21.10.18 New Asda Dire Approach

Can anything be simpler than paying for a basket of groceries and leaving a small store?  Well, based on the Asda approach in North Shields, just about anything can be simpler - and less frustrating.

My basket was not overflowing; in fact, 10 of the 15 items were small jars of spices, so this was hardly 'shop of the century'.  I weighed up the options; six self-serve terminals, a conveyor belt option (again self-serve) and the kiosk.  In view of my dislike of scanning things myself and dealing with argumentative technology, I thought my small basket could be handled by the chap at the cigarette kiosk.

My thinking was influenced not by any wish for special treatment, but by the shopper being attended to not actually purchasing any cigarettes.  The small woman was buying dog food; the male assistant had scanned some tins, and was just scanning her sack of dry dog food.  I considered that as no one else was waiting, certainly no desperate smokers, and as I had just a few easily handled items, I could benefit from old fashioned input from a till operator.

Just as I thought I might get some attention, the obliging chaps volunteered to carry the sack of dog food to the lady's car.  I was not put out unduly because at the same time, he asked his colleague to take over and attend to my needs.  This was the only other shop worker around, and she was standing two feet away.  I fully expected her to take position behind the till and help, as the bloke disappeared on haulage duties.

"Is it just this?" asked the woman?  She looked at the basket while uttering these pointless words of enquiry.  I avoided the urge to be sarcastic, and said "yes", in the hope that efficiency could be prevalent.  Alas, I was to be disappointed.  I later wondered whether my asking for some cigarettes might have given her an incentive to scan the fucking food.  I wondered whether her own approach to customer service differed from her colleague's views, and while he worked the till for anyone, she would only do so if cigarettes were involved.

"You'll have to scan the items yourself, over there," she said, pointing to the mosh pit.  With the man gone, the woman with her dog food gone, no other customers waiting at the till, and cunting fucking tumbleweed blowing through the depressing checkout area by the kiosk, I considered whether to abandon the basket in protest.  I highlighted that i dislike scanning things myself and I always run into problems, but she was deaf to this input.  Begrudgingly, I moved over to a large conveyor belt, and plonked my basket at the head, in preparation for scanning.  Over the course of the next two minutes, two things happened.

1 - a surge of customers suddenly swamped the checkout area, such that the six small self-scan tills were all in use, with other shoppers now queuing.
2 - my machine, es expected, decided to be a complete cunt and not scan properly.

The red light shone dimly and the assistance of equal dimness shuffled the five paces to me.  She'd already vacated the kiosk, and as the single representative of Asda's customer service force, she was available to help people.  Someone was waiting behind me for the conveyor, but nothing was moving.  The Asda woman corrected the machine, but two items later, the red light came on again.
The woman then scanned all my items for me while I watched and waited.  I suspect the irony was lost on her.  If she'd served me in a similar fashion at the kiosk, earlier, then the conveyor would have been free for other shoppers.

A laughable episode that swallowed a few minutes at lunch time.  The 'circus feel' to the transaction and the environment all around was weird.  As I left, I saw no sign of the bloke who'd left with the old lady and enough food for two weeks (for a dog).  I wondered if she'd kidnapped him and he was on his way to a kennel.

...

21.10.18 Bacon Leaf @McDonald's

With some mild regret and a sense of disappointment, I was drawn to the 'golden arches' yesterday, for a necessary intake of food.  McDonald's is never really a sensible option, but occasionally there is little choice.  I succumbed to the touch screen trauma and opted for a meal based on what was described as McExtreme Bacon.  The picture seemed reasonably inviting, and I'd not had one of these burgers before. 

I think there needs to be an urgent rethink regarding what constitutes 'Extreme', because what was presented turned out to be rather less impressive than anyone could have imagined.  I recall commenting to Junior that the bacon served was so fucking thin that it was in fact "bacon leaf".  Yes, the stuff was that pathetically unsubstantial.  I am submitting the above picture as evidence - what a pathetic excuse for an Extreme Bacon burger. 

...

6.10.18 Depression In Redcar

Today I spent just over two hours in Redcar.  I can best sum up the verdict as follows:

Redcar if fucking depressing, and it's on its arse.

I thought no more shops could possibly close down, but I was wrong - and the decline continues.  Even BrightHouse has downsized; it has relinquished its corner plot, and taken up residence in a tiny ex-Oxfam shop and dispensed with all the floor space such that it can now display little more than a fucking sofa.  When the shop specifically targeting poor people is forced to almost disappear, it tells you something about the economy and the area.

Perhaps rather more surprising than Redcar's general air of complete gloom and shabbiness was the utter fucking disgrace regarding the supermarket in the most prominent location.  I refer to Morrisons, and the disgrace was the scale of unavailability on the shelves.  I wondered whether a nuclear warning had been issued, or if Brexit plans had kicked in early.  Unbelievably, I had to queue for a fucking trolley before I could even enter the shop.  I was one of the lucky few who secured a small trolley from the supply of six that was pushed in by a worker after I'd hung around for a couple of minutes. 

Getting into the place was a cross between competing on Total Wipeout and Takeshi's Castle.  The gaps between the obstacles placed by management in the entrance area were like clogged arteries, as shoppers loitered like fat deposits. 

Empty containers in the fruit and veg area were matched by equally empty shelves in the surrounding area.  As I moved around the store, I became increasingly frustrated by the items I was unable to buy.  The apathy surrounding everything in Redcar was certainly depressing.

...

17.6.18 BBC World Cup Failure

How on earth has the BBC been allowed to spend licence fee money flying on the air fare for Phil Neville to go to Russia, and then annoy the cunting fuck out of me with his gushing shit from the commentary box?

There can surely be no person in the country who appreciates the appalling performance as evidenced today in the Germany v Mexico fixture.  The breathy, forced words dotted around in his delivery of verbal bollocks is a cause of immense frustration, along with this faux excitement and odd stress pattern in his pathetic commentary efforts.  Then there is the utter shite that he spouts.  Clearly there are linguistic 'challenges', linked to his inability to use English properly.  He has no idea what an adverb is, and never got past learning about adjectives at school.

"It's pure instinctive" - wtf?
"Mexico are playing fantastic" - wtf?

Anyone who makes Alan Shearer seem intelligent and articulate is surely doomed!

Sorry, Phil, but can't you get back to helping out the women's game get up to standard, your actual job, rather than display a low standard of commentary?  Perhaps if he employed the services of a breathing coach, he might stand a chance of speaking normally at least.

By the way, it's Chicarito not Chitorito.  Perhaps you should stick to Hernandez! 

...

3.6.18 Britain's Got Talent Final

The B-Positive Choir was announced as the 'wild card' act, as if there were ever any doubt; Simon had promised them that outcome after they came third in their semi-final.  So he got his way, of course.  If they couldn't come in the top two of their semi-final, then there was no real chance of the group doing much tonight.


Calum Courtney   1.5 / 10

Non-singing Shouter

This guy is claimed to be autistic, and this is the first annoying thing because he most clearly is not; the 'label' is simply not appropriate at all.  The second annoying thing is that he cannot really sing, and manages to hit some shit notes while he is shouting and being indulged by, not only his family, but the rest of the fucking nation.  The place for kids is on some sort of Kids Have Got Talent show, and he would not get far!  For him to be wasting a place in the final is a travesty.  By the way, the performance tonight was a wailing wank of an effort, though it was not as awful as the disastrous semi-final effort [worth 0.5/10].  The Four Horsetwats of the Apolcalypse all clapped at the end for no justifiable reason.  Alesha, obviously the most accomplished judge and sge in the UK profoundly said "You've got soul," and "It's never easy going first," (not by a mile is that the first time she's said those words).  Thanks, Alesha, for those words of wisdom.


The D-Day Darlings   3 / 10

Old People's Home In-house Singers

As it's 100th anniversary of the end of World War I, it's weird nostalgia that is the only explanation for this rabble to be filling the stage.  The face-pulling singers warbled about the white cliffs of Dover, and again the judges all stood and clapped.  But none of this relates to anything linked to 'talent'.  Rather, it acknowledges that a hundred years on, a well known song can be trotted out, while war veterans trotted out as well.  I take nothing away from the chaps, nor indeed the song and the singers, BUT . . . this is not a suitable winner of BGT.  There is no real talent involved.  Patriotism, uniforms blah blah blah.


Jack & Tim   2 / 10

Kack & Time

I just mis-typed that, and accidentally put Kack & Time.  That sums up things so much better!  This doe struggles to sing anything properly, and anything I might want to listen to.  Tonight, the twee twaddle was the same song, says Mrs MWSC, as the one they sang on their audition.  His whiny voice was not my cup of tea, so I put the kettle on for a real one.

Just caught the tail end and castigated myself for poor timing.  Again, the Four Twats stood and clapped.  "It wouldn't have been out of place in Nashville," said Alesha, and I wholeheartedly agree with that - that is exactly where they should have been tonight, and not on ITV.


Robert White   8/ 10

Wacky

Well that was truly unique and deserved the place on a variety show.  He kept my attention all the way through, and he went for it.  The first act that I felt it was worth watching.  Fair play to the guy for originality, and actually, some bravery in choosing what to give us.


B-Positive Choir   1 / 10

B-Low Par

They want everybody to give blood.  Commendable of course, but that is not any basis for gaining the place in the final.  This is another case of bias because of the 'good cause' element, and some rallying round to celebrate the NHS.  "Rise up" the woman shouted and simply fucked me off.  Absolute cunting NOISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  My ears went to hit the reboil on the kettle.  "Shouty nonsense," said Mrs MWSC.  Sorry to be (S)O-Negative but this deserved nothing.  The judges all stood and clapped.  Pathetic comments.  "My favourite act of the night so far," said Simon.  Fucking criminal statement Mr C.


Lost Voice Guy   5 / 10

Voice-over Man's Partner

I have an issue with this act.  If I were a songwriter, and wrote a good song, would I be the one getting to a final is someone else actually performed the song?  No.  Quite simply, this nice chap is in fact a scriptwriter, and writer of jokes.  Some are good, some are lame, some are predictable.  But the voice-over man is the other half of the act.  Couple of good jokes, and of course they all stood and clapped.  Appreciation for his writing skills and perhaps sympathy for his restrictive condition are appropriate.  I simply struggle to work out how to give him equal assessment, because when other comedians have jokes written for them, it's not the joke writers who are the stars.


The Giang Brothers   5  / 10

Vietnam's Got Talent

The two brothers met this head on.  No issue with anyone being on BGT if they live in Britain.  But people who travel here to appear should not be given slots.  Logic means that in effect, BGT is WGT, ie. the World's Got Talent.  It came as no surprise that one brother balanced on the other, head to head.  This time the bottom one walked over some raised steps, while shit music played in the background.  Then came the surprise - the staged falling away of the platforms so there was a missing step.  After a long delay, the jump came, and victorious they were.  Great showmanship imported from Vietnam.  The trouble is I now have no desire to see again a bloke balancing another bloke on his head.  "They're very polite boys though," said Mrs MWSC.  "Yes, but it's not Britain's Got Manners, is it!" said I.


Gruffydd Wyn   3 / 10

The Gruffalo

"Jesus, I'm so proud of you," said Amanda. Anyway, enough of Amanda's religious pontificating.  Good voice, yes, but I was bored as fuck by this middle of the road.  Alesha mentioned a "small guy with a big dream" though I'd suggest "big guy with a small dream" would have been better.  Nice chap, but this act was simply padding for the show.


DVJ   3 / 10

Another Repeat

This rabble annoys me because they have been together for three months, and are simply the product of Ashley Banjo's training to replicate Diversity.  There is nothing new here at all; LAZY television.  There are enough repeats on television without this lot hogging time.  I am sorry, but I could not lap this up to any degree - formulaic and sadly dated.  Predictable as the performance was the judges' combined reaction that led to standing and clapping and lauding of the whole 'Diversity' thing.  Alesha spouted shite, and gushed like a geyser.  YAWN.  The praise for their talent at their age was equally as predictable, but kids can learn anything, so being told where to jump by Banjo and his crew was always going to produce this outcome.


Micky P Kerr   7 / 10

Micky

No as good as his semi-final performance, but he remained totally likable and engaging.  This time, he was almost a younger version of John Cooper Clarke, with the accent and delivery of the lines.  That is no bad thing at all.  I wonder if the voting public will take into consideration the semi-final performance to bolster his Final contribution?  Let's hope so, as he is bringing something new to the stage.


Donchez Dacres   2 / 10

Wiggle Whine

A really nice chap, but how on earth can this rubbish be in the final of BGT?  Embarrassingly shite.  He obviously introduced the Wiggle shit in this trash-up racket.  "You're sixty-one years old," said Alesha to Donchez, in case he didn't know.  Amanda joined in with the wowing and 61-ing.  Pointless but not offensive.


The Cast of Tina   9 / 10

As soon as anyone introduces an act that starts with "The Cast Of..." I shudder.  However, this ensemble turned out to be rather good.  Adrienne Warren, the lead singer, was really good.  This was a welcome change from other stuff that's offered up during the voting stage of finals.


The Cast of Magic Mike   0.5 / 10

This time I was right to shudder at 'The Cast Of', as he male grinders moved about to crap music.  Totally appropriate for a young audience?  I think not.  Channing Tatum plugged ticket sales for a show at the Hippodrome, and as we went to a trailer, cleaners obviously had the chance to mop up the sweat from the stage.


THE RESULT

Lost Voice Guy, Donchez Dacres and Robert White made the final three.

The winner HAD to be Robert White, and he was my highest scorer.  With some anticipation, and nervousness, I waited and was disappointed that the winner was LVG.  I am pleased for him, but am just left struggling to appreciate that the best variety act in the country has turned out to be a guy who writes jokes, most of which are taking the mickey out of disabled people or linked to associated themes.  On the other hand, I am relieved that we were not landed with one of the others, considering most of my scores were so painfully low.  Shame that Robert was not rewarded, but pleased for LVG.

...

29.5.18 Britain's Got No Talent

What a waste of space, methinks.  I have successfully avoided the auditions, and so have got no idea what level of 'talent' was assessed over recent weeks to arrive at the semi-final stage.  I caught a snippet of yesterday's show, and gleaned that Britain's Got Sheep Mentality.  The funny guy who basically waited while the voice-over computer read out his jokes was the winner, and a formulaic act featuring war veterans ticked a box for second place.

Tonight presented us with a batch of people whose talent was dubious.  I refer to the performers on the stage, as the other batch (the judges) of course have no real talent.

The B Positive Choir 1/10

They wailed with This Is Me and implored me to like them while I steadfastly refused.  But they kept on going - what did they want - blood?  Ha ha.  Yawn fucking yawn.

Futunity 1/10

The fucking name is enough to make you throw up.  A combination of future and unity, we were told.  Hmmmm . . . . how about a combination of happiness and crap . . . crapiness.  The intro was a VT of the girl running from zombies.  I was as bored as a cunt in a chastity belt before they even started fidgeting on the stage with their cliche moves and tired rendition of dance.  Why the fuck the judges praised it so much is beyond me.  Futility would be a better name for this rabble.

Calum Courtney 1/10

He's been handed the label 'autistic' and makes use of it to further the 'aaahh' factor.  Well he is hardy autistic, and does a disservice to those with autism whose lives are affected rather more.  His singing was off, so for Amanda to praise him as pitch perfect reveals in her the tunefulness of a fart across a milk bottle in a blizzard.  Awful song, badly sung with an affected approach while mummy looked on.  A kid singing has no place on Britain's Got Talent.  Maybe Simon can hive this shit off, to a Kids version, so I can not watch it.  I groaned in pain at this effort.

Andrew Lancaster  2/10

The impressionist was quite accomplished, although he provided us with an overdose on the Donald Trump front.  Clever, but rather staid.  Being good at something doesn't necessarily make the act good.

Nick Page 2/10

The comedian had a few good jokes but his stage presence (well, lack of it) and clear discomfort in standing and delivering was awkward.  Dick Turpin he isn't.

Ronan Busfield 3/10

Very accomplished, and sang very well indeed, even if I disliked the song.  But I simply do not want to listen to opera.  The opening line was "I'm trying to hold my breath" but he didn't try very hard at all because he then sang.  Yawn.

Magus Utopia 2/10

What a mess on stage.  An odd display of weak magic, costumes and novelties.  Yet they raved over it?

Donchez Dacres 0/10

A fucking joke of an act and a song.  The Golden Buzzer could only have been pressed by Walliams, and this 'Wiggle' song was shite.

Alfie No 1/10

Worse was to come!  Yes, Alfie Boe ripped the soul from me, scraping my ears on the way.  This bollocks was, as ever, lame. 

Simon revealed in the results show that there are four or five who could win.  Yes, because there was no one standing out a good!  My money was on Alfie Boe to sneak through to the final, just.

The top three were Calum Courtney, Donchez Dacres and B Positive Choir.  What the cuntin fuck?

The winner, with no talen whatsoever, was Donchez.  He said he was 'speechless', but sadly he makes a noise when he performs.

Amanda's vote for B Positive was apparently because it's 70 years of the NHS.  WTCF?  Cowell ducked out by levelling the vote so that the public vote was to determine the outcome.  The most votes went to Calum Crappy Courtney.

B Positive put out a final plea to give blood, and refused to be negative. O dear.

Callum interacted with Dec, and there was little substance to either contribution, before the night closed.

I really need to avoid the other semis, or I will implode.

...

12.5.18 Eurovision - Voting & Result

With trepidation, I awaited the start of voting, convinced that I would be outraged at the lunacy set to ensue.  I wondered while making my tea as the farcical nature of things, in that hundreds of millions of people have been exposed to some quite terrible noise, and that as with the tale of The Emperor's New Clothes, many would be drawn into the madness of lauding absolute mediocrity, let alone outright bollocks.

Mel Gridlock spoke for the UK (excluding me) with her annoying style as ever.  The whole evening was sure to come down to Israel and Cyprus slugging it out.

True enough, and the winner was Israel

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

12.5.18 Eurovision 2018

The 63rd Eurovision Song Contest from Portugal kicked off earlier in the week, with the semi-finals on Tuesday and Thursday.  Only the hardened masochists will have tuned in for the extra shows ahead of the final, and the experiences were horrendous.  Yes, the lack of singing in a 'song contest' was an absolute given - but the most mentally and aurally damaging input came from Rylan Clark and Scott Mills.  Rylan's ability to talk shit, with a shitty, catty attitude, while mispronouncing words was severely under-estimated by me.  Truly, I wanted to drown him in concrete.  I resent part of my Licence Fee being directed towards this affected twat's pay packet.  At least he's gone now, and the letter 's' being pronounced 'sh' has gone with him [shtrobe lighting]

43 countries entered, but sadly the two semi-finals managed to whittle that down only slightly, meaning 26 got a place in the 'final'.  There was room to have put a token three through from each of the semis, sending 31 home.  Bizarrely the organisers thought that a certain amount of shite had a place on stage in the main event.

For the first time, Russia did not qualify for the final.  It was indeed a pretty dire offering, but was in equally dire company, so would have expected to be put through.  Still, hosting the World Cup trumps a crappy singing effort in a Saturday swamp of mediocrity and shite.

So here's the running order for tonight's feast of madness, strobe lighting, wailing and earache.  I have decided to give each entrant a mark out of 5, although I suspect most could manage quite easily with a score out of 1.

As ever, Graham Norton is on hand to provide something by way of entertainment, so let's note the events of the annual three-and-a-half-hour marathon.

Anu Moura sang a song while a bloke played a guitar-like instrument to kick off proceedings.  Unfortunately this was followed by Mariza, a woman clearly in agony, who to the sounds of drums, wailed like a bear in a trap.  She'd clearly been for a swim earlier - she still had the blue rubber band on her wrist.  Not content with these two inputs holding us up, the organisers served us a couple of chaps playing background music while every country was introduced, and a flag bearer entered the fray.  Not quite the Olympics.  The contestants smiled and waved, and then it was time for the Four Women of the Apocalypse to shout at us.  That's 15 minutes taken care of.  Why te UK voters are denied the texting option remains a mystery.


Ukraine - MELOVIN (Under The Ladder)     0.4

What a dire start.  The biggest issues are: 1) The bloke cannot sing, and 2) The song is shit.  Whoa-oh-oer, repeated rather a lot helped no one in Europe or elsewhere!

Spain - AMAIA Y ALFRED (Tu Cancion)     2.3

This song from the Spanish duo was a gentle effort, and okay - no more, no less.  I suppose 'bland' would be a fair comment.  By the time it gets to the voting, few will remember this song or the pair of lovebirds who've been together, Graham advises, just three months.  "One day they'll regret that" from Graham was probably cruel.

Slovenia - LEA SIRK (Hvala, Ne!)     0.3

The energetic women proved they were mobile, but sadly failed utterly in terms of demonstrating any talent.  The dancers fidgeted, while the singer delivered a monotonous dirge, hurting my ears with notes that stripped away any shred of tolerance in my being.  No relation to music, this twaddle.  Like a whining motor, this assault was terrible.  The gimmick of stopping the music (a welcome reprieve for a few seconds) was pathetic.  In summary, shit!

Lithuania - IEVA ZASIMAUSKAITE (When We're Old)     3.2

A valiant attempt, with a slow delivery of lyrics in English.  A slightly affected tone was bordering on annoying but didn't quite reach, so she retained interest enough for me to give this a thumbs up.

Austria - CESAR SAMPSON (Nobody But You)     3

This was a safe song that had some merit.  As formulaic as any Eurovision entry, and a box-ticker for sure, even though it sounds like it's stolen.  "Lisbon, how you doin" was an unnecessary line from Cesar, and his trousers were naf.

Estonia - ELINA NECHAYEVA (La Forza)     2.3

Opera is always an odd choice in a competitive environment.  Yes, we can all (if in the mood) cope with the odd bit of warbling three octaves above sea level, but I'm not sure it fits in here.  Not offensive at all, but neither was it memorable or worthy of many points.  It sounded like a rip-off of an old British Airways advert, or something similar.  65,000 euros for a dress is a bit extravagant in my book.

Norway - ALEXANDER RYBAK (That's How You Write A Song)     2.5

This guy thinks he's a bit of a Jay Kay from Jamiroquai, but nowhere near as good of course.  Half way through the song turned into an extract from Jungle Book or perhaps Minnie The Moocher, before returning to mediocrity.  Better as an instrumental.

Portugal - CLAUDIA PASCOAL (O Jardim)     1.3

Claudia is clearly a bit sad, I thought, as she started the song.  I waited for it to get going . . . and waited some more . . . and at a minute and thirty seconds, it picked up marginally (while her mte joined in) before returning to the slow lane.  Sorry luv, but way too slow, laboured and annoying.

United Kingdom - SURIE (Storm)     1.9

"Storms don't last forever" she sang, but the song seemed to!  Weak, but with such a catchy chorus, the wobbles in the rest of the song might be forgotten by voters.  Considering she was almost accosted on stage, she did well to keep going.

Serbia - SANJA ILIC & BALKANIKA (Nova Deca)     0.9

This was simply odd, and was more like a spell being cast, rather than a song for the first minute.  Then the extremely bald chap got underway.  The communal moaning was unwelcome.  Cat Weasel was on the flute, and the drummer was keen.  All in all, a mess.

Germany - MICHAEL SHULTE (You Let Me Walk Alone)     2.1

Clearly the Germans looked for and found a copycat Ed Sheeran.  The ginger German was trying for the look as well as the sound, and the song choice was the same genre.  It all added up to a real drag; my ordeal was luckily limited to three minutes, and I must try to avoid Ed as well for a while - hard these days.

Albania - EUGENT BUSHPEPA (Mall)     3.1

Decent enough.  Pretty easy to listen to, and it was musically fine.  Not memorable, though.

France - MADAME MONSIEUR (Merci)     3.3

This was easy to listen to, and a surprisingly tuneful affair considering the majority of countries now think it is acceptable to endorse wailing, and people who cannot hold a decent note.  Good!

Czech Republic - MIKOLAS JOSEF (Lie To Me)     1.1

Completely irritating.  I won't lie to you, Mikolas, you're an irritant, as was the saxophone, as was the rucksack.

Denmark - RASMUSSEN (Higher Ground)     1.3

This was hard work to get through, and they got to the chorus after twenty seconds!  The repetition wore me down in time with the stamping feet, as the hairy onslaught drove me relentlessly to boredom.  "Now come on, walk with us!" shouted the singer with eyes too close together.  No ta - I'm comfy on my sofa.

Australia - JESSICA MAUBOY (We Got Love)     2

Sadly this was hype above talent and she simply cannot sing at all well.  But the chorus, as with most songs, gives a chance for voters to ignore shortcomings, and be swept along with middle-of-the-road mutterings.  'We Got Love' was announced dozens of times, while she wriggled and splayed her legs rather a lot.

Finland - SAARA AALTO (Monsters)     2.6

The mad woman of Finland provided, as ever, an unusual serving of 'music', well, trashy pop with an inclusive catchy chant.  Middle of the road.  Does Finland have anyone else who sings other than Saaaaaraa Aaaaalto ?

Bulgaria - EQUINOX (Bones)     2.2

Another vacuous song with a build up to chanting in the final third (to use the football cliche).  Unarguable stage presence though, and more memorable than some.

Moldova - DOREDOS (My Lucky Day)     1.9

These six people must have practised the routine for weeks, but sadly for no great benefit - certainly not in terms of entertaining us.  Oompa pa, oompa pa.

Sweden - BENJAMIN INGROSSO (Dance You Off)     1.6

This was a weak Justin Timberlake impression, with Ben sounding wimpish and limp, and like he's 14 years old.  Graham advised his mother tried five times to represent Sweden and failed; I suspect she nudged him and is now orgasming at last, well, vicariously. 

Hungary - AWS (Viszlat Nyar)     3.3

A brave choice of performance in a world of shitty pop.  The heavy metal style was a nice change and slightly refreshing.  Well done, chaps.

Israel - NETTA (Toy)     0.1

An absolute fucking embarrassment.

Netherlands - WAYLON (Outlaw In 'Em)    2

About 30 years out of sync with the rest, but that's no bad thing in itself.  An album track that goes unnoticed in your collection of old rock and borderline line dancing material.

Ireland - RYAN O'SHAUGHNESSY (Together)     1.4

Well the song may have offended the Chinese because of the gay blokes dancing, but I was rather more offended by the unnecessarily high pitch of the singing.  One or even two octaves lower and it might have come across rather better.  As it was, I found it a challenge to cope with the chorus, and that's the part of any song that's going to make it a winner. [NB: the girl on the piano offered some deeper notes]

Cyprus - ELENI FOUREIRA (Fuego)     1.5

What the fuck is this woman on?  The Beyonce rip-off was obvious, although why that should be some sort of goal is beyond me.  Rather shit, and certainly unsightly.

Italy - META E MORO (Non Mi Avete Fatto Niente)     1

This was simply messy, and I could not make head nor fucking tail of it.


Sadly, the basis for voting is always muddled - this is about the best song, and performance of that song.  It is not about the singer, the gimmicks, the clothes or the size of tits.  Let's see what the expanded audience makes of this evening's offerings, which have for the most part been pretty crappy.  I can now have a cup of tea and prepare to be annoyed as cunting fuck about the voting and the outcome.

*****

2.4.18 Football Talk

No one in and around him.  [Alan Shearer]

I'm all for players pulling someone in and around each other.  [Alan Shearer]

He's getting improvements from his players week on and week in.  [Marin Keown]

You are asking different questions from defenders.  [Alan Shearer talking shit]

Every single one of them were superb.  [Alan, still avoiding 'was' for no fathomable reason]

It's only twenty years since the club were formed.  [Dan Walker]

One of the best headerers.  [Ian Wright]

There have been a number of interested telephone calls in him.  [Jonathan Pierce]

He's trying to get into those areas he likes getting into.  [Jermaine Jenas]

Making sure that Wilfred Zaha don't get through.  [Jermaine Jenas]

In and around the back four.  [Matthew Upson]

When you play teams in and around you.  [Bournemouth player]

The experience of the previous injuries have made him more cautious.  [Danny Murphy]

It also means a lot to those in and around Southampton.  [Commentator not referring to geography, but to the Burnley players]

He just readjusted his position.  [Commentator just overdoing it]

...

2.4.18 Poor English

There are a surprising amount of taxi cabs in North Korea  [Eitan Goldstein]

There are tons of cities and towns all across North Korea  [Eitan Goldstein]

Prospective  [John Boyega on Radio 4, meaning perspective]

Very, very unique  [John Boyega on Radio 4, not just unnecessarily qualifying, but unnecessarily over qualifying uniqueness]

It's gradually percolated outwards  [Arsehole (expert on language and dialects!) on Radio 4]

Are industry doing the right thing?  [A doctor on Radio 4; are it indeed!]

You scatter the lovely rocket in and around the pizza  [Jamie Oliver]

Edinburgh zoo have revealed ...  [have indeed!]

Prices are up to 25% cheaper  [No, Laura Hamilton, the houses are up to 25% cheaper, or the prices are up to 25% lower]

On the north side of the town, prices are up to 20% more expensive  [No, Laura Hamilton, wrong again.  The houses are up to 20% more expensive, or the prices are up to 20% higher]

To make as much money as possible in the quickest amount of time  ['Shortest', please, Radio 4!]

The number of people going through the doors have declined  [More Radio 4 shite]

It depends what the community want  [Radio 4 again]

Anonamity  [Anna Soubry inventing words]

Self depreciating  [Gina Yashere, meaning self-depricating]

It's amazing how you show off your versitality  [Darcey Bussell making up words]

Sony Movie Channel are rolling out the red carpet  [are it, indeed]

The League of Gentleman are back  [Samira Ahmed]

He has just bagged the most illegible man in Britain  [Stephen on Gogglebox]

I kind of self taught myself  [Jimmy Mistri on Saturday Kitchen]

Lamb fat isn't the most flavoursome, it's a bit fattyish  [Brian Turner on Saturday Kitchen]

They can put on more weight than they originally had in the first place  [Idiot woman on ITV]

That key weather vane of the British economy, the annual new car sales figures  [Julie Etchingham talking complete and utter fucking shit]

The last round of sanctions are having an effect  [reporter on Radio 4]

Warmer temperatures are the cause of climate change  [Phil Mercer on Radio 4, stating the fucking obvious and avoiding the correct 'higher temperatures' comment]

Britain are the leading country in the Commonwealth  [Lord Somebody-Or-Other on Radio 4]

The number of job losses are . . . .  [Radio 4 crap]

Shtrong  [Ashley Banjo, meaning 'strong']

You sang phenomenal  [will.i.am, LY short of an adverb]

A jump from one specie to another  [idiot scientist on Radio 4 who is allegedly an expert but cannot use the language, turning 'species' into a made-up singular form]

He needed to get acclimated  [NFL pundit, meaning acclimatised]

WeBuyAnyCar.Com Sponsor DOI  [a missing 's' off 'Sponsor']

When you look back retrospectivly  [hmmmm, as if 'retro' needs clarification]

Grab a bowl and put it over a pan of hot boiling water  [Joe Wicks]

Everyone is in agreance  [Jamie Delgado pretentiously using a fuck-of-a-non-word]

...

1.4.18 Muller

"Muller - official yoghurt of British Athletics"

So says Nicole Scherzinger.  I struggle with this on so many levels.  First, why on earth does British Athletics need a yoghurt?  It is perfectly possible to manage very well indeed without consuming yoghurt, and I have no reason to believe that yoghurt is in fact anything wonderful with properties that help athletes perform better.  Of all the things potentially 'needed' by British Athletics, I would venture to say that yoghurt is the least important.

I am equally perturbed that the dumb advocator of consuming this stuff is a woman who cannot even pronounce the word 'yoghurt'.  Yes, I know she is American, and that they like to mess about with stress and vowel sounds, but that underlines my ire - Nicole is an American talking like an American, endorsing a British team that apparently needs an official yoghurt, pronounced y-oh-gurt.  Could Muller and Team GB & Northern Ireland [thus, better referred to as Team UK] not find someone with appropriate speaking skills for this gig?  When in Rome, do as the Romans do; when in the UK, don't fuck with our language.

...

29.3.18 Gender Neutral Farce

I have no issue with anyone wanting to be happy and comfortable with who they are, but I have a real issue with the English language being fucked over because people want to 'adopt' words, and through sheer willfulness, abuse language whilst daring anyone to challenge them for being out of order.

Take the misplaced assertion by some whose ambition is to declare themselves gender neutral, and insist that there is no 'he' or 'she', but instead insist on 'them'.  I refuse to refer to someone as them (a plural pronoun) or they.  Quite simply this is nonsensical - and it is nothing to do with any discrimination etc.

Sarah Montague was on the Today Programme this morning, talking to Jay Bernard.  Aside from the fact that in just three minutes, Jay used 'sort of' or 'kind of' 22 times (wtf?) I listened to Montague saying: "I know you used to be she and her, and now you're they and them".  Absolute twaddle; singular cannot be made plural on a whim.  The world is full of too much crap like this. 

LGBT is fine, LGBTQIAPK+ is rather taking the piss, and the 'they/them' bollocks is simply outrageous.

...

25.3.18 Men Expert

Can there be anything that displays L'Oreal as nothing like an 'expert' more perfectly than the ludicrous deodorant that lasts up to 96 hours?

Which idiotic marketing wizard teamed up with a product development nut job to determine it was a good thing to suggest to men that not washing for four days is acceptable.  Endorsing such an approach is criminal, and I believe the word 'Expert' should be dropped from the range of shit offered to men who are incapable of buying supplies unless the word 'Men' features.

I think it is perhaps rather ironic that the colour scheme is black and yellow - universally denoting a hazard.  I wonder if it contains formaldehyde, to coat the body in some sort of protective layer?

...

24.3.18 Dutch Mascot Is A Star

What a fantastic start to the friendly match between The Netherlands and England last night.  For me it was the highlight of the encounter.  This girl will go far.  She took her opportunity in front of the cameras, and this is something that England players rarely do.

The football was a bore, with so much backwards and sideways passing that it was painful to watch.  "Pass it forwards, you cunts!" is an example of my commentary as Mrs MWSC and I watched paint dry.

I suspect this will be her first and only cap for Holland, but no one will forget her appearance.

Here is one of a thousand links on social media, if you want to watch.

https://twitter.com/djwskyblu/status/977271063787790338

...

23.3.18 Horrendous Harriet Harman

An absolute twat, and distasteful as fuck, Ms Harman continues to piss off sensible people with her perverse views and inflated view of her own importance.

...

11.3.18 Dancing On Ice Fiasco

I could just as easily have titled this post as "Why Britain Is Fucked - Reason 78".  I refrained from doing do simply because I've yet to give the details on far more pressing reasons for the UK being fucked.

The biggest single issue with the final is Brooke Vincent.  I had very little against the woman before she took to the ice (I use this expression loosely of course) but I am now annoyed as fuck by her complete lack of real input.  The real travesty is that the woman has reached the fucking final.  This proves nothing other than Britain is fucked!

In the semi-final, which of course included the last four contestants and resulted in three going through to the final (?) Brooke was allegedly "doing it for the people of Manchester", and gave a pathetic rallying speech involving the bombing last year, and the Ariana Grande concert.  She topped it off with a "performance" to a hit by said vocalist, and this was all under he umbrella term of "girl power" that Brooke decided was yet another reason for her to be rewarded by an appearance in the final.

The viewing public was fooled, and she got through last week.  This was unbelievable because she simply cannot skate anywhere near the standard of the others.  I used in the previous paragraph the work 'performance' but by that I meant her being hauled around the ice, lifted and put down at intervals, and avoiding any solo input where the required level was moving at greater than 5mph.

The final has proven beyond any doubt that this interloper should be run over by a glacier - possible only because the glacier of course would be moving quicker than Brooke!

The Coronation Street fans, Ariana Grande fans, the 'people of Manchester' and any female thinking 'girl power' is a worthy battle cry should collectively be ashamed of themselves.  For fuck's sake, Cheryl Baker at least had the good grace to know she is shite - Brooke is deluded enough to think she is good!  The Genie In A Bottle routine this evening was an exercise in dire attendance rather than actual skating.  Donna Air clung to her partner like a crane fly stuck to sellotape in earlier rounds; Brooke is no better.

All of this is not to deter attention to the whole series being rather shit, and the standard of skating overall is well below that of years gone by.  Why on earth ITV has brought back the show and buggered with the format is odd.  As for the voting, we all know the public cannot be trusted.  If ever there was proof that these shows are popularity contests rather than linked to talent, the vote was declared open by Schofield right at the top of the programme, before any cunt had touched frozen water.

The first half of the show is over and Max has been ejected!  Brooke Vincent is through to the cuntil last two.

What the cunting fuck?

The Dancing On Ice viewers must surely be having an absolute laugh.  It reminds me of the efforts made by the public to scupper Simon Cowell's expectations for the X-Factor winner being Number 1 in the singles chart at Christmas.  Is there a UK-wide movement to crown Brooke Vincent the winner as a complete piss take?  Her Bolero Bollocks is coming up soon.

Jake's performance was very good.  Sadly Jason had to use the affected pronunciation of 'homage' for no reason at all - it is a word that is 100% English, aside from it's route.

Brooke Vacuous was up next, after her VT intro showing her use the word 'iconic' multiple times.  Matej guided her around the ice, and she performed much akin to a curling stone.  'Tame' sums up everything she has done all series.

I have heard Christopher Dean describe Brooke's journey as 'incredible' when 'fucking farcical' would have been more appropriate.  So the whole thing comes down to how much piss the general public wants to take out of DOI and ITV.  Until then, the dire and useless Jordan Banjo is 'interviewing' the contestants, but this has proven a challenge for him for many weeks, mainly because he struggles to speak coherently.  His contributions have been a complete waste of space.

T&D took to the ice and of course were excellent.  Then it was over to the formulaic and predictable S&W.  'Incredible journey' was bandied around a bit more, and we had to endure from S&W some recaps on the two finalists' experiences.  Is a complete farce about to be revealed, with BV beating JQ? 

Thankfully Jake was announced as the winner.

...

11.3.18 Pizza Hut Advert

"Order quick and easy."

Fucking get it right, Pizza Hut!  Quickly and Easily

3.3.18 Robyn Cowen and the Shriek-O-Meter

Congratulations to Ian Williams, one of the many reporters on Final Score, charged with giving us news on a football game.  Today's programme was hosted by the slightly annoying Eilidh Barbour.  I say "congratulations" because Ian scored zero on the Shriek-O-Meter.  He was willing and able to divulge his observations in a normal voice, without any hint of a fucking shriek.

Ian Williams was the clear winner, with his 'zero' on the scale, maintained over more than a single report.   A similar score was achieved by another 'Williams', namely Mike Williams, who also managed to remain normal during his one delivery.  There were, however, some other commendable performances.

Level 1
Kenny Crawford, Peter Slater, Chris Wise, Adrian Cottier, Hamish Marshall

Level 2
Joe Shennan, Ivan Gaskell

Level 3
Laurence Herdman, Sue Smith

Level 4
Mark Scott, Adam Whitty

But soaring above all of these were two real shriekers, vying for top spot.  The ludicrously loud Naz was determined to kill my ears.

Level 9
Naz Premji

But he could not claim top spot.  No, this was captured with absolute certainty by Robyn Cowen.

Yes, her horrendous, nasal, grating tirade was by far and away the most offensive reporting style of the day (and week, year, decade).  The pitch and loudness of her input is what the Shriek-O-Meter was made for.  She scored a perfect TEN.

...

21.1.18 Criminal Labour Discrimination

There can be no excuse for this.  Outright racism by the Labour Party.  This level of discrimination is simply criminal.

...

14.1.18 Why The UK Is Fucked - No. 673

Speaks for itself.

...

14.1.18 Unnecessarily Long

For some reason, those in charge of BBC4 are determined to present us with programmes which have unnecessarily long titles.  Perhaps this is thought to compensate for the boring nature of the content, or perhaps the schedulers feel they have to explain exactly what the programmes are all about because otherwise we would not be able to work it out.

BBC4

The Race for the World's First Atomic Bomb: A Thousand Days of Fear
Timeshift: The People's Liners - Britain's Lost Pleasure Fleets
The Celts: Blood, Iron and Sacrifice with Alice Roberts and Neil Oliver
The Secret Life of Books: Confessions of an English Opium Eater
The Fairytale Castles of King Ludwig II with Dan Cruickshank
Better Than The Original: The Joy of the Cover Version
Je t'aime: The Story of French Song with Petula Clark
Annabel's Nightclub: A String of Naked Lightbulbs
Named and Shamed: Greatest Celebrity Scandals
Performance Live: Why It's Kicking Off Everywhere
Harry Potter and Whatever Absolute Fucking Bollocks He Is Involved In This Time
Bear About The House: Living With My Supersized Pet
Booze, Bar Crawls and Bulgaria: Stacey Dooley Investigates
Hits, Hype And Hustle: An Insider's Guide To The Music Business
Play It Loud: The Story Of The Marshall Amp
Henry VIII's Enforcer: The Rise And Fall Of Thomas Cromwell
Art, Passion And Power: The Story Of The Royal Collection
Catching History's Criminals: The Forensics Story
Anjelica Huston On James Joyce: A Shout In The Street
Timeshift: How To Be Sherlock Homes - The Many Faces Of A Master Detective
The New Builds Are Coming: Battle in the Countryside

...

13.1.18 Britain's Brightest Family - Not

Horror Show

There can be no doubt that one of the most dire quizes ever aired on British television hit our screens last week.  The offending programme was Britain's Brightest Family, hosted by Anne Hegerty.  Sadly someone advised her that she could be 'funny', and as a result, her input in this half-hour horror show was more misplaced than a hippo in the Arctic.

I challenge you to watch this week's offering, scheduled for Wednesday at 8.00pm on ITV.  You will I am sure find it hilarious because it is so bad, it's funny.

The concept of 'family' was itself a cause for concern in my own mind.  Teams comprised just three members on each team.  One family was mum, son and brother.  The other was a precocious girl, her dad and her uncle.  So both has a school-aged member, and two adults.  I was then treated to a run-down of their various 'qualifications' which included degrees, plus memberships and certificates.  In the hope of being impressed and entertained, I awaited the contributions of these bright sparks.

What a cunting farce.  Anne laboured through the script like a broken down snow plough dealing with an avalanche.  I was dumbfounded, and found myself incredulous at the six seated contestants and their collective lack of knowledge.  Here's an example.

Shakespeare Play

This teaser managed to stump all of them, and The Tempest was not volunteered.  Such was their uselessness and/or lack of speed in answering questions that in no way could count as challenging enough to help us all determine a 'bright family' let alone Britain's brightest fucking one.

The points 'system,' was itself laughable, because each correct answer was worth ten points - for no good reason at all.  There was no variation in the standard ten points, so the flexibility that might have been afforded by this 10-point approach was not needed.  The last five questions were scored at 20 each, just to undermine anyone who had done well but might then struggle with the last few - obviously when you get the questions wrong is a vital part of the system for judging, eh?  The final score was 160 - 120.   Sadly, the animated girl was on the winning team, so her little fist pumps and 'yes' utterances that so annoyed were not killed off in this round.

To close, Anne treated us to a teaspoon full of humour at least, by advising us viewers that the winners were through to the 'quarter finals'.  What the fuck?  These numpties were through to what?  I challenge ITV to explain how the fuck the entrants were decided upon.  I resent massively that there is an absolute certainty in play here - that the winners of Britain's Brightest Family will ABSOLUTELY NOT be Britain's Brightest Family.  I suggest that this is a real flaw and significant enough to undermine the whole cunting thing.

...

13.1.15 Freshwater Twat

"My name is Jeremy Wade, biologist and underwater detective."

This was the pompous introduction delivered by the man himself in last night's programme, River Monsters.  No, matey, you are a fish botherer, fish fondler and a freshwater twat.

...

12.1.18 Asda Yoyos and Foreskins

So much for the alleged 'Rollback' bollocks that Asda relentlessly touts.  I would like an explanation from those in charge, so that I may understand the process by which a store can be laden with red signs announcing this policy, while certain items are sold at prices that do not roll anywhere other than forward.

Below the banners I've seen this week that the 4-pack of Pot of Joy has been sold at £2.40.  This is the same item that was sold for the two weeks before Christmas at £1.

Similarly, the multi-packs of Peperami are £2.75, rather than £1.00 - the price that Asda decides to sell them at from time to time.

There is no 'Rolling Back' in operation at all.  Rather, the process at Asda is Yoyo.

There is so much evidence of this shite.  2-litre Sprite fluctuates between £1.85 and £1.00.  However, this week it has been upped to £1.25. 

I wonder if there might be much forward and backward rolling of the pickled elephant foreskins?

...

5.1.18 Mad Signs

Some confusing signage.

In my experience, very many certainly don't!

Double Parking Advice?  24hr & at all times, eh?

When's Anytime?

Always Constant?

Wise Advice

Helpfulness

Northern Lights

Being Mobile

...

5.1.18 Stormy Weather

The drivel uttered by supposed weather forecasters is abysmal; their abuse of the language is awful.  Here are some examples.

Rain journeying its way south

Sharp showers

The showers will be getting ideas above their station

Temperatures will fall away

Feeling decidedly autumnal today - Radio 4 weatherman, on 10th October, in the middle of fucking autumn

It's really going to feel autumnal as the week goes on - same twat on Radio 4, the following fucking day!

Temperatures struggling to get above - the concept of a a number struggling is ludicrous

Pesky showers

Rain knocking on the door

Muggy temperatures

A bit stuffy in the southeast

The risk of seeing some showers - this is NOT a 'risk'; pathetic bollocks

Showers with some wintry-ness in them - wtf is this?

Temperatures turning colder - No! Lowering!  Weather gets colder, not temperatures

The rain will be waxing and waning - Arsehole on a radio weather forecast

...