11.1.20 Mad Utterances

The shite that leaves people's mouths is often grammatically pathetic, sometimes hilarious, but also mind numbingly stupid.  There are so many examples these days of tautology and inappropriate use of prepositions.  Here are some examples that I have gathered together for your attention.

Scotland's defence has been dessicated - unknown

New York are great at making pizzas - Chris Moyles

TSB offers interest to all their customers - TV advert

The orchestra try to emulate - Radio 4

MI5 themself have ... - Radio 4

A very crucial question - Ore Oduba

North Yorkshire Police's taskforce are out on patrol - unknown

It was problematised - unknown

It was tempered down - unknown

Without the media being able to ask the questions itselves - Helen Lewis

It one-channelises the water - unknown [wtf?]

England's 50-year wait to be world champions may be nearer -
Gary Richardson on Radio 4, talking shite

I just hope everyone at home enjoy it as well - Emma Barton on Strictly Come Dancing

People will need to meet certain criterion - Andrea Leadsom

If you want to reduce it down - Bloke on Gardeners' Question Time

You can control natural phenomenon - Radio 4 caller using singular not plural

Prevention is the other big criteria - The same Radio 4 caller, using plural not singular

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9.1.20 Manipulative Meghan

Meghan Markle was always going to be trouble.  I said so when they got together, as did Mrs MWSC.  We watched them in their first joint interview on TV, and were certain of her being most unsuitable (forgive the pun).  The desperation to secure attention and a royal title was obvious, and the only question was - How long will it take her to fuck up Harry and the Royal Family?

Manipulative Meghan & Bewildered Buffoon

Not that long, it turns out.  She connived to secure her prize, and was the architect of the so-called problems that have arisen, and the gripes that are mentioned as reasons for unhappiness etc.  While she was destined to be a fucking pain in the arse and a disruptive influence, Harry was oblivious, or didn't give a fuck.  That complete stupidity and/or ignorance and/or disrespect for his position, privilege and standing is atrocious.  The cosseted nob needs to be let loose, if that's what he wants, but without a title and half a dozen Scotland Yard security people guarding him all the time.

Meghan Markle has performed a perfect hit and run mission, bagging her bloke (for now).  There is no doubt they will split up in the future.  This is all just a slightly more royal version of the Cheryl Tweedy & Liam Payne story.  So she's got her man, a baby, a title and the attention of the world, and now she's getting her own way.  Hoiked off to North America, willingly it seems, Harry is a sucker and a half - though I have no sympathy at all.

Yes, Bugger Off ASAP

Sadly, the media is obsessed with the pair of twats, and I am forced to sift through this shit to find some real news.   

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8.1.20 Beyonce Assault Of The Ears

How I have escaped until now I do not know, but I am thankful for the peace.  However, I have now experienced the pain that comes from listening to a 'song' on the radio by Beyonce - Run The World (Girls).  The repetition is as awful as the tuneless chanting, which in turn is as awful as the lyrics.  Basically, unless you are a moron, this will offend you.  Read and weep, and if you are suicidal, masochistic or stupid, try listening on YouTube.


Girls! We run this motha, woah, yep
Girls! We run this motha, woah, yep
Girls! We run this motha, woah, yep
Girls! We run this motha, woah, yep
Girls!
Who run the world, girls (girls)
Who run the world, girls (girls)
Who run the world, girls (girls)
Who run the world, girls (girls)
Who run this motha (woah!) Girls!
Who run this motha (woah!) Girls!
Who run this motha (woah!) Girls!
Who run this motha (woah!) Girls!
Who run the world, girls (girls)
Who run the world, girls (girls)
Who run the world, girls (girls)
Who run the world, girls (girls)
Some of them men think they freak this
Like we do
But no they don't makes your cheque
Come at they neck
Disrespect us no they won't
Boy don't even try to touch this (touch this)
Boy diz beat is crazy (crazy)
This is how they made me (made me)
Houston, Texas, baby!
Diz goes out to all my girls that's
In the club rockin the latest
Who will buy it for themselves
And get more money later
I think I need a barber
None of these niggas can fade me
I'm so good with this
I remind you I'm so hood with this
Boy I'm just playin come here baby
Hope you still like me (if you hate me)
My persuasion can build a nation
Endless power with our love we can devour
You'll do anything for me
Who run the world, girls (girls)
Who run the world, girls (girls)
Who run the world, girls (girls)
Who run the world, girls (girls)
Who run the world, girls (girls)
Who run this motha (woah!) Girls!
Who run this motha (woah!) Girls!
Who run this motha (woah!) Girls!
Who run this motha (woah!) Girls!
Who run the world, girls (girls)
Who run the world, girls (girls)
Who run the world, girls (girls)
Who run the world, girls (girls)
It's hot up in here DJ don't be
Scared to run this, run this back
I'm reppin for the girls who takin over the world
Let me raise a glass for the college grads
41 rollin to let you know what time it is, check
You can't hold me (can't hold me)
I broke my 9 to 5 and copped my cheque
This goes out to all the women
Gettin it you on yo grind
To the other men that respect what I do
Please accept my shine
Boy you know you love it how we're
Smart enough to make these millions
Strong enough to bear the children
Then get back to business
See, you betta not play me (me)
Don't come back here baby (b)
Hope you still like me (if you hate me)
My persuasion can build a nation
Endless power with our love we can devour
You'll do anything for me
Who run the world, girls (girls)
Who run the world, girls (girls)
Who run the world, girls (girls)
Who run the world, girls (girls)
Who run the world, girls (girls)
Who run this motha (woah!) Girls!
Who run this motha (woah!) Girls!
Who run this motha (woah!) Girls!
Who run this motha (woah!) Girls!
Who run the world, girls (girls)
Who run the world, girls (girls)
Who run the world, girls (girls)
Who run the world, girls (girls)
Who are we? What we brought the world
(Who run diz motha) Yeah
Who are we? What we brought the world
(Who run diz motha) Yeah
Who are we? What do we run? We run the world
(Who run diz motha) Yeah
Who are we? What we run? We run the world
Who run the world? Girls (girls)

What the cunting fuck?

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8.1.20 Absolute Cock of the Day

This evening's journey on the A19 involved some jousting with a black BMW (what else) and the dangerous shenanigans resulting from the driver's undertaking, attempts to muscle in where there was no room, speeding and tailgating.  At one point I am 8 inches away from the tosser who tried to force me back as he tried to squeeze in the fast lane having zoomed up the inside the to bumper of a car ahead.

CY10 GZA

Wanker With Wheels

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5.1.20 TV Review - 2020 Vision

I have not recently bothered with any sort of review, but the new season of shite on the terrestrial channels for 2020 has brought out some frustrations, and I cannot leg some of the matters go.  Rather, I feel obliged record my feelings on some of the pathetic offerings on the five channels.

Yesterday got underway with the usual diet of cookery programmes, as if these are ever in short supply.  Yes, we could gorge so easily on the multiple servings.

Saturday Kitchen
James Martin's Saturday Morning
John and Lisa's Christmas Kitchen (on the fucking 4th of January!)
Nadia's Family Feasts
Beautiful Baking With Juliet Sear
The Great Festive Bake Off 
Best Home Cook (with Mary Fucking Berry)
Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares USA
Extreme Chocolate Makers

I am not sure if the last one counts, but what the fuck! Yes, the overload of food shite is obvious, especially as this was just for Saturday 4th January, and is for the main channels, not the specialist ones that obsess with one thing.  Sadly, food is the obsession for some this month, who are drawn in by the bollocks that is "Veganuary".  This is giving rise to dollops of pontification, and bias that is giving me a bad stomach ache.  First, let's get the other cooking stuff out of the way:

Mary Berry's Country House Secrets *
Saturday Kitchen Best Bites
Jamie and Jimmy's Friday Night Feast (With Mary Fucking Berry)
Come Dine With Me
Couples Come Dine With Me
MasterChef: The Professionals
The Best Dishes Ever
Gino's Italian Express
Food Unwrapped: New Year Health Secrets
* I don't know if this is food related or not, but she's involved.

Then we have some other food-related offerings, because clearly the nation is obsessed with anything that can be eaten.  There is a subtle and not so subtle theme this week, where programme schedulers have opted to give us double or triple helpings of various shows.  Food is included, as evidenced by Channel 5 and its triple on Sunday 5th.

Secrets Of The Kellogg's Factory
From Coco Pops To Weetabix: Britain's Favourite Cereal
The Wonderful World Of Chocolate
Yes, that's FOUR HOURS of a food-fix, that'll prompt you to sit on your sofa and gorge on anything you can get your teeth on.  Elsewhere, there are other food-related snacks.

Lose Weight And Get Fit With Tom Kerridge
The first of six programmes in which Tom and bore us rigid.

How To Lose Weight Well
The Pritikin diet, the protein-pacing diet, and the plant-based greenprint diet.  Yawn.

Eat Well For Less?
The horrendous and ubiquitous Gregg Wallace serves us more shit, explaining to a thick family that buying cheaper food will save them money.  This week, it's the turn of James and Rianna to learn this golden nugget, and help themselves and their two kids - Tallulah-Belle and Penelope (really?)  What the fuck!

Now over to the aforementioned bollocks that is Veganuary, arguably the worst ever made-up word.  Certainly less appealing than the all-month fuckathon which is Fucktober. 

Veganville - Tue 10:35pm BBC1
Five vegans head to Merthyr Tydfil on a mission to convert meat eaters.  Hardly an Enid Blyton plot, and their tactics are more 'animal rights activist' than 'pacifist plant eater'.

Meat The Family - Wed 9:00pm Channel 4
Families care for farm animals in their homes, and then have to decide whether to eat them or not.  Great concept, Channel 4.  Who commissioned this disastrous crap?

Apocalypse Cow: How Meat Killed The Planet - Wed 10:00pm Channel 4
Yes, hot on the heels of wondering whether to eat Babe or not, we are treated to another dose of animal related foodstuff.

Some of the other double and triple helpings feature all sorts of themes.  There is of course the daily dose from ITV of quizes, and the block-booking of three hours in the schedules.

3:00 Tenable
4:00 Tipping Point
5:00 The Chase

Channel 5 likes a more macabre theme for its double on Tuesday:

10:00 Murdered On My Honeymoon
11:05 Missing Or Murdered: The Disappearance Of Lee Boxell

We already had some boring digging and exploration in yesterday's Channel 5 triple:

7:05 Digging Up Britain's Past
8:00 Tony Robinson's History Of Britain
9:00 How The Victorians Built Britain

Ov aer on ITV yesterday, things were so much worse.  After a double dose of celebrity shit
(a good name for a show, surely?) we had three hours of singing-related shite before another celebrity serving.  Overall, six hours and twenty minutes of awfulness.

5:00 The Chase Celebrity Special
6:00 Celebrity Catchphrase
7:00 The Masked Singer
8:30 The Voice
10:05 Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? Celebrity Special

The ITV Sunday schedule brings together all the aforementioned components for a line-up that is truly horrendous.  Three hours of cooking, then after the news and weather, The Voice, The Masked Singer, Tipping Point, more news and weather, then The Chase Celebrity Special, Dancing On Ice, The Masked Singer and WWTBAM Celebrity Special again.  Basically 13 hours of re-runs and shit.

Elsewhere, some of the random programmes in the TV Guide bring little delight.  Channel 5 at least resisted the temptation of calling Britain's Loudest Snorers "The Great British Snore Off".  BBC2's listing for this afternoon is mildly confusing, as I wonder if they went together:

Holiday Of My Lifetime With Len Goodman With Paralympian Baroness Tanni Grey-Thompson

Portillo is off and running (well, train catching) with the first of his fifteen editions of Great British Railway Journeys.  Yet another programme that forces use of the word "British".  Channel 5 has introduced its own option for railways, with a one-hour-and-fifty minute slog, World's Most Scenic Railway Journey: Minute By Minute.  Then, to really push the boat/train out, we have World's Most Luxurious Trains as well on Channel 5, and hour on Wednesday night.

There are a fair few holiday and home related listings, as below:
BBC2 - Get Away For Winter 
Channel 4 - Sun, Sea And Selling Houses
Channel 4 - A New Life In The Sun - Channel 4
Channel 4 - A Place In The Sun: Home Or Away
BBC1 - Escape To The Country
BBC1 - I Escaped To The Country
Channel 5 - Bargain-Loving Brits In The Sun
Channel 5 - The All-Inclusive: How Do They Do It?

I have seen the BBC2 programme The Baby Has Landed, but was totally unaware that Jonny Wilkinson had even drop-kicked it.

Wednesday night on BBC1 sees two crappy programmes; Eating With My Ex followed by My Mate's A Bad Date.  I am not even going to bother you with details of the content of either.

I am not going to bother watching Thursday night's Channel 5 programme at 11:05pm.  I'd watch Debbie Does Dallas, but somehow Eamonn & Ruth Do Monte Carlo holds no attraction at all.  Meanwhile, on Channel 4, there is some nudity in the line-up, with a triple offer:

10:00pm - Naked Attraction
11:00pm - Naked Beach
12:00 - Sun, Sea And Surgery

The last of these was mentioned gratuitously by me, as it piqued my interest.  Elsewhere, I have zero interest in the Channel 5 Secret Scotland With Susan Calman on Friday night.  The write-up confirms that she will take a "500-mile trip around the northernmost parts of Britain".  The Proclaimers spring to mind.

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2.1.20 Festive Times

As ever, I have completed by review of the TV Choice guide, regarding the excessive use of the word 'Festive', and the pages are again littered with the adjective.

This year, ITV stole the crown from Channel 4 as the most festive of the main five channels, and the word featured 103 times over the 21 days reviewed.  That's an average of 4.9, up from the previous record of 4.24.

The other thing to point out is that 76 uses of festive occurred from 14th to 25th December, and only 27 after Christmas Day.  Thus, there is a very clear decline in 'festivity' once Christmas kicked in - which is odd.

Happy New Year

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25.12.19 MasterChef ShitShow

As a starter, here are some pathetic utterances in the world of food, just to get you going.  As Bamber Gascoigne would have said, "Your starter for ten".  A programme on Food Network has provided the sustainable source for this post.

There is a few more ingredients to add - woman (Gizzi) on the Food Network channel
Boil it up - her again
So it's super super smooth, and to get it extra smooth .... -  her again
Reduce it down - a different woman (Lisa Faulkner) this time, same channel, same shite
Chop it through - Matt, joining in with the shit
I'm gonna flavour this up - Jun Tanaka on the same show

However, the focus of my attention now is the BBC main course of MasterChef.  There are different versions - Re-Match, Celebrity, Kids, etc.  But the standard version offers nourishment enough in terms of verbal bollocks.  Yes, aside from the extended coverage of apron tying (which of course can quite legitimately now be a contender for inclusion in the Olympics, such is the prevalence of the sport) and the face-pulling creepiness of Gregg Wallace, there is an inordinate amount of contentious rubbish spoken by all.

MasterChef  has recently given us so much in the way of crap.  I've sat and listened to weird activities like "frying off"  and "saucing the plate".  Thicko Gregg Wallace of course is exuberant (my gentle term to comment on his scary facial expressions and runaway mouth) and while performing on his other TV show in various factories each week, treats us to grammatical flops like "How many ingredients goes into a mince pie".  Monica Galetti is not immune from criticism, herself capable of "saucing the plate" and pointless use of the word "cookery", while all the time retaining an awareness of how flavours "cut through" something else.  Sean Pertwee whispers, purrs and fucking annoys throughout these shows, trying to be oddly seductive with his explanations and observations on the kitchen activities.  He is far from excused, as his own waffle includes so many servings of crap, such as:

It was marinaded - Sean Pertwee
While Stu roasts off his cabbage - Sean Pertwee

But, folks, the MasterShit talker on MasterChef this series has proven to be Marcus Wareing.

His relentless chatter contains numerous faux pas, and aside from his addiction to the forced use of the work "cookery" at every possible opportunity (instead of "cooking"), he cannot seem to avoid talking about how things have been executed.  This is not in reference to the wringing of a chicken's neck or the stunning and throat cutting of a larger animal (sadly not Gregg) but the fairly normal activity of cooking.  "Executing cookery" does not cunting exist!

What you want to do with the shallots is sweat them down - Marcus Wareing
To sort of mellow the curry flavour down - Marcus Wareing
I asked you to butcher down the chicken - Marcus Wareing
You don't want too much temperature - Marcus Wareing
It's been marinaded - Marcus Wareing
They've been marinading - Marcus Wareing
I like how it was sauced in the middle - Marcus Wareing
The cookery of the guinea fowl is outstanding - Marcus Wareing

There is much more in the pot, but you get the point.  Spare prepositions are sprinkled randomly into conversation, tautology is rife, and butter has to be in everything (according to Gregg).  Monica has toned down her eyebrow movements and facial expressions, passing the spare capacity to Gregg, who can scare kids at 1000 paces.  As he leers into the screen, Marcus models greasy hair and Monica toys with whether to wear her glasses or not.  It all takes far too long and I still struggle with the fact that chefs are routinely asked to do extra tasks, like cook in a famous restaurant for a famous chef whom no one knows, yet their efforts are not scored and no account of their efforts is taken in deciding who goes through to the next round.  I have nothing more to say, other than in respect of the unfortunate death of the word "dish".  It is now abused to cunting fuck, over used, and misused.  The knock on effect is that the once intriguing "Dish of the Day" term is sadly antagonistic.

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