2.11.10 Lollipop People

No, not people with long thin bodies and large sticky heads, but the peculiar people who wield coloured scaffolding poles with a circle on the top!

Let's start with the male/female split; the 'occupation' is rather dominated by women, and so it's the case that 95% of these people are Lollipop Ladies.  I am not sure actually what the correct title is, but I am quite sure there's another name logged in officialdom - probably School Crossing Patrol Wardens, or some other cuntin' stupid title.  Whatever - to be a Lollipop Person requires certain attributes.  First, you need to have an ability to look like a bit of a cunt.  Then you need to practise signalling in a stupidly overt/OTT way, with gestures that include feigned thanks to drivers who have stopped, exaggerated hand movements indicating that drivers should stop, and insincere waves to suggest a 'Thank You'.  It's also vital that an air of superiority and power oozes from your orifices and skin, if you're to be a successful 'Little Hitler'.

Moving on now to the various approaches adopted by these creatures, in broad terms we have -

The Useless Cunt

This is the one who never ventures from the kerb unless there's already a break in the traffic during which Hannibal and his cuntin' troup of elephants could cross the road before a car got anywhere near them.  She will simply wait for a space, while children 'back up' on the pavement, and then when it's all clear, step out to plant herself in the middle of the road for a few seconds.  After smaller people (though rarely much smaller) have crossed, she'll withdraw to the side, with a feeble wave.

The Fuckin' Useless Cunt

This 'strain' of Lollipop Person is stationed at a fuckin' crossing!!!!!!  She never even needs the cuntin' lollipop because in actual fact she's employed as a pissin' button pusher.  The general approach is similar to 'The Useless Cunt' above, but with the added uselessness of relying on traffic lights to bring drivers to a stop.  What the fuck?

The Cunt

This person maintains a fucked-up view of the world, and assumes that the predominantly yellow attire gives authority to laud it over the rest of us.  This is the core of the whole 'service', and these people need to get a life.  They hover at the roadside, and take extreme pleasure in deciding when they feel like stopping traffic, and how often.  They will move to the middle of the road when it suits them, however regularly that may be.  It is within their power to wait for road-crossers to gather/accumulate before fucking up the road; however, they will often make multiple efforts to bring traffic to a standstill.  It is this strain that best displays the cuntish policy of 'excessive delay'.  You know what I mean - loitering in the fucking road when it's so obvious that the road is clear and every person wanting to cross has long since reached a place where there is no threat to life.  The Lollipop Cunt will affectedly provide a smile/sneer/grimace, taking ages to amble back to the cuntin' kerb, and during the process, deign to give a wave (almost 'regal' in some cases) to acknowledge that we're all getting on swimmingly and that together we've all helped little cuntin' Jimmy not die on his way to school!

There you have it, the truth.  But I've not finished just yet.  The final comments relate to the cost of this pointless industry.  Most people will acknowledge that there are far too many cunts earning £16/day for two hour's work.  In some locations, they appear every few hundred yards.  There are so few deaths on the road prevented by 'Useless Cunts', 'Fuckin Useless Cunts' and 'Cunts' that the nation is possibly spending many, many, many millions of pounds to achieve precisely nothing.

In fact, I suspect there is a negative reaction that contributes to subsequent problems.  It's the 'Hello Syndrome'.  Lollipop Prats are well known for thinking they are appreciated by all, and form a valuable part of the tapestry of local communities.  With this in mind, they proceed to wave at any passing cunt, as though a driver gives a fuck.  This false sense of belonging displays the neediness of many Lollipop Twats and serves to annoy/distract drivers.  In fact, it is not wrong to claim that they have the effect of moving humble drivers towards a state of road rage.  Perhaps we all ought to start a movement whereby any wave from one of the three strains of Lollipop Person is met with a hand signal from a passing driver.  There are three options; the 'wanker' action, the 'finger', and the rather more reserved 'V-sign'.  Whatever signal is chosen, I sincerely think this is the way forward.