I was rather annoyed at Davina McCall yesterday, when she referred to a collection of muppets in ski wear as "celebrities". This was The Jump on Channel 4, in which some hand-picked urchins are required to undertake winter sports in Austria, so that each can promote his or her profile, get paid, and climb a rung or two on the ladder of celebrity status.
My affront was provoked by Davina reminding me that any collection of nobs on TV partaking of just about anything at all is deemed a group of "celebrities". I would like to assert the following.
1 - Being an athlete does NOT mean you are a celebrity.
2 - Being related to someone well known or a celebrity does NOT mean you are a celebrity.
3 - Playing any sport does NOT mean you are a celebrity.
4 - Being an ex-partner of a celebrity does NOT mean you are a celebrity.
5 - Being a singer does NOT mean you are a celebrity.
6 - Appearing on a previous 'reality' show or similar does NOT mean you are a celebrity.
7 - Being short of a limb does NOT mean you are a celebrity.
I say all of the above in the hope that Channel 4 pays some attention, and relays the findings to Davina. In turn, I hope all TV channels and presenters revise their approaches to terminology forthwith.
Bearing in mind all of the above, let's just review those in The Jump, to see who deserves some recognition. Please note, it's not to say that someone who is perhaps not a 'celebrity' has nothing to offer, or is not entertaining; I am simply highlighting that the term is inappropriate. I have given them Celebrity Ratings and Entertainment Ratings out of 5
Mike Tindall CR-1 ER-1 = 2/10
Seems like a nice bloke, but he is NOT a celebrity. His non-qualification is clear on two counts from the list; being married to Zara Phillips does not count [No.2] and being an ex-rugby player does not count [No.3]. I hear he is signed up to do some sort of survival shit with Bear Grylls soon, and so he'll be able to cite No.6 as another non-qualifying factor.
Heather Mills CR-0 ER-0 = 0/10
I have no idea at all why anyone thinks this woman is liked enough to qualify for a place on our TV screens. No.4 plus No.6 plus No.7 apply the HM (and that does not stand for Her Majesty, even though I'm sure she'd like it to). There is nothing entertaining, likeable or celebrity' about her, so zeroes all round, luv.
Jon-Allan Butterworth CR-1 ER1 = 2/10
He seems like a thoroughly nice chap, and very determined. Nevertheless, I must confirm his non-celebrity status, both under No.1 and under No.7 above. I have resisted the urge to allow any novelty from watching a man with a missing limb to increase the Entertainment Rating.
JB Gill CR-1.5 ER-0.5 = 2/10
I suppose that even though JLS was a mediocre outfit, and he was one of four, JBG [although dressed in yellow yesterday, JCB would be more appropriate] has in a way been well known for some time, which can thus help nudge up the Celebrity Rating a tad. However, his failure under No.5 means only die hard JLS fans will argue. He is not entertaining at all, nor was he ever!
Chloe Madeley CR-0 ER-0.5 = 0.5/10
I am struggling with her inclusion. The daughter of two people I 'have' heard of has already had a go at Dancing On Ice, and thus fails under Numbers 2 & 5. Over and above this, though, I find that there is simply nothing at all that warrants her inclusion in anything. Baffling.
Jodie Kidd CR-0.5 ER-1.5 = 2/10
Her status as a so-called celebrity is so dubious, even though from the above list I can only see she fails on count No.6. Being a model (yawn) is simply not a job, let alone cause for adulation. Still, I have given her a tad more for entertainment, simply because watching her on the white stuff was very slightly more interesting that it could have been, on account of her gangliness - 6ft 2in made her a female 'Lurch'.
Stacey Solomon CR-2 ER-3 = 5/10
Against my better judgement, I have resigned myself to partial acceptance of improved celebrity status. After a good few years if her on our screens [No.5], and a generally positive attitude, the giggler offers something different in most gatherings, and she is likeable.
Louie Spence CR-2 ER-4 = 6/10
Unbelievably, Louie is worthy of more points than most others. He always adds some humour (as well as irritation) to proceedings, and through persistent appearance on TV has carved out a presence that means he can't be ignored. In essence, he fails on account of No.6, but is pushing back.
Lady Victoria Hervey CR-1 ER-0.5 = 1.5/10
Why is she on the programme? What does she do? I've heard of her, of course, but then I've also heard of Yosemite Sam, along with Mumps, Grey Goo. Hmm. I think she also fails under No.2.
Dom Parker CR-0.5 ER-2.5 = 3/10
A certain novelty value attaches itself to Dom, whose general approach is permanently mildly amusing. The fact that Steph is with him gives added interest. He's only ever sat on a sofa before, holding a drink, to gain some recognition from the public so No.6 applies. Still, he does 'make a change', even if I doubt there will be calls for him to appear on any more such shows.
Steve-O CR-3 ER-3 = 6/10
The Jackass is one of the more well-known claimants for 'celebrity' status, and is amusing, if rather weird. A reasonable addition, then, to the slopes in Austria. Luckily for him the O is not his score.
Joey Essex CR-3 ER-4 = 7/10
Sadly I have to concede that despite his weak qualifications for celebrity status, his ubiquity, if not relentlessness, gives us no real choice but to accept him as an enigma, and an oddment that is impossible to ignore.
Louise Thompson CR-1 ER-1 = 2/10
I have never seen her before, but understand she's on a reality show (Made In Chelsea) so just has No.6 from the list. Seems lovely, but I am as clueless as she is.
Louise Hazel CR-1 ER-1 = 2/10
Another athlete [so No.1] who has been told she's a celebrity, or worse, believes it. She seems nice, but I am bored now.
Phil Tufnell CR-2 ER-4 = 6/10
The ex-cricketer, who has for a fair while been on TV and in other shows, is a reasonably safe bet for these things. He has built up to being accepted now, despite shaky qualifications.
Ashley Roberts CR-2 ER-2 = 4/10
Fairly likeable, though sometimes dim, Ashley has adopted the UK and appears all over the place now. Probably worth the overall rating of 4.
It's a funny old world when out of 16 so-called celebrities who are on our screens to entertain us, only 5 get to score 5/10 or above, and no one gets more than 7/10.
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