What was the dozy pillock thinking? The "Egg Woman" on Britain's Got Talent is apparently a talented musician with a screw loose, and has rather buggered up her chances of being taken seriously in future. Natalie Holt went to the studio equipped with her violin and half a dozen eggs in a box. The deluded woman as written comments online, explaining how she's received support from a number of artists (by the way, that excludes any performers on The Voice UK, who are of course not 'artists' despite the constant claims of the presenters that they are, through naming them as such) who are 'scared' of Simon Cowell. What a load of bollocks this who saga is. Her next comment made me laugh:
"I'm not sorry for pelting Simon Cowell with eggs. I've no desire to be famous. My actions were intended as a non-violent, egg-based protest because Cowell has too much power. I also wanted to make him look silly."
If this doesn't show her to be seven levels down from 'silly' then I apologise. As for her actions intending to be an "egg-based protest", WTF? I've heard of rice-based meals, protein-based diets, but hadn't realised protests were now in need of cunting menus!
Silly Signs
I recently saw a white van that was being driven along a motorway (M62 for what it's worth) and was surprised by the sign writing. The plain white surface was adorned on each of the sides, as well as both front and back, with two words in solid black.
I had no idea of anything in terms of which organisation owned the vehicle, nor did I have an inkling of where it was going or why. The completely nondescript vehicle was weird. The only thing I could be sure of was that I was expected to believe the driver and the van together were in some way connected with dogs. I remain mildly confused as to whether the van's purpose was for transporting dogs in the style of a taxi, or for taking them to a compound , acting as a vehicle for catching strays. I suppose there could have been some link with the Police, although normally a police vehicle would have a pathetic and stupid 'strapline' like, for example, "Helping People" or "Helping The Community", and this van had nothing of the sort. So, I've no idea at all, and cannot even dismiss that the sign writing was simply meant to act as a deterrent for would-be thieves.
A much more straightforward conclusion was achievable when I saw another van a few weeks ago, with the following written on the sides:
Global Road Runner's
As you can see, this was a perfect example of an inappropriate apostrophe, and on a par with another van fuck-up where "No Job To Small" was written.
Larger vehicles are not excluded from silly messages. Still out and about are Eddie Stobart lorries, announcing to the world via three stupid words on the side of the trailers:
Delivering Sustainable Distribution
What a complete load (not a half load!!) of bollocks. You cannot 'deliver' distribution, just as it would be silly to talk about 'distributing' deliveries. This is a perfect example of claptrap that some tosser in marketing decided sounds good. The nob in question should be allowed out into the playground at break time rather than kept back with his 1/3 pint of milk and a pad and pencil.
I recently saw a blue trailer adorned with writing in orange, so that the whole thing represented something akin to a Jaffa Cake box - the clear intention. The message in the brand colours said:
KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD
This would have been a whole lot easier to do without great big fucking distracting messages on the side of a cuntin' lorry.
DIY signs are very commonly short of a full stop. This seems to be the standard in the world of do-it-yourself and hardware shops.
Without the dot, the last letter is not then short for anything, and so the message is actually more appropriately: "Do It Why". That could well be exactly the sort of announcement that would suit many of the passers by, but that's not the point.
Finally, a couple of miles away, are two small signs on lamp posts, which serve no fucking purpose at all. I am referring to some small yellow 'AA' signs that point the way to something - in this case the message on the signs is "New Superstore". They are a bit like this one:
The New Superstore is in fact a new ASDA store, something that only the fucking dead would not be aware of considering immediately behind each lamp post is a massive fuck-off ASDA that has replaced what used to be a massive field in the countryside! Yes, you can see this cunt of a shop from a mile in all directions, and you can know it's an ASDA because of the fucking great big letters propped on the roof and on the side, high up. These rather dwarf the pathetic yellow signs that some twat has decided are helpful. Actually, the 'Antiques Fair' sign (as above) being put up would have made no real difference to the goings on in the vicinity. This is because the arses milling about in ASDA were acting as though they were indeed on a day trip or visiting a National Trust property. The monstrous development, which ruins the landscape and confirms appalling decision making at council level, is apparently in need of a couple of small signs to announce the arrival of the store. I wonder if the authorities at Heathrow Airport are planning to put a little sign at the bottom of steps to a Jumbo Jet, with the helpful pointer and the word "Plane".
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