14.4.13 Factoids and Comments

The Greatest Lies of All Time

1 - "The World is flat"  [Various]

2 - "There are Weapons of Mass Destruction"  [Tony Blair]

3 - "Sale Must End Sunday"  [DFS]


Translation - Football Speak

1 - Actual:  "We lacked a little bit of quality in the final third"
1 - Means: "We were shit when it came to scoring"

2 - Actual:  "We'll take the positives"
2 - Means: "We lost"

3 - Actual:  "Basic fundamentals, strength in depth, stonewall penalty"
3 - Means: "Alan Hansen is a twat"


People With Funny Names

1 - Bert Puttock  [Featured in the Daily Mail news]

2 - Seb Emina  [Featured in the Daily Mail news]

3 - Eimer Mhaoldomhnaigh  [Costume designer on the film, The Guard]


Greatest Questions of Our Time

1 - What exactly is a foraged sea vegetable and why would you eat one?  [GBM]

2 - How do you forage a sea bass?  [Great British Menu again]

3 - Was it "Helpful Banking" when the NatWest lost billions of pounds, then?

4 - Why the fuck should I have to collect vouchers at supermarkets?

5 - Why, why, WHY does the Halifax have to sing everything?

6 - Why in Morrisons is 1kg of rice £1.22 and a 2kg packet £2.49?

7 - What is so very wrong with being pear-shaped that it is used critically?

8 - Why do most car parking spaces leave no room for doors to be opened?

9 - What is so very wrong about 'youth in Asia', then?


Advice

We are constantly hit with pathetic advice and cautionary notes because it is now the norm.  We cannot be trusted to make any decisions ourselves, to weigh up risks, or exercise common sense.  On the radio, I was recently invited to participate in a pointless competition, and I listened to the phone number being given out, with the standard warnings about getting the bill payer's permission, followed by "you can also text, if it's safe to do so" and advice on how to do this.  IF IT IS SAFE TO DO SO - wtf?  That applies to everything in fucking life.  Will Greg Wallace on Masterchef shortly be telling contestants: "Right people, you have one hour; get cooking, if it is safe to do so."  Pathetic and pointless advice is everywhere now.


Double Standards

During the Six Nations rugby tournament, I read an article in which players' wives were shown, highlighting how some of the players had bagged themselves glamorous partners, and I was struck with one particular comment regarding Florence Szarzewski..  "Florence is married to French hooker Dimitri" was a sentence that would not have been acceptable if the roles were reversed!  


Cravendale

I followed a lumbering lorry, and tried to slow my heart rate down to the speed of the fucking vehicle to stave off turmoil at being stuck on a small road behind a ludicrously large delivery lorry.  As it pulled out on to a main road, turning right, I was able to see the slogan across the enormous side - "Cravendale - The Milk Matters".  Sorry, but is DOESN'T matter that much!  How many fucking pints were being dropped off at the local (small) supermarket that meant it was appropriate to use something on 18 wheels that could hold many thousands of pints?  There is clearly some disillusion in the management at Cravendale.  Yes, milk does matter to a point, but whether it's Cravendale or not, I don't give a flying (or driving) fuck.

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