11.6.13 Field of Dreams

The voice had been nagging at the CIC [Cunts In Charge] at Asda.  It started at the beginning of last year, and the message was clear:

"If you build it, he will come."

The tantalising proposition could not be ignored, and so the planning application was submitted.  The message was shared with the local authority, and progress was slowly made.  The CIC at both Walmart and at the Redcar & Cleveland Borough Council were exposed to the very same experience - the voice that said:

"If you build it, he will come."

The Field of Dreams I am referring to was situated a mile from the sea, on the north-east coast of England.  It was, before being tampered with, a green field, minding its own business, and looking rather nice.  It was nice not because it had anything on it (except for grass) but simply because it had nothing on it.  It fitted in perfectly with the landscape, alongside a road that allowed locals to zoom along and benefit from open space, no buildings, and a clear view.

Now we have instead of a green field, a tarmac square with a large building alongside.  The "He" being referred to in the message heard by the CIC was not of course 'Shoeless Joe Jackson [nor indeed the "Is She Really Going Out With Him" Joe Jackson] who was the link in the film to the rest of the team, nor Archie Graham ('Doc') and there was no father figure involved.  The "He" was me - TMWSC.  Yes, the CIC have clearly built the new attraction so that I will come.

What are we talking about here?  Why the new ASDA of course.  Yes, on a lovely green field by the coast, away from any similar facilities, the local CIC have decided that it's appropriate for an ASDA to blot the fucking landscape. They've built it; it opened yesterday.  I resisted the urge to go there yesterday, because I knew it would be mayhem, but today, for a few specific things, I ventured the two miles to this monstrous blot on the landscape.  The magnetic draw was not of course designed for just my presence, but "they will come" was most certainly an expectation for the CIC, who were mot disappointed. Through an update from a friend, I know full well that yesterday, the bypass was fucked because of cars and people milling around and threatening life in their ambition (and haste) to buy a cunting Smart Price something-or-other, if not to fill up on fuel via the "Card Only" pumps.

Today, I found the car park almost full, and a store that was impossible to manoeuvre within unless contact with a chav was deemed essential and acceptable.  The place was heaving, as though ASDA was suddenly the new Madame Tussauds of Cleveland!  What the fucking fuck was going on, I asked myself, as I tried to negotiate my way through the throng.  This over-staffed (and under-stocked) cube was no more or less than I expected.  "Fucked before it started" as a description was in perfect alignment with my own experience of "Fucked before I started", because the contents of this cube on a green field were rather less than one might find in a proper ASDA.  That's right, there is some weird rule that dictates any premises outside of a town will be filled with slightly less of what you want than an urban ASDA.  So, the availability, for example, of the 'Smart Price' version is reduced, forcing locals to buy a dearer equivalent that's certainly no better.

There were no chilis for sale.  Apparently they'd run out, according to a fleece-attired bloke who was glad of a job, but not glad to be breathing the same air as hundreds of fucking sightseers.  How the fuck can a shop that's been open a grand total of 25 working hours be out-of-cunting-stock of chilis?  There has NOT been a run on chilis in the area.  Simply, the store did not properly prepare for opening.  As well as this faux pas, I found that the ginger (£1) was available not loose, but in a small packet, and this was so unnecessary it was a despicable waste of time.  Never has there been any better demonstration of how the supermarkets fuck up the planet by wrapping items so pointlessly!

After an awful experience, negotiating cunts in aisles who were loitering and/or blocking progress, I was so pleased to escape the 'zoo', where the inhabitants deserved nothing more than shooting - whether staff or customers.  Anyone would think that the shoppers had never seen a fucking ASDA before.

AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH !!!!

I left the store, after receiving no eye contact whatsoever from the 17-year-old on the till, and after having further established there is no good reason for a repeat visit unless it's an emergency.  Asda has fucked up a green field, I am NOT living the cunting dream, and the world is now a poorer place for having yet another patheticly stocked Asda 'up the road'.  I suppose I'd better mention Kevin Costner, just for the sake of it, even though he's away with the fairies or dancing somewhere with wolves.

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