21.6.13 Tony Blair World Domination

I read with some disgust a few days ago an article (not the first on this subject) that highlighted how Tony Blair is slowly but surely extending his links with global regimes and entities as part of master plan that must surely be on a par with that of Lex Luthor - except his was fictional.  Sadly, TB's march forward is not mythical, but his methods and tactics would seem as questionable as those with whom he strikes up business relationships.  Worth somewhere between £60 million and £80 million, he trots the globe as though a hero and a fantastic strategist; what is not clear is why so many people want to give him vast sums of money when his qualifications for providing 'advice' are hardly very good.

Aside from a rather alarming typo (where Colombia was called Columbia in the article) the Daily Mail piece was rather informative, outlining things that go on between Blair and his companies, and the following countries:

Kuwait, Qatar, Columbia, Brazil, Switzerland, USA, The Maldives, Abu Dhabi, South Korea, China, Mongolia, Philippines, Kazakhstan, Albania.

What a weird list, eh?  There are of course protestations that all is above board, that he's a UK tax payer, and that there's nothing morally or ethically or financially wrong with any of it.  Hmmmmmmmm.

I actually think it's a huge embarrassment that an ex-PM with a record to keep quiet about is touting himself around the world.

...

19.6.13 Fucking Asda

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

Fucking numpties at the Asda in Southbank.  About eight tills closed, and I was left with four working (all with queues) or the self service area with ten machines, or, as a loitering lunatic offered, "Would you like to use one of our hybrid checkouts?"  This was one of numerous fucking twats who did nothing to help customers pay and exit the store, but instead acted like a div and held a useless sign saying "Space Here" - a sign which she should have been pointing at her fucking head.  Her mate was smiling and achieving nothing more than staying alive by breathing.  Fuck knows why that is worth £6.02 per hour.

I waited in line, with just one customer ahead of me in the lane that was a self-service conveyor belt.  I did so while noting that twat-with-the-sign and her mate watched, and breathed (sadly).  Elsewhere, a fucker loitered in the cordoned-off self service area, ready to assist a couple of customers whose purchases were small enough that they could pissing bother with these machines.  I know this was her mission because "Pleased To Help" was emblazoned on the back of her fleece.  Another person similarly attired was loitering near my own lane.  I turned and saw further along, behind me, two more pointless individuals who were not serving anyone in the checkout area. So, 5 useless cunts.  If they had sat behind five of the fucking unemployed checkouts, then there would have been NO fucking people waiting with more than one person ahead of them anywhere, and in most cases, no queue at all!

Just exactly WHEN did it become necessary to direct customers on where there's a cuntin' space?  For years we ave managed quite well as shoppers to decide upon which queue to join and having a cunt with a sign does nothing at all to help.  Has the clientele at Asda become so fucking thick that customers need herding towards checkouts, while the number of manned checkouts is reduced by the CIC?  What a screwed up world.

So, I joined the 'hybrid' checkout lane, and waited impatiently while the one shopper in front of me fucked about with her goods, the till, the credit card and did just about everything bar have a wank.  Then it was my chance to try and leave the fucking zoo.  Junior was scanning, and I was packing.

The machine was a complete cunt of a fuck-up, deciding not to recognise some items, stall at various random stages, and refuse to allow further scanning when it felt like it.  This necessitated intervention from one of the useless bystanders who were hoping to be useful here and there.  The woman with the fleece came over on four fucking occasions, to scan her little barcode that said "all is okay".  This was necessary when I bought some alcohol (no great surprise) but also necessary when I wanted to obtain Sweet Potatoes (or as we discovered during the attempted scan, Potatoes Sweet).  At other time the machine simply froze, meaning intervention was necessary.  As all this was going on, my blood pressure rose, and my propensity to use the 'c' word was enhanced massively.  The stupid amount of time it took us to scan just £40 worth of shopping, £13 being a crate of lager, was criminal.  The cuntin' experience was awful, and I resented every minute of it.  If we hadn't had to cater for nine people on the night, I'd have abandoned the shopping on the conveyor belt with complete glee and a sprinkling of swearing!

I will not be revisiting this establishment - period!

[CIC = Cunts In Charge]

...

16.6.16 Definitions

Obscenity

Something total deplorable or obscene.  For example, the amount of money (£7 million to £15 million, depending on which report you believe, but either way - too much) spent on Tamara Ecclestone's wedding.

Insanity

Loss of perspective, reality and relevance to normal life, as evidenced by Will.i.am.

Futility

The pointlessness associated with an activity, such as any attempt to access the second floor of a large supermarket where upward trajectory is compulsorily via a stupidly long fucking escalator where fuckers and their trolleys block the full width of the moving stairs, and thus any attempts to speed up the process by walking at the same time are 'futile'.

Nausea

A condition brought on by frustration, a sick feeling and the loss of any ability to control things.  This is, for example, the state commonly induced when having to endure Halifax 'singing' adverts, hearing Rihanna (or anything about her existence on this planet) or hearing the meerkat adverts.

Dimness

I simple term that is totally appropriate for simpletons, and clearly appropriate in any scenario which includes mention of Ed Miliband or Ed Balls.

Scientology

A weird and not-wonderful genre of thought, and certainly not an 'ology' worthy of study.  For comparative reasons, please be advised that any competence and usefulness on this subject is 17 notches below the level of  a 'Sociology' GCSE.

Greed

An unattractive quality that is best described as what is displayed by Tony Blair during every second he is alive.

Disloyalty

A quality that demonstrates and individual's lack of loyalty - such as Luis Suarez with regard to Liverpool FC.

Good Riddance

A term that explains why it is beneficial for all and something to be welcomed when someone or something is got rid of or simply goes.  This would apply, for example, to Luis Suarez.

Toothless

No, certainly not Luis Suarez this time.  Someone or something devoid of power or influence despite in some cases supposedly having such qualities. Examples include the UK Border Agency, Parliamentary Democracy, the Law Courts in relation to anything where Human Rights are allegedly involved, and New Labour (or Same Old Labour, depending on your age).

Comatose

A state of inactivity, such as that which can be brought on by watching either A) The Voice UK, or B) Springwatch.

Wastefulness

This is best exemplified by councils around the country where the CIC are hell bent on wasting money, having ripped off communities and decimated services - blaming the economic conditions rather than their own cuntishness and green (see above for definition).  [By the way, CIC = Cunts In Charge]

Zero Tolerance

An illusive policy (and quality) that's not readily displayed in the UK, but is much warranted and so very needed in many walks of daily life.

Untruth

Something that's used by politicians when what they mean is "outright fucking lie" or "cunting con".

Payday Loan

The term used to describe the more appropriate results of such things, and thus a euphemism for: "total ruin", "bankruptcy", "Armageddon", "crime", "suicide" and "depression".

OCD

This is a weird phenomenon involving strange rituals being practised (quite often repeatedly) when there is no need.  TBO is another three-letter-abbreviation (TLA) for this, and refers to "Three Ball Obsession".  This is the practice of asking for three tennis balls in advance of serving, when only two are needed.  The extra one is discarded once the server decides which of the three is the mankiest, so it can be discarded.  It is important not to confuse this with TWO, which is "Towel Wipe Obsession", and the main sufferer from this condition is Andy Murray.  It leads to the unnecessary request from a ball boy or ball girl for a towel with which to ineffectively and pointlessly wipe the brow - after every fucking point.

...

15.6.13 TV This Weak

Last week's television (apart from The Returned / Les Revenants, and Dates, both on Channel 4) was deplorable.  Television this weak is totally unacceptable, and I'm not sure that the week ahead looks much better. Anyway, here are some observations after my perusal of last Satruday's TV Guide from the Daily Mail.

Sunday BBC1 10.00am - The Big Question

Nicky Campbell hosted, and no, the big question was not why on earth is he still presenting noisy pointless debates on TV.  The details did include, though, the news that he would be in the Pyramid Arts Centre in the cultural quarter of Warrington.  I was not aware that there was a "cultural" quarter!

Sunday ITV 11.45pm - The Unforgettable Russell Harty

This padding late at night was of course a repeat, and totally misnamed, because until seeing this programme, I'd completely forgotten about him.

Monday BBC2 10.00pm - What a Load of Buzzcocks

Unbelievably this counts as a new programme rather than a repeat despite the fact that it's a look back at 'highlights' from the comedy quiz in 2004.  This is desperate TV, not weak TV.

Wednesday BBC1 11.30am - Cowboy Trap

"A family in Wales left with a damp-ridden conservatory."  All I want to know is, either:
a) Where did they move to with it?  or,
b) Who dumped it on them?

Friday BBC2 8.30pm - Gardners' World

"Monty Don undertakes summer tasks in the vegetable garden."  There we have it, evidence of what is apparently the new seasonal calendar according to the BBC.  On Friday 14th June, it was summer.  But other fuckers on the same channel on Thursday night were engaged in "Springwatch".  So, in the BBC world, Spring ended on Thursday 13th June, and Summer started on Friday 14th.  All bollocks of course.

This coming week sees a slight let up the useless grammar used by journalists who have no idea what a collective noun is.  Last week's TV listings included:

"The team visit estuaries."  [Coast]
"The team delve into a rock pool."  [Springwatch - sadly the team didn't stay there]
"The team search for an injured woman."  [Highland Emergency]
"The team head to Windsor."  [Dickinson's Real Deal]
"A team are pushed to breaking point."  [The Removal Men]

There are fewer pogrammes this week where a reference to the team is relevant, so we've escaped some cardinal sins.  However, the shite week ahead is certainly unwelcome.  There are just a few comments I need to make.

Channel 5 4.00am Saturday Night / Sunday Morning

"Michaela Strachan enjoys a balloon ride in South Africa".  Dies she indeed! Does she ride donkeys in Blackpool and enjoy that, I wonder.

Later, at 10am on Sunday, Nicky Campbell is back in the land of culture (Warrington) for some more banter with whomever about whatever.  The guide decides to let me know that there will be "contributions from members of the audience" and I am so fucking pleased to learn about this - NOT.  At 11pm on BBC2, I see that there's a repeat of the highlights of the 2004 edition of 'Never Mind The Buzzcocks' shown last week.  WTF?

BBC2 10.05am Monday - Country Show Cook Off

What's with this shitting "Off" business?  "Jun Tanaka and Galton Blackiston set off on a culinary road trip." "We've had 'Bake Off', now 'Cook Off' and chefs are always saying "fry off" these days.  PISS OFF !!!  And no, I didn't make their names up.

Generally speaking, TV is crap at the moment.

...

15.6.13 The Skelton Skip

I thought it was high time I relayed some of the useless fucking inane drivel that leaves the mouths of twats, most of who either don't know what they are saying, or don't realise that they are anatomically equipped to say something other than a cliche (even if mentally they are thick cunts).  Then there are the fuckers who work on autopilot, displaying the symptoms of verbal diarrhoea [UK spelling].

This last trait was evident as fuck to Mrs MWSC when she and Junior went to the new local ASDA a couple of hours ago.  I refused to venture to this swamp of human confusion after my first visit proved what I'd foreseen - that the place would be the 'bricks & mortar' equivalent of a useless cunt.  It was, of course, exactly that, filled with the smaller human equivalents.  Mrs MWSC has just relayed what a trying experience it was, establishing that various items on her small list were not stocked in this roadside skip.

To be fair, one (and only one) of the items she wanted was indeed rather outlandish for this area - haggis.  Other larger ASDA stores cope with this delicacy, but not the Skelton Skip, where staff try to outdo each other with inanity.

Mrs MWSC:  "Excuse me, do you have any haggis available."
Meat Section Moron:  "Do we have any haggis?"  [Directed at an Associate Meat Moron]
Associate Meat Moron:  "No, we're out of stock."  [Directed at the Meat Section Moron]
Meat Section Moron:  "No we're out of stock."  [Directed at Mrs MWSC]
Mrs MWSC then turns away, not surprised that another item is out of stock, but then hears him go on -
Meat Section Moron:  "What's haggis?"  [Directed to Associate Meat Moron]

I cannot report how the conversation then proceeded as Mrs MWSC was keen to vacate the meat section, where there was severe danger that the minced turkey would suddenly start communicating and increasing the IQ of the establishment's staff by an average of 79.

The place was heaving, and this was NOT a result of it being Saturday, but rather the result of the store being newly opened (last Monday) and locals leaving their caves to see the establishment as though they were on a fucking trip to Lourdes.  The shop (as I have previously reported) was plonked on a lovely green field, alongside a small industrial estate where 90% of the units are vacant.  Clearly it was preferable to kill a field than to make use of a pretty much desolate area.  Now, that same desolate area is one of two routes towards the skip.  Anyone used to playing video games or watching zombie films will instantly recognise that the scene is one they've seen before, except these zombies who need shooting are shuffling and touting carrier bags.

At the checkouts, the till operator (a female whose previous 'work' experience consisted of dribbling at the thought of one day using some blunt-nosed scissors) was in a coma, but somehow able to shift things across the scanner. It's possible she was literally plugged-in.

Till Operator:  "Hiiiiiiii . . . . (listlessly delivered) . . . did you get everything you want?
Mrs MWSC:  "Actually, no I didn't."
Till Operator:  "Oooh/Aaah"  [Or some such spelling to note a weird noise being expelled from lungs]
The drippiness of the woman and pointlessness of her enquiry were noted by Mrs MWSC
Till Operator:  "Have you been here before?"
Mrs MWSC:  "Yes."
Till Operator:  "Oooh/Aaah"  [As above but amazingly with less enthusiasm - yes, that was sadly possible!]
Till Operator:  "It's busy isn't it?"
Mrs MWSC decided this needed no answer/comment, although she considered a head butt.

Upon her return, Mrs MWSC 'unloaded' the shopping - one carrier bag. Alcohol was called for.

...

14.6.13 Poetic Licence

Apologies for the repeated posting, but after reading this one from the end of 2011, I thought it worth sharing again.  Clearly you will not want to read on if you dislike the C-word . . . . in which case, why on earth did you type the word, click and view this page in the first place?

Annie shaved her fanny

With a Bic but it was blunt

While preparing for an airing

And a dick inside her cunt

She was hoping for a groping

And a finger on her clit

With a shaven little haven

It could linger on her slit.

Annie shaved her fanny

As she thought it might appeal

And be pleasing even teasing

When she sought a decent feel

So a fidget with a digit

Meant a push and easy slide

All the better feeling wetter

Now her bush was cast aside.

Annie shaved her fanny

But the razor wasn’t new

And it rather meant the lather

Didn’t pay or save her flue

From the soreness or the rawness

That would make her very red

Or the itching and the twitching

That would wake her up in bed.

Annie shaved her fanny

For a smoother place to lick

But she hurried and she’s worried

Cos she used a knackered Bic

So her craving for a shaving

Was a stunt she can’t forget

All the trouble from the stubble

Stops her cunt from getting wet.

Annie shaved her fanny

For a shot at getting laid

But was careless getting hairless

And forgot to check the blade

She was feckless even reckless

As she tugged the yellow Bic

Through the thicket of her wicket

Never plugging any nick.

Annie shaved her fanny

With a vision in her mind

It was risky for the whisky

Meant awareness had declined

So perspective was defective

As she pressed the scratchy blade

She was cruising and abusing

And obsessed in her crusade.

Annie shaved her fanny

But was gifted with a mess

As her lover would discover

When he lifted up her dress

She was yearning for the burning

To be quelled and to be free

For a ditching of the itching

And the smell of TCP.

Annie shaved her fanny

Quite believing it was cool

She was gagging for a shagging

And receiving Danny’s tool

But the fucker saw the pucker

And the swelling round her gash

Plus her delta when he felt her

Had a telling bumpy rash.

Danny looked at Annie

With dismay and some concern

As she brooded he concluded

Not to say that she should learn

She was clearly paying dearly

For her drunken little trick

So he struggled and he juggled

With his shrunken floppy prick.

Annie spread her fanny

And she willed him to invade

She was lusting for his thrusting

To be filled and not betrayed

So he entered at the centre

Of the lacerated mound

And his shunting left her grunting

With exacerbated sound.

Annie felt her fanny

Being snagged and start to smart

More affliction came with friction

Cuts were dragged and pulled apart

But she couldn’t and she wouldn’t

Be conceding her defeat

Be deflated or frustrated

By her bleeding piece of meat.

Annie’s cactus fanny

Was a grater of the skin

And it conquered Danny’s plonker

Which he later thought akin

To a totem on a scrotum

That was botched to smithereens

Missing sections of erection

He was botched within his jeans.

Annie shaved her fanny

But the Bic was rather blunt

Now she’s dabbing at the scabbing

And she’s picking at her cunt

All her sutures in the future mean

A decent full repair

No more gasping with the rasping

From the recent loss of hair.

Copyright TMWSC 2011

...

13.6.13 Problem Page Pathos

Sorry, but I am all out of pathos, and I'm amazed how the answer to this recent problem was ever deemed appropriate.  If this is the dumbed-down sort of shit that the publishers of tabloids expect to get away with, then this country is more fucked up than I ever thought possible.  On top of all manner of uselessness by the establishment, the government, institutions, quangos, bankers, companies and the Police Force, it seems that publishers cannot even manage a decent problem and answer session.

Dear Agony Aunt

I love my boyfriend very much but he tells me lots of lies.  He has betrayed my trust several times by cheating, by stealing money - and even by falsely claiming to have cancer.  I am 31 and he is 36.  We live together and have done for four months.  Everything would be fine except I cannot believe a word he says.  I have to lock away anything valuable or it disappears - I suspect the proceeds go to the porn shops or the pub.  I don't know whether to turn a blind eye or confront him.

Twat Says

There is not much to recommend your boyfriend.  No cuntin' shit, Sherlock!  He cheats, lies and steals.  He even makes you worry he is ill when it's untrue. You thick useless cunt - she said all this in her fucking letter you moron!  Sharing a life with someone like that is not a happy prospect. Doh!!! Think long and hard about whether you really want to face such a future. You fucking useless cunt.

***

The letter-writer is a complete twat for even asking for advice and the scenario is actually hilariously funny - especially the bit that says "everything would be fine except I cannot believe a word he says", and the lying aside, that means she's happy with his stealing.  Then there's the complete fuck-up with "porn shops" when the writer supposedly meant "pawn shops".  Still, with this guy's record, he's probably well into porn as well!

What a complete load of shite, and the advice provided was not just bollocks, there wasn't any at all except suggesting the woman "thinks long and hard" - what a prick, literally!  Available daily in The Sun.

...

12.6.13 Eggs and Sign Writing

Egg Throwing Violinist

What was the dozy pillock thinking?  The "Egg Woman" on Britain's Got Talent is apparently a talented musician with a screw loose, and has rather buggered up her chances of being taken seriously in future.  Natalie Holt went to the studio equipped with her violin and half a dozen eggs in a box.  The deluded woman as written comments online, explaining how she's received support from a number of artists (by the way, that excludes any performers on The Voice UK, who are of course not 'artists' despite the constant claims of the presenters that they are, through naming them as such) who are 'scared' of Simon Cowell.  What a load of bollocks this who saga is.  Her next comment made me laugh:

"I'm not sorry for pelting Simon Cowell with eggs.  I've no desire to be famous. My actions were intended as a non-violent, egg-based protest because Cowell has too much power.  I also wanted to make him look silly."

If this doesn't show her to be seven levels down from 'silly' then I apologise. As for her actions intending to be an "egg-based protest", WTF?  I've heard of rice-based meals, protein-based diets, but hadn't realised protests were now in need of cunting menus!

Silly Signs

I recently saw a white van that was being driven along a motorway (M62 for what it's worth) and was surprised by the sign writing.  The plain white surface was adorned on each of the sides, as well as both front and back, with two words in solid black.

I had no idea of anything in terms of which organisation owned the vehicle, nor did I have an inkling of where it was going or why.  The completely nondescript vehicle was weird.  The only thing I could be sure of was that I was expected to believe the driver and the van together were in some way connected with dogs. I remain mildly confused as to whether the van's purpose was for transporting dogs in the style of a taxi, or for taking them to a compound , acting as a vehicle for catching strays.  I suppose there could have been some link with the Police, although normally a police vehicle would have a pathetic and stupid 'strapline' like, for example, "Helping People" or "Helping The Community", and this van had nothing of the sort.  So, I've no idea at all, and cannot even dismiss that the sign writing was simply meant to act as a deterrent for would-be thieves.

A much more straightforward conclusion was achievable when I saw another van a few weeks ago, with the following written on the sides:

Global Road Runner's

As you can see, this was a perfect example of an inappropriate apostrophe, and on a par with another van fuck-up where "No Job To Small" was written.

Larger vehicles are not excluded from silly messages.  Still out and about are Eddie Stobart lorries, announcing to the world via three stupid words on the side of the trailers:

Delivering Sustainable Distribution

What a complete load (not a half load!!) of bollocks.  You cannot 'deliver' distribution, just as it would be silly to talk about 'distributing' deliveries.  This is a perfect example of claptrap that some tosser in marketing decided sounds good.  The nob in question should be allowed out into the playground at break time rather than kept back with his 1/3 pint of milk and a pad and pencil.

I recently saw a blue trailer adorned with writing in orange, so that the whole thing represented something akin to a Jaffa Cake box - the clear intention.  The message in the brand colours said:

KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD

This would have been a whole lot easier to do without great big fucking distracting messages on the side of a cuntin' lorry.

DIY signs are very commonly short of a full stop.  This seems to be the standard in the world of do-it-yourself and hardware shops.

Without the dot, the last letter is not then short for anything, and so the message is actually more appropriately: "Do It Why".  That could well be exactly the sort of announcement that would suit many of the passers by, but that's not the point.

Finally, a couple of miles away, are two small signs on lamp posts, which serve no fucking purpose at all.  I am referring to some small yellow 'AA' signs that point the way to something - in this case the message on the signs is "New Superstore".  They are a bit like this one:

The New Superstore is in fact a new ASDA store, something that only the fucking dead would not be aware of considering immediately behind each lamp post is a massive fuck-off ASDA that has replaced what used to be a massive field in the countryside!  Yes, you can see this cunt of a shop from a mile in all directions, and you can know it's an ASDA because of the fucking great big letters propped on the roof and on the side, high up.  These rather dwarf the pathetic yellow signs that some twat has decided are helpful.  Actually, the 'Antiques Fair' sign (as above) being put up would have made no real difference to the goings on in the vicinity.  This is because the arses milling about in ASDA were acting as though they were indeed on a day trip or visiting a National Trust property.  The monstrous development, which ruins the landscape and confirms appalling decision making at council level, is apparently in need of a couple of small signs to announce the arrival of the store.  I wonder if the authorities at Heathrow Airport are planning to put a little sign at the bottom of steps to a Jumbo Jet, with the helpful pointer and the word "Plane".

...

11.6.13 Field of Dreams

The voice had been nagging at the CIC [Cunts In Charge] at Asda.  It started at the beginning of last year, and the message was clear:

"If you build it, he will come."

The tantalising proposition could not be ignored, and so the planning application was submitted.  The message was shared with the local authority, and progress was slowly made.  The CIC at both Walmart and at the Redcar & Cleveland Borough Council were exposed to the very same experience - the voice that said:

"If you build it, he will come."

The Field of Dreams I am referring to was situated a mile from the sea, on the north-east coast of England.  It was, before being tampered with, a green field, minding its own business, and looking rather nice.  It was nice not because it had anything on it (except for grass) but simply because it had nothing on it.  It fitted in perfectly with the landscape, alongside a road that allowed locals to zoom along and benefit from open space, no buildings, and a clear view.

Now we have instead of a green field, a tarmac square with a large building alongside.  The "He" being referred to in the message heard by the CIC was not of course 'Shoeless Joe Jackson [nor indeed the "Is She Really Going Out With Him" Joe Jackson] who was the link in the film to the rest of the team, nor Archie Graham ('Doc') and there was no father figure involved.  The "He" was me - TMWSC.  Yes, the CIC have clearly built the new attraction so that I will come.

What are we talking about here?  Why the new ASDA of course.  Yes, on a lovely green field by the coast, away from any similar facilities, the local CIC have decided that it's appropriate for an ASDA to blot the fucking landscape. They've built it; it opened yesterday.  I resisted the urge to go there yesterday, because I knew it would be mayhem, but today, for a few specific things, I ventured the two miles to this monstrous blot on the landscape.  The magnetic draw was not of course designed for just my presence, but "they will come" was most certainly an expectation for the CIC, who were mot disappointed. Through an update from a friend, I know full well that yesterday, the bypass was fucked because of cars and people milling around and threatening life in their ambition (and haste) to buy a cunting Smart Price something-or-other, if not to fill up on fuel via the "Card Only" pumps.

Today, I found the car park almost full, and a store that was impossible to manoeuvre within unless contact with a chav was deemed essential and acceptable.  The place was heaving, as though ASDA was suddenly the new Madame Tussauds of Cleveland!  What the fucking fuck was going on, I asked myself, as I tried to negotiate my way through the throng.  This over-staffed (and under-stocked) cube was no more or less than I expected.  "Fucked before it started" as a description was in perfect alignment with my own experience of "Fucked before I started", because the contents of this cube on a green field were rather less than one might find in a proper ASDA.  That's right, there is some weird rule that dictates any premises outside of a town will be filled with slightly less of what you want than an urban ASDA.  So, the availability, for example, of the 'Smart Price' version is reduced, forcing locals to buy a dearer equivalent that's certainly no better.

There were no chilis for sale.  Apparently they'd run out, according to a fleece-attired bloke who was glad of a job, but not glad to be breathing the same air as hundreds of fucking sightseers.  How the fuck can a shop that's been open a grand total of 25 working hours be out-of-cunting-stock of chilis?  There has NOT been a run on chilis in the area.  Simply, the store did not properly prepare for opening.  As well as this faux pas, I found that the ginger (£1) was available not loose, but in a small packet, and this was so unnecessary it was a despicable waste of time.  Never has there been any better demonstration of how the supermarkets fuck up the planet by wrapping items so pointlessly!

After an awful experience, negotiating cunts in aisles who were loitering and/or blocking progress, I was so pleased to escape the 'zoo', where the inhabitants deserved nothing more than shooting - whether staff or customers.  Anyone would think that the shoppers had never seen a fucking ASDA before.

AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH !!!!

I left the store, after receiving no eye contact whatsoever from the 17-year-old on the till, and after having further established there is no good reason for a repeat visit unless it's an emergency.  Asda has fucked up a green field, I am NOT living the cunting dream, and the world is now a poorer place for having yet another patheticly stocked Asda 'up the road'.  I suppose I'd better mention Kevin Costner, just for the sake of it, even though he's away with the fairies or dancing somewhere with wolves.

...

10.6.13 James Caan Can

Apparently he can!  Yes, James Caan can employ family members, despite his hypocritical suggestions that parents should not help their children get jobs. This is the former dragon/judge from Dragons' Den (the one that nobody liked) who has recently been appointed a 'Tsar' for 'social mobility' by the Coalition government.  Why the fucking hell the government decided it needed to make such an appointment is a complete mystery, and why it chose to appoint this 'Tsosser' I have no idea.

When he owned Alexander Mann (a headhunting company) he employed his wife, brother-in-law, sister-in-law and his niece.  This is on top of employing his two daughters despite saying it was important for children to stand on their own feet.

Nick Clegg appointed Caan to help convince companies to employ more people from poorer backgrounds. I wonder did he mean 'as opposed to buying them from poor backgrounds', considering a documentary I saw a couple of years ago when buying a Pakistani kid seemed the order of the day, and was caught on camera.  As ever, Nick Clegg has fucked up big time in picking the wrong person for an unnecessary job.  What a twat.

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9.6.13 The Voice Sucks

I am pleased to be able to say that I have avoided all bar about ten minutes in total of The Voice, grabbed in  two or three parts during ITV advert breaks a few weeks ago.  This excellent news means I am untainted by the goings on of the four judges, as well as the pointless efforts to get me interested in various 'battles', following chair-spinning non-events.

The main thing I've gleaned from The Voice is that it was unable to recognise Alice Fredenham as a singer with an excellent voice.  I would say that the ability to recognise a good voice is actually rather a key component for The (Fucking) Voice, wouldn't you?  Admittedly she messed up a bit on the Semi Final appearance during Britain's Got Talent, but only an idiot would argue that she hasn't got a fantastic voice.

Then we get to the rubbish spouted by the judges on The Voice.  The main culprit for talking shit is, surprisingly, NOT Will.i.am.  Instead, the nobbishness has come from Danny, who seems to let his mouth run away with him.  In a recent appearance on Chatty Man, he managed the following quote:

"The Voice is like the Olympics of singing."

Yes, you're correct; that was indeed a complete load of bollocks.  What possesses him to harbour such a thought is beyond comprehension for anyone with active brain cells.  Laughable, and the only thing more stupid than this quote is his gurning during the programmes.

Meanwhile, Tom Jones just likes being Tom Jones, and offers very little by way of help, entertainment or charisma.  It seems he's not even listened to the album created by last year's winner, his own "act" (I refuse to use the term 'artist') Leanne Mitchell.  That shows a level of interest akin to my own interest in Sheep Farming in Barnet (both in the literal sense and in relation to Toyah's second single and similarly titled EP that was subsequently added to and released as the debut album).  Tom's attention probably did not extend to noting the album reaching 134th in the charts.  Selling fewer than 1000 was certainly not what one would expect of a winner of The Voice.

Will.he.won't.he is quite simply a fruit case and there's little point in highlighting this with examples of weirdness.  As for Jessie J, she is rather too full of herself these days.  I suppose considering yourself to be wonderful is not rare in the modern world of music and entertainment.  There is, though, a danger that she grates and is a bit too full on.

The Voice is apparently close to its conclusion, and I have yet to hear that Danny has managed to form a relationship with anyone from the show.  Maybe the gurning has detracted from his looks(?)

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8.6.13 Britain's Got Talent 2013 - The Result

Well, Psy was fine enough, and served us with decent (albeit rather predictable) 'pop' music, ahead of the indulgent Swift, and Sheeran, providing a mediocre effort.  Can Taylor Swift do anything else?  It sounded like the stuff she generally generates.  Attraction and Pre Skool were Taylor's favourites, and Ed Sheeran liked Jordan.  Oh well, no prizes for these two comments.

The phone lines are closed, according to Ant.  Finding out that Steve Hewlett had three days to create his act and make the Sinitta puppet was evidence of his ability, as well as talent.

The Result

Jack Carroll - in the top three
Attraction - in the top three
Richard & Adam - in the top three

3rd Place - Richard & Adam
2nd Place - Jack Carroll
1st Place - Attraction

Well, Attraction wins (based on the overall / 3 performances) and that's fine.  What is perhaps weird as fuck is that an act from Hungary manages to win Britain's Got Talent.  No criticism of Attraction, though, because the act is indeed wonderful.

...

8.6.13 Britain's Got Talent - The Final 2013

The judges are apparently going to 'guide us' tonight with their 'expert opinion'. Hmmmm . . not too sure that's likely, Dec.  "Little Britain's Got Talent". Yawn; thanks for not a lot, Amanda.


Pre Skool

Some cunt will say "What a fantastic way to open the show" and I will cringe. These fidgets will be (apparently) cute and will talk with Welsh accents that are in vogue these days, and so come across as nice.  Nevertheless, the whole act is destined to fail because it's weak, and these kids don't have talent, they just do what they're told.

TMWSC Verdict: 3/10
Walliams:  "A brilliant explosion of energy.  You are the best act of the night so far."
Alesha:  "This is a massive, massive occasion and you haven't let it bother you - you've had fun.  Loved the start to the show."  [Cringe]
Amanda:  "It was an amazing start to the show. [Cringe] Your mums and dads must be wetting themselves."  [Another Cringe, I think]
Cowell:  "Best act of the night so far.  I don't want one kid now, I want twelve.

"Simon, can we come down your 'ouse for tea."  No idea which fidget said that, but is was actually mildly amusing.  As for 12 Cowells with shirts open to their navels, not looking forward.

Asanda Jezile

Let's just hope that we do not have to endure a Rihanna song or a Beyonce song.  This girl can sing, but is a copycat.  And the song is: Oh Fucking Hell - Beyonce.  I will continue typing while she sings, as it provides more interest to me.  Is that a onesie?  "If I Were A Boy" - you'd look daft in that onesie!  I suppose I do need to recognize that she can sing.  Getting away from the fact that she is basically copying an adult, and that's strangely sad.

TMWSC Verdict: 8/10
Walliams:  "It's not like watching an 11-year-old girl."  Oh, is that more entertaining then?
Alesha:  "You are not normal; you are actually a freak of nature."  Yep.
Amanda:  "It is just ridiculous how talented you are."  Yep.
Cowell:  "This was by a mile the best performance you've done so far.  Forget how old you are."  That's not really possible, Simon, considering her 11-year-old-ness is mentioned every eleven seconds!

She is, and no doubt will be, a successful performer.  There is no way she won't become a star.  I can't believe (well, I can actually) that I just knew it would be a Beyonce or Rihanna song that she chose, and I do shudder to think that both of them are providing personas that serve as role models to young girls - very sad.

Gabz

I don't fucking smoke, so my lighter's not there - let alone in the air.  She is rather interesting, though, and will no doubt do well, aside from the result tonight.  I do, though, like her because she's normal and talented.

TMWSC Verdict: 8.8/10
Walliams:  "You rock a onesie.  It's almost annoying how talented you are.
Alesha:  "You have your own sound, and your own style.  Fantastic."
Amanda:  "You must have a publishing deal."
Cowell:  "How can you write songs and within ten seconds we love them?"

Song writing will make her lots of money.  Whether she sings them or others do, there's money and success waiting.  The fact that she will do brilliantly whatever the result tonight means she won't win.

The Wild Card - Steve Hewlett

Steve Hewlett was not put through from the Semi Final, but he was certainly of great entertainment value.  It's lovely to see a ventriloquist through, and some real variety.  Really pleased for him - definite talent.

TMWSC Verdict: 9.5/10
Walliams:  "You are so witty."
Alesha:  "That was hysterical."
Amanda:  "I couldn't be more delighted for you.  What is it like to have your hand up Simon Cowell's backside?"
Cowell & Sinitta:  Funny as well.  This pair are odd, but certainly acknowledged the excellence of Steve Hewlett.

So very funny.  What are we looking for tonight?  If we are seriously looking for a Royal Variety Performance entertainer, then surely Steve is a front runner.  If it's a Simon Cowell signing and money spinner, then it's a no go.

Jordan O'Keefe

He's pretty good, although I am a bit tired of singers twisting and slowing down an established song.  It's not Jordan's fault, but with Sainsbury's adverts following the same approach, it's the in-thing to do now.

TMWSC Verdict: 7.2/10
Walliams:  "You made us listen to the words of that song again."
Alesha:  "You capture me straight away."
Amanda:  "I could listen to you sing all night."
Cowell:  "That was a brilliant version - very unique.  Thanks, Simon, for qualifying uniqueness.

He has a great attitude, and despite my annoyance at the media flooding me with songs that have been tampered-with-to-fuck, he is definitely good.  Trouble is, he bores me to fucking fuck !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Sorry, can't help that.

Arixsandra

Another 11-year-old (but we cannot mention age) and a back story that is supposed to give us an incentive to vote for her.  Another 'copycat' style is evident, and again, she can sing without any doubt - even if it is a ballad with the usual crescendo.

TMWSC Verdict: 8/10
Walliams:  "It's like watching an adult.  You caught the emotion."
Alesha:  "You did it with ease.  I feel relaxed watching you."
Amanda:  "You did blow the roof off."
Cowell:  "A little bit tentative and then you put the foot to the accelerator."

A deep resonance to her voice that makes her different from Asanda.  Very good performance, even if I didn't want to be impressed.  She looks like she's been brought up as a child protege and I've been served with what her parents wanted (expected?) her to do.

Francine Lewis

She makes me smile!  Stirling performance - gorgeous.

TMWSC Verdict: 9/10
Walliams:  "You should really have a spin off show."
Alesha:  "Genius."
Amanda:  "You are on the button for absolutely everything."
Cowell:  "You've raised your game for the final.  We're seeing a star emerging."

What a truly lovely woman, with talent.

Advert break included "I just can't get you out of my head" sung by a woman at slow speed, twisting a song to sell me fucking sausages from Sainsbury's.  Fucking 'QED' reference my comment about Jordan. 

Richard & Adam

These two are definitely talented, even if I've no personal need to hear classical/operatic music.  This was a completely perfect performance

TMWSC Verdict: 9/10
Walliams:  "That was a winning performance."
Alesha:  "You are magical."
Amanda:  "There's something utterly magical about you. The only person with egg on their face is that stupid cow."  Well done, Amanda, for that comment. The bitch who did this will of course be all over the news later, and ripped to shreds.
Cowell:  "Better than anything I've heard from you before."

I do not know how eggs came to be thrown!  Bizarre!  Weird or what?

Jack Carroll

This chap is applauded from all directions, and I just hope his rewards come not from sympathy, and from talent.  The eggs joke showed his ability to improvise.  I think he is benefiting from political correctness, even if no one will ever admit this.

TMWSC Verdict: 8.9/10
Walliams:  "Whatever happens tonight, you are going to be a comedy superstar."
Alesha:  "I love you."
Amanda:  "Every single thing made me laugh."
Cowell:  "You are a very naughty boy."

Funny, and likable.  Naturally funny.  I still struggle, though, with this act - not sure how to explain, though.

Luminites

Talented and novel.  They will do well whatever happens tonight, and that's the thing about BGT.  When we know that certain people/acts will 'do well' whatever the vote, it makes voting complicated.  This group is VERY good but I am not too sure if winning BGT is the best outcome for the foursome.  Certainly a good performance, but not actually mind-blowing.  The fact that they'll do well might affect the voting, so they could manage to not win, on the basis that we all know they'll do well anyway.

TMWSC Verdict: 9.5/10
Walliams:  "You have this fantastic talent."
Alesha:  "You are magical."
Amanda:  "You're absolutely brilliant."
Cowell:  "It was simply on the money."

They are superb, and interesting, and I want the album.  There are too many singers, though, on BGT, and so again, the public may (arguably should) lean towards non-singers.

Attraction

How the fuck can a Hungarian act manage to create patriotism when normally we don't give a fuck?

TMWSC Verdict: 9.5/10
Walliams:  "It really was fantastically moving."
Alesha:  "By far the main attraction tonight; epic."
Amanda:  "You've embraced Britain."
Cowell:  "To come from another country and pay respect in the way you did is fantastic."

This was very, very clever.  However, I must admit that on both of the previous occasions, I was "moved" massively by the performances, and this time the 'cleverness' was not in the same league.  So, do we vote based on just this performance, or on everything?

Time to finish this post and create a 'Results' one.

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8.6.13 Britain's Got Talent Final 2013: Get Ready!

Introduction

At last it's the final of BGT, and we will see eleven acts tonight, vying for top spot.  I suppose I may as well kick off with registering my amazement that the winner may very well be the Hungarian act - presenting a dollop of irony that could for many overshadow (see what I did there?) the competition.  Britain has long since lost control of its borders, its policies on immigration and its ability to organise a piss-up in any brewery, so having the favourite to win arriving by plane from Hungary seems totally compatible with everything about Britain.

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely loved the two performances from Attraction, and they would be worthy winners.  However, they should not be in the competition because they have no affiliation with the country; they are not British, but more importantly, in these mobile times, they don't reside here either.  On that basis, the whole idea of them winning is mad, and whatever Cowell does to try and boost their chances with his endorsement, Attraction should not actually be in this competition.  This is a view I expressed in April 2012, in a post on this blog when Hungarians also featured.  I've also learned that Attraction flopped in the Hungarian version of the programme, and the same happened when they appeared on Germany's Got Talent.  This touting around Europe makes national boundaries and national competitions pointless. If the show sees Attraction pronounced the winner, then in simple terms this will demonstrate that "Britain's Not Got Talent".

Still, they seem like the loveliest people and they do indeed have a unique talent.  Plus - they don't fucking sing.  There are far too many singers as usual, and even the excellent ones are largely boring.  I want to see something different, so that's why Attraction, Jack Carol and Francine Lewis are all of interest.

There will be nine commercial breaks, apparently of different length.  I know this because Ant & Dec sometimes announce that it's time for a "quick break" as opposed to a normal one.  There will also be the shit was of time listening to the details of the competition, some pointless recapping, and inane questions at various points, allowing the four judges to serve up some cliches, useless observations, more cliches and tell us how much fucking fun they've had.  We will no doubt also get some made-up words and claptrap from the four nobs with nobs, and the kids who should be in fucking bed will annoy the fuck out of me.

Well, I am Syco'd up, ready for the pain and the pleasure.

...

8.6.13 Liquid At Morrisons

I went shopping today, and whilst it was not a full-scale exercise, and a 'big shop' I nevertheless spent £136 and and not best pleased with Morrisons.  For some strange reason, this visit led to a rather high level of liquid being purchased - in fact a total of over 61 litres.  This ludicrous level of liquid did not include the first item that I'd intended to buy - Summer Fruits High Juice.  I wanted two one-litre bottles of this cordial, but was denied the opportunity of purchasing it.  Why could this massive supermarket not meet my needs? Because the CIC have decided that NAS is the only version now available. This N(F)AS version tastes like shit and I do not want this stuff, but the proper drink that hasn't been tampered with and then presented back to me as though no one had 'added' something.  No Fucking Added Sugar is not a proper representation of the product.  SFR is the correct abbreviation for this product. Sugar Fucking Removed.  The shelf was devoid of anything but SFR bottles.

The various liquids that made up the total were as follows; I have included the price per litre next to each one as well as the quantity.

Carlsberg Lager   (26.4 litres)  £1.36 per litre
Fresh Clementine Juice  (2.7 litres)  £1.30 per litre
Apple & Elderflower Cordial  (2.0 litres)  £1.25 per litre
UHT Semi Skimmed Milk  (0.5 litres)  £1.16
Milk Shakes  (2.0 litres)  £1.00 per litre
Cans of Sprite  (3.96 litres)  £0.88 per litre
Pepsi  (4.0 litres)  £0.50 per litre
Fresh Milk  (2.27 litres)  £0.44 per litre
Bottled Water  (18 litres)  £0.33 per litre

The freshly squeezed clementine/orange juice was on offer; £1.50 per bottle but £3.50 for three, so I bought three - thinking I was buying litre bottles.  Thus, the £1.50 per litre price (what would have been the most expensive liquid of the day would instead be £1.17.  But NO.  The CIC have decided that instead of continuing to sell juice in containers of ONE LITRE, as has always been the convention, the bottles are now

900ml.  What the cuntin' fuck?

I am disgusted with Morrisons.

[ CIC = Cunts In Charge ]

9.6.13 Update

The cunts!  I have just drunk a milkshake and discovered that the 500ml bottle is in fact a 471ml bottle.  What the cuntin' cuntin' fuck !!!  Cheating conniving cunts.

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7.6.13 Half Brained Ed Miliband

There is apparently no limit to the stupidity displayed by the bods in 'New Labour' (which is actually a load of shite and as ever it's 'Old Labour) and I cannot believe the continued inability to fucking say anything rather than avoid spelling out an alternative.

The other day, Ed managed to talk about complete shit.  He announced in advance what he was oing to say, leading to news programmes explaining what he was 'going to say'.  Then we had him saying fuck all.  Afterwards, we had news reports about what he'd said which we already knew about) and analysis about - fuck all!

Half Brain Dead Miliband managed to talk at length about "worklessness" and as far as I'm concerned, this cuntish expression is not a cunting word that's worthy of inclusion in any fucking dictionary, let alone worthy of being spouted by a cunt.

Half Brain Dead Miliband had nothing of any worth to say - period.
Half Brained Ed Miliband is simply wasting my time by speaking - period.

Ed Balls is simply a warm-up act which/who is a complete tosser who hasn't got a clue about the economy at all, which is disappointing considering he's supposed to be a shadow of something-or-other,

Milibland and Balls-up.  What a double act.

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5.6.13 German Beef Testing

Meat testing in this world will be all the poorer for the extermination by the Germans of their longest word, a 63-letter term for the law which relates to the testing of beef.  Sadly the demise of:

Rindfleischetikettierungsuberwachungsaufgabenubertragungsgesetz

will mean Germany must rely on many thousands of other long words to baffle the world and create pronunciation nightmares for anyone trying to speak the language.  I rather suspect that in Germany, 'The Man Who Says Cunt' would be a single word - in fact, it probably exists already.

...

5.6.13 This Week On TV

As ever, there is much to be bemused at in the TV guide for this week.  Odd, funny, pathetic and irritating, the programmes served up to us on television are not often up to much, and the TV listings are often a source of amusement.  I have used the weekly offering from last Saturday's Sun for my observations this time.

Springwatch - BBC2

This dire programme (and its offshoots) is a pain, as is Chris Packham's voice. The first issue I've got, though, is that as far as I am concerned, it's a but fucking late to be watching Spring when it's Summer!  I don't give a shit about the June Solstice or the Autumnal Equinox, because meteorologists agree with me that Summer is June, July and August.  Tonight is the seventh of twelve hour-long ordeals which exist because there's an obsession with watching some shit, whether it's worth watching or not.  This is forced consumption by the masses because a cunt with a camera is watching and recording something.  So, right up until the end of next week, well into June, the tits on BBC2 are watching shit, talking shit and existing in a time warp.  Why the hell don't they get busy in March, April and May?  Tomorrow's edition is apparently inclusive of a report on ash trees, and a 'live' report on the red kites.  It had better be fucking 'live' if you're supposedly watching (in summer)!  Elsewhere, grass grows, cows fart and paint dries.

Then we have Springwatch Unsprung, which sort of hints of an issue, but doesn't do it properly.  "Springwatch Unhinged" would be so much better. Plus, there's Springwatch In The Afternoon to piss people off nice and early. This is fucking Summerwatch.  Are we going to get Christmaswatch in fucking February?

Embarrassing Bodies - Channel 4

I particularly liked the info on Tuesday's programme, which includes the line: "Pixie McKenna deals with erectile dysfunction."  I rather think she doesn't! Just like Christian Jessen doesn't, Period!  Haha, get it?

History Stuff

This week there's a lot of stuff about Tudors, Elizabethan England and more recent stuff to do with D-Day and the Iraq War.  I part particularly like the TV listing for the BBC2 offering:

"The Most Dangerous Man In Tudor England Melvyn Bragg explores the story of . . . . "

With no punctuation, it relies on print boldness to differentiate and suggest Melvyn is not so much dangerous as the bloke who's presenting.  A similar issue arises when reading a Friday prigramme on BBC2:

"The Time Traveller's Guide To Elizabethan England The Rich Ian Mortimer explores the worlds of . ."


The Matt Lucas Awards - BBC1

Sunday BBC1 10.25: Compilation of the highlights from the recent series.  [But there weren't any???]

In Plain Sight - ITV

Tuesday ITV1 12.05: I'm A Liver Not A Fighter.  This name for the edition of a programme I've never seen before was one that threw me completely.  Once I had read the next bit, 'Mary helps a man who is terminally ill', then I realised more clearly that my visualisation of liver on a plate - something horrible my mum made me eat as a kid - was rather less relevant than the producers intended.

The Voice - BBC1

Quite simply bollocks, and a waste of life.

Random Comments

BBC2    3.45 Fred Dibnah's Made In Britain.  [Is he indeed!]
BBC1    2.15 Escape To The Country With Jonnie Irwin  [No thanks, I'll go on my own or find a female!]
BBC2  11.40 French Open Tennis  [Why did this make me think Open Sandwich Golf . . ?]
BBC1  11.00 Robbed, Raided, Reunited  [Is this not the tackiest, crappiest name for a programme ever?]
SKY1    9.00 Greggs: More Than Meats The Pie  [I thought with a dropped 's', Greg Wallace could put some weight back on!]

...

4.6.13 Talking Shit

Affected Speech / Pronunciation

I am sick of twats trying to make a point when saying words they deem 'special' in some way, which require extra consideration when being spouted. Some examples to illustrate this point are as follows:

Avalanche, Homage, Provenance, Art Nouveau

These are all standard words and terms in the English language, whatever their derivation, so cunts who insist on needlessly mispronouncing them need shooting.  Averlonsh, Omarje, Provenonse, Ahh Noov-O is all bollocks, and then some!

Pronunciation Fuck-Ups

Can we all simply agree that there is room enough in the world for the inclusion of syllables which were intended when the cunts who devise words included letters (and associated syllables) in them!  So, without repeating any rants in previous posts, things such as "Reguly" instead of "Regularly" and "Itinery" instead of "Itinerary".  By the way, "Via" is pronounced the same way as it is in the first part of "Viaduct", and NOT as "Vee-a".

Missing Letters in Speech

Some of the shit spoken these days is a result of dropped letters, even if a syllable is not deleted.  "Reconise" for "Recognise", and "Artic" for "Arctic". Then we have the word "Vulnerable" which twats insist on pronouncing as "Vunrable".  There is a bone in the arm called the 'Ulna' and this should give a fucking clue as to how to pronounce "Vulnerable".  You don't here many doctors and nurses talking about a broken "Unner"

Plurals

The plural of "Wind Turbine" is NOT "Wind Turbine" you thick cunt on the telly! Wildlife is also a common target for using the singular to count as plural, so - the Giraffe are, the eel are, the Zebra are, the Turtle are, the Flamingo are.  If "Flamingo" is a plural term, then maybe we ought to write it as "Flamingeaux", and if anyone was stupid enough to do so, the Eskimeaux would get pissed off, I dare say.

Made-up Words

There are hundreds of them, many emanating from the USA, where they talk about "deplaning".  This is not the eradication of planes from the area, and it's not a term to explain making something rough again, to counter the effects of something being planed.  No, it's used for people who are in fact leaving an aeroplane [airplane in the USA of course] along with the equally fucked-up expression of "debarking" which, you've guessed it, is NOT removing the vocal chords from a rottweiler but is used also mean the opposite of "embark".

Stress

If you confirm, you are a conformist.  It's that fucking simple.  You are NOT a Con-f-mist.  Islam naturally leads to a description of Islamist with a long 'a'. How we go from Islam with a long 'a' to Islamic with a short stressed 'a' to Islamist with a short stressed 'I' is beyond me completely.

Nouns as Verbs

During the Olympics last year, there was a lot of Medal-ing (as opposed to "Meddling") because this provided a good example of the stupid practice of using a noun to create an associated (fictitious) verb.  We now get people who have "Podiumed" and climbers who have "Summitted".  What next, then?  How about animals who've "Abattoired" (not that they'll be around to discuss is - and if they were, they can't talk!) or people who win might be described as having "Trophied".  What complete fucking shite.  In fact the cunts who create this shit lingo might be said to have "Cunted", eh?

American States - Including Yoming

If Americans love to pronounce the first letter of words (especially vowels) as a long sound, to mimic the name of the letter - such as in Iowa, Idaho, Utah, and they 'export' this approach to places like 'Iran', 'Iraq', the 'Azores' and 'Oman', just why is there a 'W' in Wyoming?

...

4.6.13 Yoghurt Overload

Gok Wan

Will someone please, please explain why I have to watch Gok prancing around, mauling females (which apparently is okay if you're gay) and preaching about 'me time' or 'confidence'.  I have had Nag Wok overload for ages, but these recent Activia adverts with all that Bifidus shit have taken things to an intolerable level.  I would appreciate a break from the affected presenting style, but fear that at any time I might be told of another Channel 4 series with Go Wank presenting in that annoying style where there's a recap every few mins and multiple chats about what's coming up.

Nicole Scherzinger

Muller-licious my fucking arse!  What an annoying term, and so typical of advertising types.  As for being described as the 'New Face of Muller', I hardly think that's complementary!  What possessed her to act like a pampered tit in aid of a yoghurt I do not know - well actually I do, it was no doubt the money.

Amanda Holden

Oykos - seriously luxurious?  Hmmm . . beg to differ.  BGT obviously pays well but not enough, and Amanda Holden does need something to occupy her for the other 11 months of the year.  So, a few adverts and endorsements are par for the course.  What's annoying is that some twat thinks I'll be more inclined to buy Oykos because Holden likes it (well, that's to be established) - and the same goes for Gok and Nicole for the other brands.

...

3.6.13 Contactless Crisis

On 21st January I had just cause to complain via this blog about the replacement card forced on me by my bank - a contactless version of what I'd had for many years (without issue) in a 'contact' variety.  I'd always rather liked the fact that when I wanted to spend money, I had to do something rather than just loiter like some sort of lazy cunt who cannot manage a 4-digit PIN.  Now we have ended up in a situation where my money is less safe than any number of other aspects of my life where I need a PIN to proceed.

Now I see in the paper an exact account of how fraudsters are having a field day by scamming millions of cardholders who can do little about it.  I challenged the bank call centre worker but had to give up because the one version of the truth that she was able to spout involved stating a number of times that there is no evidence that thieves are targeting contactless cards, and that all money taken as a result of disputed transactions would be reimbursed.

I failed then (and do so now) to believe on the first point that anyone could be so fucking blinkered and stupid, and on the second point, that blood out of a stone would pour forth rather more quickly than my bank would give me £60 back because I said I did nothing.

I can absolutely guarantee you that any thieves who are technologically aware will not be bothering anymore with cash point machines.  No, the easy pickings are everywhere now, in all of our pockets.  The millions of cards issues with the ability to let money be taken from your account are going to give fraudsters an easy ride for a while.  Yes, the amount is typically limited to £20 per transaction, and occasionally you may indeed need to verify a transaction with the 'old fashioned' pin - that's right, the fucking one that stops people standing next to you scanning and scamming up to £20 while you daydream.

Believe the picture above, because it is as easy as this for someone to fleece you of a small amount of money - and you'll quite probably never ever notice. Would you spot a transaction on your statement (if you check it) showing £14.95 being paid out as a mistake.  Would you then have confidence to challenge the bank.  You'd of course have to prove to the bank just why you did not actually authorise or want that much to be taken from your account.  There will be battles all over the place.  A fucking disaster waiting to happen.

I have obtained for myself a small 'Secrid' wallet which has a metal case within it - no cunt can scan me and scam me.  I suggest you do the same or this contactless bollocks will cost you - if you notice, that is.  The first line of defence falls to us consumers, and the banks who have caused this grief are simply pathetic and fucking corporately stupid cunts who do not care.  The fact that I am denied a normal card (where contact is fucking needed) is appalling. If you don't know what I am talking about, check my January post and suss out 'Secrid' on Google.

Watch out.

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