27.12.12 Peanuts Chosen By Me

The labelling on food is now all rather silly.  I give you, in evidence of this, the details contained on the reverse side of a tiny packet of peanuts obtained from Asda.  The front of the packet has little of note, other than confirmation that the nuts were chosen by me - not at random, as might be the requirement on Deal or No Deal - on purpose, because I wanted some nuts.  In case I am a thick cunt or am suffering from Alzheimer's Disease, Asda has helped me out; when I went to open the nuts, I saw the "Chosen by you" confirmation.  I was pleased to read yesterday the other note on the pack's front side - "THE PERFECT SNACK PACKED WITH CRUNCH"

The reverse side was crammed with information that helped me understand so much more than simply how many calories the nuts contained.  In fact, there was NO information on the calorie content at all!  I was amazed, because I thought that this piece of trivia was one of the main elements of the assault on us all with information.  As a result, I've had to Google the answer, and for your reference now, I've cut and pasted the following:

There are:

• approx 166 calories in 30 large dry roasted peanuts
• approx 166 calories in 60 small dry roasted peanuts
• approx 166 calories in 3 tablespoon (1 oz or 28g) of chopped dry roasted peanuts
• approx 854 calories in 1 cup (5.1 oz or 146g) of dry roasted unsalted peanuts
• approx 846 calories in 1 cup (5.1 oz or 146g) of dry roasted salted peanuts
• approx 585 calories in 3½ oz or 100g of dry roasted peanuts
• approx 164-166 calories in 1 oz or 28g of dry roasted peanuts
• approx 6 calories in 1 dry roasted peanut.

The packet of nuts is the smallest available - 50g.  Using the various tips, I have (without counting the cunting things) decided that the calorie consumption was (for the nuts were consumed well before now and any of this post mortem work) around 300.

Nutritionally, I can see the various percentages and grammes of fat, sugar, salt etc.  There are two sets of numbers.  The first relates to 100g worth of nuts, and the second to the 50g within the packet that constitutes, in the eyes of Asda, "One Serving".  So, after consuming my one serving, and checking all the numbers logged on the reverse of the packet, my nutritional benefits (or damage) equated to the following:

Energy 1232kj/297kcal, Protein 13.75g, Carbohydrate 6.85g, of which sugars 3.25g, Fat 23.1g of which saturates 3.7g, Fibre3.4g, Sodium 0.40g, equivalent as salt 1.0g

In line with the culture of the twenty first century, there is a warning on the packet, backed up with an exclamation mark!  "Please remember that small children can choke on nuts."  This was so helpful, as I'd completely forgotten that this was the case, and I made sure that they were placed temporarily in the safe, alongside the other various items that contain small parts and are not suitable for children under 36 months.  Just think, without this warning, I might have allowed kids to play with them.  I was saved from this risk by my mum, who at an early age told me - "Don't play with your food!"  As some kids are toying next door with a bunsen burner and a vat of amyl nitrate [ CH3(CH2)4ONO2 ] I will continue with the nuts story, safe in the knowledge that they won't choke, and that I am the one that carried all the risk in this house.

Away from the storage information, the bar code and the best before date, and the confirmation that these dry roasted peanuts were in fact "Peanuts coated in dry roasted seasoning", I learned something about the bag itself.  The bag was and still is made from "MIXED MATERIAL not currently recycled".  So, for the time being, nuts are bad for the environment (unless sold loose).  Going back to the best before date, I notice that as well as 26/04/2013 there are a few letters and then 18:07.  I hope this relates to a batch number during production, rather than a specific time on 26th April after which my innards will explode if I eat the peanuts.

The Allergy Advice was rather perplexing, with two bullet points as per the following:

• Contains peanuts and celery/celeriac
• May contain traces of nuts and sesame seeds

This is rather contradictory because the first point confirms that the packet contains peanuts, and that's no real surprise.  I suspect that anyone allergic to peanuts would choose something other than peanuts to buy.  As for the celery (which seems to contaminate all processed foods these days) I am ambivalent towards it.  The second point manages to introduce some serious doubt to the situation, with use of the word "may".  I seriously hope that what I've eaten DID contain traces of fucking nut because that's what I was expecting.  As for the sesame seeds, I am ambivalent towards them. 

So, I consumed my peanuts, celery, traces of nuts and sesame seeds, and a whole lot of other stuff which I will avoid listing.  I am pleased to know that during the consumption (in which no animals were harmed) I took in no artificial colours, flavours or hydrogenated fat.  I am not too sure what an artificial colour is though!  I think they mean 'colouring' because there is no such thing as an 'artificial colour' unless we're going to get all tree-huggy about what occurs in nature.  I reckon, though, that the people at Dulux will have charts that cover just about every colour, and that somewhere on the planet, every single one exists.  So, 50g fuller for having eaten some nuts (a mixture of nuts conforming to Pantone 18-1250 Bombay Brown, and a weird shade of dusty brown that looked a bit like a worn broom handle - but not artificial) I decided never to buy them again - tasted awful.

Still, as I look at the empty packet now, I can see one further piece of good news:

Packaged in a protective environment

WTF?  Does that mean there's a first-aider on standby, that the workers have padded seats, and that there's soothing background music?  There's probably a red cord for people to pull, to call the warden is a bit of dry roast gets too damp.

Yours ambivalently,
TMWSC

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