I am now being served shit by ITV, in the form of "Stepping Out", the latest dollop of dance bollocks. How this made it to prime time Saturday television is a mystery, although clearly there was some incentive for ITV to compete with Strictly Come Dancing. Just to be clear, this IN NO WAY competes with Strictly.
Carl Froch & Rachael Cordingley
They tamely wobbled around and introduced mediocre TV to us viewers, allowing Wayne Sleep, Jason Gardiner and Mel B to comment afterwards, and bore the arse off of anyone still tuned in. 31/60
Denise Welch & Lincoln Townley
Is there anything Denise won't do, or appear on? The disco dancing was simply less exciting than watching a tea bag turn hot water brown. Her make-up reminded me of Coco the Clown - that lipstick was fucking horrendous. Comments from the 'judges'? "You are so fun and likeable," said Mel B. So off the money that she should retire to St Helena. "You have an award winning smile," said Jason to Denise. Yes, Jason, like Coco the Cuntin' Clown! Wayne Sleep - does anyone give a shit what he said? Well, he talked shit. 28/60
Lawrence & Jackie Llewlyn Bowen
Davina McCall managed to replicate her standard manner of presenting anything, whether Million Pound Drop, or a fucking advert for Garnier 'Nutrisse'. The pointless chit chat with two rather pretentious-sounding daughters was irrelevant, and we were then 'treated' to the VT intro. Street dancing was laughable, and dire. I pissed myself at the hilarious movements and screamed to Mrs MWSC to report I'd not seen anything so bad for ages. Mel - "You put your heart and soul into that routine. I was laughing at you." Jason simply provided some unwanted marriage guidance counselling. Wayne - "Vivienne Westwood would be proud of you." 26/60
Glynis Barber & Michael Brandon
I watched this Tango and wondered whether to carry on breathing or not. It was okay, but I found it non-life changing. Davina whooped afterwards, calling it "Hot" three times, so I must be wrong with my boredom. "You've been on a bit of a journey," said Davina to Michael, and so committed a mortal sin with the 'journey' word. Jason loved Glynis. Mel B spoke like a bloke. Wayne was as creepy as ever. Why is everyone trying so hard to make this stuff so important? 37/60
Baylis & Harding "Proudly Sponsors" Stepping Out,I leaned again in yet another advert break, and I wondered how pride has any relevance whatsoever. I'd have swapped pride for embarrassment, personally.
Brian McFadden & Vogue Williams
"I'm probably best known for being a member of Westlife." No, Brian, there's no 'probably' about it - that's the ONLY reason your name rings a bell. Rock 'n' Roll was the style allocated, and they did it very well even though the music was shit. Jason thought it was good, Mel B imitated Barry White with a growling comment of congratulation, and Wayne washed over me; decent scores. 42/60
Oritse Williams & AJ Azaris
The Radio Times called him Ortise, but never mind that. "You might best know me for being in the band JLS" said Oritse. Hmmm . . . have a chat with Brian McFadden, and console each other that there's no other reason for any of us to have a clue about who you are other than for being in a band. Tap dancing is hardly entertaining; I tut-tutted to myself, and managed a better sound than this pair. The song/music was shite as was this 'performance'. I swigged from my can of lager and wished I was drunk. Back to the 'dancing'. "Tonight JLS stands for Just Looks Sensational," said Davina. Jason seemed to think it was a case of 'saving the best till last' but I beg to differ. Mel B 'loved it' and Sleepy talked shit with a shit delivery. Mel B gave them both a 10. Twat. 53/60
I will not be blogging about this shit again, as I have depressed myself during the process this evening. If I never see Denise Welch again, I'll be a happy cunt. If LLB and wife Jackie think they were anything but a joke act tonight then shame on them for a lack of awareness. Overall, ITV has landed us with a waste of space, and something that is woefully short of Strictly Come Dancing. The only thing that was an improvement was no Bruce Forsythe or Tess Daly.
Overuse of the word 'amazing' was noticeable. They will all be back at 6.30pm next week - not me though.
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