Since last summer, Julian Assange has been inside the London embassy of Ecuador. This is not news, because just about everyone in the country knows that he took refuge there. His need to avoid the police is total, seeing as both Sweden and the USA want him. It seems, though, that the cost of keeping an eye on him is not something that either the USA or Sweden is prepared to cover. When I say 'keeping an eye on him' you might not get a proper understanding of the cost. I would have said that the following arrangement could be appropriate for this task. Two coppers with radios watching the embassy; let's call that £60,000 per year. Three rolling shifts would mean £180k per year. However, it seems I've underestimated by some considerable margin. For the 32 weeks (to the end of January) that the shit has been holed up, the cost is estimated to be £2,900,000. That's £900,000 PER FUCKING WEEK !!! This country is absolutely mad.
David Jones
Apparently gay couples are incapable of bringing up children safely. This nob of a Cabinet Minister has clearly lost any sense of perspective, judgement or humanity. There are of course gay couples who are incapable of bringing up a child safely - outnumber at least a hundred to one by heterosexual couples who have absolutely no business having anything to do with kids, but whose sexuality and social standing apparently gives them rights to fuck up parenting completely. Sexuality has got absolutely nothing to do with capability of 'raising children safely' - whatever Mr Jones means by this. Arse.
Dolce & Gabbana
A symbol of pureness that captures the innocence of childhood. What am I talking about? Well, these are not my words, but those of the marketing twats at D&G who want to shift 50ml bottles of perfume for £28 - perfume for babies! Here's some more marketing shite: "The softness of baby skin, the freshness of baby breath, a mother's sweet hug, the first smile . . . and other tender moments have been the source of inspiration." What complete bollocks and atrocious behaviour at corporate level.
Sirens
The payout culture now rules. It seems that after a riot training exercise got out of control, a former police woman is rather better off. She claimed £500,000 but settlement was reached out-of-court, with the amount undisclosed. So, we can be pretty sure it's a six figure sum between £100,000 and £400,000. Post traumatic stress disorder after riot training? I think I'll sign up for some Fork Lift Driver training, and then claim I get panic attacks (two-pronged attacks) when I hear the beeping sound they make.
Algerian Cunt
After 18 years in the UK (illegally of course) a 53-year-old Algerian is resisting deportation. He has previously threatened to poison himself, and to set light to himself (so?) and is now wasting public money with an appeal to the High Court, claiming use of force to put him on the plane would be illegal. This is rather contradictory for someone who's threatened to kill himself, surely? Why don't the judges offer to provide a Bic lighter?
Co-operative Gays
New research has supposedly revealed that Co-op shops are among the top places for gay staff to work. It is the UK's third most gay-friendly employer, according to Stonewall (a gay rights group). Does this mean, I wonder, a new slogan?
TOWIE
A dispute has arisen over a party appearance by Chloe Sims (me neither) who was booked to appear at a girl's 13th birthday bash. It seems she left with a headache after being hit on the head and breasts by two Haribo jelly bears. There's an argument now as to whether Chloe fulfilled her contract, after she left without saying goodbye to the devastated Hannah Khan. I do not know what I find more sad, pathetic and outrageous:
a) the £3,000 fee for an appearance by a TOWIE 'star'
b) the fact that the parents made such a booking for a 13th birthday party
c) the fact that lawyers are even involved
d) that Haribo sweets are now classed under the term 'WMD'
In It To Win It
Yesterday I watched a rare victory for licence fee payers - Dale Winton managed to bore the fucking arse off millions of people for absolutely ages and then give away not a single penny of the money collected from us by the BBC to any of the contestants on 'In It To Win It'. For a change, no cunt answered a lame question at the last minute to secure a share of what is typically about £50,000 given away each week. Sadly, though, we had to endure Dale. I'd actually prefer that the BBC did indeed give £50,000 away to someone [I know, how about some sort of lucky dip or prize draw?] on receipt of a guarantee that Dale will be put back in the broom cupboard for at least a decade. I have no idea why his neck can no longer move freely - I suspect a coat hanger remains in his jacket when he is on air - and I've no theory on why he looks like a Thunderbird puppet, both in regard to his movements and to his weird make-up. As for the affected speech, stupid phraseology and general mincing, I think we could all do without Winton's wittering. He managed yesterday to pronounce Steven Gerrard's surname with stress on the second syllable, and do the same with a ludicrous enunciation of 'guru'.
TMWSC: "Please do us all a favour and disappear, Dale."
Dale W: "Would you like me to take that as your final answer?"
TMWSC: "Yes, you nob."
Dale W: "Okay, 'Disappear' is now locked in."
TMWSC: "Unlike you, sadly."
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