Looking at my TV Guide, I am in some despair at the offerings served up by the main channels. If I had my way, the plethora of shows aimed at secondhand shit would be replaced. Gone would be Flog It! and Antiques Road Trip, along with Bargain Hunt and Dickinson's Real Deal. Instead, I would have a single show and would elect the name that some (boring) bright spark must have thought unwise. Yes, the new show should be called Antique Hunt. You'll of course not be able to say this without actually saying "Anti Cunt" unless you have a severe speech impediment. It would also introduce some irony, if considered as 'Auntie Cunt', the formal form of address for 'The Beeb'.
Coast & Trains
Surely there must be no more coast left to be explored? 'Coast' seems to have gone on forever! I suppose we are stuck with the team in the same way that we are stuck with Michael Portillo, who manages to find no end of fucking trains to catch. Why can't Portillo catch a coastal train and take these twats with him; that could remove one programme; they can fight over which one is dropped.
Morrisons
Rather than endure the nauseating 'sponsored by Morrisons' shit that pops up in each of the very many Britain's Got Talent advert breaks, I'd like to see a new reality gameshow. The format would be to take a busload of Morrisons shoppers (in other words slow-moving grey-haired folk who've no clue that they are a hazard) and drop them off in the centre of London. This would be hilarious to watch, as they fuck about, wander out into the middle of the road, just as they loiter in the centre of aisles, and one by one they'd simply be eliminated - a variation on Hunger Games, I think. I am sad to say no one has beaten me to it, and this programme [called Morrisons Drop, with Davina McCall hosting] is sadly NOT in the TV listings. I continue to wait with great expectation.
Great British / British
Another fucking waste of space that uses these words. We've had the British Menu, the Bake Off, Railway Journeys and other shite, and now we've got 'Sewing Bee' where some sewing is judges, and people can go on bastard 'journeys' and be 'challenged'. Then there's "Rory Bremners Great British Views", apparently 'panoramic' rather than political or comedic. Yawn.
Embarrassing Bodies
The depths of television entertainment are dredged this week, with Embarrassing Bodies: Live from the Clinic including what is described as - "a live smear test and a consultation with a urologist." That certainly is taking the piss and in poor taste. Hopefully there's no overlap with Antique Cunt.
Food
What's Cooking? Come Dine With Me. Hairy Bikers' Best of British. Great British Menu. Chefs: Put Your Menu Where Your Mouth Is. Paul Hollywood's Bread. Food Glorious Food. Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares USA. Masterchef. The Great British Regurgitation of Shite and Shit In Shovels Show. And all these exclude the Baker Boys, Rick Stein, Gary Rhodes, Nigella, Gino, Worrall Thompson, Mary Berry, Jamie Oliver, Ainsley - to name but a very few.
1001 Things You Should Know
This is the most dire waste of space ever, and its existence defies all logic and nature itself. Why has this come back for a second sitting? Forget 1000 things and remember just ONE - not to watch this crap.
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