Christine Bleakness
So, after the opening pointless performance by the pros, we were introduced to the five left; Gareth, Matt, Samia, Beth and Olympic Gold Medal Winning Boxer Luke. I mention that Luke is a boxer and won a gold medal in the Olympics just in case it has escaped your attention - which (if that's the case) means you are fucking dead. Christopher Dean made reference to a "skip rope" which in English is a skipping rope. We went to the first commercial break with no progress on the skating and about thirteen minutes of life on Earth completely wasted.
Beth
This was by and large boring. She moved around the ice dressed in white with a stupid wig on, and carted a hoop around with her. 30 points followed the Tony Gubba replacement referring to the "Born This Way Orbit" and the "Spinning Gaga Belt". All rather mundane, and certainly not entertaining.
Luke
As Beth's turn came to an end, and before the second commercial break, Christine Bleakness told us that Luke was up next, and confirmed we ought to have interest with the fantastic line:
"You really don't want to skip this one."
Bleakbird and Schofield 'performed' a pathetic routine of their own, involving an inflatable banana and a teddy bear. It was truly shite. Before Luke (or 'Look', as Bleakness pronounces it) was skating, we had the catch-up for the last week, and Look told us:
"This week I'm coming back fighting."
The tired phrase was so mind-numbingly awful that I considered punching the screen rather than hear any more of Look's pronouncements. Alas, he followed up with another tired effort:
"I'm not giving up; that's how I got to be the Olympic Champion."
In case you didn't know, Look won a Gold Medal last year (yes, way back in the summer) and that makes him an Olympian and because it was the Gold, he's a 'champion'. He might technically be a champion, but he was nevertheless able to confirm with his performance that his prop (a skipping rope - take note C. Dean) had more personality than he has himself. After scoring 30 points, the Gubba replacement managed to describe Look's skate (much of which involved lassoing his partner Jenna with the skipping rope) as a "knockout routine". How fucking creative, especially as Luke is a boxing champion.
Ashley was able to help us all out when, during her comments, she highlighted that the skipping rope was not an easy prop to work with, and that: "You could have dropped it" and "It could have got tangled." Thanks, Ashley - awesome!
"Hop, skip or jump, Luke doesn't care how he gets there." This was a painful contribution by Schofield, telling us Look wants to reach the semi-final and that we might like to vote for him.
Matt
Another break, and then further padding of the schedule as T&D wandered around the rink to the singing of Rumer, while Jules Holland played the piano. All rather weird. I am sure there was yet another break before Matt skated really well and scored 36 points out of a possible 40. I know he was good because Ashley said it was: "Fun, Funk, fabulous." Wise words indeed, Roberts. Then Christopher Dean told him: "You were full of awesomeness." What shit is spoken on this programme!
Before another break, Bleakness asked some pointless questions (the only sort she knows, actually) and said to Beth:
"If you're lucky enough to be here next week, which undoubtedly you will, . . . . . "
This lead up to a question was both grammatically flawed and contradictory whilst presumptive. Quite impressive that Bleakley can find so many ways to get something wrong, eh? The link to the break was then via the competition that invited us all to waste money on a pathetically easy question, to which the answer was (and still is) 'Britney Spears'. NOTE: The question was NOT "Which American female was once a reasonable singer but has now proven herself to be unworthy of any real role in the music industry, especially after her useless input on X-Factor USA, and will only now be remembered positively for old songs sung when she was a teenager?"
Samia
Why I've the urge to refer to her as "Smear" I do not know. Bleakness welcomed us back after the break, and helped/hindered by Schofield, she recapped for us what had happened thus far. Her 'presenting' included news that: "Matt went head to head to head with three hats." I tried to slit my wrists but didn't have the right prop to hand. Instead, I endured Smear's testing time on the ice, as Longchambonbons manoeuvred her around the rink to the song The Look. The Gubba-replacement told us she was "going back to her roots" and wondered (alas out loud) whether they would be on an "upward curl". The puns were killing me as watched this tripe. 28 points came her way, along with wise words from Ashley: "You had fun tonight; you went out there and had fun."
Gareth
He scored 34.5 points with a pretty good routine involving a rugby ball. Ashley scored the lowest (8) and managed to tell us that Gareth and Robin had a wonderful partnership and relationship whilst at the same time suggesting they needed to be more engaged. As ever, Ashley was talking drivel. Still, at least her intellect prevents any airing of puns. Christopher Dean, however, managed to annoy with: "He was on the ball tonight." Ouch!
The Skate-off and Results
Bleakness created a new word for us all, with her pronunciation of 'hoops' which came out as "hups" (with the vowel sound as in 'foot'). The inane comments involved general irrelevance. Let's face it, T&D have not said anything worthwhile for eight fucking years. Every comment is 'nice' and avoids any conflict, edge, criticism or value; they strive to be 'nice' and achieve just that. The skate off was between Smear and Look - sounds like a firm of solicitors, eh?
They were both worthy losers, but Smear was the weaker of the two, especially with her groin strain. After Look skated, Schofield earned his exorbitant fee with the brilliant question: "Do you think you've done enough?" and I wondered why the hell he wasn't set to replace Jeremy Paxman with questioning skills so clearly at the pinnacle of investigative journalism and media presentation.
Smear retired and Luke lived to fight another day - he's a boxer, by the way, so 'fight another day' is clever, don't you think?
Next week, it's apparently 'Flying Above The Ice' rather than Dancing On Ice.
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