I had the misfortune this evening to stumble upon the pointless BBC1 programme that is extravagantly and flamboyantly named, "The National Lottery: Break The Safe" hosted by Nick Knowles. I missed the beginning, but sadly had not missed enough of this twaddle. The three pairs of contestants were of course hoping to win some money - money that was donated by (or should that actually be 'extorted from') us licence fee payers. Yes, the money we contribute to the BBC is wisely spent on a ludicrously extravagant TV set, and Nick's fee for his presenting stint. I suspect that the deal includes his 'Just For Men' hair dye as well.
Nick managed a few howlers and the first I clocked was just before the dimmest of the three pairs was eliminated.
"Dionne and Sonia, I don't need to remind you you need to bring up your game if you want to stay in the game."
I kid you not; this was exactly what he said to them, and he did so with speech that slowed during delivery as he realised he was talking shite. A minute later he was working out, while we listened and watched, that Dionne and Sonia were going home. The forced interest in whether they'd had a good time was obvious, and there was simply nothing to say. So, Nick managed just:
"It feels like you haven't been with us very long."
It was long enough, Nick, and some might say far too long. He then proceeded to give another update on the countdown to the finale of this 'entertainment' and advise on the minutes and seconds to go before it was time for the winners to have a go at breaking the safe. This was equally as annoying as the time checks delivered by Davina in Million Pound Drop. When I watch a programme between 9.30pm and 10.30pm, I DO NOT NEED fucking time checks every few minutes to prove I know what I am doing and when!
So, with two pairs of contestants left, I had to listen to the crappy rules of the game, and find out from the contestants which two were going to be 'at the front' and which two would be 'at the back'. This was important because the one at the front would answer first. What I could never have envisaged was the PATHETIC means by which the switch would come about. I was fully expecting that in each pair, one would take a single step forward and the other would position himself/herself one pace to the side and behind. Even in Pointless, the pairs manage to co-ordinate themselves in this fucking fashion. However, in National Lottery: Break The Safe the contestants are not expected to take one step forwards or backwards. Instead, the BBC has spent more of my money to create a tiny moving platform for each. I watched in amazement as, to background music, two people glided forward less than one metre while their partners glided back the same distance. I can almost envisage some cunt in the set design department introducing a Stannah Stairlift for the next series.
The two pairs were each on a score of £4000 after getting their first questions right. The two firefighters then got the second one wrong. Nick helped me understand the gravity/significance of the situation with another mind-blowing piece if information.
"Let's cross over to Holly and James; you're in a position to take the lead here if you get this question right!" (Dohhh!)
With the clock at 16 minutes and 43 seconds, the next 'switch' was undertaken, and music helped us pass the time - all three seconds of it. After another couple of questions, Nick explained what a weird noise meant.
"That sound means we're 13 minutes and 45 seconds to releasing the final lock."
I took my brain out of the top of my head, removed about 26 grammes (equivalent to the weight of a Curly Wurly) and ate it with the full knowledge that I'd not need it to continue watching and understanding this shite. Holly and James left with nothing, other than a small amount of pride after Nick convinced them they were indeed proud of themselves. I wondered if therapy was the consolation prize, after losing out on the chance of many thousands of pounds. The build-up to the safe-breaking was then underway, with the two colleagues from the fire service [which is surely a stupid term because they do not serve us with fire] trying to win money - more from the licence payers subscriptions. Nick was not causing me to regret the loss of 26 grammes, and I reckoned I could lose another 26g without detriment to my understanding of the show, after I heard his next gem.
"The money's only available for one second - that's not long."
Thanks, Nick; about one fucking second, I think you'll find! I then wondered whether Nick gets this obsessed when he buys something from Ebay. Every couple of minutes, an announcement about the time left. So, Emma and Tommy were in the final, and my faith in human ability was shaken even further when Tommy was asked: "Cerulean and Duck Egg are shades of which colour?" I obviously expected "Blue" to be the next word my ears would grab from the TV speakers. No. "Yellow."
Emma was a bit better, knowing the answer to a rather easy question on a Fosbury Flop. She gave her answer but that was not enough for Nick.
Emma: "High jump"
Nick: "You're saying 'High jump?'"
Yes, you turnip - why the fuck would she have said 'High jump' if she meant 'blind cunt's buff', you nob? I'd have been more impressed with Emma is she'd replied in the same style as Nick.
Emma: "You're saying 'You're saying "High jump?"'"
After a break to get the lottery numbers (a minor diversion from what is clearly supposed to be a more important aspect of the night, despite the reason for the existence of the programme being highly questionable) we returned to find out whether they'd won the £45,000 for being able to count 30 seconds in their heads to within three seconds of the exact time. A chimp could do that, so yes, the two chimps won. Meanwhile, I lost about half an hour of my life and 26g of brain cells - more than the entire amount shared between the contestants and Nick Knowles.
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