With just a week to the start of the Premiership for 2013/14, we've had a taste of what's to come by way of the start of the other leagues in the UK, and the accompanying shite that's spouted by those in the media and within the football world. Yes, folks, it's that time of year when we all have to clean out our ears and prepare to be assaulted by pundits, managers, players and twats, and process information relayed in what is arguably the most prominent league in the world.
This season, there will be no let up in the lengths to which managers will go to dress up their frustrations with the overpaid nobs who represent towns and cities across the country. The favourite is still, of course, an expression of "disappointment". I include the variants - "disappointed", "disappointing" and "disappoint" because whether the illiteracy of the manager shines through or he purposely mixes it up with linguistic flair, it always comes down to the same tired excuses and explanations. If a reckless challenge by a cunt results in a red card, the manager will be "disappointed" with the player. If the opponents draw level in the 92nd minute, the manager will express the "disappointment" that is in the dressing room, and "the lads" will of course be harbouring their disappointment while pocketing many thousands of pounds per week.
A stud on a boot that is travelling at 60mph at head height will connect with a nose, and the manager will be disappointed. Meanwhile, I will be cunting livid that the arse wearing the boot isn't in prison for GBH.
Then of course there are the conundrums thrown up by players and managers that defy any analysis on a mathematical front. I refer of course to effort in percentage terms. Apparently some of the overpaid fuckers give 100% while others give 200%. Some are at 150%, despite being only 70% fit. Does the last figure mean the player does nothing for the last 27 minutes of the game, or that he manages to run at 21kmph instead of 30kmph? If a player is 70% fit, why does he get paid 100% of his wages? Also, if any player at all is guilty of not giving 100% then why is he not sacked or charged for his wastage? When a manager commends his players for their effort, it is an embarrassing fucking joke! It's their cunting job! They SHOULD be giving 100% and making a fucking effort for the few minutes per week that count!
Now to the main word that's the most overused one ever - "quality". Every single interview includes this word, whether the other team had more of it, or the manager's team on this occasion was short of it - via the tired expression: "we lacked a little bit of quality".
Aside from the nauseating 'quality' references, there will be no end of managers' affirmations that they'll "take the positives", which is a euphemism for "we were shit but to save face, I will waffle on about how there were a few things to salvage that were not completely awful, and that'll do me". How we let the tossers get away with this spin I do not know. In my opinion, there are generally fucking few positive to take anywhere!
Then the twats in the studio will pontificate about "strength in depth" as though this 'commodity' is the b-all and end-all of life. Twats!
Then we come to the mystical and actually mythical place where all good things live, including fairies, Santa Clause, and perhaps those who are one level up from qualifying for a place in heaven. I refer, of course, to "The Final Third". Yes, this place is a grotto where goals can magically appear, and dreams can come true. Or, a place where fuck all happens, and the manager will try to explain after the match his players "had difficulty in the final third", as though the grass has somehow been replaced by quicksand in places, and hobgoblins come out of the ground to mount surprise attacks and put off players who are trying to score a goal.
I am far from running out of things to mention, although the subject is boring, of course. We all know the following:
The lads played well. [That's so comforting, you arsehole]
They're a great bunch. [So are bananas, you nob]
It was the icing on the cake. [Not keen on icing, actually]
It's a game of two halves. [So is a peach or even a pint]
We set out our stall. [More shite]
He's not a malicious player. [This, about a cunt who almost breaks an opponent's leg]
He was quick to apologise. [As if this makes up for the above!]
He was a little bit late. [Fucking wayward and out of fucking order - a donkey on drugs]
It was a stonewall penalty. [Applied to handball appeals as well as a player imitating a stone wall]
Shearer, you thick illiterate twat. [That's my own commonly used (and warranted) phrase]
We've already had a taste of the crap, what with the other leagues all underway now, and there's nothing new on offer - just the same tired rubbish. I think there ought to be an 'alternative table' that properly shows teams who avoid all of the above at the top end, and those whose managers and players stick to the formulaic shit languishing at the bottom of the table.
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