24.12.12 It Asda Be Hell

Christmas shopping in Asda is not a nice experience at this time of the year.  In the last couple of days, people having been milling around and buying shit for the sake of it.  In fact, anything worthwhile has long since been removed from shelves by desperate shoppers, so that there is now only desperation in the aisles.  Anything you may have wanted from the clothing sections is now only available in sizes 'Anorexic' or 'Fat Fuck'.  Anything that a normal sized person might want to wear has been bought.

I have been 'treated' to the signt of a woman in per pyjamas.  She was shopping in her brushed cotton pyjama bottoms and moon boots.  The pattern and the material proved conclusively these were Primark ones, and there wasn't the slightest room for doubt.  I also overheard a young mother as she moved along the central aisle, looking over her shoulder at the small kid following.  The "I'll win you" comment was a challenge that extended far beyond the youngster's ability to understand flawed grammar.  I suspect the only excuse the thick mother could have mustered, if I'd asked for an explanation, would have been that she could not have said "I'll beat you" because that is reserved for when they're all at home and playing unhappy families.

The place was strewn with pallets and trolleys used for supplies to refill shelves.  This meant an obstacle course was created for all who entered, through the 6-foot gap of a store entrance.  Things that are essential purchases are rarely reduced, things you fancy buying are not on offer, things that you don't really want or need are on offer at a level that convinces you to rethink your requirements and needs, and there's always at least one gap on the shelf for an item you particularly wanted to buy.

"You are approaching the end of the walkway.  Please step off carefully."

When I was a small boy, I remember my parents telling me to be careful when I was for the first time getting on to an escalator (in British Home Stores, I think).  I also recall the advice for getting off the escalator.  I can confirm that after having received that advice, I was aware that it was perhaps not sensible to sniff the floor within an inch of the appearing and disappearing metal at each end, nor was is advisable to bend down and listen to the contraption recycling itself.  I also realised that wearing a hippie fringe on clothing was not sensible as it might trail and get caught.  I considered that being mangled was likely to make me very slightly less attractive, and that my future mobility could be compromised.  So, for many good reasons, I have always exercised common cunting sense when using an escalator.  In Asda, there is either a complete absence of common sense among shoppers, or the management cannot trust anyone to act sensibly.  As a result, anyone within earshot (let alone those with their ear to the ground, listening to the contraption recycling itself) has to endure the above message that is itself on an eternal fucking loop.  Why do I have to be told to step off carefully?  I'm hardly going to attempt a fucking forward roll!  This mindless homage to unnecessary H&S concerns is awful, and nearly as nauseating as Tess Daly telling me to "Dial carefully" when casting a telephone vote.

Back to Asda, where the two conveyance facilities are termed 'walkways' and I suspect this is because there are no steps, as in a conventional escalator, but instead a flat metal surface that is supposed to grip the back wheels of a trolley - something it struggles to do when you join the loop to come downhill.  It takes a second or two for the grip to be secure enough to stop movement, during which time it is often possible to find you've nudged a noseless kid in front.

I am told to drink responsibly, while looking at a case of twenty cans of beer for a tenner.  I am then buying a lottery ticket whilst bearing in mind how important it is to be 'aware of gambling' via the 'Gamble Aware' mantra.  I find that I cannot escape further advice, as the tannoy blares out music until an interruption that for some reason completely failed to announce the rather necessary "Cole Aware" warning.  Without such a warning, my poor ears [for I have two of them, as I've never listened to escalators] suffered an attack by the voice of Cheryl Cole.  She came on, touting some claptrap between two covers that she referred to as 'My Story', on sale in the book aisle.  That directional tip meant a lot of thickos who wanted to buy one did not accidentally head to the turkey aisle.

Just in case anyone is in any doubt, and as an aid to anyone who might be thick, Asda has included extra advice on the labelling of its own brand water.  The blue circle contains three words in white writing (although one is a long one, and might not be understood) to help with wellbeing:

 GOOD FOR HYDRATION

Now, I know that some people have to be told not to sniff escalators, or stick their fingers into plug sockets, but surely it's madness to put this guidance on a bottle of fucking water?  Basically, water is good for making sure your body has enough water.  Per-leeese.  If I had my way, and could influence some control over the purchasing policy at Asda, I might well advocate a new product line to go on sale, as shown in the following picture.

I am convinced it would be a best seller, and it could be part of an offer whereby a can of the stuff could gain the customer two free bottles of water.

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