Oh shit . . . . here we go again. I predict a pathetic "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here". I am toying with the idea of avoiding all possible contact with the programme, which is another formulaic, contrived, shit piece of television, touted to fuck for ages in the press and in trailers, and quite frankly it is boring. I believe television has got to breaking point with the crap served up to viewers. I demand something new. I am tired of the laziness that has become ingrained in both ITV and the BBC. Channel 5's attempt to make Big Brother work was an embarrassment, and an affront to anything that could be classed as entertainment.
IACGMOOH [which could be redefined as OMG, IAC, OH - Oh My God, I'm A Cunt, Oh Hell!] is quite simply the next thing in line for 2011, after Dancing on Ice, Celebrity Shit, Red or Black, X-Factor, and Strictly Cum Cuntin. It's almost like a circuit akin to the Tennis matches around the world. Dancing on Ice, X-Factor, Strictly Come Dancing and IACGMOOH are the 'Grand Slam' events.
It's all hype and shit (H&S). I have read some of the crap written in advance, to try and work up some interest in the programme. Let's look at the participants, who will be paid stupid money to spend some time doing silly things and eating a gerbil's cunt.
Sinitta: Famous for her 80s hit "So Macho". What a joke. Wheeling in Sinitta as a 'celebrity' is pathetic. She's a free-loader who'll do just about anything for money, and she has no talent at all. Did Cowell get her the gig, or are the imaginations of TV execs rather limited these days?
Fatima Whitbread: You're having a cuntin' laugh! Celebrity! My fucking arse! Not heard of her for decades, and apparently she counts as a 'celebrity' for once throwing a pointy thing. Utter cuntin' shit!
Freddie Starr: Aged 68 and no doubt at a loose end, he is clearly capitalising on a reputation acquired many years ago. Let's dredge up any old timer who was funny once - what about the "Monster From the Black Lagoon" - he was amusing.
Antony Cotton: Sorry, Sean (or is it Shaun?) from Corrie - I see you five times a week on the soap; there's no reason for me to endure even more of you. You've done the singing soapstar shit. I suppose 'Fizz' and 'Michelle' have had recent goes on other crappy programmes and you think that entitles you to grace our screens a bit more. No - I don't want to see you in the jungle; get sewing instead.
Jessica Jane Clement: Why use one name (like Sinitta) when three will do! 'Presenter' is she? That's the most dubious profession I know of, and generically a cop-out worth shit. She's 26, pretty, and is expected to attract bored male viewers. Fuck off, ITV.
Stefanie Powers: Oh dear - are we really that desperate to see an old star of series past? She is in theory a celebrity, perhaps, but I've seen more of my dead Granny than Stefanie Powers in the last twenty years, so how desperate is it that she and ITV have colluded to drag her to Australia.
Dougie Poynter: Is it compulsory to offer members of McFly a chance to participate in these shows. Harry Judd is on Strictly Cum Cuntin', and here we have the bassist of a lightweight (Flyweight?) band being included as a 'celebrity'. The world's gone bonkers ref the 'celebrity' tag.
Crissy Rock: Her off Benidorm. Oh, right. Riveting. Yawn.
Willie Carson: I refuse to bother commenting on this weeble.
Lorraine Chase: 'Famous' for little more than uttering "Luton Airport" on a 1970s advert, this woman is not a celebrity, despite her inclusion in some rubbish that goes on in Emmerdale.
Mark Wright: Something to do with TOWIE. The barrel has been scraped.
Pat Sharp is in the wings, waiting should anyone drop out - they're all fucking drop-outs!!!!
The word 'Celebrity' is the most meaningless tag now. There was a lottery 'press the red button that does fuck all' moment a few weeks ago, when a woman was encouraged on to the show to do the deed, after mentioning something about a funding project, and an event one evening in the preceding weeks. Asked if she'd met any 'celebrities', she said, "Yes, Amir Khan." No, dearie, he is not a celebrity; he is a boxer. I rather think that these days, you're a celebrity if people generally know who you are. I know of a guy called Father Christmas, I know of some chap called Satan. Are they celebrities? Sports people are not celebrities. There are nearly 100 football teams in the main divisions, each squad having 25 players, so does that mean 2500 celebrities? Fuck, no!
This apology for entertainment, this tired, uninspiring formula for wasting many hours, is better referred to as:
I'm a Cunt, Get Me Out of Here! - [ and pay me loads, plus get me advertising income and sponsorship on the back of my attendance in a little piece of Australia ]
H&S - need I say more . . . ?
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