The judges are apparently going to 'guide us' tonight with their 'expert opinion'. Hmmmm . . not too sure that's likely, Dec. "Little Britain's Got Talent". Yawn; thanks for not a lot, Amanda.
Pre Skool
Some cunt will say "What a fantastic way to open the show" and I will cringe. These fidgets will be (apparently) cute and will talk with Welsh accents that are in vogue these days, and so come across as nice. Nevertheless, the whole act is destined to fail because it's weak, and these kids don't have talent, they just do what they're told.
TMWSC Verdict: 3/10
Walliams: "A brilliant explosion of energy. You are the best act of the night so far."
Alesha: "This is a massive, massive occasion and you haven't let it bother you - you've had fun. Loved the start to the show." [Cringe]
Amanda: "It was an amazing start to the show. [Cringe] Your mums and dads must be wetting themselves." [Another Cringe, I think]
Cowell: "Best act of the night so far. I don't want one kid now, I want twelve.
"Simon, can we come down your 'ouse for tea." No idea which fidget said that, but is was actually mildly amusing. As for 12 Cowells with shirts open to their navels, not looking forward.
Asanda Jezile
Let's just hope that we do not have to endure a Rihanna song or a Beyonce song. This girl can sing, but is a copycat. And the song is: Oh Fucking Hell - Beyonce. I will continue typing while she sings, as it provides more interest to me. Is that a onesie? "If I Were A Boy" - you'd look daft in that onesie! I suppose I do need to recognize that she can sing. Getting away from the fact that she is basically copying an adult, and that's strangely sad.
TMWSC Verdict: 8/10
Walliams: "It's not like watching an 11-year-old girl." Oh, is that more entertaining then?
Alesha: "You are not normal; you are actually a freak of nature." Yep.
Amanda: "It is just ridiculous how talented you are." Yep.
Cowell: "This was by a mile the best performance you've done so far. Forget how old you are." That's not really possible, Simon, considering her 11-year-old-ness is mentioned every eleven seconds!
She is, and no doubt will be, a successful performer. There is no way she won't become a star. I can't believe (well, I can actually) that I just knew it would be a Beyonce or Rihanna song that she chose, and I do shudder to think that both of them are providing personas that serve as role models to young girls - very sad.
Gabz
I don't fucking smoke, so my lighter's not there - let alone in the air. She is rather interesting, though, and will no doubt do well, aside from the result tonight. I do, though, like her because she's normal and talented.
TMWSC Verdict: 8.8/10
Walliams: "You rock a onesie. It's almost annoying how talented you are.
Alesha: "You have your own sound, and your own style. Fantastic."
Amanda: "You must have a publishing deal."
Cowell: "How can you write songs and within ten seconds we love them?"
Song writing will make her lots of money. Whether she sings them or others do, there's money and success waiting. The fact that she will do brilliantly whatever the result tonight means she won't win.
The Wild Card - Steve Hewlett
Steve Hewlett was not put through from the Semi Final, but he was certainly of great entertainment value. It's lovely to see a ventriloquist through, and some real variety. Really pleased for him - definite talent.
TMWSC Verdict: 9.5/10
Walliams: "You are so witty."
Alesha: "That was hysterical."
Amanda: "I couldn't be more delighted for you. What is it like to have your hand up Simon Cowell's backside?"
Cowell & Sinitta: Funny as well. This pair are odd, but certainly acknowledged the excellence of Steve Hewlett.
So very funny. What are we looking for tonight? If we are seriously looking for a Royal Variety Performance entertainer, then surely Steve is a front runner. If it's a Simon Cowell signing and money spinner, then it's a no go.
Jordan O'Keefe
He's pretty good, although I am a bit tired of singers twisting and slowing down an established song. It's not Jordan's fault, but with Sainsbury's adverts following the same approach, it's the in-thing to do now.
TMWSC Verdict: 7.2/10
Walliams: "You made us listen to the words of that song again."
Alesha: "You capture me straight away."
Amanda: "I could listen to you sing all night."
Cowell: "That was a brilliant version - very unique. Thanks, Simon, for qualifying uniqueness.
He has a great attitude, and despite my annoyance at the media flooding me with songs that have been tampered-with-to-fuck, he is definitely good. Trouble is, he bores me to fucking fuck !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry, can't help that.
Arixsandra
Another 11-year-old (but we cannot mention age) and a back story that is supposed to give us an incentive to vote for her. Another 'copycat' style is evident, and again, she can sing without any doubt - even if it is a ballad with the usual crescendo.
TMWSC Verdict: 8/10
Walliams: "It's like watching an adult. You caught the emotion."
Alesha: "You did it with ease. I feel relaxed watching you."
Amanda: "You did blow the roof off."
Cowell: "A little bit tentative and then you put the foot to the accelerator."
A deep resonance to her voice that makes her different from Asanda. Very good performance, even if I didn't want to be impressed. She looks like she's been brought up as a child protege and I've been served with what her parents wanted (expected?) her to do.
Francine Lewis
She makes me smile! Stirling performance - gorgeous.
TMWSC Verdict: 9/10
Walliams: "You should really have a spin off show."
Alesha: "Genius."
Amanda: "You are on the button for absolutely everything."
Cowell: "You've raised your game for the final. We're seeing a star emerging."
What a truly lovely woman, with talent.
Advert break included "I just can't get you out of my head" sung by a woman at slow speed, twisting a song to sell me fucking sausages from Sainsbury's. Fucking 'QED' reference my comment about Jordan.
Richard & Adam
These two are definitely talented, even if I've no personal need to hear classical/operatic music. This was a completely perfect performance
TMWSC Verdict: 9/10
Walliams: "That was a winning performance."
Alesha: "You are magical."
Amanda: "There's something utterly magical about you. The only person with egg on their face is that stupid cow." Well done, Amanda, for that comment. The bitch who did this will of course be all over the news later, and ripped to shreds.
Cowell: "Better than anything I've heard from you before."
I do not know how eggs came to be thrown! Bizarre! Weird or what?
Jack Carroll
This chap is applauded from all directions, and I just hope his rewards come not from sympathy, and from talent. The eggs joke showed his ability to improvise. I think he is benefiting from political correctness, even if no one will ever admit this.
TMWSC Verdict: 8.9/10
Walliams: "Whatever happens tonight, you are going to be a comedy superstar."
Alesha: "I love you."
Amanda: "Every single thing made me laugh."
Cowell: "You are a very naughty boy."
Funny, and likable. Naturally funny. I still struggle, though, with this act - not sure how to explain, though.
Luminites
Talented and novel. They will do well whatever happens tonight, and that's the thing about BGT. When we know that certain people/acts will 'do well' whatever the vote, it makes voting complicated. This group is VERY good but I am not too sure if winning BGT is the best outcome for the foursome. Certainly a good performance, but not actually mind-blowing. The fact that they'll do well might affect the voting, so they could manage to not win, on the basis that we all know they'll do well anyway.
TMWSC Verdict: 9.5/10
Walliams: "You have this fantastic talent."
Alesha: "You are magical."
Amanda: "You're absolutely brilliant."
Cowell: "It was simply on the money."
They are superb, and interesting, and I want the album. There are too many singers, though, on BGT, and so again, the public may (arguably should) lean towards non-singers.
Attraction
How the fuck can a Hungarian act manage to create patriotism when normally we don't give a fuck?
TMWSC Verdict: 9.5/10
Walliams: "It really was fantastically moving."
Alesha: "By far the main attraction tonight; epic."
Amanda: "You've embraced Britain."
Cowell: "To come from another country and pay respect in the way you did is fantastic."
This was very, very clever. However, I must admit that on both of the previous occasions, I was "moved" massively by the performances, and this time the 'cleverness' was not in the same league. So, do we vote based on just this performance, or on everything?
Time to finish this post and create a 'Results' one.
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