Vanessa Hunt, the first one up, got through, with Rita as a mentor. I missed the singing, though I don't really care.
Matt Baker sang in a style that was unlikely to make any of the coaches turn, and that's exactly what the outcome was. But then we heard the typical bollocks, this time from Tom Jones. "I made a mistake," and "I should have turned". Well, Tom, at what stage, exactly, did you decide on that? AFTER it was all about the voice, when he could see the bloke, or after the 90 seconds of noise that he was allowed to ponder during? Wassock! - Tom Jones, not Matt Baker.
Autumn Sharif, the girl from Somalia, told us all about the irrelevant history, just before the 'voice' aspect of her performance. The first half was great, but then it turned to shouting and wailing. Nevertheless, she was good. Tom was so pleased with himself, after muttering "Awesome Autumn".
Then Woody Wilson pleaded for her to choose him. He won, for some strange reason, and Autumn completed his team of 12.
Kyle Parry
The periscope builder was a bore from the outset. He then came on and sang Try with rather limited ability. The nauseating screams and shouts from friends and family had more oomph than Kyle. "A great solid performance," said Rita, lying but being nice.
Michelle Gee, the midwife was possibly good at delivering babies but a whole lot less proficient at applying make-up, with lip liner that was offensive - not quite as offensive as her singing, though. No one turned. The shouting and growling style was atrocious. Overall, she was rather desperate, about 1/5 as attractive as she thought she was, and the "rasp" that will.i.am referred to was actually more of a skinning alive.
Sarah Dunn arrived on screen and annoyed the fuck in an instant. "I wonder what she looks like?" mouthed Rita to Tom. That's irrelevant, Rita. However, "awful" is the answer. No one turned, thank goodness. "Ah, she was so close." said one of the backstage contingent, possible Marvin Pointless. Anyone singing Barbie Girl deserves to make no progress. Her personality came out in the talking bit afterwards, providing further proof that no one turning was the correct outcome for all.
Mitch Miller was different. "I don't have a guy like you on my team," said Rita, after turning for him. No one does, Rita. "It was quirky, but it was different," said the useless Tom Jones, not quite understanding the meaning of the word "quirky" and thus qualifying it.
JoCee tried rather too hard. Pixie Lott's best friend managed to sing with an affectation that was so very annoying. The wailing was offensive, as was the pathetic spelling of her name, something that annoyed the fuck before she opened her mouth at all.
Craig Bunch told us that through a recent illness, he lost his long term and short term memory. So, his memory, then. He shouted his way through the performance, waking up some sleeping seals off the coast of Newfoundland. No one turned. "You hammered it from the beginning, and there was nowhere for you to go," said Tom, for the first time saying something reasonable.
Roisin Geraghty-McDonagh (a mouthful by anyone's standards) sadly brought with her a pack of screaming women to support her. This was boring. Tom the twat turned on the last note.
Annelies was excellent, yet neither of the idiots with space remaining turned around! "Absolute madness," said Woody, making sense for once. "So close," said Pointless Marvin. "I made a mistake," said Tom, being a nob and a cunt all at once! He disrespects the competition and the contestants every time he say this. "What a schmuck," he called out when he sat down. You got that right, you arse.
Charlotte Turnbull arrived on screen and she was so clearly going to get through. What a massive disadvantage being on the last of the shows, because the pickiness of the coaches overshadows things, and with few spaces left, they are all in a quandary.
Lisa Ward was assured a place before opening her mouth, because with just two acts left and two spaces, there was no other outcome. She could have saved herself the 600 mile journey from Shetland. Charlotte Turnbull was better. Tom and Will turned. Tom explained to Will that "Shetland is above Scotland". TWAT! Lisa chose the thicko.
Andrew Marc was bound to be on Will's team. He was fucking awful, making a mockery of this whole competition. Meanwhile, much better singers are on the train home. Laughable.
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