3.8.13 Big Boobs and Bollocks

More Flannel From Flanagan

So, Helen Flanagan comes out with yet more complete bollocks, this time about her own boobs.  Her most recent quote?

"I have the best boobs I've ever seen on anyone in the world.  Ever.  They are amazing."

There is, however, one big problem with this outburst, aside from my contention that her boobs are in fact far from ideal.  I do appreciate that this is a rather subjective view and that some men may in fact like the look of the bulbous lumps that she leads with, and so for this reason I will move on to the much more important flaw in the whole hypothesis.  Even assuming that the boobs themselves (which of course have a higher IQ than their owner - each, mind, not combined!) are indeed wonderful, the real downfall is one of geography; they are so in the wrong fucking place.  Attached to anything else, they may be worth some attention, but where they are is more than enough to ensure they are available at far too high a price to anyone invited for a closer look.  The package includes the wondrous mutterings and strange outlook of their mistress, who sadly gets far too much attention, attention that's inversely proportional to her allure.  So, like a holiday home at the end of a runway, or a 5-Star hotel next to a sewage works, or bacon in a vegan's fridge, geography is everything.

Mobile Clothes Horses

Once upon a time it was possible to see an occasional cyclist on the road. More often this would be a male, although there was a splattering (not literally) of women and children.  [I note there was never a shortage of women and children, as they were always the first to be saved.]  A racing bicycle was the preferred model, with its streamlined design, and an athletic user would usually conform to this aesthetic and perhaps sport some lycra to aid forward motion. Then the world started to go bonkers.  Through various stages, we have arrived at a rather sorrier state of affairs - something that needs urgent attention.  Just like the 'evolution' drawings that show man's development over hundreds of thousands of years, one could depict the evolution of the cyclist.

There would be stages to highlight incremental change, each coming at the expense of any actual development but instead showing degeneration.  The rider moves from an athletic and healthy individual to a fat cunt.  The bike moves from a sleek piece of apparatus to a chunk of metal with wide handle bars.  The gear usage switches from appropriate to a permanently engaged low gear.  The road-sense diminishes, so that the wobble factor increases all the time.  Mixed with the continued loss of mental awareness and common sense, the distraction of phones and ipods, and the assumption that cyclists own the road, we are left with today's specimen, just like the chap I passed last week. Overweight, legs going round too quickly, wobbling all over the lace, handlebars and arms sticking out, travelling on a 60mph narrow road without a fucking care in the world, let alone concern that he was asking to be killed with his imitation of a fucking clothes horse on wheels taking up half the carriageway.  Still, at least he was not a complete cunt, because he did not have his mate with him riding two abreast!

Shit That Simply Shouldn't Be Allowed

1. Use of the word "emcee" instead of 'MC'.  What's worse is that we're now subjected to this crap in verb form, so people have apparently "emcee'd". Shite.
2. Kevin Bacon.
3. Existence and use of the expression "chillax".
4. Twats who refer to dates in the UK as, for example, "July third" or even worse, "July three."  The word "the" is conventional, needed and fucking well expected in this country!  As for reference to a simple fucking number, that's criminal and American.  Ordinal not cardinal!
5. Use of the phrase "locked in" by pathetic hosts who try to make the receiving of a cuntestant's answer rather more technical than it is.  This is sometimes preceded (as in the style of Dale Winton) by a ludicrous question back to the cuntestant who's just answered, asking, "Would you like me to take that as your answer?"  No, you twat, I want you to ignore what I just said and spontaneously combust!  Anyway, having received (and verified) an answer, the host often pisses about telling us that it's "locked in", most recently Davina McCall on Million Pound Drop, the show where it's actually almost impossible to win £1M, and more likely that if you win anything at all, it will be £25k or 50k. "Locked in" indeed!  Pathetic, just as pathetic as the painful and dire questions like: "What would £20,000 mean to you?" and "What would you spend the money on?"  Which of us gives a cuntin' fuck?  Certainly not me, and I rather think the host doesn't ever give half a toss either.
6. The reckless disposal of chewing gum.  Quite simply, anyone who spits out their gum in a urinal should be made to pick it back out again with their teeth and/or lips.  Anyone who spits it out anywhere else for birds to eat or people to tread on should be given Chinese Burns on both wrists daily for 60 days, for every piece of gum spat out.
7. The term "wantaway" or "want-away" should be banned from journalism indefinitely.
8. Contactless cards.

...