28.2.15 It's For Charity

Donating money to charity, and raising money for charity are both activities that require rather more thought, consideration and assessment than they seem to get.  Activities associated with the raising of money vary considerably - some take effort, some are linked to entertainment, and some are simply lazy begging efforts.  When something is supposedly "for charity", it is somehow automatically given a status that means everyone should blindly go with the flow, whether that's via contribution of general commendation.  In the name of charity, we are exposed to:

Bucket rattling - fine if you don't give via other avenues and you want to deal in cash

Numerous TV adverts pleading for a text to donate £2, £3, £5, or in the case of the Salvation Army at Christmas, £19 !

Chuggers [charity muggers, seeking a DD mandate] who are basically sales people on commission

People running for life - in their thousands - all wanting sponsorship

Begging adverts on television, to sponsor children, 3rd World schooling, animals, water supply and a fair few other things

Sponsored silliness - and request to help "Trudie in Accounts raise money for Veruka Awareness"

Poor television quiz shows where 'celebrities' try to win money "for charity"

Anything that plays on emotions to deal with Cancer.

The incessant drive for getting donations is ubiquitous.  With relentless cajoling, we are all expected to say 'yes' and donate, whatever the cause, because it's "for charity".  There are of course, as well as the national and regional efforts of big charities, the non-stop money-raising efforts at local level, via fun runs, walks, swimming - you name it.  These are for Cubs, Scouts, Schools, Sports Clubs, Churches, Conservation, and a thousand other things.  Then, there's the percentage taken from lottery tickets.

Charities themselves are strange entities, with many seemingly oblivious to public perception, and exposed as rather more concerned with maintaining their own existence than in the causes they are supposed to champion. Hardly surprising, then, to find that the Red Nose mob takes £97,000,000 per year in running costs.  Then we hear that Children in need has £90,000,000 in its reserves.  The RSPB spends just a quarter of its money on actually helping birds.  There are so many examples it is embarrassing.

The latest fiasco has highlighted further problems that we really ought to know about, at Barnados.  This is a company (charity, yes, but in effect, a company) which has just sanctioned its new HQ at a cost of £12million.  If this is not a complete abuse of those who donate to this 'good cause', then I am a cunting Dutchman (and I am British).  There can be NO justification at all for this scale of outrageous spending on nothing to do with kids at all!

This was announced/confirmed, just after the story that allowed us all to learn of the £20,000 given to Binky Felstead, to "promote" the charity.  Fucking disgraceful.  The fact that Binky (and you are allowed a snigger at this ludicrous tag) was giving her fee to charity (another one) was proof that she was rather less of a problem than the trustees of Barnardos, who sanctioned this level os spending to "promote the charity".

If there is any more proof needed that giving to charity is fraught with problems, dilemmas and hazards, then you are deluded indeed.


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28.2.15 The Voice or The Awful Racket

Now there's a question

Will

My ears were completely cunting assaulted by Shout performed by some of the twats that Will.e.wonka chose for his team.  Lulu has a lot to answer for. A racket that was only topped by Emma Willis wailing at a higher pitch than a Peruvian football stadium.  Ditch them all, Will.  "You guys really took it to church," said Will, using a pathetic, nonsensical cunting analogy and cliche that has no fucking place in anyone's vocabulary.  Rita talked bollocks, as did Tom Jones.  "I know the Isley Brothers, and I know Lulu," said Tom, name-dropping as ever.

Ricky

"Ricky is tricky - he's the biggest threat," said Tom.  Ha!  "You're absolutely sensational," said Emma Willis, as the loser was grog-marched from the building, no one having turned to "steal" her.  This competition is full of shit.

Rita

Marvin the Cunt decided to refer to Rita Ora as "Pop Royalty" - fucking TWAT!  I left the room and got my chicken dinner, in preference to listening. Upon my return, Will was congratulating someone on an "awesome shirt" and I considered the relevance of this on a show that is called The Voice.  Joe was selected by Rita; no idea whether he was any good - but unlikely.  Tom and Will both tried to steal the bloke that Rita didn't want.  He opted for Will and so the attempt to cut down the number of competitors was a failure.

Will

Both of them needed to be placed in the bin - and NOT the recycling one. This was NOT a battle but a double surrender . . . . capitulation and noise. Fuck off. The bollocks talked by Rita in summarising the performances was hilarious. "You both stood your ground," she said.  Crap!  "Team Turner is not ready to give up yet," said the big bird, just before she was forced to give up because none of the other coaches was interested in a 'steal'.

Tom

Tom being a "legend" wears so fucking thin when it's a weekly point of reference.  These to were both dodgy as hell.  "Toss a coin, Tom," said I, from the sofa.  "Do you think age has relevance in music?" asked Marvin the Pointless.  It's supposed to be about the voice, you idiot.  Tom chose Rosa, but Ricky and Rita went for the steal.  "You've got two to pick from," said the educated Marvin to Claudia, the teenager left behind.

Ricky

Hannah and Shellyann arrived on stage, and the spelling of the latter's name meant I was instantly rooting for Hannah.  Neither was impressive on this song, and Stevie Nicks was no doubt squirming somewhere on the planet. "She's one of the few people I haven't met," said Tom, of Stevie. He then made a twat of himself by suggesting the performance we had just endured was "More powerful than Stevie's".  WTF?  There was no point in the battle at all, as Ricky confirmed he was going with the one who'd impressed him most at the 'Blinds', Hannah.  Rita then stole Shellyann, with the help of the Shellyann's son.

Rita

"I know you'll both kill it," said Rita, when announcing her song choice for Clark and Olivia.  "You stood your ground and really delivered," said Rita of Clark, before picking him.  The steal option was taken by Ricky.

Tom

This country-sounding tosh was last on the bill, so that we could assess the warbling style of the 52-year-old, and the predictable noise of Roisin.  The steal was never going to happen.  A hug from Marvin was hardly a consolation for her.

Rita

This was horrendous - Mitch and a growling girl murdering Madonna, whose failed suicide attempt at the Brits meant she was in the running for this attention.

Tom

Howard and Stephanie were up next, and in the VT, I cringed at Howard's wailing.  The sing-off was not entertaining.  Tom picked Howard, and proved his lack of awareness.  The steal was always on, considering all four coaches turned for Stephanie during the blind auditions.  The hypocrisy stood out via the silence, as the other three decided they didn't want her.

Ricky

More wailing from blokes who tried to out-wail each other.  Stevie and Tim stood alongside Marvin the Pointless, and heard Ricky announce Stevie as the winner.

Will

Lucy and Karl closed the battles, giving us an operatic backdrop.  The shit from Cats was not really appropriate for this show.  While I would have offered a tray of cat litter for them both to fill, it was up to I.am.an.Iams.cat to pick one to go through (the cat-flap).  He kept Lucy.  Tom stole Karl.

...

28.2.15 Sheik's Son

Dramatic moment Sheikh's 16-year-old son in mother's Mercedes is chased through London the wrong way down one way street, through red lights and then escapes by reversing between two police cars 

• Teenager led police on a high speed car chase in his mother's Mercedes
• Car was stolen from outside father's multi-million pound home in London
• Drove wrong way through a one way system chased by five police cars
• Hit a traffic light and tried to reverse away but hit a taxi in the process 
• Sat on mother's lap in one court hearing and kissed her hand in another
• Court heard he 'deeply regrets' actions and struggles with ADHD
• Handed a rehabilitation order and community service - but no driving ban
• Outside court he whooped that he was getting 'straight on his moped'

This is an example of why the UK is completely fucked up, and useless.

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25.2.15 Sex With a Postbox

Drunk man who admitted trying to have sex with a postbox is found dead, weeks after appearing in court 

• Body of Paul Bennett, 45, found behind Chinese restaurant in Wigan
• Death comes weeks after he was made to sign Sex Offenders Register
• Court heard woman spotted him performing sex act and shouting 'wow'
• Death not said to be suspicious. Source said drugs could be involved

This headline in today's Mail online is particularly odd, yet suitably displays the complete fucking mess the country is in.  As if it was not sad enough that someone could be so drunk as to try and have sex with a pillar box, the judiciary then decided that the appropriate sentence for this drunken behaviour included the need for the 45-year-old bloke to sign the sex offenders register. I am positive that the objectives behind the setting up of the register did NOT include its use to note incidents that were simple drunk-and-disorderly capers. Yes, rubbing yourself on a pillar box is hardly appropriate behaviour, but are we really expected to believe that this silly act while pissed necessitated enrollment on a register that contains details of all sorts of low life and perverts?

There have been three "crimes" here.

1 - The drunken behaviour of a man
2 - The sad reporting of the "incident" by an up-her-arse woman (was she perhaps jealous of the post box) as if the act was detrimental to anyone at all; get a life, and moan instead about something to do with television and the watershed.
3 - The ludicrous decision to force the man to sign the sex offenders register after the embarrassment of an "indecent exposure" conviction was deemed insufficient.

The least offensive of the three is number one; number two then trumps number one for offensiveness, and finally, number three shows the most offensive action of all.

How sad that a few weeks later, the man is found dead.  Will we ever know what effect the magistrates' decision really had?  In the report, I note two further things:

One - The court heard that after the rubbing against the post box and the offender calling out "Wow", he pulled up his pants, checked his reflection and left.  Why was that not the end of it, really?
Two - Alongside the sentence of a 12-month community order and being made to sign the sex offenders register, he had to pay the woman who witnessed the incident £50, court costs of £150 AND a "Victim Surcharge" of £60.  That must have been for the post box!

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21.2.15 The Voice & Shetland Is Above Scotland

Vanessa Hunt, the first one up, got through, with Rita as a mentor.  I missed the singing, though I don't really care.

Matt Baker sang in a style that was unlikely to make any of the coaches turn, and that's exactly what the outcome was.  But then we heard the typical bollocks, this time from Tom Jones.  "I made a mistake," and "I should have turned".  Well, Tom, at what stage, exactly, did you decide on that?  AFTER it was all about the voice, when he could see the bloke, or after the 90 seconds of noise that he was allowed to ponder during?  Wassock! - Tom Jones, not Matt Baker.

Autumn Sharif, the girl from Somalia, told us all about the irrelevant history, just before the 'voice' aspect of her performance.  The first half was great, but then it turned to shouting and wailing.  Nevertheless, she was good.  Tom was so pleased with himself, after muttering "Awesome Autumn".

Then Woody Wilson pleaded for her to choose him.  He won, for some strange reason, and Autumn completed his team of 12.

Kyle Parry

The periscope builder was a bore from the outset.  He then came on and sang Try with rather limited ability.  The nauseating screams and shouts from friends and family had more oomph than Kyle.  "A great solid performance," said Rita, lying but being nice.

Michelle Gee, the midwife was possibly good at delivering babies but a whole lot less proficient at applying make-up, with lip liner that was offensive - not quite as offensive as her singing, though.  No one turned.  The shouting and growling style was atrocious.  Overall, she was rather desperate, about 1/5 as attractive as she thought she was, and the "rasp" that will.i.am referred to was actually more of a skinning alive.

Sarah Dunn arrived on screen and annoyed the fuck in an instant.  "I wonder what she looks like?" mouthed Rita to Tom.  That's irrelevant, Rita. However, "awful" is the answer.  No one turned, thank goodness.  "Ah, she was so close." said one of the backstage contingent, possible Marvin Pointless.  Anyone singing Barbie Girl deserves to make no progress.  Her personality came out in the talking bit afterwards, providing further proof that no one turning was the correct outcome for all.

Mitch Miller was different.  "I don't have a guy like you on my team," said Rita, after turning for him.  No one does, Rita.  "It was quirky, but it was different," said the useless Tom Jones, not quite understanding the meaning of the word "quirky" and thus qualifying it.

JoCee tried rather too hard.  Pixie Lott's best friend managed to sing with an affectation that was so very annoying.  The wailing was offensive, as was the pathetic spelling of her name, something that annoyed the fuck before she opened her mouth at all.

Craig Bunch told us that through a recent illness, he lost his long term and short term memory.  So, his memory, then.  He shouted his way through the performance, waking up some sleeping seals off the coast of Newfoundland. No one turned.  "You hammered it from the beginning, and there was nowhere for you to go," said Tom, for the first time saying something reasonable.

Roisin Geraghty-McDonagh (a mouthful by anyone's standards) sadly brought with her a pack of screaming women to support her.  This was boring. Tom the twat turned on the last note.

Annelies was excellent, yet neither of the idiots with space remaining turned around!  "Absolute madness," said Woody, making sense for once.  "So close," said Pointless Marvin.  "I made a mistake," said Tom, being a nob and a cunt all at once!  He disrespects the competition and the contestants every time he say this.  "What a schmuck," he called out when he sat down. You got that right, you arse.

Charlotte Turnbull arrived on screen and she was so clearly going to get through.  What a massive disadvantage being on the last of the shows, because the pickiness of the coaches overshadows things, and with few spaces left, they are all in a quandary.

Lisa Ward was assured a place before opening her mouth, because with just two acts left and two spaces, there was no other outcome.  She could have saved herself the 600 mile journey from Shetland.  Charlotte Turnbull was better.  Tom and Will turned.  Tom explained to Will that "Shetland is above Scotland".  TWAT!   Lisa chose the thicko.

Andrew Marc was bound to be on Will's team.  He was fucking awful, making a mockery of this whole competition.  Meanwhile, much better singers are on the train home.  Laughable.

...

21.2.15 Now You See It

Not funny in the slightest - ever !

A mildly interesting television programme that is COMPLETELY CUNTIN RUINED by the narration provided by the smug Mel Giedroyc, or 'Gridlock' as I call her.  The ludicrous attempts she makes to be clever and funny are simply horrendous.

Only Harry Hill on You've Been Framed has ever really managed to perfect this approach.  Other who have copied this style have managed to fail.  Ken Bruce was a fucking disaster with his voice-over crap on a BBC1 programme a year ago, but Mel has trumped Ken with her incessant smart-arsed bollocks accompanying Saturday magic.  If she shut-the-fuck-up, then the half-hour before The Voice might be tolerable.  Fuck off back to Bake Off.

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20.2.15 Crap at the Co-op

The fucking Co-op's pricing policy is a rip off.  I needed bread and milk.

Warburton's Loaf = £1.45 or two for £2
Semi Skimmed Milk = £1.45 or two for £2

Unfortunately I was not in the market for eight fucking pints of milk, or thirty-four slices of cunting bread.  Thus, I purchased a loaf plus a four-pint carton of milk.  There is no "mix and match" facility.  So I had to pay £2.90.  Rip-off!

Of Course I can't Fucking See !

Meanwhile, the latest development at the cigarette kiosk is conversion of the display to conform to new legislation affecting smaller supermarkets.  The nerve of the shopfitters and cunts in charge that led to the printing of the question is frightening.  I can't see what I want because there's a fucking great door over the display, the board that you've written the cunting question on!

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17.2.15 Preston North End v Manchester Utd

Let me just clarify the details surrounding the 3-1 win by Manchester United.

Falcao did Fuck-all.

Wayne Rooney manages to stand five yards from the goal line, just to the right of the keeper, and narrowly avoid the ball as it passed him en route to the back of the net.  The keeper was most certainly distracted by Rooney's presence, and did not act or move in the way he would have if Rooney had been elsewhere.  In simple terms, if Rooney hadn't been there, the keeper would have saved the shot.  Thus, Rooney's interference with the play was indisputable.  However, a goal was awarded.

Wayne Rooney manages to leap over the keeper's outstretched leg, and fall over.  There was no contact at all, and yet he was claiming to have been tripped.  The resultant penalty saw Rooney score.

Marouane Fellaini managed to effect a small push in the back on the defender before scoring.  As the push was a small push and not a big push, the goal was allowed to stand, even though the defender was most clearly affected by the Manchester player behind him.

All three goals were contentious, to say the least.

Lucky cunts.

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14.2.15 The Voice and The Voices

Karl Loxley

"Some of the locals at the supermarket don't have a clue that I sing," said Karl.  I should hope not; when I am shopping, I certainly don't want to be sung at.

Nessun Dorma - how fucking unoriginal!  Well, Karl, you can do more than stack shelves - but this was not entertaining.  Tom twitched and grimaced . . . and then, for no reason that made any sense at all, Will.i.am turned with half a second to go.  Rita Ora then went to the stage to tell him he was cute and she liked his jacket.  Hmm . . . all about the voice then, Ritalin.  As for the other input she had - bollocks.  She apparently didn't turn because she knew Will.i.am was the right one for him.  But he turned with no more than half a second to go, and so Ritalin's comment was crafted retrospectively.

Si Genaro

The previous effort (last year) was simply nuts, and for some reason the BBC twats invited a further performance.  "I can't believe I've got a second shit," said Si.  That made two of us.  He sang a fantastic song, and managed to kill it with a shredder.  No one turned.

"Oh, it's chicken man," said Ricky.  "I just always have one in my pocket," was him referring to his mouth organ.  He then was allowed extra time to sing a further ditty, even though he was waiting to leave the stage.  I got the sense that the coaches were about to tell him that if he'd sung that song for the competition, then they'd have turned around.  Will gave him his email address. "I regret not turning for Si," said Will.i.am.

Mia Sylvester

She sang with an affectation that was annoying, with pronunciation that was more questionable than why the BBC gives any airtime to Phil Neville.  If she sang more normally rather than trying to be Amy Winehouse II.  "You were incredible and we are a load of schmucks," said Ricky.  Well, he got the second part right.  If she had sang in the first couple of programmes, she would have got through.

Keedie Green

Less abrasive than Mia, but still some wailing that I could have done without. Titanium then turned into a weird operatic noise, and it was clear than none of the coaches would know what to do with her.  Tom's first mention of "Powerful" was provided.  No one turned, as expected.

Lara Lee

Very, Very, Powerful

Ricky Wilson relayed to us that he knew the words, by lip syncing along, and giving us that ghastly fucking smile.  Lara Lee was looking forward to being judged on her voice not on her size, and I was reminded of Sara Lee, who makes cakes, I believe.  Tom Jones turned around.

We were then treated to some extra input from Lara Lee, with poetry to background music.  Certainly individual, and talented.  YEAH! Tom.

Joyful Soundz

Patrick and Simone came on to provide us with a Saturday night cliche.  I heard the first note and said "Fucking no!" out loud, to Mrs MWSC.  Awful, dated, and simply naff.  Never has there been a more inappropriately named 'act'.  Then, Will.i.am decided to plum the depths of dross by turning at the death.  You idiot, Will.  Backstage, Marvin started up a chant - "Joyful Soundz, Joyful Soundz," making a sound that was anything but joyful.

The Rise

I have no idea whether this was flat, crap, or what . . . this short extract was awful.  Anthony and Michael were dire.  Who the cunting fuck signed off this act for national TV?

Susan Lovejoy

This was the night's joke act - but I didn't laugh.  The happy-clappy family (plus Emma Willis) were as bad as the act itself.

nk

He was really good, and got three spins - Tom, Rita and Ricky.  "You took us on a walk with your voice," said Wilson, and was for once talking some sense.  He went with Rita, obviously.

Damian Dalton-Smith

What a disaster.  He simply lost his voice, which is not really a useful thing on a programme called The Voice.

Christina Matovu

Wilson

Marvin divulged that he too gets nervous.  I struggled to understand what on earth he does that would warrant nerves, considering his limited input and occasional hand clapping.  Anyway, the singing got underway, and I endured "If I Go," a song I'd never heard before, now wish that was still the case, and don't ever wish to hear again.  It was not up to much, and then at the last second, Ricky Wilson turned his chair.

Sheena McHugh

A bit whiny to start with, but certainly a twist to her voice, and a bit of power, as well as control.  All four turned.  Tom gave us his view that included "Powerful".   She(ena) picked Will.


Marvin and Emma was somewhere in the vicinity, doing nothing useful, as usual.

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12.2.15 Prince Andrew's Birthday Present

As a 55th birthday present, the queen has promoted Prince Andrew, bestowing upon him the most appropriate rank ever dished out.  He is now . . . . . . Vice Admiral

Surely there has never been a bloke more suited to being an Admiral of Vice.  I wonder how things will develop regarding the allegations of his shenanigans with a seventeen-year-old.  He's obviously taking Ad-Vice on how best to avoid being blown out of the water.  I think that the people of this country are quite capable of forming their own opinions on this chap.

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11.2.15 Mail Online Bollocks

There can be no doubt at all that there is a significant percentage of complete shit served to us under the guise of journalism and informative articles - when the reality is rather less commendable.  The latest affront to our intelligence comes by way of today's article on how to save money at lunch time.  I have no idea who these people are, who decide that we all need to be guided through how to supposedly 'save' a couple of quid midday, by not buying expensive shit.  If you can be bothered to read the article (copied below, excluding some of the pictures) then you'll see just how fucking lame the level 'journalism' is these days.  Some of the assumptions are simply laughable, as is the pretentiousness in which this whole piece is wrapped. 

Forget Pret and Whole Foods! Ten healthy supermarket lunch deals for under £5... and our cost-cutting tips to save £1,300 a year

• Waitrose, Asda, Marks & Spencer and Tesco offer affordable lunch options
• All ten supermarket lunches cost less than £5 and are from healthy range
• Save between £2 to £5 a day depending on what you choose to buy 

Think you can’t have lunch for under a fiver? We’re here to tell you that you can. But it will mean changing some lunchtime habits. 

You will need to steer clear of popular options such as Pret, Whole Foods, Eat and Crussh and start going to supermarkets for your sarnie, salad and snack. 

And while an Asda sandwich or a Tesco salad might not be the most glamorous of lunches, you could end up saving between £2 to £5 a day, depending on your food choices. 

While we all love hearty office lunch, the cost of a daily takeaway can be crippling.  

The combined cost of a sandwich, drink and a snack from popular lunchtime outlets can often come up to more than £6 a day. 

For instance a Pret a Manger lunch of a chicken and avocado sandwich (£3.25) with a bottle of pomegranate and hibiscus still water (£1.65) and a slice of banana cake (£1.60) comes up to £6.50, which when multiplied by five (assuming you work Monday to Friday) will cost you a whopping £32.50 a working week. 

Compare that to the cost of an M&S lunch  of a chicken, chilli and mango salsa sandwich with coconut pieces and orange juice, which comes up to £5, or £25 per working week and the price disparity is obvious. 

And while you're losing the pounds from your purse, you may well be piling them elsewhere as a lot of these options are high calorie foods. 

Pret's 482-calorie sandwich also loses out when pitted against M&S's, which contains a mere 295 calories.  

Hot food counters like the ones at Whole Foods Market are also guilty of making us overspend. 

The pay-by-the pound pricing structure can be misleading and there are times when you can end up paying as much as £20 or a salad or hot lunch just because you weren't paying attention to what you were putting in your takeaway bowl. 

Supermarkets may not have the most exotic of choices but their prices are far more appealing.

The M&S Piri Piri Chicken and Coleslaw Sandwich costs just £2.50. Bored of sandwiches? Splash out an extra 50p and go for the Tikka Chicken & Rice Salad.

Snacks include the 50p Sour Cream & Chilli Lentil Curls, Reduced Fat Hummus and Carrot, and Cracking Coconut, both £1 or the £1.20 fruit selection of melon, pineapple and grapes.

Add a bottle of Orange Juice (£1.50) or Revitalise Sparkling Apple & Blueberry (£1) and your meal will cost you exactly £5.

Looking to make bigger lunchtime saving? Try Asda’s super salads. Lunch on either Baby Potato and Free Range Egg Salad, (153cal); Spiced Chicken and Wholewheat Pasta (305cal) or Spiced Chicken and Mango Salad (164cal), all from their Good and Balanced range and you won’t be spending any more than £2.

And as you’ve only spent £2 on salad, you can afford a snack of either walnuts and dates, crinkle cut crisps, popcorn or lentil chips, all which cost £1. Add a drink (69p) and you’ll still be hard pushed to spend more than £4 here. 

Tesco is another great option. There are a number of healthy combinations within the supermarket's £3 sandwich meal deal which means you get a choice of any sandwich or salad, snack and drink for £3.

It also does a two-for-£2 sushi offer: choose any two products, any combination, for £2.

Healthy options include the Tesco Healthy Living Chicken and Stuffing Sandwich, Healthy Living Smoked Ham and Chutney Salad and the No Mayo Chicken Salad with Bacon. 

For snacks there is a range of fruits and vegetables such as apples, grapes and celery to choose from. The £3 price also includes fruit juices, smoothies and still or sparkling water. 

The any 2 for £2 sushi combo includes items from the supermarket's sushi selection such as sweet chilli smoked salmon, tuna teriyaki taster and hoisin duck taster. 

Even Waitrose, with its reputation for pricey products, offers inexpensive and healthy lunch options.

Both the paprika chicken and vegetable rice salad with beetroot dip with cauliflower combination and the feta and lemon quinoa salad and minted pea dip with carrot and cucumber option cost less than £5.   

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11.2.15 Cold Snaps and Weather Bombs

When you think there are no depths left to scrape, weather people love to give us a surprise, and after the annoying-as-fuck term "cold snap" it seems we are lumbered with inappropriate and continual use of a pathetic term - "weather bomb".

The cunts who seem to think weather presenting is somehow a passport to worthiness delight in telling us so much in the way of shit information that I wonder how they sleep at night.  Not content with incessant references to "chillier temperatures", "freezing temperatures", "colder temperatures", "warmer temperatures", "milder temperatures","hotter temperatures" and "fresher temperatures", these cunts are currently obsessed with telling me how the sunshine is "wintry", and that some showers might "turn wintry".

I recently found myself agog at one of these idiots telling me "The weather front retreats back," but easily resisted any urge to look up a definition of 'retreat'.  Yet presenters persist with their shite, and troubled expressions, feigned intellect when there's a little bit of explanation volunteered to help the supposed thickos understand this complex situation.  The patronising cunts dare to tell me to wrap up warm, and take care on the roads.  There is a general assumption that rain is nasty and sunshine is good, and we are all supposed to give thanks and praise to the deliverer of any message that include a chance of some sun.

The weather will quieten down after Wednesday and be drier, but it will stay cold.  [Meteorlogist Mark Wilson, introducing noise levels to his forecasting]

Becky Mantin has just waffled for a couple of minutes, talking shit, and had the nerve to wink when she said goodbye.  Having referred to an improvement in "the second half of the weekend" [so that's Sunday then, eh?] she tried so hard via ludicrous intonation to be engaging and interesting.  This whole failure-of-a-forecast got off to the worst start with the on-screen caption for tomorrow that said "Quiet at first", as if there some sort of cunting noise level element to her role at ITV.

I am wondering what constitutes a "thundery shower", something which is obviously different from "showers and thunder".

...

10.2.15 Overweight - Kids and Mums

Outraged that her son was given a letter at school advising he was overweight, this mother has created a noise in the media about it.  It seems that if her boy were an inch taller and three pounds lighter, he'd be classed as 'aok', and the school would not have despatched the missive via his schoolbag.  I would have thought that the solution is rather simple - amend the letter, so that it is addressed to the mother, and then perhaps everything will make rather more sense.  Pick you battles, luv.

...

10.2.15 Horrendous Harriet Harman

A truly awful woman

A truly awful vehicle

What a completely pathetic approach being adopted by Harriet Harman, the useless twat who has decided it's appropriate to campaign using a pink van, targeting the women's vote.  How fucking patronising of her.  Anyone stupid enough to give her even the time of day is likely to have an IQ is below 50, in any event.  The self-serving, hypocritical Labour twat is inviting ridicule, as ever.

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8.2.15 The Jump Hall of Fame

Davina's dismal display of dire dross on ice and snow was at 'semi-final' stage this evening, something that apparently meant six contestants were fighting for a place in the'final' that would include five of them.  WTF?  Since when do we move up from the previous maximum [four, for example in the 'final' of Strictly Come Dancing] ?

Davina was inducting the contestants into the 'hall of fame' on The Jump, and it started to become apparent that everyone was going to be recognised for something or other.  Sure enough, Heather Mills was suddenly in the frame [literally, as the inductions involved Davina putting framed pictures on a wall].

TMWSC: "What?  Just because she hasn't got a leg - pathetic !"
Mrs MWSC: "Prosthetic !"

The tension was slacker than a whore's cunt, as we waited to see who would be leaving, from JB Gill, Louise Thompson and the insufferable Chloe Madeley.

As the programme was ending, Davina dragged Chloe's parents into proceedings - why, I've no fucking idea.  It was certainly not for the confirmation provided by Judy Finnegan that she was calm:
"I felt completely zenned out," said the bag lady.

Louise jumped 17m and JB managed 13.5m, so was eliminated.  Five in the Final tomorrow then.  The oompahs and yodels commenced as the credits rolled.  Piste off.

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5.2.15 Coach Trip

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5.2.15 Celebrity & The Swamp of Greyness

I was rather annoyed at Davina McCall yesterday, when she referred to a collection of muppets in ski wear as "celebrities".  This was The Jump on Channel 4, in which some hand-picked urchins are required to undertake winter sports in Austria, so that each can promote his or her profile, get paid, and climb a rung or two on the ladder of celebrity status.

My affront was provoked by Davina reminding me that any collection of nobs on TV partaking of just about anything at all is deemed a group of "celebrities". I would like to assert the following.

1 - Being an athlete does NOT mean you are a celebrity.
2 - Being related to someone well known or a celebrity does NOT mean you are a celebrity.
3 - Playing any sport does NOT mean you are a celebrity.
4 - Being an ex-partner of a celebrity does NOT mean you are a celebrity.
5 - Being a singer does NOT mean you are a celebrity.
6 - Appearing on a previous 'reality' show or similar does NOT mean you are a celebrity. 
7 - Being short of a limb does NOT mean you are a celebrity.

I say all of the above in the hope that Channel 4 pays some attention, and relays the findings to Davina.  In turn, I hope all TV channels and presenters revise their approaches to terminology forthwith.

Bearing in mind all of the above, let's just review those in The Jump, to see who deserves some recognition.  Please note, it's not to say that someone who is perhaps not a 'celebrity' has nothing to offer, or is not entertaining;  I am simply highlighting that the term is inappropriate.  I have given them Celebrity Ratings and Entertainment Ratings out of 5

Mike Tindall  CR-1  ER-1    = 2/10

Seems like a nice bloke, but he is NOT a celebrity.  His non-qualification is clear on two counts from the list; being married to Zara Phillips does not count [No.2] and being an ex-rugby player does not count [No.3].  I hear he is signed up to do some sort of survival shit with Bear Grylls soon, and so he'll be able to cite No.6 as another non-qualifying factor.

Heather Mills  CR-0  ER-0    = 0/10

I have no idea at all why anyone thinks this woman is liked enough to qualify for a place on our TV screens.  No.4 plus No.6 plus No.7 apply the HM (and that does not stand for Her Majesty, even though I'm sure she'd like it to). There is nothing entertaining, likeable or celebrity' about her, so zeroes all round, luv.

Jon-Allan Butterworth  CR-1  ER1    = 2/10

He seems like a thoroughly nice chap, and very determined.  Nevertheless, I must confirm his non-celebrity status, both under No.1 and under No.7 above. I have resisted the urge to allow any novelty from watching a man with a missing limb to increase the Entertainment Rating.

JB Gill  CR-1.5  ER-0.5    = 2/10

I suppose that even though JLS was a mediocre outfit, and he was one of four, JBG [although dressed in yellow yesterday, JCB would be more appropriate] has in a way been well known for some time, which can thus help nudge up the Celebrity Rating a tad.  However, his failure under No.5 means only die hard JLS fans will argue.  He is not entertaining at all, nor was he ever!

Chloe Madeley  CR-0  ER-0.5    = 0.5/10

I am struggling with her inclusion.  The daughter of two people I 'have' heard of has already had a go at Dancing On Ice, and thus fails under Numbers 2 & 5. Over and above this, though, I find that there is simply nothing at all that warrants her inclusion in anything.  Baffling.

Jodie Kidd  CR-0.5  ER-1.5    = 2/10

Her status as a so-called celebrity is so dubious, even though from the above list I can only see she fails on count No.6.  Being a model (yawn) is simply not a job, let alone cause for adulation.  Still, I have given her a tad more for entertainment, simply because watching her on the white stuff was very slightly more interesting that it could have been, on account of her gangliness - 6ft 2in made her a female 'Lurch'.

Stacey Solomon  CR-2  ER-3    = 5/10

Against my better judgement, I have resigned myself to partial acceptance of improved celebrity status.  After a good few years if her on our screens [No.5], and a generally positive attitude, the giggler offers something different in most gatherings, and she is likeable.

Louie Spence  CR-2  ER-4    = 6/10

Unbelievably, Louie is worthy of more points than most others.  He always adds some humour (as well as irritation) to proceedings, and through persistent appearance on TV has carved out a presence that means he can't be ignored. In essence, he fails on account of No.6, but is pushing back.

Lady Victoria Hervey  CR-1  ER-0.5    = 1.5/10

Why is she on the programme?  What does she do?  I've heard of her, of course, but then I've also heard of Yosemite Sam, along with Mumps, Grey Goo.  Hmm.  I think she also fails under No.2.

Dom Parker  CR-0.5  ER-2.5    = 3/10

A certain novelty value attaches itself to Dom, whose general approach is permanently mildly amusing.  The fact that Steph is with him gives added interest.  He's only ever sat on a sofa before, holding a drink, to gain some recognition from the public so No.6 applies.  Still, he does 'make a change', even if I doubt there will be calls for him to appear on any more such shows.

Steve-O  CR-3  ER-3    = 6/10

The Jackass is one of the more well-known claimants for 'celebrity' status, and is amusing, if rather weird.  A reasonable addition, then, to the slopes in Austria. Luckily for him the O is not his score.

Joey Essex  CR-3  ER-4    = 7/10

Sadly I have to concede that despite his weak qualifications for celebrity status, his ubiquity, if not relentlessness, gives us no real choice but to accept him as an enigma, and an oddment that is impossible to ignore.

Louise Thompson  CR-1  ER-1    = 2/10

I have never seen her before, but understand she's on a reality show (Made In Chelsea) so just has No.6 from the list.  Seems lovely, but I am as clueless as she is.

Louise Hazel  CR-1  ER-1    = 2/10

Another athlete [so No.1] who has been told she's a celebrity, or worse, believes it. She seems nice, but I am bored now.

Phil Tufnell  CR-2  ER-4    = 6/10

The ex-cricketer, who has for a fair while been on TV and in other shows, is a reasonably safe bet for these things.  He has built up to being accepted now, despite shaky qualifications.

Ashley Roberts  CR-2  ER-2    = 4/10

Fairly likeable, though sometimes dim, Ashley has adopted the UK and appears all over the place now.  Probably worth the overall rating of 4.


It's a funny old world when out of 16 so-called celebrities who are on our screens to entertain us, only 5 get to score 5/10 or above, and no one gets more than 7/10.

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5.2.15 Bolton v Liverpool v Phil Neville

I watched the last 35 minutes of yesterday's FA Cup match between Bolton and Liverpool on BBC1. The score was 0 - 0 and I figured I'd missed nothing of any real interest.  As it happened, I joined the action just in time to see Bolton awarded a dubious penalty, but was unsurprised that it was Martin Skrtel who had been penalised for what might have been one of his few legal challenges on any opponent.

Bolton took the lead from the penalty (notice I did not use the annoying-as-fuck three-letter abbreviation for the spot kick) and a fair number of viewers were pleased to see the underdogs get in front.  By this stage, though, my own enjoyment was almost non-existent, thanks to the atrocious cunting commentary from a wassock by the name of Phil Neville.  I have no idea who is the worst offender out of:

1) the cunt responsible for telling him that he might be good at it;
2) PN himself, for thinking he might be good at it;
3) the BBC for indulging him when he is so blatantly no fucking good at it!

The breathy style of his delivery was simply infuriating, and he clearly is under some sort of misapprehension that this makes him and his utterances sound more exciting.  If he were reading a bedtime story to a four year old, and relaying how the good prince was rushing to the castle to save his princess from the evil clutches of the wicked witch, then perhaps a sentence or two in such a style MIGHT be appropriate, certainly as far as a wide-eyed four-year-old would think.  HOWEVER, I am rather older, am content for the football to provide the entertainment rather than shit cunting narration, and even my reduced portion of 35 minutes of the game was too great a dose of awful commentary.

The action and entertainment on the pitch was ruined by the accompaniment from Phil Neville in the commentary box.  Get it sorted, BBC!  Dispense with his services on the basis of aural abuse.  If that does not carry enough weight, there's always the content to look at.

Offenders

It cannot go unmentioned that Mr Neville is a long way short of proficient in the English language.  I would have thought that such a qualification was preferable for a commentating job.  Perhaps with Alan Shearer leading the way to the prevalence of non-English, there was a path already made for the likes of PN.  I'll relay a couple of examples for you of yesterday's bollocks from Phil:

"He can put himself up with them types of players."

"It's at times like this you want your big players to take the big penalties at the big moments."

One further criticism must be made, regarding Phil's inability to pronounce Steven Gerrard's name properly.  This major issue marks PN out as the only person in the UK unable to deal with "Gerrard", and choosing to stress the second syllable.  I'd say that his approach in referring to Stevie is almost identical to the one appropriate for Olivier Giroud . . . but then I realised he manages to mispronounce his name as well!

In summary, I can only be thankful that I missed the first half of the match, as no doubt I would have exploded at the half time interval after having endured so much shit commentary.  By the way, Liverpool won 2 - 1 while the nation (excluding the deaf) lost in terms of enjoyment.

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3.2.15 Daily Mail Female Farce - February

The Daily Mail has quite simply sunk to levels of pure trash when it comes to reporting on the various and vacuous lives of so-called celebrities and their appearances.  What seems to be an obsession by the DM is made rather worse by the obvious limitations of any real ability within the ranks of employees to relay details without adopting formulaic statements that confirm how fucked-up the world is.  So much attention is paid to women whose incessant cravings for publicity are rewarded on a daily basis.  It is no wonder there are so many women made to feel shit about themselves, with all this going on.  With so much attention devoted to preening prats, there is simply no real hope for normal people.

The following lines are all extracted from the Mail Online details available for just one day's "news" . . today, actually.  See if you can spot the theme, and the pathetic level of reporting/content.


Brooke Burke-Charvet flaunts her incredibly toned legs
Eva Longoria shows off her toned legs
Josie Gibson highlights her trim physique
Gisele Bundchen shows off her lean physique
Adriana Lima shows off enviable legs
Karlie Kloss and Adriana Lima show off their sexy figures
Britney Spears displays her taut curves
Alex Gerrard displays her toned physique
Miranda Kerr flaunts her toned stomach and legs
Charlotte Crosby flaunts her fit and slender figure
Gigi Hadid shows off her incredible figure
Make-up free Elisabetta Canalis shows off her toned figure
Charlotte McKinney flaunts toned torso and ample cleavage
Kim Kardashian posts flashback photo of her toned abs
Lily Allen draws attention to her toned abs
Kelly Brook reveals slimmed down-frame but highlights her ample chest
Kourtney Kardashian debuts amazing post-baby body
Claire Sweeney shows off her post-baby body
Rosamund Pike showcases trim post-pregnancy figure
Courteney Cox showcases her natural complexion
Ellie Goulding showcases her athletic prowess
Millie Mackintosh opts for dramatic slashed-to-the-thigh dress
Emily Ratajkowski takes the plunge in cleavage-baring dress
Paris Hilton flashes her cleavage as she goes braless
Megan Fox flashes her skin in plunging purple gown
Naomi Campbell flashes her underwear and endless legs
Gigi Hadid shows off her incredible beach body

As if all the above were not ample demonstration of a fucked-up world, there is one further headline caption offered by the Mail Online that is simply awful:

Pose with a mirror, keep your chin down and take 300 photos: Kim Kardashian reveals how to take the perfect selfie.

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1.2.15 Shit Grammar of the Month - January

Since their very first days, your baby starts to write their future, and breast feeding provides them with the best start in life.  After some blurb about Aptamil, it continued: It will help your baby today for their tomorrow.

This rubbish shows contamination of the language at a dreadful level.  Other examples of poor English this month have included:

. . . . two players, both of whom who were released . . .  [Football commentator adding a word unnecessarily]

Last minute addendums.  [Lucy Alexander on Homes Under the Hammer, fucking up royally by avoiding the correct plural form, addenda]

Week three of the blind auditions have come to an end.  [Emma Willis on The Voice UK]

Week two of the blind auditions are over.  [Marvin Humes on The Voice UK]

Parents were furious after a class of 11-year-olds were shown a film at school containing nudity and violence.  [Story in The Sun]

To sell your car quick and easy.  [WeBuyAnyCar.Com advert]

It wasn't through lack of opportunity that there were a lack of goal today. [Gaby Logan]

They done that today.  [Eilidh Barbour, on Final Score]
We've spoke about this.  [Eilidh Barbour on Final Score]
They got beat.  [Eilidh Barbour on Final Score]

Contempory.  [Alexander Armstrong, unable to say 'contemporary']

They played fantastic last week.  [Garth Crooks unable to say 'fantastically']

Put it into an area what is dangerous.  [Alan Shearer]

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1.2.15 January - Quotes of the Month

Somebody give this guy a Nobel Peace Prize; he's split the atom with that dive.  [Red Bull Cliff Diving commentator, Andy Shepherd]

I've been in and out in three minutes before.  [TMWSC, talking about getting a haircut!]

Looking takes it out of you.  [TMWSC, feeling tired and overheated after looking everywhere for his mislaid phone.]

You've got to misplace a sausage at some time or another.  [Chris D.]

It was one hundred million per cent her choice.  [Kym Marsh regarding her daughter's participation in The Voice UK and rather upping the stakes]

He gave it a little toe peck.  [Trevor Sinclair]

In and around the last third.  [Trevor Sinclair]

You can have an interludinal sausage.  [TMWSC regarding the eating of a sausage during an interlude]

They were missing their most two influential players.  [Alan Shearer, who else?]

It's enough to give your arsehole a headache.  [Stephen Webb on Gogglebox]

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