The nation's task was to decide on an X-Factor winner, from the remaining two acts - one of them a rather talented individual who, though disposed to giving rather formulaic renditions of popular songs, clearly has a future as a singer, and, the other act a farcical coupling that emits out-of-tune noise that has somehow managed not so much to light Cheryl's fire, but flamethrower her fucking bush! Why she seems intent on adulating the two children's entertainers presented as Reggie 'N' Bollie I simply do no know. Would the UK decide to go with the singer, Louisa Johnson. or the comedy act, and thus fuck up the last dribble of integrity that the show retains?
Lauren Murray and Rotherhithe Tunnel
This week, we have learned that Lauren Murray never wants to do another reality show, and it is a sad state of affairs that she had not come to this conclusion before she decided on entering X-Factor this year. The headline of "Lauren slams Cheryl" was interesting until I realised this was not a report on a wrestling bout; a missed opportunity for real entertainment, I'd say! I noticed, while reading this claptrap there was a link to yet more non-newsworthy stuff via the following:
Read more: Caroline Flack reveals that it’s a lot harder to be a woman on TV
Well, the solution is simple - get off the cunting telly! The same really ought to be said of Wally Murs. He is without doubt a nice guy, but that's clearly in no way a qualification to be given the job of co-hosting a show on television. Aside from the weird version of English that he speaks, I am convinced the sparring between his two brain cells is affecting his ability to say anything that an ear might be remotely interested in receiving.
Polymers - chemical compounds that are made of small molecules that are arranged in simple repeating structures to form larger molecules [simple definition]
Olly Murs - a comical compound made up of tiny molecules, who simply repeats himself, with no structure, to form the output of a mule [simple]
Last night, Cheryl Fer-fuck-sake-Tweedy was introduced by voice-over man as "flawless", which just proves how misdirected ITV is. Anyone who speaks that fucking slowly needs more than a nudge, although it does mean she gets less shit from her brain to her mouth to my ears. The other actual flaw was Olly referring to Rod Stewart as "rock royalty". Most-used word of the night was "amazing" (67), devaluing the word on all exchange markets. The latest exchange rate actually puts one "amazing" as equal to 0.72 of a "cunt".
Tonight got underway with Olly claiming there was a contestant called Louisa Johnstone. Good to see he'd done his research, even if elocution lessons are not yet booked. I suppose I am being a tad unfair, and that this little slip was just the latest in a list of 142. The recap of last night's performances reminded me why Wedgy 'N' Bollocks are the novelty act of the year. The finalists then all lined up for a communal warble 'n' wail. Downtown was served up as a warning to anyone silly enough to be considering seeing the X-Factor Tour. It was worse than the finale of any primary school play. I realised that fifteen minutes in, I'd wasted 15 minutes of my life - then it was time for a break.
J'abhor Dior
Coldplay arrived next. It probably sounded better for those in the arena. I can't say I thought it was up to much, other than slightly self indulgent. As for the participation of gorillas, WTF?
CCTV introduced Budgie 'N' Goalie, who told us they would be singing a One Direction song. So, things could get worse. The vocals were fucking dire.
As ever, it was a 'mash-up' and so after an awful 90 seconds, the noise progress to them telling us that they liked to 'move it, move it for another minute. The cheering was insane, so I suspect there are many subversive people trying to destroy the show. Time for another ad break.
Schwartzkopf Live Colour - Built-in Vibrancy Serum my arse!
Louisa told us it's a man's world again, and did so at 152 decibels for the most part. I wish she'd picked something else. Clearly better than R'N'B, of course. Simon told us she is seventeen. Rita felt the need to tell us this as well. Time for another break.
Rihanna: Anti World Tour - Well I won't be going to that! I'll be at the Anti Rihanna Event.
One Dimension were on next, to sing to their fans, predominantly 6-to-13-year-olds. It was pretty awful, and if this is supposed to be the best group in the world, then there are clearly too many 6-to-13-year-olds on the planet. A second song was for some reason required, and 'History' was ironically the choice, ahead of their break from performing. I wonder if history is what they'll be. It mainly depends on what happens regarding the disclosures on certain matters of sexuality, I reckon. Time for a break.
That man on the moon is annoying as hell; nearly as annoying as John Lewis suggesting to kids everywhere that the moon is that fucking close.
Olly welcomed us back and managed to refer to "Louisa Donson". First up with the winners single were the two lads, who proved beyond any fucking doubt that they can sing for toffee. I absolutely pissed myself through the whole cunting racket. If they were auditioning at the outset with this crap, they'd be ejected by security. COMEDY GOLD !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Lovely people without question, but is that enough to win a national competition like this?
Louisa managed to sing it without defaulting to comedy version. All rather predictable, and I certainly won't be buying it, though. Who rights these formulaic songs to be dolled out by a generic winner, and a troupe of backing singers? The song is boring tripe.
I have just discussed with Mrs MWSC who is going to win, and neither of us give a toss. I rightly blame Cheryl for so much, and she should be ejected. Another break.
Bleu de Chanel - no thanks.
Adele decided to torture me with 'Hello'. I am already fed up of this song; it is everywhere. The vote closed, and we were herded towards yet another break.
"When heavy cold or flu strikes, try Day & Night Nurse." No.
The votes, counted and verified, were in. "The winner of X-Facta two faaaarsand and fifteen is . . . . . . . . Louisa Johnson"
Tears flowed, Rita wailed like a market trader on speed, and CCTFV annoyed. The competition came to an end, and the hype that was relentless would be subsiding at last. The future of X-Factor looks grim, though. I reckon Dermot O'Leary knew something.
Banksy's Latest Effort
Sadly for us all, there is going to be a final series next year. Despite X-Factor being on its arse, and apathy reigning over voter-land, there will be one more deluded effort to squeeze the puss out of the UK's youth, and find a singer to head the boil.
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