Prelude
It seems that Cheryl Tweedy-Cole-Llandudno-Cinzano has fallen out with Mel B (Scraggy Spice). The cause of the tiff was supposedly Scraggy's vote to ditch Lauren Platt rather than Stereo Kicks. How utterly unprofessional of the double-barrelled one. Yes, Scraggy is without doubt a right pain in the arse (worse even than a silly rose tattoo) and was voting with an ulterior motive rather than honestly. But I seem to recall that both Scraggy Spice AND Cheryl Fandango-Indeedy were guilty of pathetic voting when they both decided to save Stevi Ritchie, leading to his survival for one extra week. For Cheryl Ducati-Suzuki now to throw a wobbler simply because she didn't get her own way last weekend shows her to be a right prima donna.
I refuse to call this weekend's palaver a "Semi Final" because it isn't. There are, in normal circumstances, TWO semi-finals that precede any Final, and the format for X-Factor (and a fair few other competitions) does not work this way. Just because there are four fucking contestants still left in this penultimate show, it does not make it a Semi Final - so let's agree to move on regarding the mislabelled ordeal.
Betting Odds
Ben Haenow - 77/1
The constipation must by now have created a blockage more severe than the one stopping signals reaching the brain of Louis Walsh. His strained tones are able to ruin most songs, and it is likely he will again create another couple of wailing performances. The only real nod to a softer approach is when the gravel voice softens mildly, to pea shingle. This one dimensional performer is about 77th as good as Simon claims he is. Smug Cowell clearly thinks he has a great chance of winning with Ben. Sadly he's not entirely wrong, but if an album deal is ever offered, the resultant output would have less allure than Edwina Curry in IACGMOOH.
Andrea Faustini - 16/1
Here we have a likeable chap (well, in very small doses) who has been lent to us by Italy. He wants so much to "have fun" (the pastime of all contestants and apparently the basis for which they all expect our appreciation, votes and applause) and he loves to sing. I doubt he'll be up for next year's I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, then, because only non-singers like Jake get that chance. The face-scrunching and gurning is rather off-putting, and there's certainly a bias towards ballads that means we get formulaic performances served to us. It is therefore essential to listen to him with eyes closed. Let's all hope that he doesn't win, or Scraggy Spice will never let us hear the end of it, in her northern tones that sap my energy for breathing, and threaten life itself..
Lauren Platt - 22/1
It's likely, despite the odds, that Lauren will leave the competition before the others. She has a good voice, but as far as any real presence goes, nothing at all. A nice enough teenager who has progressed well beyond a hairbrush (steady, now) and is conceivably in the peripheral vision, if the papers are to be believed, of a One Direction member [I'm not sure to whom it belongs, though - ha ha!]. Whilst I've nothing against this grounded girl, I can't help thinking that there is simply nothing about her that could be counted as the 'X' which is supposed to be the target of all the efforts over the last twenty or so weeks. Still, her mentor certainly doesn't have the X-Factor, but somehow manages to receive misplaced adulation from thick youngsters. I refer of course to one Cheryl FourFingers-Viagra.
Fleur East - 4/1
There can surely be no doubt that out of the four remaining contestants, Fleur is the best all round performer, the most polished entertainer, and the most interesting of them. That's not to say she is without limitations, as her voice most certainly does have limits that are evident when a greater range is called for on some songs. Nevertheless, it is quite reasonable that she is the favourite. Smug Cowell will fancy his chances more with her than with Ben, and will gloat like a cunt if Fleur and Ben make up the final two. I guarantee that Louis will at least once announce to her, "You can sing, you can dance, and you've got to be in the final; people at home, vote Fleur."
Advertisement Feature
I have had to endure this last week the pathetic touting of some piss in a pot, that goes by the name of Stormflower. Cheryl BluePeter-Daktari has decided that a perfume can be marketed on her behalf, to try and get extra dosh out of the gullible public. The voice-over states: "Stormflower - the debut fragrance from Cheryl". The most worrying conclusion is that if this is her 'debut' fragrance, then sure as there's wee in Tweedy, there'll be another pot of piss launched in the future.
I notice that there is no appearance of her full name, and it suits Cheryl Sudoku-Tsunami on this occasion to drop the surname that she is intent on lumbering us with on every other fucking occasion. For my money, I reckon there's already a perfume that's been around now for some considerable time, which could have had a "Y" added at the end. Even better, and more accurate, would have been the deletion of a "T" and a "D".
Saturday
My Saturday night started with Strictly Come Dancing at 7:00pm, although Dermotitis O'Dreary told me it was only just starting at 8:00pm.
Fleur
"You look incredible," said Mel B(ollocks) and I yawned.
"I'm sure a lot of people want you for Christmas, dressed like that," said Cheryl.
The truth of the matter is that she has no oomph in her voice, and thus has no real power that makes us feel she's a star.
Lauren
She managed to deliver a formulaic version of a song that did not set the world alight. Nice enough but certainly no "X" in it.
Whilst the Elf didn't like the song much, Mel said she wanted to see Lauren 'peak'. Well, suck her clit, then, you pain in the fucking arse!
"That song means so much to so many people blah blah blah," said Cheryl Gestetner-Hitachi.
Ben
"There's less of us here now," said Ben Haenow, avoiding use of "fewer" rather than the incorrect "less". Oh well, no real surprise that he cannot speak English.
The minute he started singing I decided that the song was cunting bollocks. This was horrendous shit and a travesty! Cunting crappy shitty awful nightmarish shiiiiiite! Crap!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What the cunting FUCK, Simon? How could you allow this awful mess to proceed?
"You've got the talent," said the Elf, and proved he's a completely useless twat.
"You sang it like a rock star," said Mel. Arsehole extreme!
"You are one of the nicest guys we've had on this competition," said Cheryl NoCheeseON-HerCracker. Well that's got cunting NOTHING to do with having the X factor, you moron!
TMWSC: Verdict = AWFUL shite!
As for the contribution from Nonna Rita, Dermot you twat, find someone else to speak to!
Andrea
He went out for an Italian meal during the VT, and we were enlightened regarding his homesickness, and his concern that he is "only one step from the final", yawn yawn yawn."
Stars were shining brightly, according to his singing, and I was instantly bored. Whilst Mrs MWSC seems to think he is a sweet boy who needs adopting, TMWSC thinks he's a boring fucking pain in the arse whose albums would sell only to those with no real taste in music and with money to burn. "Christ was (apparently) born" some time or other, based on the lyrics. Yawn yet again.
"That is how to sing a Christmas carol," said the Elf, along with "You have to make the final".
"If I'm being honest, I didn't like it," said Simon, "I absolutely loved it." You fucking numpty!
"I was holding back tears." said Mel. Useless git!
Dermotitis said something in Italian, and I wondered which pizza he preferred.
After round one, I am dismayed that these four managed to get to the final.
If all four of the contestants released an album now and the charge was £1 per album, I would buy none of them. This is a sad state of affairs, proving how utterly pointless the whole process is and how irrelevant the outcome is!
Lauren
She started flat as a pancake, and progressed to a waffle, before adopting a crumpet's position. The One Direction song was not worth singing in the first place, and she managed to provide a rendition that was as entertaining and acceptable as a piece of junk mail. The useless offering was sadly confirmation that however likeable she may be, she has not got any X.
"You were born to sing and you're so young," said the Elf. Twat.
"You sing on point," said Mel. Stupid arse! You've missed the point, Mel; you are a waste of space.
"It's easy to forget that everybody else is far more older than you are," said Cheryl KerplunkOr-Jumanji, displaying a complete level of stupidity and a non-grasp of the English language. TWAT!
Fleur
She proved she is the best performer without a shadow of a doubt. "Everybody vote Fleur," said the Elf.
"You killed it," said Mel.
It was certainly head and shoulders above the other three.
Andrea
"Don't let them shave your beard," said a member of his extended family, via the link to Italy. I don't think it's about the beard, somehow. The song choice was horrendous - Wrecking Ball was a dropped bollock!
"You're like the peoples diva," said Elf.
"You touch so many people," said Mel B, in some sort of homage to a serial sex offender.
Ben
Hallelujah was served to us and I decided I didn't need the first helping, let alone another portion. When will X-Factor decide to opt for some decent songs that are new and interesting, rather than the same old stuff that has been doing the rounds for years? It was over in 90 seconds, but 89 seconds too late.
"We've heard that song so many times before, but you've certainly made it your own," doled out Louis the Elf.
"Up until now you have been a rock God," said Mel, talking complete crap!
"I want to praise you for your journey," said Mel, talking complete crap!
Mel didn't like the song choice, and it was certainly a boring selection for us to devour. Ben's mumbling and crying was naf as fuck.
So that is that," said Dermot O'Nearly and he slipped into the process of relaying what numbers we need to call for placing votes - obviously irrelevant to me!
...
