No, not what you're thinking. The "Panic Room" that may spring to mind is the one in the film of that name, with Jodie Foster playing the lead, supported by Kristen Stewart as her daughter. Earlier today, I found myself witnessing the existence of a panic room that was (and still is) somewhat larger than the one in the film. So large, in fact, that hundreds of people were inside.
The idea, of course, is that those inside a panic room are safe, and no one can get in. The 'twist' on the version I came across today was that not only could no one get in, no one could get out! The very large panic room contained everything one could possibly need to survive for many months, possibly even years. I will put you out of your misery and now reveal more about this strange place; you may be surpised to learn that it was none other than an ASDA store.
Many thousands of square feet containing all sorts of items had attracted hundreds of people. Inside, they wandered around, warm and safe, ignorant of the outside world, and they mooched around choosing things they'd like to have. I was outside the store, and wanted to get in - but the 'panic room' was resisting my advances. The main reason for this was not the presence of steel doors, concrete walls or a time lock. No, the ASDA store was technically open and not supposed to be a 'fortress'. "What made it so?", I hear you ask. The fucking entrance being six feet wide, that's what!
So, the retail giant decided that this particular store would best serve its customers' needs by allowing them a six-foot wide opening, through which every single shopper (complete with trolley - and possibly pushchair/wheelchair/guide dog/delinquent kids) must enter and leave. What a fucking bottleneck! Twats!
I was recently in another town's version of a panic room, where the entrance/exit was in fact a pair of six-foot doors, affording a very slight improvement on the above, despite their being at right angles to each other and encouraging a 'free for all' in the entrance area. However, to get to the main area, there's a small walkway, and this is where there's usually a problem. Two weeks ago, I was obstructed by multiple cunts with trolleys, who had stopped to chat. A security guard sat close by, doing nothing; not surprising as no fucker could easily move let alone get in with a bomb or out with a fillet of beef under a jumper. After what was a painfully slow 'edging' process, further progress was then actively discouraged by an inanimate object - a fucking metal 'carousel' containing baguettes! So, one of the things jeopardising entry to the store (and creating a risk that I might abort) was the point-of-sale structure resulting from some idiot's insistence that I might desperately need a baguette for 50 fucking pence - on my way into a massive shop!
Don't panic - I didn't buy one. As for today, I managed to get inside, and when leaving some forty minutes later, I avoided the oncoming fat man.
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