29.9.13 Television Traumas

This week's TV Guide is rather annoying, right from the cover!  "I became invisible when I hit 40" is the quote that accompanies the picture of Jane Horrocks.  Sorry, luv, but I tend to disagree with you, because you're on the fucking cover, and not quite invisible enough - if that makes any sense at all!  If I hear your voice-over on another train-booking advert, I will stick my head in a blender.

Before the actual schedules, I see a small piece on Trevor McDonald, teed up with: "The veteran broadcaster on why television has a duty to shock viewers sometimes."  The only thing that's really shocking is that Trevor is still on screen and abusing the English language.  Trev, when you filmed 'Women Behind Bars', I wished you'd swapped places.

Mystery of the Week

This goes to "I Love My Country".  No, surprisingly not for why the hell is this shite on television (which is clearly a valid question with a single outcome) but why it featured Duncan Bannatyne!  Who was at the secret meeting where it was decided he is (a) popular, (b) worthy, and (c) deserving of attention?  He pops up on TV as a 'celebrity' for absolutely no good reason at all - and he is generally useless at absolutely everything.

Obsession of the Week

This goes to Channel 4 for its continued attention to "Big Fat Gypsies".  This week we have "My Big Fat Gypsy Ladies' Day" and "My Big Fat Gypsy Christening".  Channel 4 was pushed very hard by BBC2, which thought we would all like various slants on bikers, with: "The Hairy Bikers' Bakeation" [something which annoys with a non-word] "Hairy Bikers' Meals on Wheels Back on the Road" [yawn] and "The Hairy Bikers: Everyday Gourmets" [a rather generous description, I think you'll agree]

Don't Give a Shit of the Week

This must surely go to Sunday's edition of "Escape to the Country", and the blurb that states: "Three buyers with an £800,000 budget . . . . "  which I think is grounds enough to not give a shit.  Why these rich cunts can't fuck off and find a home themselves I don't know.  I suspect being on telly is attractive to some.  I blame the BBC for lazy cuntish television.  Maybe a couple with no more than a fart and a shoestring might provide a more realistic basis for finding somewhere?

Worst Programme Name or Idea of the Week

This goes without question to the pathetic Thursday morning hour devoted to shit on BBC2 - "Robert Peston Goes Shopping", a pointless repeat of a pointless programme featuring a pointless prick.

Horrendous Content of the Week

Dickinson's Real Deal provides the inanity, with the listing's confirmation as follows, for Wednesday's offering: "Items including a daguerreotype brooch and a tea caddy get the once over in Ilford."  Not TV gold. [Please note that this is not the same tea caddy as the one featured on BBC1's Antiques Roadshow on Sunday, with an entry as follows: "Items at the Royal Agricultural University near Cirencester include a tea caddy used for a budgie's ashes."]

Innuendo of the Week

Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall wins with "River Cottage Every Day" and the Wednesday hour which is apparently as follows: "Hugh tries to get a Bristol office to embrace the ultimate DIY lunchbox."

Brainwashing of the Week

This goes to the Wednesday hour-long mystery drama, "Viking River Cruises" on ITV, which features (amongst pointless flashing images designed to scare) a few minutes of something called 'Whitechapel', whatever that is.  [Note: I believe that viewers in Scotland may be saved from this trauma, as sponsorship is by Lidl, which suggests a thought process that considers shopping at Lidl to be more appropriate for Scots than a river cruise, for some reason]

Great Tediousness of the Week

Yes, there's yet another unnecessary and annoying use of the word 'great' in a television programme; this week we have on BBC1 "The Great British Year" which adds further reinforcement to the confusion for some.  I refer of course to the fact that there is no such thing as Great British but the description of something British could include the word 'great' (small 'g').

Poor Taste Title of the Week

Channel 5 scoops this with: "Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead" [7.00pm Tuesday]

Twat of the Week ( and until further notice)

There can be no disputing that Bruce Forsythe is a fucking liability who delivers inanity with no aplomb to an audience that by and large is pathetic and laps up the complete shit that would not even be well received at a party for toddlers.  It is a travesty that he is - on my screen / breathing / paid - [delete as/if applicable]

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28.9.13 Advertising Annoyances

Santander

The pointless use of celebrities has never been so well highlighted as with the awful fucking Santander adverts, which do absolutely nothing to encourage or convince me to have anything to do with Santander. In fact, the company's choice of ad campaign and celebrity input is enough to do the complete opposite.  Sorry, Jenson, but can you please 'button' it, with your wooden 'acting'.  As for Jessica Ennis, dire, dire, dire. Thank god I've not seen Rory McIlroy for a while!

McDonald's

"Take a trip to Spain" is the theme of the recent adverts, and we learn about what we can expect by way of ingredients, including 'Chorizo' which the voice-over bloke cannot even fucking pronounce properly. Chorizo is of course Spanish, and the letter 'z' is pronounced as 'th', and not 'ts'.  I am not "lovin' it".

Muller Light

Yet another fucking reference to "award winning" which is the most overused and irrelevant phrase of the twenty-first century.  "Product of the year in the healthy yoghurt category is Muller Light" is the limp blurb delivered by Dermot O'Dreary, who surely cannot need the money.  This so-called "award" proves completely that "award winning" is the most devalued term around.

Specsavers

Talking of awards, I cannot believe that there's such a thing as "Spectacle Wearer of the Year".  The "event" is hosted by none other than Gok Wan.  I suppose there's slightly more relevance to (though of course NO more interest in) such an endorsement than the pointless association he has with Activia, and the bifidus bollockus irregularis shite.

Iams

This brand was until very recently pronounced with the 'a', actually as a plural of "I am".  Now, all of a sudden, some bright cunt in marketing decides that the 'a' is dispensable, and irrelevant.  Thus, the pronunciation is like a plural of "I'm".  I'm not impressed.  Was Yul Brynner the King of Siam, or the King of Sime?

Aquafresh

Once upon a time it was the case that toothpaste was a rather simple commodity, and required no more than a word to distinguish one type of paste from another.  'Colgate' was enough to tell us it was not 'SR' or 'Ultrabrite', and that 'Macleans' was not 'Aquafresh'.  Now, though, it's essential that we get much more in the way of a description, as demonstrated by the latest ads for Aquafresh - sorry, "Aquafresh High Definition (Tingling Mint) White".  It's not a fucking television!  I think we get the message that it's going to try and help teeth look white (as opposed to cunting purple, for Christ's sake?).

Vodaphone

The latest (and so annoying) adverts featuring Yoda are arguably the worst for encouraging completely irresponsible behaviour.  The punchline/strap-line is: "Be lost in your favourite stuff on the go", and we are shown a twat wearing earphones who is inches from injury because he's not got a fucking clue what's going on around him!  How daft is Vodaphone?  Very!  Suggesting to anyone that ignorance is bliss and that moving around with no care about anything but the stuff entering ears via headphones is madness.  It won't be long before some idiot it hit by a car and sues Vodaphone because Yoda wasn't there to save him.

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28.9.13 Robbery At Morrisons

Daylight robbery!  The new design at the Morrisons store is a welcome one, allowing rather freer movement now that there's space enough for trolleys, and lower levels of obstruction (despite concerted efforts of twat-like shoppers, which sadly persist).  In the new 'Market Street' atmosphere, I was able to obtain some chillis. This was of course beyond the entrance that was cluttered with people, loiterers, items on sale and general mayhem caused by tailbacks on queues for cigarettes, lottery tickets and customer service input).  The finger chillis were on sale at £4.99 per kilo, and I put about eight or so into a small bag.

At the checkouts, half an hour later, I was annoyed to spot the checkout woman ringing up a sale for chillis at £7.99 per kilo.  I pointed this out to her, and said that the price was £4.99.  She was not to be moved, and insisted that the correct charge was £7.99.  I confirmed there was a fucking great sign saying £4,99 per kilo but she was having none of it, and said it was only eight pence.

Being more interested in eating a stir fry that contains chillis than one that does not, I decided not to kick off at this outrageous display of cunting uselessness by a checkout operator.  The "Market Street" approach by Morrisons does not really work if the fuckers at the checkout don't recognise any of the produce, whether 'fancy' or rather more basic!  The idiot was charging for chilli peppers and not finger chillis.  It was my own good fortune that the weight of the items was so low as to lead to 8p as a charge at the inflates price rather than the 5p or 6p that should have been applied.  Her advice that I could take it up with Customer Services was pathetic.  For two cunting pence I couldn't be bothered.  I was robbed of two pence in broad daylight by a thick twat on the checkouts.

Beware.

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28.9.13 Offended At People Being Offended

I have just witnessed the most pathetic example of the world being fucked up. Robbie Fowler having to make an apology on BBC during Final Score for an earlier comment.  He actually described the incident between Fernando Torres and Jan Vertonghen (which led to Torres being sent off) as not very serious at all.  He referred to their 'scuffle' as no more than an altercation between two women - in essence, the "handbags at dawn" scenario.

The fact that some cunts have bothered to contact the BBC to complain about this comment is FUCKING PATHETIC.  This is not a free country, there is no common sense at all, and the right of people to be o-fucking-fended is appallingly overdone.

Next, we'll have objections to supermarkets selling inflatable gay dolls to serve as "my gay best friend".  Oh, we've had that already, eh?

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26.9.13 Atrocious Asda

Not for the first time I am having to log my complete dissatisfaction with Asda. The local 'sham' store is not a large one, and so manages to piss off more easily than it should.  The stock lines are fucked up so that many options are not available to shoppers, and the lack of 'Smart Price' lines is atrocious.  The rip-off is thus pervasive and unacceptable.

Despite there being a shortage of choice in many areas, I found this evening that I was still able to consider (and reject) the option of buying a leg of lamb for £17.  However, there were no shoulder steaks on sale. Kids anoraks took up space, but there were no Beef Hula Hoops.  I was free, though, to purchase some cunting paint!  Offers littered the freezer cabinets, to coincide with empty shelves.  Oriental dresses at the entrance for £10 were the least urgent of my intended purchases.

Aero yoghurts that were 50p last week are now £1.38 (two for £2) and the crisps deal was confusing. £2.50 per packet or two for £5 - representing an excellent deal, don't you think?  Sadly the 'classic' multi-pack was infected with Worcester Sauce and Prawn Cocktail, bundled with the three standard flavours, so I moved on.

I was able to buy some Ginger Cream biscuits in the internationally accepted portion size of 168g.  I am of course being sarcastic.  There is no logic within the world of supermarkets other than an underlying intention to rip off consumers, hoodwink the thick (giving Asda an advantage!) and claim to be the people's champion. The DVD selection was shittier than a cow pat and nothing was under £7.

The £5 tins (well, plastic tubs these days) of chocolates were on the end of the aisle, and I checked the weights.  These are the ones that historically were 1kg tins, but which have over recent years shrunk at the same rate as the integrity of both the supermarkets and the manufacturers.

Quality Street 820g (795g without counting the wrappers)
Roses 850g (826g without the wrappers)
Celebrations 766g (750g without the wrappers)
Heroes 780g (760g without the wrappers)

I have no idea why wrappers are ever counted because I've never met anyone who eats them.  I have no idea why Quality Street and Roses weights drop by 25g/24g yet Celebrations uses just 16g of stuff, while Heroes is in the middle. Above these offerings were 650g tins of Foxes biscuits, allegedly reduced from £12 to £5.  What a fucking joke/lie/con.

I looked at the Ryvita, and saw that 200g packets of "With A Hint of Chilli" were on sale at £1.59.  I opted for the 250g Dark Rye version, and spent 50p on a packet of chillis, getting 25% more, and a fuck more chilli than just a hint!

I resisted the urge to buy awful black socks that were strategically positioned in front of the beer and lager. No doubt some cunt in marketing thinks that men buy beer and might be tempted to spontaneously buy socks if plonked in their way.  I wished the marketing bods would spontaneously combust, and moved the stupid round 'basket' that held the socks, to get to the Carlsberg.  I was fortunately able to buy some beer at only £1 more than the price in Tesco.

The shop was relatively busy, but only three cuntin' checkouts were working, and there was no twat with a stick pointing out 'Space Here'.

Am I bitter?  Yes - because before the store opened in June, there was a lovely green field.  Now it's been replaced with another green that's fucking useless, and it will no doubt pave the way for further businesses to rip up the countryside and expand the tarmac.  This 'pretend' supermarket is fucking useless, and denies shoppers the ability to complete any more than 60% of their shopping through limited choice or shelves being empty.  At least the checkout operator didn't ask me: "Did you find everything you were looking for?"  If she'd dared, I would have had to divulge my views.  She did ask me after receiving payment if I'd like to give my postcode to help with a survey and I of course declined.  I left wondering why the fuck Fairy Liquid was being sold in bottles of 1050ml, and why I hadn't gone to Morrisons.

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26.9.13 October Monthly Madness

What is it with this time of the year, and nutty ideas to give things up linked to the month.  October has been used as a basis to create the completely unnatural word "Stoptober", to encourage people to give up smoking for a month.  Excuse me, but I suspect that giving up cigarettes for a month is not quite a straightforward as instigators and advertisers might think.  Such a feat, because it happens to be October, will be made rather more difficult if people are expected to participate in the other fad that coincides with it, the suggested "Stay Sober For October".  Could we end up with ratty people ready to headbutt you for breathing, who've been deprived of alcohol and nicotine?

Roll on November; BUT, that's when people (usually men!) are expected to let their facial hair grow without restraint or removal.  Sadly there are many thousands of men who should NEVER follow this path, who are encouraged to think they might be suited to excess hair.  As a result, unsightly faces are touted for November.

As for raising money, well anyone who is not drinking or smoking can put their 'savings' into the charity box, and Im not going to be "Fucked Over In October". And NO, I will not be sponsoring anyone to avoid use of a Bic or Gillette blade in November.

How about eating excessively in June - "Balloon in June" or would it be better to "Moon in June" perhaps?

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25.9.2013 Pointless (No.439)

Pointless

Pippa Middleton

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