8.7.12 Men's Tennis Final

Bad luck, Andy.  You had a good run this year but unfortunately is wasn't meant to be.  I must say that I have been narked to fuck by the establishment's obsession with your possible victory.  I was hoping for a good and close game of tennis and was rewarded with such.  I have no idea why I was somehow expected to cheer for you rather than Federer purely on the basis of your being born in Scotland.  I remain of the opinion that the lunacy of cheering for individuals based on birthplace would be matched if we were all instead supposed to show allegiance based on common star signs, sexual orientation, food preferences, size of feet or favourite colours.  Only when a player is competing for a national team in an international event does nationality have any relevance.

On the more general point of likeability being a factor when one decides on whom might be supported, Mr Murray has to date not really connected with the masses.  It's not really his fault, but I cannot help but point out he is woefully short of good attributes.  To lose out in terms of looks, personality, voice tone and sense of humour to Federer (a Swiss player !!!) is hardly a great start.

This year's Men's Singles Towel Wiping Final from Wimbledon was an exciting affair, with Roger Federer just managing to beat Andy Murray.  The ever-cool Federer managed to complete the match with fewer unforced towel wipes, winning three sets to one.

Tennis is of course a sport with extreme demands, and players are scientifically proven to be more likely to sweat profusely - why else would such frantic wiping be an integral feature of the game?  Footballers, basketball players, volleyball player and squash players are all complete lightweights in comparison, for they sweat so little and need no dab of a towel after every single point of any match, or between periods of play.

At one stage in history, it was thought that the massive problems caused by sweat had been solved through the invention of wristbands.  Yet, despite wearing one on each wrist, Andy Murray is living proof that they just don't work, and that they are inadequate for the amount of liquid that pours off his face.  The end result was a massive demand upon whichever ball girl was located at the back of the court, on the side from which he preferred to receive the point-by-point use of his towel.  In no other sport is there a servant to allow the mopping of a brow every minute for over three hours.  I noticed today that the duties of the ball girl at the back of the court were perhaps more than those of any other because in such a position, the input included mutiple facets.  These were:

1. Providing either three or four balls for Mr Murray to have a look at, ahead of serving.
2. Retrieving one or two balls nonchalently discarded so that there were just the two in his possession needed for a first and possible second serve.
3. At the end of a point during general play, running to pick up any balls terminating their journeys towards the back of the court.
4. Running to offer a towel wipe at the end of every point and/or exertion by Murray.
5. Replacing the towel on the chair of the line judge (who was permanently standing up just in front of it).
6. Running to hand over the towel at the end of a game, as Murray went to sit in his chair.

Doing all of the above in an energetic and attentive manner was no easy task.  It is true that in some respects, input was needed by Federer as well, but any observer would have seen that his single wristband seemed sufficient to mop his brow for much of the game, thus reducing the towel-passing requirement to about a third of what Murray required. 

At set point (first set) Andy Murray needed four balls before he could be happy with two that would be okay to use for his next point.  I have no idea what the criteria are for a tennis ball to make the grade, and pass inspection.  The ball boys and ball girls did a great job, though they were of course expected to pick up twice as many balls as necessary.  This was because they had to run around collecting those discarded by the players seconds after having requesting them. 

At two games to one in favour of Federer, in the second set, Murray was serving to start the fourth game.  After his minute-and-a-half rest, during which he'd no doubt prepared himself properly, he served an ace.  After this single and minimal exertion, he needed the ball girl to run towards him and provide the towel for a wipe of the forehead!  Pathetic.  I've seen a granny cover a number on a bingo card with her dobber using more pressure than Murray used with the towel.  It's all ritualistic and mad.  Just an observation - doubles players do not wipe their brows every point.  I am not sure why, but suspect it's got something to do with the fact that they have something else to be doing, to while away the seconds beween points.  This is of course the need to taps hands/palms/fingers/knuckles with their playing partner at the end of every fucking point.  What this proves, though, is that in singles, the towel wipe is an affectation and not a need.

The 3 Components of Andy Murray

William Wallace            Judy Murray                  Hard Bastard



So that's it, then, for another year.  I won't have to read about Bunny Austin, or Murray Mound / Henman Hill for a while, nor wonder why the women are paid the same for 'best of three' as the men are for 'best of five', especially when for ten years it's been true that Serena Williams has been more than able to compete with the blokes.  By the time Murray wins Wimbledon, I suspect Scotland would have become independent, and so I'll be expected to look for an Englishman upon whom I am supposed to pin all my hopes, cheer for incessantly, and lose all perspective.

Towels are being laundered (or stolen) as I type this report, and I give thanks for not having seen Cliff Richard.  However, it's true to say that I've seen so little of the tennis this year that I may have been luckier than most - not about seeing less tennis, but missing Cliff, if he was actually around the place.

...