Christine Bleakley
Keith: "The most difficult part of the whole routine will be the performance."
Thanks, Keith, for the intro to your skate, and this profound statement. Afterwards, Gubba highlighted the "Play the guitar sequence" and the scores gave him a total of 25 points.
Jason: "It's like watching a camp Peter Stringfellow on ice, without the ponytail."
Ashley: "Keith - rock star, baby! You have fun, then we do and the audience does as well." Thanks, Ashley.
Luke
Bleakley asked him a couple of dumb questions, and one of the replies was as wooden as his skating and his personality:
Luke: "I'm just proud if I'm representing my city in the right way."
Actually, Luke, this is not a competition where the city you come from counts for fucking anything! I suspect Hull would not actually want to be judged in line with your skating. He scored 24.5 and as Jason delivered his comments there was some audience participation.
Bleakness: "Cries from the audience of rubbish." Well observed, Bleakness, although I think they were more applicable to the skating than to Jason's comments!
Ashley: "What was missing tonight was a little bit of the fun." Thanks, Ashley, but he's never had any 'fun' about him at all.
Schofield: "Do you think it's because as an Olympian, you pushed yourself this week?" You twat, Phil - can we not leave the fucking Olympics out of this? So far, we've had the Olympic connection from Luke, Christopher Dean, Bleakness and now Schofield as well.
Beth
Bleakley: "Olympic Bronze Medal winning gymnast, Beth Tweddle." Fuck off, Bleak Geek!
She scored 30.5 and Jason noted that she dipped in energy, before we had some invaluable Ashley Roberts input.
Ashley: "You were giving little moment."
To round off, Schofield gave us a piece of advice which we were not in need of.
Schofield: "No one is guaranteed a place on next week's show."
His suggestion that we might like to vote for Beth was lost on me because I was disputing in my mind his last comment, because it seems to me that there are two nobs who most definitely are guaranteed a place each week - totally against the laws of nature, physics and fairness - Schofield himself, and the awful Bleakness.
Matt
With a score of 35.5, he was clearly the best of the night for the individual skate. Gubba told us all about his "Levitation Lift", plus the "Flying Gazelle" and the "Fish Lift".
Gareth
In the clip we saw for the training during the week, Gareth fell very hard and hurt his hip. The line of the night came from his partner, Robin, who bent over him as he was in agony on the ice rink, and said: "Do you want some ice?"
Gubba: "His outfit though has been censored - it's only three shades of grey." Dire, Tony, dire!
Ashley: "Blah, blah . . . blah, blah . . that was fun; good job." Thanks, Ashley.
Gareth scored 29.5 points and maintained the rough and ready look by not shaving his neck at all, and allowing it to resemble a 'welcome' mat at the doorway to many a suburban house.
Samia
Bleakley: "Samia and Sylvain have raided the toy box - you don't want to miss this one."
I couldn't wait for the commercial break to end, to see exactly what sort of 'toys' the two of them would be using. Sadly, the two of them were back after four minutes of mindless advertising to perform 'Barbie Girl' with a routine that was crap. After some useless puppet-like moves, I actually shouted "skate!" at the TV. She then got going, and was hauled around the ice by Sylvain. Gubba's voice over told us they were "Convincing as the perfect plastic couple" and I couldn't have agreed with him more. 27 points were awarded.
Ashley: "I enjoyed myself; good job." Thanks, Ashley.
Karen: "You deserve to be in this competition." A complete lie of course.
Robin Cousins seemed to be impressed that Samia was able to pull a face and hold it, not just when skating with Sylvain but when she was skating on her own. Considering she supposedly acts for a living [let's not debate this - let's give her the benefit of the considerable doubt] then this was not much of an accomplishment, and even less so when the extent of her solo efforts amounted to about fifteen fucking seconds of movement. The hilarity was about to commence, though.
Sylvain: "I've been hard with her all week." Hmmmm . . . too much info, eh?
Jayne: "We can't skate on stiff legs."
The 'stiff' reference was all too much and giggling erupted everywhere. Mr Longchambon and his long bonbon, eh?
Team Matt v Team Beth
This pointless element of the show added little to proceedings, other than fucking up the scores, so that Luke moved from 6th place on the leader board up to 3rd place. This was because he was in Matt's team, and nothing to do with any sudden improvement in his skating, personality, Olympic standing or no claims bonus - just luck.
The Results
Travesty - Luke gets through, no doubt because of the scoring manipulation. So, Keith and Samia go into the skate-off. Keith managed to do well enough, not least in terms of actually skating.
"Should I Stay or Should I Go?" Excellent song, but you needn't have asked the question, luv. You didn't fucking skate! Longchampsgongbonbon threw you around in the air whenever he wasn't pushing you around like a Dyson vacuum.
Well done Jason, but as for the other three ???? Samia spent more time off the ice than on it. On this basis, I can carry a cuntin shopping bag back from the Co-op and the bag would go through in place of Keith! Maybe we could reenact a scene from The Plank, with Samia imitating the star of the film - and I mean the plank, of course, and not Eric Sykes, Tommy Cooper, Jimmy Edwards or Hattie Jacques.
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