9.12.12 X-Factor Final 2012

My first issue is the whole thing about the 'final' itself, and the split over two days.  This weekend we've had four hour (yes, four fucking hours!) of X-Factor when there are only three people left!  As for the three being in the final, how exactly does that work then?  The semi-final had four acts, and the final comprised three - BUT - (and I've done that in capitals on purpose because it's a big 'but') the final was split into two parts over two days and the real final is today, between James Arthur and Jahmene Douglas.  So yesterday's pointless exercise in kicking out Christopher Maloney was most definitely NOT the 'final'.

I had concluded that Baloney was not in fact the weakest singer a week ago, because Tulisa appeared in a hoodie to demonstrate that sadly she's not qualified to judge others on their singing ability.  It seems that when she's able to hide in a band, she can pass; alone, she failed.  Tonight I heard on the Chart Show that her single entered the charts at number 18, and her album is sitting at number 35 as I type.  So, was Baloney the worst singer yesterday?  Amazingly, the answer is again 'No'.  The worst effort of the night was provided by none other than Kylie Minogue - truly dreadful as fuck!

So, I am typing this as the programme is being shown, and we are in the first commercial break.  I've seen and heard the trailers for the two finalists, and have experienced the awful warbling from James that shows he is struggling with wind, constipation, or perhaps an STI considering his self-claimed prowess with the women.  He's taken a break from shagging to appear tonight.

Jahmene

Jahmene has just sung, and Louis [who as we all know should be sectioned] has started his comment with "Jahmene, you're in the final."  As ever, Louis, you are a revelation!  Tulisa said something pointless, and Gary did another impression of Thomas The Tank Engine.  Nicole was tearful again and lit a candle to her lamb shank, crossed herself, and snivelled back a tear or ten.

James Arthur

Well, with no personality, a voice as deadpan as hell and a dour disposition, how does he qualify as having the X-Factor?  Rylan has got more about him!  This style of singing is nauseating.  I don't think it's his need for cream that's causing the wail; for some reason he's got an in-built ability to warble and wail.  The song was mercifully short.  Tulisa confirmed that he made the song his own - just in case we were in any fucking doubt.  She also confirmed something she's already said "a million times" - that he is an artist (unlike her?).

Dermot chats with the judges because "we've got a bit of time" - no surprise considering we are getting two hours of this to get rid of one of the two acts!

One Direction bounced around and then engaged in totally pointless chat with Dermot, while we realised that the makeovers for some of the chaps are a bit odd.  After hearing the rules for entering the competition for the ninety-eighth time in the last three months, it was time for the seventeenth commercial break - and another can of beer for me.

I liked the visuals that accompanied the bird at the piano - Emeli Sande in case you've been in hibernation for two years and haven't seen her pop up everywhere, every week, to much misplaced acclaim.  Good, but not that good.  The smoke effects on the screen behind her were novel, though.  Another cuntin' break.

Jahmene - Let It Be was sung okay, although it's a shit song and I suggested out loud that really Jahmene belongs in church.  There can be no doubt that he is phenomenally talented, but the real issue is what he sings.  I really don't think that the stuff he chooses to do is appealing enough to enough people.

James - No idea what this is called, as he's mumbling and bumbling and wailing and clearly in pain.  I reckon Louis has sneaked backstage and stuck a drawing pin in his right bollock.  This is awful.  Second half is now recognisable as a real song - but not the way he's singing it!  Back to mumbling, at the two-thirds stage.  The a quick wail, and a noisier bit towards the end.  This is self indulgent.  Bring back Caroline.

Tulisa - you complacent nob - why did you let us lose Ella Henderson?  "I got you.  I get you.  I am blowing more smoke up your arse than there's room for."  Thanks for that, Tula Paulinea Contostavlos.

Caroline Flack shouted at a few people in the audience, despite carrying a microphone that ought to have allowed her to talk normally.  After another pointless contribution, we endure family members saying nice things about James.  At least we can hear what Caroline said.  Dermot asked James what he wanted to say to his family, to which he replied:  "mmmmmmmuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhh m h uuu m uh nn bb errrrrrrrrr x45 seconds"

Rihanna - Sorry, I simply don't like her.  The only nice thing I can say is that it was a whole lot better than Kylie was on last night's show.

Arthur wins, and confirms that wailing, whining and boring are the attributes of an X-Factor winner.

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