30.4.13 Enigmas & 13 Variations

a)  Why is it that on the trivago adverts, the search is only ever for hotel deals in Barcelona?

b)  Why does The co-operative issue tokens for £7 off when you spend £70 because nobody with any sense would spend such a high amount in the place ? / !

c)  The sign in Bradford said "All Day Breakfast" followed by details of what was in one - followed by "Served From 11.30am".  All Day, my arse!

d)  Even when there's a dedicated cycle lane provided, there's still always a cunt who decides to ride two abreast and cause an obstruction for cars. When cycling on a road, it is not your right to be able to chat to someone to your left while wobbling along!

e)  In McDonald's there is an offer detailed in little stand-up cardboard menus under the heading of McCafé to include iced frappés.  The abundance of acute accents is peculiar in that the reference to ingredients being pureéd is missing the accent, so we are served pureed instead.  Be consistent, McDonald's!

f)  It seems there is discrimination prevailing in the 'fashion' world, and some sort of weird celebration of being fat.  Despite the supposed threat to the nation's health and the obvious drawbacks in being a fat cunt, there are retailers who cater for larger sizes while ignoring the needs of ordinary folk, those who are perhaps small and/or slight of frame.  Sadly, jacamo caters for blokes who are "Medium to 5XL".  How fucking tragic and totally pointless that anyone who is a size 'Small' is completely snubbed.  Does this therefore endorse the eating of more doughnuts?  This company is getting jack-shit out of me.  Then for the women we have Marisota, and the limited range - sizes 12-32.  Again, a fact cunt can shop easily while anyone with a healthy size 8 or size 10 body is ignored.  No, Coleen, I am not interested in your new "Coleen Nolan" range - I've got a tent.  Finally, going one better than that (well two, actually) is Simply Be which offers clothes for women in the 14-32 range. Disgusting discrimination.  Is this company's full name "Simply Be Big" or "Simply Be Fat" perhaps?  Finally, have a look at the website, and you'll find nothing being modelled by anyone over a 14 or maybe a 16 at the most! Simply how two-faced or double-fuckin'-chinned can you Be?

g)  This pot of chewing gum is available by the tills in the Cunt-op from a massive cardboard point-of-sale monstrosity which states: "Great For The Car". I am no expert but I am pretty sure that chewing gum does fuck all for automobiles.  Perhaps dumb fucks who drive them might consider a pot of gum as an essential travelling companion, to explain the ludicrous slogan from Wrigley's.  Whatever the motivation, I am struggling to see how a white pot of gum is the answer to the country's problems.  Rather, I believe it's the presence of chewing gum in ludicrous quantities that's making the country a fucking mess.  Disposal of gum is now scandalously uncontrolled and awful. Why does the pot have to resemble something you're more likely to get on prescription from Lloyds Pharmacy?  I reckon some boffins in the Wrigley's lab have championed health benefits and the marketing department staff have wet themselves over the link.  Don't brush your teeth, just chew our gum instead.  I would also like to know when the new fucking units of measurement were adopted in the UK.  We used to have imperial, and so I'd expect multiples of 5,6,12 or even 20.  The country went decimal in the 70s, and this gave us numbers which are more round.  Why then is it appropriate to sell containers holding "46 pieces" when that number has no relevance? - - - - other than it's one of the balls inside Guinevere [a reference to the National Lottery, not the sexual habits of the Queen consort of King Arthur].

h)  Why exactly does Chloe Madeley think we are interested in her, or interested in seeing pictures of her?

i)  How on earth can people be so stupid?  In the news a few weeks ago was the latest story of a doctor taking the piss with a patient - allegedly.  I am not sorry to reveal that I found the whole thing hilarious; just listen to the opening line.  "A woman went to hospital with a bad back - and a groping physiotherapist rubbed cream into her boobs."  The prosecutor said: "As he began to massage her groin area she was having serious doubts about what was going on."  No shit!

j)  Redcar & Cleveland Borough Council, has clearly got too much cash. Why else would it decide to install a metal barrier on a one-mile stretch of road that does not fucking need it?  Yes, on the A174 there is a dual carriageway that's been functioning rather effectively for decades.  I have not seen, in the twelve years that I've been using it, a single instance of a vehicle mounting the kerb of the central reservation, crossing the green grass and ploughing into a vehicle going the other way.  However, some bright spark has decided that now is the time to spend stupid amounts of money to plant steel in the central grass area.  Fucking madness. Anyway, I must go - it's time for me to erect some anti-slip material throughout my house, and out into the garden, and a barrier in the front garden in case a lorry needs to be 'deflected' when it mounts the kerb on the way to visiting my front room.

k)  I think someone ought to tell "women of a certain age" that an aisle in Sainsbury's is most definitely NOT a meeting place and a spot for idle chit-chat.  Fuck off to a coffee morning in someone's house or the local church hall! The last time I was shopping there, I was approached by a chap from Eastern Europe, as I got out of my car.  He had a small barrow and was, along with a fair few others, washing cars.  I was feeling benevolent, and the car was hardly clean, so I asked how much, expecting £5.  When I heard him mumble "Eight pounds" I was flabbergasted.  I know Sainsbury's is deemed slightly higher in the supermarket pecking order, but eight quid for a man with a bucket in the bottom of a barrow to smear my car was outrageous!  Where's the fucking 'price match' coupon for that?

l)  Back to Redcar & Cleveland Borough Council, and the complete fuck-up of Redcar's seafront.  After many millions of pounds have been spent on refurbishing the promenade, the EDF Energy windfarm has fucked up the view forever.

Can someone explain why the hell it makes sense to improve the seafront, and then ruin it at the same time. The ludicrous 'Beacon' is something that looks like a car park that's been through a car crusher; what do you think? Surely the most ugly heap of shite you've ever seen?  Is there supposed to be some benefit in climbing this thing and looking out to sea, when all that's there is a 'sea of turbines'?

m)  Why is it that a wet cuff doesn't dry?  Wet Cuff Syndrome is something that afflicts the washer-up and creates immense frustration.  A wet cuff will not dry out, and a change of clothes is the only remedy.

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22.4.13 ITV Nausea

ITV is suffering severely from being up its own arse.  There is quite simply an obsession with self-promotion, and it is most definitely nauseating.  If it's not Trever McFuckingDonald narrating an overlong sequence of clips, and ending with: "ITV - where life lives" then it's one of the other versions that tell us it's where something else lives.  "Tedium" and "repetition" would be the best two potential trailers, although of course ITV would air them continually, proving the accuracy of the content in the process.

Late in the evenings, it is not uncommon to be watching a film and find that the "Oh so essential" break was filled with trailers for ITV programmes and no fucking adverts!  Yet more proof that things are amiss at ITV.  I am sick of the build-up phase where forthcoming programmes are rammed down our throats with clips that are played thousands of times.  Recent examples have included Scott & Bailey, and Endeavour.  A while back is was Mr Selfridge.  For the last two weeks it's been Vicious.

Thank heavens Broadchurch has finished now.  Yes it was good, but ITV thinks it is 'God' and it has been dictating to the UK all week that there would be 'closure' tonight.  As soon as the credits rolled, the announcer advised that if we directed our attention to Facebook and Twitter, we would see an extra feature!  Sheer lunacy, if you ask me.  Next week at 9pm, the Broadchurch slot will be filled by a new sitcom called Vicious, for which we've seen numerous trailers - two old queens and a load of canned laughter at what I predict will be pure shite.

The main positive thing about the airing of Broadchurch by ITV was that the series was not sponsored by anyone.  Thus, we were saved the annoyance of listening to niggling touts for some or other product.  This is something that was not adopted in respect of the airing of Endeavour, where last night's two hour feature included sixteen reminders of the fucking fact that "Viking River Cruises sponsors mystery dramas on ITV".  Actually, it was not much of a mystery last night; I said to Mrs MWSC just twenty seconds after his appearance on screen that it was the profiler who should be arrested - the one who turned out to be the murderer.

So, ITV has lost the plot completely, and has (with the exception of Broadchurch) allowed everything to be sponsored, including the weather, the hay fever alerts that will start to appear soon, and every programme other than news bulletins.  I would also like to note the following general observations regarding adverts and tosspot companies who annoy me, and ITV's misjudged consent for shit on television.  "ITV - where tedium and repetition live"

1 - I don't have a fucking Dolmio day!

2 - Stop fucking singing, Halifax!

3 - The word 'technology' should be banned in all adverts for beauty products.

4 - Why the fuck did Garnier ask only 50 women about its new Body Oil, and why did just thirty-seven-and-a-half women agree it was any good? [75%]

5 - Please, please, please - ban fucking meerkats!

...

22.4.13 Recent News Items

John Terry

He refused to shake hands with the FA chief David Bernstein on Friday, in the pettiest attempt to get revenge.  JT was of course found guilty of racially abusing Anton Ferdinand by the FA, and so is rather unhappy with Mr Bernstein.  I suggest that JT is a bitter and rather horrible individual.  I am sure you have already made up your own mind as to whether he is perhaps a white version of what he was exposed as having said to Anton.

Councils

The Labour council in Durham was revealed as having spent £12,000 on an annual clothing allowance for a couple of people to 'look smart' - whilst cutting expenditure by £200million by 2018.  Hypocritical?  Self-serving?  Oh yes! Meanwhile, in the Cotswolds, Tories were spending £19,000 on a "motivational magician" for fuck's sake!

Compensation Claims

As ever, there have been stories confirming details of payouts that defy logic and defy explanation, especially relating to those involving schools.  £50,000 for a pupil who hurt his hand climbing a gate (his own fucking fault) while another received £6,000 for cutting his leg when sliding down a handrail (his own fucking fault).  One got £12,500 after falling while climbing a tree (his own fucking fault) and one even got £2,500 after pricking a thumb on a needle (own fucking fault or what?).  The sharp-eyed amongst you will have seen a common theme in the claims detailed.  I suspect there are parents now training their kids to be thick cunts who do daft things and collect loads of money.  When they grow up, they can enter the police force where it's now apparently acceptable to maintain this approach, and start suing anyone who calls upon them for help.  'Tripping into a drain' is apparently worth £10,000 in compensation, according to the case being brought by PC Richard Seymour after an alleged mishap in the line of duty.  The claim is mostly for 'loss of overtime', a complete joke you might think, especially considering while off work for six months he was on full pay!  What a country we live in!

Geri Halliwell

It seems the dozy doll decided to tweet and refer to Mrs Thatcher as the "first lady of girl power", which is probably true although the pathetic concept of 'girl power' does not deserve continued reference, and I suspect Geri felt duty bound to say giddy-up to the bandwagon.  Some fans (apparently there are indeed some of them left) had a go at her for her tweet, and so she removed it. What a wimp; how pathetic you are Geri, and your subsequent apologies and acknowledgement did nothing to undo that view.

Electronic Tag

What's the fucking point of making someone face charges and finding them guilty if the sentence is not carried out on grounds that are weaker than a wafer under the weight of a brick?  Sophie Dalzell trashed a man's car and then failed to complete her community service.  Her excuse for this failure was that she'd had a boob job.  She refused to have the electronic tag fitted.  Her appeal was allowed, after she claimed that it would stop her doing modelling work.  Just for the record, this 'modelling' is actually featuring on an adult chat channel and Sophie's plea was "who would want to see me wearing a tag?"  Well, the first answer to that is "no one", whether you are tagged or not.  The second possible answer is that anyone desperate enough to look at you is not really interested in your ankles and whether a tag is loitering just above one of them! Magistrates allowed her to walk free, proving that as ever, the UK is simply NOT the place in the world where justice is dealt out, and that some of the wetness of people in office is unbelievable.  Of equal bafflement is the reason she gave for not completing her community service; "They sent me to a workshop where I had to mend bikes, and I was the only girl there, and all the men were perverts touching me and leering at me."  Says the woman who works as a supposed 'babe' so that men can leer at her.

Foreign Aid

It is quite simply appalling that the UK has for years been giving ludicrous amounts of money to India, when India spends million, in fact billions, on all sorts of inappropriate things while its citizens suffer awful lives.  How can it be right that there are millions in complete poverty, yet the government does nothing about it, while taking money from the UK?  Then we see last week the pictures of a small girl, Runa Begum, who at 16 months has a head that's ballooned because she's suffering from hydrocephalus.  The £1000 cost of an operation has been beyond her father who earns £1,79 per day.  Shame on you, India, for not doing the right thing for your people.  As for the UK, it would be better serving the people of India if money was handed directly to those in need, and not channelled to the Indian government.

Postman's Sentence

How can it be right to give just eight months as a prison sentence to a postman who: buried more than 29,000 letter, burned over 400 other items, and dumped even more on a canal path?  The pathetic excuse offered by his lawyer was that Jabur Hissan "was finding it hard to keep up with his rounds" - wtf? The sentence means that the actual time served will be between 2 and 4 months.  Right, so well over 30,000 individual misdemeanors count for little. That's a day in jail at taxpayers' expense for every 600 letters buried, dumped or burned.  No real deterrent then.

Luis Suarez

At last we've seen him put his teeth to use in the Premier League.  It was only a matter of time before these tombstones were employed to chomp at flesh on the football field.  The thing is, whatever the FA decides to do about it by way of fine and ban, there's no getting away from the fact that the incident is more surprising than actually dangerous.  I suppose he'll be banned, quite rightly, for a number of games and I have no sympathy at all for this cynical player whose history shows he's more than ready to cheat.  However, I see challenges that could end a player's career and the offender gets at worst a red card and three-match ban.  When players go in with studs on shins and ankles, there is less outrage.  I think it's fair to say that the world of football is actually well and truly fucked up now.  On Sunday I watched an edition of The Big Match from February 4th 1979.  It highlighted the differences between then and now.  The state of the pitches was shocking and some of the camerawork was below standard, but in all other respects it was a far better time for football.  The funniest incident was when a chap in a brown suit wandered into the middle of the pitch (Middlebrough v Nottingham Forest) and calmly told the referee what he thought of him, before wandering off to the touchline again, where a bobby in a helmet and NO hi-vis attire guided the 'fan' away.  So low-key that it was simply hilarious.

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21.4.13 Antique Hunt - This Week's TV

Antiques

Looking at my TV Guide, I am in some despair at the offerings served up by the main channels.  If I had my way, the plethora of shows aimed at secondhand shit would be replaced.  Gone would be Flog It! and Antiques Road Trip, along with Bargain Hunt and Dickinson's Real Deal.  Instead, I would have a single show and would elect the name that some (boring) bright spark must have thought unwise.  Yes, the new show should be called Antique Hunt.  You'll of course not be able to say this without actually saying "Anti Cunt" unless you have a severe speech impediment.  It would also introduce some irony, if considered as 'Auntie Cunt', the formal form of address for 'The Beeb'.

Coast & Trains

Surely there must be no more coast left to be explored?  'Coast' seems to have gone on forever!  I suppose we are stuck with the team in the same way that we are stuck with Michael Portillo, who manages to find no end of fucking trains to catch.  Why can't Portillo catch a coastal train and take these twats with him; that could remove one programme; they can fight over which one is dropped.

Morrisons

Rather than endure the nauseating 'sponsored by Morrisons' shit that pops up in each of the very many Britain's Got Talent advert breaks, I'd like to see a new reality gameshow.  The format would be to take a busload of Morrisons shoppers (in other words slow-moving grey-haired folk who've no clue that they are a hazard) and drop them off in the centre of London.  This would be hilarious to watch, as they fuck about, wander out into the middle of the road, just as they loiter in the centre of aisles, and one by one they'd simply be eliminated - a variation on Hunger Games, I think.  I am sad to say no one has beaten me to it, and this programme [called Morrisons Drop, with Davina McCall hosting] is sadly NOT in the TV listings.  I continue to wait with great expectation.

Great British / British

Another fucking waste of space that uses these words.  We've had the British Menu, the Bake Off, Railway Journeys and other shite, and now we've got 'Sewing Bee' where some sewing is judges, and people can go on bastard 'journeys' and be 'challenged'.  Then there's "Rory Bremners Great British Views", apparently 'panoramic' rather than political or comedic.  Yawn.

Embarrassing Bodies

The depths of television entertainment are dredged this week, with Embarrassing Bodies: Live from the Clinic including what is described as - "a live smear test and a consultation with a urologist."  That certainly is taking the piss and in poor taste.  Hopefully there's no overlap with Antique Cunt.

Food

What's Cooking?  Come Dine With Me.  Hairy Bikers' Best of British.  Great British Menu.  Chefs: Put Your Menu Where Your Mouth Is.  Paul Hollywood's Bread.  Food Glorious Food.  Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares USA.  Masterchef.  The Great British Regurgitation of Shite and Shit In Shovels Show.  And all these exclude the Baker Boys, Rick Stein, Gary Rhodes, Nigella, Gino, Worrall Thompson, Mary Berry, Jamie Oliver, Ainsley - to name but a very few.

1001 Things You Should Know

This is the most dire waste of space ever, and its existence defies all logic and nature itself.  Why has this come back for a second sitting?  Forget 1000 things and remember just ONE - not to watch this crap.

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21.4.13 Driving Me Mad

Roundabouts

What the hell are drivers taking these days?  Whatever the illicit substance is, a side effect is that they lose all fucking sense of 'common' when it comes to negotiating roundabouts, and they completely ditch everything they were ever taught when learning to drive.  There are four cuntish things that crop up with regularity.  There are many others that are less common.  I am annoyed when I see people:

1 - Approaching and then joining the roundabout using the left-hand lane whilst turning fucking right!  They glide round the outside of the roundabout, oblivious to the havoc they wreak.  Fucking zombies.

2 - Looking at me like I'm the cunt, after they have blocked my own exit from the roundabout after following the approach identified in 'No.1' above.

3 - Exiting a roundabout on to a duel carriageway such that they are instantly in the fast lane whilst having insufficient speed to qualify for being there!  This creates the stupid position whereby they are then panicking about moving to the left but can't because that's where I am, or I am just about to be.  The panic stops them putting down a right foot on to a pedal and instead causes consternation, and worse, 'dithering'.  The end result is that I am forced to: (a) Undertake them, or (b) wait for fucking ages, after slowing down, so they can move left and get into the lane in which they should have exited the roundabout!

4 - Approaching a roundabout, with the right indicator flashing.  This suggests, as per the Highway Code, that the driver is intending to turn right. Finding that the cunt was actually intent on going straight on is infuriating.  For some strange reason, there's a weird phenomenon whereby some drivers think you have to signal right until you pass the exit before the one you want to take, at which point you then signal left.  This is of course cuntin' bollocks and has never been the rule!


Coaches & Buses

Drivers have the annoying habit of trying to manipulate things so that their fellow drivers-of-long-people-carrying-things get to pull out.  So it was that on Friday, I was forced to stop on a 40 mph road at the bottom of a dip and on a bend, because an Arriva bus had simply stopped, and was letting out from a side road a car followed by a coach followed by another Arriva bus.  Cunt.

Much worse had arisen earlier in the day.  A coach had decided to park up and wait (no idea what for, but I suppose this sort of thing is occasionally necessary).  The issue I had was the driver's chosen location to sit and wait.  Between Whitby and Scarborough, on the single carriageway A171:

a) on the fucking road, leaving just one metre of lane
b) on a bend
c) with double white lines in the centre of the road
d) at the top of a hill
e) at the intersection with a side track

In fact, this complete piece of cuntism represented the most ill-advised and ludicrous place to stop any vehicle, let alone a fucking great coach, that I have ever seen in my life!  The lorry in front of me had difficulty passing, as did I with an ever lower viewpoint.  Looking forward and right and down from behind a coach in a section of road that's officially 30 mph (just for the bend) in a national speed limit area is not easy, with cars keeping momentum as the come up the hill from the other direction and threatening to squash my bonnet into my face.  I could only sound the horn as I passed.  If I'd be in a JCB I might have been tempted to hoik the coach over the edge into a field.


Caravans

Enough said.


Farm Implements On Wheels

Finally, there should be a law that says slow-moving 'meccano' should have to make regular stops to let driver pass by.  They should of course be made to stop in a lay-by or off-road (and not where stupid coach drivers deem it acceptable to stop) and give those wishing to travel above jogging pace the chance to avoid detention!  Alas, it is all to common to have cars snaking behind a weird metal contraption that probably sucks the seeds out of pomegranates before the pulp becomes jam, or ties sunflowers into bales.

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19.4.13 Apostrophe Hell

There's not much to be said about this 4ft x 4ft sign I saw yesterday.  I despair.

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17.4.13 Hungry Heroes

Sorry, Carol Vorderman, but you have annoyed me no end with your poncy voice-overs and presenting, on "Food Glorious Food" this evening.  Three cooks were trying to make it to the final, and tonight had to cook for and be judged by - according to you - 'Hungry Heroes'.  This term was used at least four times, and doing so was quite simply inappropriate and incorrect.

First, I wonder what all these members of the emergency services had to do to be available for the programme.  One hundred and sixty people from the emergency services (all from 'the north', apparently) were able to sit and eat portions of three main dishes and vote on which was best.  Hmmm.  As for designating them en masse as heroes, Carol has simply cocked up.  Once, they were instead referred to by her as "Lifesavers" (which in the USA would mean Polo mints) when there is no evidence at all that they could be described thus.  To see a lollipop man putting a piece of paper in a ballot box to vote on which he preferred, Chicken tikka, chicken korma or profiteroles, hardly conjures up images of heroism!  Members of the emergency services (including lollipop people and who knows what other disciplines - maybe milk monitors?) are not exclusively wanting of good food nor do they own the rights to heart appetites; they are simply people doing a job - period.

To decide that anyone in the emergency services counts automatically as a hero is farcical.  It's akin to twats who deem that anyone who kicks a football around on a pitch is a celebrity, and that the term 'National Treasure' is suitable for the fucking likes of, for example, Bruce Forsythe, Trevor McDonald, Cheryl Cole, Cliff Richard, Barbara Windsor, to name but a few of those who most definitely are NOT 'National Treasures'.

Where on earth do these ideas come from?  I am sick of 'celebrity', whether it's a celebrity version of something or other rather than a normal programme, or whether it's the complete misuse of the term when the people thus labelled are has-beens, nobs or even cunts.  I am also sick of fucking food, journeys, challenges, high stakes, delayed announcements of results, judges up their own arses, and anyone using the terms 'life-changing' or 'take it to the next level'.

The commentary tonight included the line: "Finally the last of the tikkas reached the tables."  As if I gave a cuntin' fuck, and it might as well have been "the last of the Mohicans" - I reckon no one would have noticed anyway.  The profiteroles were made by "Miss G" who, in case you're in any way interested, was a bloke despite the outfit, and s/he came second with her efforts.

Food Glorious Food.  Yawn, Yawn, Yawn.

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15.4.13 Money, Money, Money

Santander

Sorry, but I am fed up of seeing Jessica Ennis, Jenson Button and Rory McIlroy on TV telling me how I can get some interest.  As if for a fucking second we believe these three have any interest themselves in Santander or the products being touted.  No, all the money they are raking in is squirreled away in offshore accounts and is most probably arranged in such a way as to avoid paying tax.  A Santander 123 account is therefore irrelevant to them.  I am pleased that Rory knows how to eat an apple, but less pleased that the interest rate available to savers might go up 0.1% should this bloke win a game of 'knocking a little ball into a hole with a stick'.

Confused.com

No, I am far from confused, thank you.  Never have I been clearer about anything than I will NEVER use this company, one that sings at me in an infuriating way.  It is as annoying as the fucking Halifax.

Halifax

"I'll Be There" is perhaps the worst bit of news ever broadcast (well, sung actually) and I welcome the day when they shut the fuck up.  Also, rather than tout competitions, include a draw for £250,000, why doesn't this company with a rather disastrous history of managing money stick to banking services and not losing billions.

RBS

No, I am not referring to Rihanna, Bieber & Swift, the pathetic trio of music performers who are simply ghastly, but the Royal Bank of Scotland which included within it the NatWest Bank.  This is the organisation hell bent on offering advice when its own history shows it couldn't handle a kid's pocket money properly.  "Helpful Banking" my arse!

The Martin Lewis Money Show

I saw this (I think between episodes of Coronation Street) and wish I'd invested the half hour in watching paint dry, which would have been more helpful, educational and entertaining.  Talk about act like a twat, engage in stupid exchanges and sketches with a female sidekick who was clearly just pleased to be on telly despite exercising no skill or intellect.  This dire offering from ITV laboured a point about moving money between credit cards and treated the viewers like they were thick as fuck.  As for trying to shop around and save a few quid on American hotels by gambling on which one a particular auction site would select for the promised bid, it was pathetic.  Most people bothering to go to the USA would rather like to know where they are staying, and not gamble.  Plus, the homework necessary to prepare to bid and benefit from the weird system Martin devised was over the top.  I won't be watching this tosh again, and will instead have a tin of paint at the ready.

Admiral

Sorry, but whatever your claims to be wonderful, especially with multi-car insurance, I have only ever found your quotes to be stupidly more than other companies' offers.  Perhaps you can stop advertising and knock some money off the charges, eh?

HSBC

Will someone please tell that girl to fuck off with her lemonade, and do some homework.  The corny bollocks that sees her now travelling the work and franchising the business is just crap.  I can't say I've ever seen anyone queue up for a glass of lemonade, and the economics of distributing fruit and or drinks to kids worldwide for sale to passing coachloads of tourists is simply silly.  What about trading licences, insurance, health & safety and all the other red tape that fucks up any retail business?

MoneySupermarket.com

No, not so much "Epic" as a right fucking pain in the arse.  Note - is there anyone left who can still save £400 on car insurance?

CompareTheMarket.com

Meerkats?  Just small annoying cunts.  I have had enough, thank you - it's that fucking simple!

Go Compare

Go fuck off.

Liverpool Victoria

Dum-diddy-dum-diddy, dumb dumb bollocks.

Direct Line

Too many adverts and some sharp practices in renewal premium setting - see my post last week.

NFU

The National Farmers Union - what's farming got to do with me?

Lloyds TSB

For the journey?  What journey?  'Journey' is the most overused and inappropriately used word that's thrown about these days.  Whoever in the Lloyds marketing department thought that one up ought to be put to sleep.

...

14.4.13 Factoids and Comments

The Greatest Lies of All Time

1 - "The World is flat"  [Various]

2 - "There are Weapons of Mass Destruction"  [Tony Blair]

3 - "Sale Must End Sunday"  [DFS]


Translation - Football Speak

1 - Actual:  "We lacked a little bit of quality in the final third"
1 - Means: "We were shit when it came to scoring"

2 - Actual:  "We'll take the positives"
2 - Means: "We lost"

3 - Actual:  "Basic fundamentals, strength in depth, stonewall penalty"
3 - Means: "Alan Hansen is a twat"


People With Funny Names

1 - Bert Puttock  [Featured in the Daily Mail news]

2 - Seb Emina  [Featured in the Daily Mail news]

3 - Eimer Mhaoldomhnaigh  [Costume designer on the film, The Guard]


Greatest Questions of Our Time

1 - What exactly is a foraged sea vegetable and why would you eat one?  [GBM]

2 - How do you forage a sea bass?  [Great British Menu again]

3 - Was it "Helpful Banking" when the NatWest lost billions of pounds, then?

4 - Why the fuck should I have to collect vouchers at supermarkets?

5 - Why, why, WHY does the Halifax have to sing everything?

6 - Why in Morrisons is 1kg of rice £1.22 and a 2kg packet £2.49?

7 - What is so very wrong with being pear-shaped that it is used critically?

8 - Why do most car parking spaces leave no room for doors to be opened?

9 - What is so very wrong about 'youth in Asia', then?


Advice

We are constantly hit with pathetic advice and cautionary notes because it is now the norm.  We cannot be trusted to make any decisions ourselves, to weigh up risks, or exercise common sense.  On the radio, I was recently invited to participate in a pointless competition, and I listened to the phone number being given out, with the standard warnings about getting the bill payer's permission, followed by "you can also text, if it's safe to do so" and advice on how to do this.  IF IT IS SAFE TO DO SO - wtf?  That applies to everything in fucking life.  Will Greg Wallace on Masterchef shortly be telling contestants: "Right people, you have one hour; get cooking, if it is safe to do so."  Pathetic and pointless advice is everywhere now.


Double Standards

During the Six Nations rugby tournament, I read an article in which players' wives were shown, highlighting how some of the players had bagged themselves glamorous partners, and I was struck with one particular comment regarding Florence Szarzewski..  "Florence is married to French hooker Dimitri" was a sentence that would not have been acceptable if the roles were reversed!  


Cravendale

I followed a lumbering lorry, and tried to slow my heart rate down to the speed of the fucking vehicle to stave off turmoil at being stuck on a small road behind a ludicrously large delivery lorry.  As it pulled out on to a main road, turning right, I was able to see the slogan across the enormous side - "Cravendale - The Milk Matters".  Sorry, but is DOESN'T matter that much!  How many fucking pints were being dropped off at the local (small) supermarket that meant it was appropriate to use something on 18 wheels that could hold many thousands of pints?  There is clearly some disillusion in the management at Cravendale.  Yes, milk does matter to a point, but whether it's Cravendale or not, I don't give a flying (or driving) fuck.

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12.4.13 Mrs Thatcher

There are some vile people around, and some nasty people - and of course some real cunts.  Whatever the case, no one can argue that Maggie was anything other than a good leader, and a different breed from the spineless, self-serving arseholes who claim expenses these days.  To blame, as some do, Mrs Thatcher for all of today's problems rather ignores the fact that there were over 13 years during which Labour could have done numerous things - other than completely squander the country's resources, self off our gold at the lowest market price for two decades, raid the pension funds, grant licences to mobile operators to gain billions etc.  It all meant that by the time the credit crunch arrived, we were fucking skint; that's a rather different picture from 1997 when Blair inherited a golden situation.

As for representing Britain in the best possible way, Mrs T was one of the best. It's a sad fact that Blair has put most effort in representing himself, after leaving office.  Brown was pointless, Miliband is a dud,  None of them have the balls to do the job.  As for this week's display by the horrendous Glenda Jackson, words fail me.

A Real Stateswoman

A Real State

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11.4.13 Highway Maintenance Worker

What a complete arsehole I encountered on Tuesday.  When I say 'encountered', it could just have easily been 'killed', assuming I'd not died myself in the incident.

I was driving along, minding my own business, and was doing 70mph on the motorway.  Having overtaken a slow vehicle in the slow lane, I was still in the middle lane when I saw up ahead, on the hard shoulder, I pick-up and two men in high visibility work wear, loitering.  So far, nothing particularly unusual, not even the fact that one of the maintenance workers was holding a spade.

Then, for some fucking reason, the bloke with the spade decided to trot out into the motorway.  I thought he was making a dash to the central reservation, and I knew he would never make it.  He ran from the hard shoulder, and I considered that there was no possible outcome other than I was going to hit him; I prepared to swerve - doing 70mph!

The cunt got to the edge of the slow lane, and dropped something on his spade on to the road, about three feet into the middle lane, turned and withdrew as I drove over the exact place where his spade had been a fraction of a second earlier.  I do not know how I managed not to hit him, or managed not to swerve and kill myself avoiding this irresponsible cunt.  This was one of the most unbelievable driving experiences in all of the 32 years I've been driving. 'Flabbergasted' does not do justice to my complete dismay and fucking fury!  I almost wanted to turn around and rugby tackle the fucker.  Talk about stupid.

I have no idea why he did what he did, why the tiniest pothole needed attending to in such a manner, and why this worker did not wait for a proper gap in the traffic.  The 20 feet that I missed him by sounds quite a lot - but NOT at 70mph.  That means I was travelling at 102 feet per second, and so I missed him (and possible death/deaths) by one fifth of a second.

Scary.

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8.4.13 With Ryanair, Nothing's Fair

The dire state of the Ryanair menu and the horrendous prices associated with the food and drink on offer is hardly news.  I do, though, feel it is worth highlighting just how bad things are.  'Value for money' is an alien concept for Ryanair; in fact, as well as VFM being missing completely, the quality of the food is non-existent as well.

It is sadly the case that the liquids are sold at outrageous prices.  I have transposed the information from the Ryanair menu and the table below gives the true cost per litre of the drinks available on board.  There's no mistaking the scale of the rip-off.  For bench marking, I've included details on the prices available at Asda for the same products.  Okay, the small quantities per serving on the plane mean higher pro-rata prices, but nevertheless, the picture is dismal.  A litre of vodka works out at 110 Euros.  What's even more alarming is that the exchange rate means that's £110 because in the world of Ryanair, nothing's fair.  Ha!  I like that and so have just renamed this post to mirror this sentiment.

On my last flight, I wanted some food and there were some offers that meant food at 3 Euros instead of 5 Euros.  Needless to say that when the chap came down the aisle with pen and paper to take orders for hot food, there was so little in stock that none of the items on offer was available, and the choice was limited to nuggets, chips or a hot dog.  I bought some chips and it is for this reason that the eagle-eyed among you will notice chips listed in the table.  Of course they are not a liquid, but there's every reason to highlight the excessive charges that applied to what turned out to be the most meager portion of vile tasting microwave chips that I've ever encountered.  So, where I thought water at more than four times the price of petrol would prove to be the worst buy, it turned out to be the chips that were the villains of the skies - behind Ryanair itself, of course.

Chips as 10.31 Euros is hardly a bargain.  I calculated this through assessing the volume of chip served within the box.  There were, for my 3.50 Euros, 26 chips, each with a cross section at approximately 1cm x 1cm.  The typical length of these limp pieces of potato was in the region of 33mm.  Now, there were a few smaller ones that would have struggled to be called chips in an identity parade, and perhaps six or so that could claim to be about an inch/25mm longer.  That means, based on a litre being 1000 cubic centimetres, that 3x10x10 chips could be contained in one litre.  Put another way, that's 101.82 metres of chip.  This produces a litre price of 10.31 Euros. In reality, the content of the order was probably less, as the chips were not so much truncated to maximise girth for their full length, as prone to taper, which would of course reduce the chip volume.  It is safe to say that the maximum theoretical chip volume was a third of a litre at best.  I suspect the true volume was actually more likely to have been as little as a quarter of a litre, pushing the price per litre to 14 Euros.

Anyway, I would urge all travellers firstly to avoid Ryanair, and secondly (assuming failure on the first suggestion) to avoid buying the chips.

NB: The claimed portion size by weight is 100g.  Assuming the volume of the chips is at 0.25 litres rather than my over-generous 0.33 litres, then that would give us the means to log the density - 0.4g per cubic centimetre of chip.  I will need to make further enquiries to see just how this compares with McCain's version.

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8.4.13 March Quotes of the Month

1   -  "Is that Automatic Kitten?"  [Sue S, referring to Atomic Kitten on The Reunion on TV]

2   -  "Wristwear by Sekonda."  [TV advert.  Fuck off!  It's a watch, not a bloody bangle!]

3   -  "I'm a complete alpha male, but some people misinterpretate that."  [Contestant on Come Dine With Me]

4   -  "You can have that if you can get your tongue in there."  [Sue S, ref custard in the serving dish given to Genie - Note: Genie is a dog]

5   -  "Techniques is an overused term, by people who want to promote some shit."  [TMWSC]

6   -  "For some reason I'm verging towards Chile."  [Contestant on In It To Win It]

7   -  "We've had a lot of bad media."  [Illiterate twat on Match of the Day]

8   -  "So, Ireland lose that game of tennis."  [Rugby commentator - Italy v Ireland]

9   -  "I think last week set a very high barometer."  [Rugby commentator, Six Nations competition]

10 -  "I want something knocking on the door of special."  [Greg Wallace, Masterchef]

11 -  "Much better on the drizzle."  [Greg, again, talking bollocks]

12 -  "No, it's Battery Operated Dog."  [TMWSC, answering Sue's question - see first quote]

13 -  "Look, you can see it's minging all round the toes."  [Sue S, ref second hand Crocs for sale on Ebay]

14 -  "Tottenham defended unbelievable today."  [Sol Campbell, avoiding an adverb]

15 -  "It's been well cherished."  [Twat on Flog It! qualifying 'cherished' without need]

16 -  "GPS co-ordinants."  [Thick twat on The Common Denominator]

17 -  "Who's Pele?  I thought it were a pasta sauce."  [Thick twat again, being a Common Denominator]

18 -  "Creator of an alternate universe."  [Dell advert, which should have said 'alternative']

19 -  "I've come for a little bit of tranquil peace and quiet."  [Great British Menu]

20 -  "I'm just redoing them again."  [Great British Menu contestant, ref his second batch]

21 -  "The sale of beefburgers have fallen to 47%."  [Daily Mail website]

22 -  "Y-Fronts are where you unravel your dick out of a hole."  [TMWSC]

23 -  "The funnyman is aiming to get into the Guinness Book of World Records for the most number of questions on a TV chat show."  [Daily Mail TV Guide]

24 -  "Roman General after Roman General have been despatched."  [Kevin Day, Match of the Day 2]

25 -  "It's nice to see a big hole that's supposed to be there!"  [TMWSC]

26 -  "On those used set of tyres."  [Grand Prix commentator, displaying no awareness of grammar]

27 -  "They need to be rootless."  [Roy Keane, trying to say 'ruthless']

28 -  "They are the type of game you need to get through."  [Gary Neville, being inarticulate]

29 -  "You've got a very strong lead."  [An understatement by Nick on Countdown, regarding the 84-7 score]

30 -  "We made it ourself."  [One of the members of One Direction]

31 -  "Round and round they go."  [Scintillating commentary from Alan Dedicoat on the Lottery draw]

32 -  "Not a lot gets past my arse."  [Sue S]

33 -  "How many's dead in there?"  [Eric, asking about Casualty on TV, with morbid interest]

34 -  "I'm not watching, I'm looking."  [Eric, again, clarifying his TV activity]

35 -  "It's almost incalcuble."  [Illiterate narrator on The Queen]

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6.4.13 Shocking Wait - Call Centre

Today I called Direct Line, and waiting for twelve minutes before abandoning my attempt to speak to someone about my car insurance renewal.  I just needed to make one (beneficial) amendment, and get a final price before looking around.  I considered that £284 was not very cheap for a 1.0 litre car considering a 5-year no claims bonus and no extras like legal cover, hire car, or insured no claims.  Also, with a £250 excess and £75 windscreen excess, I was wanting to challenge the cost.  I was, however, not that hopeful, after last year, Admiral was £50 more than Direct Line.

The annoying hold messages while my brain cells fidgeted were simply winding me up, and so I aborted the call and went to the website.  I entered the rather simple details in the 'get a quote' facility, and was amazed to see £179 displayed as my premium.  I called again.  After a 'magical' eleven-and-a-half minutes [I'm being sarcastic] I got to speak to someone.  On this call, I had mistakenly assumed a speedier response after selecting the option relating to "thinking about cancelling your policy" and it's clear that the slow response is unilateral.  This time, though, the wait was going to be worthwhile - £105 saved - 37% less than the 'renewal' rate !!!

I explained, and was pleased to get confirmation from the woman that she would be able to match the Direct Line website quote - noble, indeed, eh?  I changed the expected mileage and she confirmed the website price of £160 I'd established some fifteen minutes earlier.

So, if the call centre response had not been atrocious, I'd not have gone online to get a quote.  I'd intended to look around anyway, but would not have included Direct Line in the shopping exercise.  As it is, I've got a good result, but no thanks for any (intentional) input by Direct Line.  Luckily their dodgy tactics were foiled because of an awful call response and it serves them right.

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6.4.13 Miserable Morrisons

What a shitty, miserable experience, shopping at Morrisons.  Actually, today's visit was little different from any other visit - sprinkled with annoyances.

Sprite - £1.98 Buy One Get One Free.  Yes, pretty good but with not a single cuntin' bottle on the shelf, a pointless offer.  It may as well have said 'Buy One Get Seven Free'.

High Juice.  Getting some Summer Fruits and Blackcurrant cordial is not so adventurous an aim that one expects to be disappointed.  At Morrisons, though, one has to accept that the rules governing purchases are in place to annoy the fuck out of anyone who likes juice to taste of fucking juice.  Avoiding the useless bottles of squash that leave a horrible taste in the mouth is usually sufficient to ensure a tasty drink, with the High Juice option providing suitable refreshment.  However, Morrisons appears to refuse shoppers the right to buy anything that's dark red or purple in colour unless it's of the NAS variety.  'No Added Sugar' basically means 'Shit'.Since when has it been a supermarket's job to tell me I have to drink shit?  Sugar is a generally available commodity and I am free to add it to whatever I like.  At present, there are not even any warnings issued by advertisers to say "Use Sugar Responsibly' and so I have the right to sweeten to my own taste.  So why then is it deemed acceptable for there to be NAS versions of the two drinks I wanted, but no normal version? Cunts.  I chose Apple & Elderflower which had added sugar, deduced by me on the basis that 'NAS' was nowhere on the fucking bottle!

Sugar.  I irresponsibly bought two packets of sugar at 88p each in the next aisle along.  (Cunts)

Custard.  I thought I'd buy some Ambrosia Custard.  400g tins were on sale at 90p each, although there was an offer that stated three for £2.00.  Just above the loose tins was a triple pack at £2.47 - clearly a complete fuck-up and a nonsense.  I quickly worked out that the 1kg carton at £1.58 was pro-rata much better value (at £1.90 for 1.2kg) and opted for this.  The illogical approach by Morrisons was nothing new.

Beansprouts.  Obviously there can be just two explanations as to why I purchased what was in fact the very last available 500g bag of beansprouts.  (1) There has been a mad panic to buy up stocks of beansprouts, leading to a run on supermarkets and a shortage for all - well, everyone after me.  (2) Morrisons has not got a fucking clue and is not responsible enough to provide goods for sale to the public in the quantities required.

Pork Mince.  There was simply none available for sale at all.

DVDs - Value Section.  There was not a sniff of any 'value' at all.


ASDA

While it was miserable at Morrisons, I will have to wait longer to report on it being awful at Asda.  I have previously posted my disgruntlement at the local authority for granting Asda permission to completely fuck-up a green field when a few hundred yards away there was a brown-field site that would have been perfectly acceptable for a new store.  The massive sign says 'Opening in Spring 2013'.  Now, I rather assumed that the lies would only start when there were goods for sale, and supposed 'offers' to be considered.  However, Asda has got ahead of the game because I was under the impression that the store would perhaps open in March, or more probably April.  To have to wait until May for the alleged convenience of the establishment to feature in my life would be disappointing.  I logged on to the Asda website, and discovered the fucking place opens on 10th June 2013.  THAT IS NOT SPRING, YOU COMPLETE TWATS.

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