16.6.16 Definitions

Obscenity

Something total deplorable or obscene.  For example, the amount of money (£7 million to £15 million, depending on which report you believe, but either way - too much) spent on Tamara Ecclestone's wedding.

Insanity

Loss of perspective, reality and relevance to normal life, as evidenced by Will.i.am.

Futility

The pointlessness associated with an activity, such as any attempt to access the second floor of a large supermarket where upward trajectory is compulsorily via a stupidly long fucking escalator where fuckers and their trolleys block the full width of the moving stairs, and thus any attempts to speed up the process by walking at the same time are 'futile'.

Nausea

A condition brought on by frustration, a sick feeling and the loss of any ability to control things.  This is, for example, the state commonly induced when having to endure Halifax 'singing' adverts, hearing Rihanna (or anything about her existence on this planet) or hearing the meerkat adverts.

Dimness

I simple term that is totally appropriate for simpletons, and clearly appropriate in any scenario which includes mention of Ed Miliband or Ed Balls.

Scientology

A weird and not-wonderful genre of thought, and certainly not an 'ology' worthy of study.  For comparative reasons, please be advised that any competence and usefulness on this subject is 17 notches below the level of  a 'Sociology' GCSE.

Greed

An unattractive quality that is best described as what is displayed by Tony Blair during every second he is alive.

Disloyalty

A quality that demonstrates and individual's lack of loyalty - such as Luis Suarez with regard to Liverpool FC.

Good Riddance

A term that explains why it is beneficial for all and something to be welcomed when someone or something is got rid of or simply goes.  This would apply, for example, to Luis Suarez.

Toothless

No, certainly not Luis Suarez this time.  Someone or something devoid of power or influence despite in some cases supposedly having such qualities. Examples include the UK Border Agency, Parliamentary Democracy, the Law Courts in relation to anything where Human Rights are allegedly involved, and New Labour (or Same Old Labour, depending on your age).

Comatose

A state of inactivity, such as that which can be brought on by watching either A) The Voice UK, or B) Springwatch.

Wastefulness

This is best exemplified by councils around the country where the CIC are hell bent on wasting money, having ripped off communities and decimated services - blaming the economic conditions rather than their own cuntishness and green (see above for definition).  [By the way, CIC = Cunts In Charge]

Zero Tolerance

An illusive policy (and quality) that's not readily displayed in the UK, but is much warranted and so very needed in many walks of daily life.

Untruth

Something that's used by politicians when what they mean is "outright fucking lie" or "cunting con".

Payday Loan

The term used to describe the more appropriate results of such things, and thus a euphemism for: "total ruin", "bankruptcy", "Armageddon", "crime", "suicide" and "depression".

OCD

This is a weird phenomenon involving strange rituals being practised (quite often repeatedly) when there is no need.  TBO is another three-letter-abbreviation (TLA) for this, and refers to "Three Ball Obsession".  This is the practice of asking for three tennis balls in advance of serving, when only two are needed.  The extra one is discarded once the server decides which of the three is the mankiest, so it can be discarded.  It is important not to confuse this with TWO, which is "Towel Wipe Obsession", and the main sufferer from this condition is Andy Murray.  It leads to the unnecessary request from a ball boy or ball girl for a towel with which to ineffectively and pointlessly wipe the brow - after every fucking point.

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