help older people try and keep their brains active, according to Asda, but investigation has revealed that in most cases, the customers are simply being ripped off. Keeping mentally active will allow customers to deal with the shit thrown their way via the supposed 'offers' on goods. If they exercise frequently, then it will soon become second nature to avoid the 1kg packs of Clover available in Asda at £3.70, and instead buy two 500g packs of Clover at £1.50 each. This simple approach saves 70p on the exact same amount of Clover, while actually buying more easily manageable portions. Once shoppers have got to this stage, they will most likely be able to cope with the Sudoku in The Sun, and move up to the real challenges in Asda stores, such as the High Juice fiasco.
I suspect there's either been a harvest failure worldwide, or a lack of interest in people foraging or picking fruit and berries. Otherwise, how else can one explain the rise in the price of Summer Fruits High Juice. For over a year, the 1 litre bottles have been £1.49 or "two for £2.50". I have thus been purchasing two litres every so often, and have been pleased with this arrangement. With nothing on Mail Online, in The Sun, or on television news about problems with fruit harvests, I suspect a move (unwarranted) by Asda has been made for opportunistic reason rather than necessity. After such a very long time, the multi-buy has changed to "three for £4". This will be confusing to anyone who has solved neither the Clover Enigma at Asda, or a Sudoku in The Sun.
Clearly the hope from Asda is that people will work out that three bottles is supposedly worth £4.47 and so for an outlay of £4.00, there's a "saving" of 47p, and thus a net price, in effect, of £1.33. The non-regular drinkers of High Juice will not appreciate that the previous offer meant an effective price per bottle of just £1.25, and that three bottles should really be on sale for a total of £3.75. So, shoppers at Asda are now expected to outlay £4.00 at once, and pay 25p extra, an increase of 6.7% for no good reason. Working all this out might just be a little more exercise for the mind than the Sudoku solvers can manage - unless they opt for the hardest one (occasionally termed "toughie").
Eyesight
For good measure, there a workout for the eyes, courtesy of the dimwit holding the "big finger" labelled "Space Here" at the checkouts. This mean that those who are alert and have good eyes are able to spot the supposed best lane, although if two shoppers clock it simultaneously, there's the added advantage of a race, and a bonus feature of the AER.
The final element of the Asda Exercise Regime is the "Trolley Return" and the effectiveness is wholly dependent upon the proximity of the plastic shed that forms the drop-off point. Dexterity is tested in a random way, depending on the tenacity of the coin-holding part of the contraption; some pound coins are not given up very easily by the metal trolleys. Loading shopping to a car burns a few more calories, and after this, there's the drive home for relaxation. The AER is certainly demanding, and is in fact essential if the fat shoppers are to stand any chance at all of not piling on the weight after devouring 3 tons of Smart Price shite per week.
...
No comments:
Post a Comment