b) Why does The co-operative issue tokens for £7 off when you spend £70 because nobody with any sense would spend such a high amount in the place ? / !
c) The sign in Bradford said "All Day Breakfast" followed by details of what was in one - followed by "Served From 11.30am". All Day, my arse!
d) Even when there's a dedicated cycle lane provided, there's still always a cunt who decides to ride two abreast and cause an obstruction for cars. When cycling on a road, it is not your right to be able to chat to someone to your left while wobbling along!
e) In McDonald's there is an offer detailed in little stand-up cardboard menus under the heading of McCafé to include iced frappés. The abundance of acute accents is peculiar in that the reference to ingredients being pureéd is missing the accent, so we are served pureed instead. Be consistent, McDonald's!
f) It seems there is discrimination prevailing in the 'fashion' world, and some sort of weird celebration of being fat. Despite the supposed threat to the nation's health and the obvious drawbacks in being a fat cunt, there are retailers who cater for larger sizes while ignoring the needs of ordinary folk, those who are perhaps small and/or slight of frame. Sadly, jacamo caters for blokes who are "Medium to 5XL". How fucking tragic and totally pointless that anyone who is a size 'Small' is completely snubbed. Does this therefore endorse the eating of more doughnuts? This company is getting jack-shit out of me. Then for the women we have Marisota, and the limited range - sizes 12-32. Again, a fact cunt can shop easily while anyone with a healthy size 8 or size 10 body is ignored. No, Coleen, I am not interested in your new "Coleen Nolan" range - I've got a tent. Finally, going one better than that (well two, actually) is Simply Be which offers clothes for women in the 14-32 range. Disgusting discrimination. Is this company's full name "Simply Be Big" or "Simply Be Fat" perhaps? Finally, have a look at the website, and you'll find nothing being modelled by anyone over a 14 or maybe a 16 at the most! Simply how two-faced or double-fuckin'-chinned can you Be?
g) This pot of chewing gum is available by the tills in the Cunt-op from a massive cardboard point-of-sale monstrosity which states: "Great For The Car". I am no expert but I am pretty sure that chewing gum does fuck all for automobiles. Perhaps dumb fucks who drive them might consider a pot of gum as an essential travelling companion, to explain the ludicrous slogan from Wrigley's. Whatever the motivation, I am struggling to see how a white pot of gum is the answer to the country's problems. Rather, I believe it's the presence of chewing gum in ludicrous quantities that's making the country a fucking mess. Disposal of gum is now scandalously uncontrolled and awful. Why does the pot have to resemble something you're more likely to get on prescription from Lloyds Pharmacy? I reckon some boffins in the Wrigley's lab have championed health benefits and the marketing department staff have wet themselves over the link. Don't brush your teeth, just chew our gum instead. I would also like to know when the new fucking units of measurement were adopted in the UK. We used to have imperial, and so I'd expect multiples of 5,6,12 or even 20. The country went decimal in the 70s, and this gave us numbers which are more round. Why then is it appropriate to sell containers holding "46 pieces" when that number has no relevance? - - - - other than it's one of the balls inside Guinevere [a reference to the National Lottery, not the sexual habits of the Queen consort of King Arthur].
h) Why exactly does Chloe Madeley think we are interested in her, or interested in seeing pictures of her?
i) How on earth can people be so stupid? In the news a few weeks ago was the latest story of a doctor taking the piss with a patient - allegedly. I am not sorry to reveal that I found the whole thing hilarious; just listen to the opening line. "A woman went to hospital with a bad back - and a groping physiotherapist rubbed cream into her boobs." The prosecutor said: "As he began to massage her groin area she was having serious doubts about what was going on." No shit!
j) Redcar & Cleveland Borough Council, has clearly got too much cash. Why else would it decide to install a metal barrier on a one-mile stretch of road that does not fucking need it? Yes, on the A174 there is a dual carriageway that's been functioning rather effectively for decades. I have not seen, in the twelve years that I've been using it, a single instance of a vehicle mounting the kerb of the central reservation, crossing the green grass and ploughing into a vehicle going the other way. However, some bright spark has decided that now is the time to spend stupid amounts of money to plant steel in the central grass area. Fucking madness. Anyway, I must go - it's time for me to erect some anti-slip material throughout my house, and out into the garden, and a barrier in the front garden in case a lorry needs to be 'deflected' when it mounts the kerb on the way to visiting my front room.
k) I think someone ought to tell "women of a certain age" that an aisle in Sainsbury's is most definitely NOT a meeting place and a spot for idle chit-chat. Fuck off to a coffee morning in someone's house or the local church hall! The last time I was shopping there, I was approached by a chap from Eastern Europe, as I got out of my car. He had a small barrow and was, along with a fair few others, washing cars. I was feeling benevolent, and the car was hardly clean, so I asked how much, expecting £5. When I heard him mumble "Eight pounds" I was flabbergasted. I know Sainsbury's is deemed slightly higher in the supermarket pecking order, but eight quid for a man with a bucket in the bottom of a barrow to smear my car was outrageous! Where's the fucking 'price match' coupon for that?
l) Back to Redcar & Cleveland Borough Council, and the complete fuck-up of Redcar's seafront. After many millions of pounds have been spent on refurbishing the promenade, the EDF Energy windfarm has fucked up the view forever.
Can someone explain why the hell it makes sense to improve the seafront, and then ruin it at the same time. The ludicrous 'Beacon' is something that looks like a car park that's been through a car crusher; what do you think? Surely the most ugly heap of shite you've ever seen? Is there supposed to be some benefit in climbing this thing and looking out to sea, when all that's there is a 'sea of turbines'?
m) Why is it that a wet cuff doesn't dry? Wet Cuff Syndrome is something that afflicts the washer-up and creates immense frustration. A wet cuff will not dry out, and a change of clothes is the only remedy.
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