18.8.12 X-Factor 2012 1st Programme

Dermot kicked us off with "There's four people they've got to impress" - and there was I, thinking that "There is four people" would only be uttered by an illiterate idiot; I was right, eh?

At an hour-and-a-quarter, X-Factor was shorter than the other Cowell offering [Red or Black, at an hour-and-a-half] but luckily couldn't have been any worse in terms of entertainment.  There were a few notable points.  The chap who works in Asda completed what must surely be one of the best auditions of all time.  Simply wonderful.

The Pink tribute act (Zoe Alexander) who did not want to try and emulate Pink, then sang a Pink song and strutted about the stage shouting out the lyrics with a weak voice.  She was not good, and looked scary/odd and had a worrying attitude.  She sang a second song, and the judges were actually trying to help her prove herself.  This second song proved she couldn't sing.  Her foul-mouthed reaction to being voted off was unbelievable.  Some real issues for this individual!

Perhaps the real talking point of this first show was the absolutely diabolical attitude and performance by one of the judges - the guest judge, Melanie B.  Call her what you will - Scary Spice, Old Spice, Crass Spice, Rude Spice, Up Herself Spice.  She was appallingly behaved and sitting in for Nicole Scherzinger, it was easy to see which one has the full-time role and which one will not be asked every again.  What is it with Spice Girls, because Halliwell was too full of herself as well?  Mel B was simply out of order, cruel and needlessly nasty.  For some reason, I was reminder of a monkfish - maybe it was the shape of her mouth?  If she needed water, I would have thought the producers could have stuck her on the roof of a London taxi and told the driver to drive eastwards for 400 miles (which I think would firmly put her in the North Sea).

The competition 'prize' was some sort of concert to watch Justin Bieber.  I must say, the only reason I'd ever call the number at £1.54 per minute would be if it was the only way to guarantee NOT seeing Bieber.  A better competition, though, would have been -

"What does the 'B' stand for in the Guest Judge's name?
A: Bitchy
B: Bastard
C: Bollocks
D: Beautiful

The sixteen-year-old at the end was great.  So, two outstanding performers over the hour-and-a-quarter.

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