"In the battle of the boards, you'll decide who is the Splash! Champion 2013."
That suggests to me that there'll be a 2014 dose of diving. Oh dear. This hour-and-a-half programme got underway at 7.00pm, and after some awful introductory comments, we heard from Gabby Logan at 7.05pm:
"The power is with you - the lines are now open!
I struggled to understand how the fuck that I, the viewer, could cast a vote for anyone without having seen any of the six dives that should have been the basis for my decision making. Still, as with everything else about this show, it was simply wrong. As wrong as the attire of one Vernon Kay. He started presenting four weeks ago, dressed in a polo shirt and tailored shorts and espadrilles.He then moved on to the less stupid long trousers and a normal shirt to go with normal shoes. Yesterday, the final seemed to have egged him on and he was in a waistcoat. The snooker tables are over on BBC2, Vernon.
The little exchange with the three judges was, as ever, laughable. Jo was inelegantly fat; I feel no awkwardness at all about referring to her weight or size, because that's all she can talk about, herself, linked to the general hobby of eating. Could someone nudge her, please; either into the pool, or towards some new material.
Leon - "After four weeks being guided by us, everyone is an expert now."
Thank's Leon, for that. However, with such a pompous and self congratulatory statement, you clearly need no thanks because you're patting yourself so hard on the back, a boiled sweet from 1985 just popped out!
Gabby - "Linda, you're the only lady in the field."
Talk about stating the obvious! [Actually, the old nag was not quite grazing in a field, more shouting -or 'Barking' - excitedly into an unnecessary microphone]. At least Gabby said "lady" rather than "girl", with which I would have had an issue.
After she stripped off, climbed to the top board, did a bit of yoga and then dived into the water, we went to the judges for their comments. We'd already been told that judges' scores were for guidance only. This was a lie, of course, because Jo Brand's scores have never been of any guidance value. In most cases, the following formula has applied in this competition: A + 1 = J where A is Andy's score (always given first) and J is Jo's score (always given immediately afterwards). It should be noted that as divers have performed much better, and there is nowhere for Jo's score to go, the difference is limited to half or nil.
Andy - "The only girl left in the competition opens the show and does it in style."
For fuck's sake, Andy, she's not a 'girl' - she's fifty-one. Can we get over this fucking one female and two males making it to the final. Considering we had in the heats Tina Malone who was awful, Helen Lederer who was so awful it was hilarious, and Jade who couldn't even swim, I reckon there was always a possibility of males doing slightly better!
Jo - "I ate a burger."
Her comment was attached to something about a horse, but the punchline of course related to eating, and fuck all to do with fucking diving. Why was she not at home with a Family Bucket from KFC?
Leon - "So easy to get disorientated; so easy to get lost."
I considered this comment and for a moment thought Leon was directing it at Jo. Maybe she was simply disorientated, got lost, and wandered into the studio where someone gave her a seat and a glass of water - on the judging panel! Then I realised he was commenting on Linda's dive and I tried to work out how one could 'get lost', considering the only way was to go down towards the water - no satnav needed for that!
After we heard the 8.5 / 9.5 scores from Andy and Jo, we knew the third score before it was given. This is because Leon works to a different formula: L = (itfocbstus) A where L is Leon's score, A is Andy's score, and the brackets contain the instruction: ignore the fat one completely because she talks utter shit.
Gabby - "She's got the full suite - a three-piece suite."
At this point, I lost the will to keep a note of the inanity leaving the mouths of those involved with Splash! Eddie the Eagle Edwards got 30/30 for his dive, and this was no surprise. Jake Canuso then managed to score 27.5 for a very good effort. Sadly I do recall the comment from Jo Brand:
Jo - "I gave up dancing when the pole broke."
A new low in television arrived with the attempted synchronised presenting; yes, Vernon and Gabby making twats of them selves to a greater level than achieved thus far.
The only real question was whether the public vote would elevate Linda Shouter to second place, but no, Jake was in second place and Eddie triumphed.
Splash! It's all over [TMWSC, in celebration]
Splash it all over [Henry Cooper, Brute advert]
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