Calum Courtney 1.5 / 10
Non-singing Shouter
This guy is claimed to be autistic, and this is the first annoying thing because he most clearly is not; the 'label' is simply not appropriate at all. The second annoying thing is that he cannot really sing, and manages to hit some shit notes while he is shouting and being indulged by, not only his family, but the rest of the fucking nation. The place for kids is on some sort of Kids Have Got Talent show, and he would not get far! For him to be wasting a place in the final is a travesty. By the way, the performance tonight was a wailing wank of an effort, though it was not as awful as the disastrous semi-final effort [worth 0.5/10]. The Four Horsetwats of the Apolcalypse all clapped at the end for no justifiable reason. Alesha, obviously the most accomplished judge and sge in the UK profoundly said "You've got soul," and "It's never easy going first," (not by a mile is that the first time she's said those words). Thanks, Alesha, for those words of wisdom.
The D-Day Darlings 3 / 10
Old People's Home In-house Singers
As it's 100th anniversary of the end of World War I, it's weird nostalgia that is the only explanation for this rabble to be filling the stage. The face-pulling singers warbled about the white cliffs of Dover, and again the judges all stood and clapped. But none of this relates to anything linked to 'talent'. Rather, it acknowledges that a hundred years on, a well known song can be trotted out, while war veterans trotted out as well. I take nothing away from the chaps, nor indeed the song and the singers, BUT . . . this is not a suitable winner of BGT. There is no real talent involved. Patriotism, uniforms blah blah blah.
Jack & Tim 2 / 10
Kack & Time
I just mis-typed that, and accidentally put Kack & Time. That sums up things so much better! This doe struggles to sing anything properly, and anything I might want to listen to. Tonight, the twee twaddle was the same song, says Mrs MWSC, as the one they sang on their audition. His whiny voice was not my cup of tea, so I put the kettle on for a real one.
Just caught the tail end and castigated myself for poor timing. Again, the Four Twats stood and clapped. "It wouldn't have been out of place in Nashville," said Alesha, and I wholeheartedly agree with that - that is exactly where they should have been tonight, and not on ITV.
Robert White 8/ 10
Wacky
Well that was truly unique and deserved the place on a variety show. He kept my attention all the way through, and he went for it. The first act that I felt it was worth watching. Fair play to the guy for originality, and actually, some bravery in choosing what to give us.
B-Positive Choir 1 / 10
B-Low Par
They want everybody to give blood. Commendable of course, but that is not any basis for gaining the place in the final. This is another case of bias because of the 'good cause' element, and some rallying round to celebrate the NHS. "Rise up" the woman shouted and simply fucked me off. Absolute cunting NOISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My ears went to hit the reboil on the kettle. "Shouty nonsense," said Mrs MWSC. Sorry to be (S)O-Negative but this deserved nothing. The judges all stood and clapped. Pathetic comments. "My favourite act of the night so far," said Simon. Fucking criminal statement Mr C.
Lost Voice Guy 5 / 10
Voice-over Man's Partner
I have an issue with this act. If I were a songwriter, and wrote a good song, would I be the one getting to a final is someone else actually performed the song? No. Quite simply, this nice chap is in fact a scriptwriter, and writer of jokes. Some are good, some are lame, some are predictable. But the voice-over man is the other half of the act. Couple of good jokes, and of course they all stood and clapped. Appreciation for his writing skills and perhaps sympathy for his restrictive condition are appropriate. I simply struggle to work out how to give him equal assessment, because when other comedians have jokes written for them, it's not the joke writers who are the stars.
The Giang Brothers 5 / 10
Vietnam's Got Talent
The two brothers met this head on. No issue with anyone being on BGT if they live in Britain. But people who travel here to appear should not be given slots. Logic means that in effect, BGT is WGT, ie. the World's Got Talent. It came as no surprise that one brother balanced on the other, head to head. This time the bottom one walked over some raised steps, while shit music played in the background. Then came the surprise - the staged falling away of the platforms so there was a missing step. After a long delay, the jump came, and victorious they were. Great showmanship imported from Vietnam. The trouble is I now have no desire to see again a bloke balancing another bloke on his head. "They're very polite boys though," said Mrs MWSC. "Yes, but it's not Britain's Got Manners, is it!" said I.
Gruffydd Wyn 3 / 10
The Gruffalo
"Jesus, I'm so proud of you," said Amanda. Anyway, enough of Amanda's religious pontificating. Good voice, yes, but I was bored as fuck by this middle of the road. Alesha mentioned a "small guy with a big dream" though I'd suggest "big guy with a small dream" would have been better. Nice chap, but this act was simply padding for the show.
DVJ 3 / 10
Another Repeat
This rabble annoys me because they have been together for three months, and are simply the product of Ashley Banjo's training to replicate Diversity. There is nothing new here at all; LAZY television. There are enough repeats on television without this lot hogging time. I am sorry, but I could not lap this up to any degree - formulaic and sadly dated. Predictable as the performance was the judges' combined reaction that led to standing and clapping and lauding of the whole 'Diversity' thing. Alesha spouted shite, and gushed like a geyser. YAWN. The praise for their talent at their age was equally as predictable, but kids can learn anything, so being told where to jump by Banjo and his crew was always going to produce this outcome.
Micky P Kerr 7 / 10
Micky
No as good as his semi-final performance, but he remained totally likable and engaging. This time, he was almost a younger version of John Cooper Clarke, with the accent and delivery of the lines. That is no bad thing at all. I wonder if the voting public will take into consideration the semi-final performance to bolster his Final contribution? Let's hope so, as he is bringing something new to the stage.
Donchez Dacres 2 / 10
Wiggle Whine
A really nice chap, but how on earth can this rubbish be in the final of BGT? Embarrassingly shite. He obviously introduced the Wiggle shit in this trash-up racket. "You're sixty-one years old," said Alesha to Donchez, in case he didn't know. Amanda joined in with the wowing and 61-ing. Pointless but not offensive.
The Cast of Tina 9 / 10
As soon as anyone introduces an act that starts with "The Cast Of..." I shudder. However, this ensemble turned out to be rather good. Adrienne Warren, the lead singer, was really good. This was a welcome change from other stuff that's offered up during the voting stage of finals.
The Cast of Magic Mike 0.5 / 10
This time I was right to shudder at 'The Cast Of', as he male grinders moved about to crap music. Totally appropriate for a young audience? I think not. Channing Tatum plugged ticket sales for a show at the Hippodrome, and as we went to a trailer, cleaners obviously had the chance to mop up the sweat from the stage.
THE RESULT
Lost Voice Guy, Donchez Dacres and Robert White made the final three.
The winner HAD to be Robert White, and he was my highest scorer. With some anticipation, and nervousness, I waited and was disappointed that the winner was LVG. I am pleased for him, but am just left struggling to appreciate that the best variety act in the country has turned out to be a guy who writes jokes, most of which are taking the mickey out of disabled people or linked to associated themes. On the other hand, I am relieved that we were not landed with one of the others, considering most of my scores were so painfully low. Shame that Robert was not rewarded, but pleased for LVG.
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