25.12.19 MasterChef ShitShow

As a starter, here are some pathetic utterances in the world of food, just to get you going.  As Bamber Gascoigne would have said, "Your starter for ten".  A programme on Food Network has provided the sustainable source for this post.

There is a few more ingredients to add - woman (Gizzi) on the Food Network channel
Boil it up - her again
So it's super super smooth, and to get it extra smooth .... -  her again
Reduce it down - a different woman (Lisa Faulkner) this time, same channel, same shite
Chop it through - Matt, joining in with the shit
I'm gonna flavour this up - Jun Tanaka on the same show

However, the focus of my attention now is the BBC main course of MasterChef.  There are different versions - Re-Match, Celebrity, Kids, etc.  But the standard version offers nourishment enough in terms of verbal bollocks.  Yes, aside from the extended coverage of apron tying (which of course can quite legitimately now be a contender for inclusion in the Olympics, such is the prevalence of the sport) and the face-pulling creepiness of Gregg Wallace, there is an inordinate amount of contentious rubbish spoken by all.

MasterChef  has recently given us so much in the way of crap.  I've sat and listened to weird activities like "frying off"  and "saucing the plate".  Thicko Gregg Wallace of course is exuberant (my gentle term to comment on his scary facial expressions and runaway mouth) and while performing on his other TV show in various factories each week, treats us to grammatical flops like "How many ingredients goes into a mince pie".  Monica Galetti is not immune from criticism, herself capable of "saucing the plate" and pointless use of the word "cookery", while all the time retaining an awareness of how flavours "cut through" something else.  Sean Pertwee whispers, purrs and fucking annoys throughout these shows, trying to be oddly seductive with his explanations and observations on the kitchen activities.  He is far from excused, as his own waffle includes so many servings of crap, such as:

It was marinaded - Sean Pertwee
While Stu roasts off his cabbage - Sean Pertwee

But, folks, the MasterShit talker on MasterChef this series has proven to be Marcus Wareing.

His relentless chatter contains numerous faux pas, and aside from his addiction to the forced use of the work "cookery" at every possible opportunity (instead of "cooking"), he cannot seem to avoid talking about how things have been executed.  This is not in reference to the wringing of a chicken's neck or the stunning and throat cutting of a larger animal (sadly not Gregg) but the fairly normal activity of cooking.  "Executing cookery" does not cunting exist!

What you want to do with the shallots is sweat them down - Marcus Wareing
To sort of mellow the curry flavour down - Marcus Wareing
I asked you to butcher down the chicken - Marcus Wareing
You don't want too much temperature - Marcus Wareing
It's been marinaded - Marcus Wareing
They've been marinading - Marcus Wareing
I like how it was sauced in the middle - Marcus Wareing
The cookery of the guinea fowl is outstanding - Marcus Wareing

There is much more in the pot, but you get the point.  Spare prepositions are sprinkled randomly into conversation, tautology is rife, and butter has to be in everything (according to Gregg).  Monica has toned down her eyebrow movements and facial expressions, passing the spare capacity to Gregg, who can scare kids at 1000 paces.  As he leers into the screen, Marcus models greasy hair and Monica toys with whether to wear her glasses or not.  It all takes far too long and I still struggle with the fact that chefs are routinely asked to do extra tasks, like cook in a famous restaurant for a famous chef whom no one knows, yet their efforts are not scored and no account of their efforts is taken in deciding who goes through to the next round.  I have nothing more to say, other than in respect of the unfortunate death of the word "dish".  It is now abused to cunting fuck, over used, and misused.  The knock on effect is that the once intriguing "Dish of the Day" term is sadly antagonistic.

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24.11.19 The Grand Old Duke Of York

It seems that not only is Prince Andrew now exposed as a more than dishonourable man, he has been shown to have no idea what counts as truthful.  Aside from his own actions and flaws, it seems he has continued to allow influence from his awful ex-wife, Sarah Ferguson and one of the two offspring.  Yes, as well as Amanda Thirsk, a misguided adviser who has in fact served the public so well in pressing Andrew to speak out via the BBC, both Beatrice and Sarah encouraged him and helped with the planning of the interview.  These two have ended up making positive contributions to the public's awareness of the Duke of York's deeds etc.  I normally bemoan the 'freeloading' that is permanently associated with all of the Yorks, but it now seems appropriate to highlight the help these two have given to the exposing of what needed to be exposed.

The knock-on effects of course includes the fallout for the other three Yorks.  Far from a 'clearing of the air' ahead of Beatrice's wedding, the outpouring of arrogance and up-his-own-arse-ness will most certainly cause a shrinking of the public's tolerance of them all (if having no effect on their actual feelings of entitlement).

Apparently Beatrice has been crying all week, in the aftermath of the interview and the public's reaction.  What about the tears of all of those coerced and abused by Epstein?  Far from putting all the rumours behind them, the interview has brought the house down.  The only conceivable outcome for the Royal Family is an amputation of the horrible foursome all together.

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23.11.19 The Chase

A 'celebrity' version of the chase today featured Natalie Cassidy.  I know; a stretch too far indeed.  Anyway, I was all set to be unimpressed, and I was suitably rewarded.  Sadly for the charity involved, her performance was weaker than I though humanly possible.  Her cash-builder round yielded a total of £2000.  The two questions she got right were Rio de Janeiro for the host of the games, and Jam for what could go in front of Tart and something else.  This from somebody who had claimed in the small talk beforehand that she liked quizes, and was quite good at general knowledge.  How the un-mighty fall.

The embarrassment might have (you'd think) toned down her verbal input and attitude for the further input.  But no - she was up her arse.  Her £2k on the board was added to with offers of £1k for a step lower, and £50k for a step nearer.  She went for the grand.

The questions were able to reveal her ongoing weakness, yet she goaded the Beast without just cause.  Scraping through with the £1k was deemed an achievement by no one in the studio other than Natalie.  Her smugness was nauseating.

3 of the 12 point total were gained by her, with Dave the cook getting the other 9.  Obviously they were caught in a minute.

Crap indeed.

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17.11.19 Three Labour Disasters

There are so very many Labour disasters which I could spout on about, but it would be rather pointless.  Better I give just a brief comment.

Instead of the official opposition being in the driving seat, and perfectly placed to expose the Tory Cunts for what they undoubtedly are, Labour is in disarray.  Corbyn is no doubt a nice chap, but he is in no way fit to be a 'leader' and all that such entails.  His fence sitting is quite utterly amazing, and of course misplaced.  His being at odds with other prominent figures in the party, at odds with official Labour Party policy and at odds with other parties, is all obvious - and well documented.  It is this situation that results in the overall result - he is failing so completely in his approach to presenting a party for the working classes. 

To his right, we have John McDonnell, a complete lunatic; enough said.  Then to his underside, we have Diane Abbott, the most useless minister-in-waiting that the country could wish for.  As a trio, they are simply awful, and to so many people, unelectable.  Removal of the trio would, with perhaps Kier Starmer as leader, would suddenly transform Labour (perhaps with an added nudge to dispense with Emily Thornberry) and give it a chance to contest head to head with Boris Johnson.

Sadly, Labour as a party is misguided, and actually, useless.  That is so sad - appalling in fact - and the consequences are dire for the country.  The Tory front bench is not of the same ilk at all, and collectively the ministers form a cunt-of-a-cabinet.  Lies, deceit, cuntism and greed are combined in a cocktail that is lethal.  The lack of a credible opposition will allow the Tories to walk all over ordinary people.  In the end, the cuntism will be exposed, but by then, it will be way too late, and the UK will have been fucked to the point of no return.

"Oh dear" is the understatement of the post-war times.

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17.11.19 The Worst Thing About Strictly

The Worst Thing About Strictly Come Dancing

13.11.19 Bake Off Kids

For anyone who has an opinion of The Great British Bake Off, step back and have a look at Junior Bake Off.  This is marvellous, and such an endorsement of the participants, and of course, Harry Hill.

These kids are wonderful/delightful, and the programme is head and shoulders above the adult version.

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11.11.19 The Mountain - ITV

This fucking programme gets off to such a shit start.  First, we are subjected to Joanna Lumley's breathy introduction about the programme being sponsored by some company or other, ahead of the voice-over bloke waffling. Then we have to endure prissiness that's a challenge and a half.

His scene-setting line is delivered in such a pompous way, and he uses a plural that is out-cunting-rageous.  Matthew Gravelle narrates, and comes out with the statement:

I've seen mountains in the Himalaya that look less dramatic.

Well, Mr Gravelle, Snowdon may be deserving of a compliment or two, but NOT if you're going to be pretentious.  The plural of Himalaya is only Himalaya if you are pompous and being a twat.

This follows hot on the heels of Sir David Attenborough who yesterday fucked me off with "Puma" as the plural of "Puma".  Yes, he's a national treasure, blah blah blah, but really!  "The puma are ...." is a disgrace.

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10.11.19 Not Much of a Sunday, and Some Cuntism

A very brief visit to b&m was hardly inspirational.  There is something particularly bland about any visit to a b&m store.  The contents of any one of the numerous outlets are a weird mixture indeed, and trying to work out the market positioning of this chain is a bit of a challenge.  That's not to say that some of the offerings are not good value, but there are most certainly issues in the range of items that make their way on to the shelves.  The randomness is certainly odd in some quarters, and there seems a real lack of logic.  Anyway, I did pick up two bars of Galaxy chocolate, the large ones at 360g, for just £2 each.  But then my desire for some onion gravy was not satisfied, as I could only obtain the regular stuff in a red tub, or chicken.

I was perplexed by the tannoy announcement delivered by a woman's upbeat voice, which declared:

We are now recruiting for seasonal colleagues

Now, aside form the word "for" being totally uncalled for [looking for, yes, or just recruiting] I was immediately set wondering what a "seasonal colleague" is.  Never before had I encountered this particular job; I've obviously heard of seasonal workers as a term for those needed for things likes fruit picking, and of course for busy times like Christmas, but it was surprising to hear the actual employer using the term in a verbal advert, bolted on to the SHIT term 'colleague'.  Companies are these days obsessed with this word, as though it makes workers seem rather more valued than there actually are.  Asda workers are being treated very poorly with regard to their revised contracts, yet the petrol pumps show a message suggesting fuel purchasers should, if they have any problems, "contact a colleague".  What the fuck?

Still, there's all sorts of shit uttered by people these days.  The Match of the Day commentator this weekend  referred to:

The current incumbent 

Clearly there are thick people in abundance.  The news on TV includes a spat between the Conservatives and Labour over the costs of the latter's policy commitments.  John McDonnell is most certainly a lunatic, and dangerous.  In fact I find most of the prominent Labour Shadow Cabinet to be dangerous, inept, and wholly unsuitable for office (with the exception of Kier Starmer).  But however unsuitable these numpties are, and I cannot abide Dianne Abbott, there are outdone by the Conservatives, who are collectively a bunch of cunts.  This is actually the major difference, because both camps are claiming to be ready to spend billions and sort out the problems.  But I look at Boris Johnson, Sajid Javid, Priti Patel, Gove, Rees-Mogg, Leadsom, Raab, Hancock, Barclay, Truss and Cleverly, and I see........

Cuntism rather than Conservatism.

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3.11.19 Offending People

The world's current obsession with trying to avoid offending people results in what I can only describe as stupidity, and offence being caused by the very act of supposedly trying not to offend.

In today's paper is a piece about theatres set to ban the phrase "ladies and gentlemen".  This is -

CUNTING FUCKING STUPID INDEED.

It allegedly excludes those who do not identify as either, and as a result, theatres are set to cater for those who are in limbo, while pissing off any person quite happy to recognise that they are male or female.  So let's piss off over 99% of people in case there is someone in the audience who cannot work out if he/she is a he or a she or something else, who is offended by not being included.

By default, there is no place in society for the phrase "boys and girls" as this would clearly upset any child who was confused about himself/herself.  Ludicrous crap.

Perhaps we should move towards a better style of introduction, then; something along the lines of:

Ladies, Gentlemen, Trans People, Hermaphrodites and Lady Boys - welcome to this production of Much Ado About Nothing.

The world is fucked up.

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3.11.19 What's At Steak? Terror at the Checkouts

A few weeks ago, I had to show my receipt to an Asda security bloke who approached me with the comment "It's probably steaks".  He was correct, and it was my purchase of three steaks for a tenner that had caused the major alert, and audible bollocks.  A cursory look at the long till receipt meant I could proceed.  It was laughable that many items I'd purchased were rather more valuable than a few lumps of cow at £3.33 each.  I learned that if I want to steal something from Asda, I could either: a) avoid steaks and steal other things I might fancy that will not trigger alarms, or b) include steaks in a future shopping trip as cover for stealing other items, in the knowledge that my purchase of steak would protect me from any suspicion resulting from an alarm going off.

Of course this is all hypothetical.  In fact, before I get anywhere near the exit, trained Asda staff would most likely have sent me loopy with mental torture - inane questions posed to me at the checkouts.  Worse than water-boarding, the interrogation techniques are designed to suck out of any shopper's brain the will to live, let alone complete an act of theft.

There is one approach that might conceivably be a protection, but it requires some balls to effect it.  This involves a preemptive strike, to turn the tables on a programmed checkout operator.

"Hi - Before you ask,

I have got my own fucking bags,

I am totally fine with packing my own shit,

I am sufficiently prepared not to require separate little useless bags for fresh meat which is in fact already wrapped to a satisfactory standard,

No I did not manage to find everything I was looking for, but your asking me if I have gives no value to my shopping experience and you don't give a shit anyway,

Please don't open the egg carton to inspect the eggs because I am not a moron and have already done that,

No, I have no need of a fucking hanger, thanks,

What I have done so far today is none of your fucking business so don't ask,

What I am doing with the rest of my day is also my business, so stick to scanning,

Before you exceed your remit, I will have no enthusiasm for discussing with you ANY of my purchases, and hearing whether you like something at any level,

Don't you dare resort to comments on the weather!

Thank you."

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2.11.19 Why ITV Is Fucked

It cannot escape the attention of anyone looking at today's TV schedule that ITV is fucked beyond any reasonable level.  The line-up of shite demonstrates so easily that ITV is a disgrace.  From midday to midnight, it's cunting crap.

12:15 The Mountain (Repeat)
A year in the life of Snowdon

12:50 Ninja Warrior UK (Repeat)
A whole hour devoted to a repeat of the obstacle course challenge

1:50 You've Been Framed (Repeat)
Another lump of repeated video clips

2:55 Midsomer Murders (Repeat)
A lazy 2-hour padding out of a Saturday afternoon

4:55 Tipping Point (Repeat)
Another cunting hour of repeated shite

5:55 News

6:15 The Chase Celebrity Special (Repeat)
The word 'celebrity' has, as ever, been misused

7:10 Take Me Out (Shit)
The first programme not to be a repeat, but a completely disgusting use of airtime, to abuse viewers with an hour and twenty minutes of pure shit, hosted by the nauseating Paddy McGuinness.  Never in the field of viewing has such a pile of cack been presented as prime time entertainment on terrestrial television.

8:30 X-Factor Celebrity (Shit)
A pile of piss, featuring Louis Walsh, Simon Cowell, Nicole Shitslinger, Dermot O'Dreary and people who can't sing.  An hour and fifty minutes of torture.

10:20 The Jonathan Ross Show (Shit)
I don't like the fucker

11:25 News

11:40 Lethal Weapon (Shit)
The poor and corny as fuck series that has no place on TV or reason for being

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30.10.19 Cunt of the Day

Driving like an arsehole is a common phenomenon these days, and today I was treated to a display by the bloke in

NL10 LCG

who was more than eager to tailgate, undertake, and push into a fast lane that had no real available space for his little red car. 

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28.10.19 Priti Pathetic Patel et al

News At Ten included a small section on the comments by the horrendous Priti Patel in the House of Commons.  While trotting out some guff that said little at all (her forte on all matters) she called the human traffickers "unscrupable" - a word that simply does not exist.  What a twat.

After she "went rogue" in Israel, denying putting a foot wrong but having 12 meetings without the Foreign Office being aware, she was quite properly sacked.  Some holiday, that, and an outrageous set of actions.  Then two years later, she is made Home Secretary by Boris Johnson.  How the cunting fuck is she fit for such a role?  As bad as her being elevated to this position was the utter lack of judgement and pure cuntism of the PM in appointing her.

There is no decency at all in the Tory Party.  A few older hands do command some respect, Ken Clarke for example, and actually, Heseltine.  But the front bench is inhabited by a useless lying bunch of wankers - BJ, Sajiv Javid, Patel, Gove, Rees Mogg, Raab.  Then there are the useless fucks who add zero value to anything - Liz Truss, Leadsom, Hancock, Barclay. 

There is simply no justification for voting Conservative, with this shower of shit in power.

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27.10.19 Awful Weather Forecasters

Once upon a time, weather forecasters were people with some sense of integrity, gravitas and education.  This has long since been superseded by 'personalities' who are simply presenters with no real talent, and a penchant for being cuntish in their pathetic use of the English language, for dumbing down of anything meteorological, and for glibness that deserves a kick in the cunt/cock depending on what sex they purport to be.

Here are just a few of the unfathomable utterances of weather nobs.

As temperatures slip away - Lucy Verasamy
As we make our way overnight - Ross Hutchinson
Bits and pieces of cloud - Ross Hutchinson
The odd bit and piece of rain - Radio 4
A rash of showers off the North Sea - Louise Lear
A rash of frequent showers - Louise Lear
Bits and pieces of rain - Louise Lear
Quite a few bits and pieces of cloud - Louise Lear
It's very messy out there today - Louise Lear
It'll likely be a quite week for weather - Louise Lear
A quiet story across the country today - Louise Lear
The cloudy and damp conditions continue to journey eastwards - Kerry Gosling
The weather will be quietening down - Louise Lear
A quieter day tomorrow - Louise Lear
Here it could be a bit cool and disappointing - Louise Lear
Quietening things down for the week - Louise Leer
Some nuisance rain - Louise Lear
Rain showers rattling along - Sarah Keith-Lucas
There will be a few tricky moments out there - Louise Lear
This front will weaken off considerably - Louise Lear
One or two splashes of rain - Matt on Radio 4
Plenty of sunshine overhead - Matt on Radio 4
Bitterly cold temperatures - Amanda Houston
Plenty of perky sunshine - Lucy Verasamy
Temperatures responding quite well - Lucy Verasamy
Clouds will sprout up from almost nowhere - Radio 4
North of The Wash, I'm hopeful the cloud will pop away - Radio 4
A colder week of weather - Abbie Dewhurst
One or two dribs and drabs of rain - Tomasz Schafernaker
It will be a quieter week - Tomasz Schafernaker
We'll have showers, some of them quite lively - Susan Ray
The rain will plonk itself over the region - Ross Hutchinson

Other mutterings include this nonsense:

A quiet night
It will become drier and cheer up later
Temperatures will really struggle
Some wintriness on the hills
The satellite picture shows this big lump of rain
A short sharp thrust of gusty wind

What a load of shite.
As for Becky Mantin, her winking is a fucking affront, so someone at ITV ought to tell her to sort herself out!

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27.10.19 Pundit Bollocks

Most pundits and commentators suffer from a serious deficiency in grammar, common sense and the ability to make decent contributions.  Here's a selection of the tripe that they relay in the course of their various roles, and unbelievably they get paid a lot of money for it.

Henderson came off his perch
Glenn Hoddle

Danny rose has gotta be really careful now and play within himself
Glenn Hoddle

That's two shots from either player that have been top drawer
MOTD commentator

Don't be surprised if them two, including Fernandinho, continues in the back four
Phil Neville

He's beginning to show the kind of form that I think he can do
Phil Neville

Next up, the teams who've had the least amounts of goals
Gary Lineker

As a keeper, you've got to hold your hands up
Paul Ince

Even though they lost the fewest amount of matches
Sports Reporter on BBC News

We were sat in and around their fans
Martin Keown

Play positive
Jermaine Jenas

His feet are like paint brushes
Martin Keown

Watford will be kicking theirselves if they let this run away from them
MOTD Commentator

They will have to face a game that neither of them want
Alistair Mann

They work as a tandem
Paul Ince

They wasn't poor but they wasn't quite at the races
Jermaine Jenas

Zuma was in and around him
Ian Wright

The goalkeepers can really make a hero for themselves
Ian Osment

He give them such an option
Danny Murphy

Everyone in the stadium are up on their feet
MOTD Commentator

Look at the players in and around him
Dion Dublin

With a number of Newcastle players in and around him
Alan Shearer

On the right hand side, whether it was Iwobi or Awellbeck
Alan Shearer

Getting themselves into those situations are hard enough
Jermaine Jenas

There's nothing that VAR have seen to change the decision
MOTD Commentator

Provided VAR don't see a reason
MOTD Commentator

Look at the amount of bodies they get forward
Jermaine Jenas

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26.8.19 Cash Converters - Hard Times

I was shopping on Saturday and on seeing a Cash Converters shop, decided to have a look at what was on offer.  The short answer to "What was worth buying?" is "Nothing."  It was a sorry state of affairs, seeing stuff that had so little merit, but the reason for this brief post relates to the credit terms that are available on all items in the shop.

I can understand how having six weeks to pay might be of real benefit to people, especially those on benefits, and credit terms sort of go hand in hand with the whole purpose of Cash Converters and its business model.  But on Saturday, I considered that things have now gone a bit too far.  The reason for this conclusion?  Simply the option to spread the payments over six weeks for a purchase at ONE POUND.  That's right, a quid.

On offer, by the counter, were some DVDs, and whilst in years gone by they would have commanded a pound each, the climate is now rather different.  The going rate is £1 for five DVDs.  This lowly pitch for finding them a new home was enhanced by the management, through an offer to extend payment over six weeks.  The up-front requirement was 22 pence, and this allowed the balance to be cleared at 13p per week over the following six weeks.  What a pointless exercise indeed.

Per DVD, this means I could have paid a deposit of 4.4 pence, and then taken the next six weeks to settle, so 2.6 pence per week.  I was, and still am, dumbfounded by this level of commercial interaction.

The saddest part is that even with such low prices, and credit beyond the limits of sensibility, I saw none that I could summon up enthusiasm for.  This must be the definition of 'worthless'.

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19.8.19 Disabled - My Arse

Asda shopper pulls up, and takes the second nearest space to the entrance, reserved for blue badge holders.  I watched the driver enter the store, seemingly not disabled, and certainly not in possession of any blue badge that was on display. I suspected some cuntism was in play.

He's not alone - there is a constant stream of offenders, both in the Blue Badge bays, and the Parent and Child bays.  Asda makes zero effort to be bothered about who parks where, so no wonder its customers do not give a shit.

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20.7.19 Kia Ceed Review

Lane Departure Warning System
Lane Keeping Assist-Line

I had no intention of reviewing the Kia Ceed (now written without an apostrophe, apparently) but circumstances determined that the hire company in Spain presented me with the Ceed 1.4 CVVT in bright blue, rather than the Vauxhall Astra that I was expecting.  As the rental arrangements are such that something 'similar' is allowed, I had to get to grips with an unfamiliar model.

Had I received an Astra, this post would clearly not exist.  I would know exactly what to expect with the Vauxhall, and it would be pointless to pass comments.  I suspect that the Goldcar system of allocating cars has a log that the Ceed is at least equal to an Astra, but I would like to suggest now that this is simply not the case.

The CVVT model (no idea what this stands for, and I have no intention of looking it up to clog my memory with useless information) is potentially linked to the numerous fucking extras and electrical features.  That's just a guess, but the dashboard and fucking cunting beeping rather bears that out.  The array of switches, lights and warnings (plus the Spanish screen that no doubt allows connection to my smart phone) are all of no interest to me.  There is one feature, however, that cannot be ignored at all; it is the car's weird mission to interfere with the steering and take control of the wheel.

I have spent nearly 40 years driving, and in all that time I have successfully managed to point the car in the right direction, and maintain control.  These days, motor manufacturers have decided that drivers are no longer adequately equipped to steer a cunting car.  Hence, the advent of (in Kia's case):

Lane Departure Warning System
Lane Keeping Assist-Line

This pair of programmes is a fucking nightmare.  I collected the hire car at 10.30pm, and setting off from the car park, I was reasonably confident.  But of course, I have no idea at that point of the subversive electrics that were lying in wait.

On the main road, I got up to speed, and various beeps were coming at me from somewhere on the dashboard.  Sadly, I did not have time to google a driver's manual for the Ceed (not one in the car) and read up on the version I was sitting in,  On the move, I became a bit concerned with every passing minute.  I felt like I was losing control of the vehicle at regular intervals. 

I stopped half hour in, to check the tyres, as I was concerned they were soft, and the cause of the veering and wavering that the car was displaying.  I realised then that there were factors beyond my control here - literally - and that I would have to get to grips with the car's features the next day.

Sure enough, the intrusive feature could be turned off,  Sadly, this was via the tap of a button which worked until the car ignition was switched off. So every time i started the engine, I had to hit this button.  This was made worse because the car would not let me open the boot with the engine running, or even with the fucking key in the ignition.  Further, the rear doors would not open either. Child safety locks prevented passengers letting themselves out, and any attempt by me to assist required the handbrake, stop the engine, remove the key and then get out to open the fucking door.  Then, in restarting, I had to remember to disable the steering shite.

The car is under-powered, and slight hills are more of a challenge than they should be.  All in all, I would suggest to any purchaser of the Ceed, (after first asking "why are you bothering?") to avoid all the gimmicks.  The lane Keeping/Departure crap is wholly disconcerting, and I would argue dangerous.  Rather the opposite to the intended outcome.

A final note relates to the advice I received en route to the airport at the end of my break.  I was minding my own business, the Lane Departure and Lane Keeping technology was of course disabled, and I was 50 minutes in on a journey that would take no more than 75 minutes.  The dashboard 'pinged' and in the small square, through the wheel, in the centre of the dash, I saw a picture of a steaming hot drink.  The message below suggested I might do well to consider a coffee break.  What the fucking fuck?  The picture and message disappeared after a few seconds, but I was prompted again when this shite was repeated after a further ten minutes.

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13.6.19 Liz Truss - No Trust

I was unfortunate enough this week to be listening to Radio 4 when Liz Truss was being interviewed by John Humphrys.  I have rarely endured such a pathetic level of input from a politician.

Liz Truss was quite simply an embarrassment to herself, and decency, as she steadfastly refused to answer the questions posed, regarding Boris Johnson's suitability to hold the office of Prime Minister. This interview showed her to be a toadie and a cock-sucker indeed, as she lauded him, while repeatedly dodging the questions put to her.  She did nothing to remove any of the concerns over Boris and his suitability, and everything to confirm she is a complete twat.

This woman cannot be trusted to deliver any sort of decent, honest or valuable input.  I listened with disgust at this pointless studio presence, and the shit that was served to us in a nasal tone.  Fuck off, luv, if you cannot answer straightforward questions, and you clearly want a promotion.

For the record, anyone who believes that Boris Johnson is a fit and proper person to be the Prime Minister is deluded, crazy and a twat as well.  It is actually deplorable that the Tories are likely to have him in the last two for the race to PM, let alone likely to elect him.  The buffoon and liar is in no way a sensible choice.

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7.6.19 Sign Writing Disasters

I have long been interested in sign writing approaches, and the variation on vans is massive.  Among the professional looking vans is a contingent that is quite simply embarrassing.  I have seen so many spelling mistakes, and issues where attention to detail is non-existent.  The latest example was clocked yesterday in an Asda car park.

This is laughable really. 

NON FERREOUS instead of NON FERROUS
GENARATE instead of GENERATE

Not to mention of course that Non-Ferrous and Petrochemical are not nouns like the others, and are thus grammatically inconsistent in this list of things the company "works in".

The best one last week was on a silver builder's van -

ALL BUILDING WORK UNDERTAKING

Double glazing companies are so often the culprits, and I've previously reported on things like:

SOFITS instead of SOFFITS
FACIAS instead of FASCIAS
GUTERING instead of GUTTERING

And there's the classic - NO JOB TO SMALL

...

2.6.19 Britain's Got Talent Winner

What a nice bloke.  I think that he has sung his three songs rather well in the last few weeks, and he does have a good voice for someone who is 89 years old.

BUT ...........

No way is he in possession of anything resembling 'talent', which I believed was the point of the show, and the purpose of all the auditions.  Unfortunately an old chap in a red uniform warbling is NOT someone who should be winning a talent contest.

If the aim was to pick a nice, safe, likeable chap to send to the Royal Variety Performance, then no one could better fit the bill.  Colin, tonight's winner, is undoubtedly a decent man with some passion and humility.  But how does this fit with the search for talent? 

I fear next year's search will be full of more nauseating dance troops, many school kids trying to emulate the Flakefeet kids, and far too many pets.  All pointless, though, because the winner will be someone that won't have much by way of talent.

...

2.6.19 Simply Be & JD Williams

The relentless adverts for Simply Be and JD Williams are missing the final word - "Fat".  I have deduced this after watching very large women wriggling and wiggling on screen, wearing clothes that allegedly make them look beautiful.  I am not disputing that these might be beautiful people, but their bodies are hardly so referred to.

"I'm an independent woman" is the main line that belts out of the TV as these big women try to convince other woman that they should but these garish garments from JD Williams.  I had never realised that independent is a synonym of fat.

I have no axe to grind here regarding the sale of clothing or the styles selected by/for women whose size is 20+, but I reject the notion that their wobbling on screen in this attire is attractive or worthwhile.  I feel I am being challenged not to discriminate, and to bow to this attempt to promote obesity as fine.  This is the same sort of approach as the "body positive" tag that is the alternative way of fat people determining that it's okay to beckon diabetes and a mobility scooter.

...

2.6.19 Mitchum Deodorant Issues

Watching television in the UK, I expect the cunts advertising their shit to be able to use the English language.  Unfortunately this product is a complete failure, and I will not be contributing to the Revlon Corporation's sales.

Triple Odor Defense

The three-word product has two words that are misspelled ! 

I appreciate that in the USA, viewers of adverts will accept this spelling, and not bat an eyelid.  But if UK television is to accept advertisers' pitches, I demand that they respect the language and stop this essential dumbing down, and morphing of the world into a swamp of mediocrity and poor standards.


Odour Defence
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10.4.19 Celebrity Firing Squad

Anyone else completely fed up with these useless TV programmes which involve the same "celebrities" participating in pointless games, treks, shenanigans and experiences?  This tiresome and relentless conveyor belt of dross has meant out TV channels are swamped with low quality programmes, and arseholes get inflated views of themselves.  I believe the TV commissioning bods have missed a trick so far, and that there is a sure fire winner of a format just begging to be introduced to a needy public.  Celebrity Firing Squad.

The concept, if that's not too grandiose a term for it, is simply to round up useless cunts, talentless twats and horrible has-beens, and introduce them to the audience as potential targets for a firing squad.  It could be that out of ten, one is voted for and dispensed with, and a new arrival is introduced for the next round.  There is something 'gladiatorial' about that, and it would always be possible for some to stay alive every week, should they be more popular than others, and survive the series.  Perhaps the "I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here" approach could be viable, but ejection is swapped for the Firing Squad.  The nine not chosen would form the firing squad for the one selected for elimination.

A sure fire winner in my book, and actually, a public service.

...

8.4.19 Bad Driver of the Day

Muscling in from the inside lane (after undertaking) when there was simply no space for his black Insignia.  The vaping nob entered the Tyne Tunnel, and midway through, decided to cross double white lines, moving to the left lane, and then undertake.  Twat.

DY17 KVX

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26.3.19 Bad Driver of the Day

How not to drive

1 - Leave a dual carriageway too late, at high speed, and force your way on to the two lane slip road
2 - Find yourself stuck in the right lane and need to move left but there is no space
3 - Be forced to slow and take your turn in joining the left filter
4 - Tailgate
5 - As the car in front moves over to the left on the new dual carriageway, zoom past
6 - Cut across to the left lane, missing the car by 6ft at 70mph

Mad woman in a Mercedes, best described by my favourite word.
PE64 PCU

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19.3.19 The Slippery Slope

Thirty years ago, the mispronunciation of "negotiate" had established itself in the UK.  For no good reason at all, and at odds with everything linked to the English language, people were thinking how clever they were, to say "nego-see-ate" instead of "nego-she-ate".

This is "NOT NEGO-SHE-ABL" and not "NOT NEGO-SEE-ABL"

This development was an unwelcome one, and probably came about because of the well establish variation before then in relation to words with a middle 'c' rather than 't'.  Words like "association" were already on the hit list for twats deciding that "asso-see-ashun" was okay, and preferable to "asso-she-ashun".  I suppose the justification for this, in the minds of the offenders, was that 'c' offers two possibilities for pronunciation.  There is NO justification at all for changing these words, let alone "negotiate".

We are now stuck with extra hissing in our language.  The slippery slope has drawn in other examples now.  On the radio last week, and not for the first time, I heard the word "initiate" pronounced by a politician (or is that "poli-ti-see-an"?) in a most ludicrous fashion - "ini-see-ate".  What the fuck?

Last year on Radio 4 a maths professor demonstrated complete cuntishness by talking about a "ray-see-o" instead of "ray-she-o" [RATIO of course].  This obsession with hissing is in play as well on OFFICIATE, DIFFERENTIATE, APPRECIATE, SPECIES and more.

We now have to endure even more hissing, linked to the "double s" that has for my lifetime necessitated a "shoo" sound in the words "tissue" and "issue".  We now have prissy cunts who insist on over emphasising the delivery of another fucking hiss.  "Issss-you".  What the cunting fuck?

How long before the magazine seller on the street corner calls out "Big Issss-you"?  No way would such a cry yield any result from me in terms of a purchase. 

...

16.3.19 Adblue At Asda

A quick search for Adblue gave me two options to choose between, plus the invaluable information that customers looking for Adblue also ordered other items, and the system felt it was relevant to offer me the opportunity of ordering a DVD called Mary and the Witch's Flower, and some strawberry yoghurts.

Never in the history of the internet has there been such a useless and pointless suggestion of further things of relevance that a shopper might like.

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10.3.19 Dear ITV

Dear ITV

Will you please give consideration to some necessary improvements in how you run your channel.

1 - Small Fortune (Saturday nights)

This pathetic effort is simply a pain to watch, and Dermot O'Dreary does absolutely nothing to convince anyone he wants to be there in favour of washing his hair.  The most obvious fury-inducing element however is the voice-over input from none other than Brian Blessed, booming his affected decibels with completely non-essential information that has determined I do not watch the programme.  The approach is a fuck-up of the one taken with The Cube.  A single episode of this Small Fortune experience was enough to point me towards watching paint dry in preference.

2 - Trailers (Every fucking day, about 100 times)

'Cheat' - Stop Ramming It Down My Throat

FUCK OFF with your relentless trailers for the same up-coming programmes.  'Cheat' has been lobbed on to my screen for three cunting fucking weeks, at every opportunity.  I will not be watching as I am sick to the cunting back teeth of the abuse inflicted on me by the controllers of ITV.  'The Bay' is another one at the moment, and we recently had 'Cleaning Up', which was always unwatchable because of  Sheridan Smith anyway, but more so what with the many weeks of being bombarded with trailers beforehand.  ITV never learns that far from promoting these programmes, the relentless touting of them with trailers is having a detrimental and opposite effect!

3 - ITV Be (The dregs of 'entertainment')

If I wanted to watch this cunting rubbish, I would tune in.  I choose NOT TO, and yet I cannot escape the continual touting of this low level, low IQ, low relevance shit!  ITV is obsessed with trying to encourage me to have some interest in utter bollocks.  Get a grip please, ITV!  The CIC* need to review just about everything, including the latest revised graphics that flick up between programmes, and in tandem with pointless trailers.

4 - Dancing On Ice (Ending today)

The Final today means that we can all move on now.  The madness of this programme is matched by the tedium of the formulaic approach.  Phil and Holly stand there telling us how each competitor has "given it their all", earning tens of thousands per episode.  Gemma Collins has this series been pandered to like fucking royalty while expecting her to skate as much as a bolder rolling across a glacier.

5 - Alastair Stewart

Please can you pay this nob off, serve notice, and save us all the sickly and creepy grimace that her delivers in lieu of a smile.  While you are at it, please dispense with the "services" of Julie (R)Etchingham, whose superior/condescending and patronising delivery is simply unwelcome.  Go and look sincere at your reflection, and see how annoying it is.


[*Cunts In Charge]

...

17.2.19 Brexit - The Truth

Brexit - The Truth

Corbyn offers nothing, he's in fact a waste of space
McDonnell is a lunatic, a nutter in your face
The Labour ship is lost at sea, with nothing in the hold
Just Diane Abbott, only good for ballast truth be told.

Tories take the biscuit though, they're at each other's throats
Disharmony is total from Land's End to John o'Groats
As Brexit looms the clock runs down, and standing at the front
Theresa May presents us with the proof she is a cunt.

Her deal is all she cares about, plan A with no plan B
But no one likes the 'backstop', least of all the DUP
Her tactics are quite shameful and she's running down the clock
The stubborn bitch has fucked it and become a laughing stock.

Sturgeon bleats her Scottish song, determined to be heard
She mithers on and craves attention, weak but undeterred
And then there is Farage the fucker, giving not a shit
He struts around the Europe that he wants to fucking quit.

The Speaker shouts for 'Order' in the weirdest, noisy style
To try and stop the bickering and jeering for a while
Remainers want another vote, unlike the Brexiteers
Who all line up behind Rees-Mogg with fingers in their ears.

Voting in the Commons is a farcical affair
The empty hole is fully round, the peg is fucking square
The factions all want different things and no one will unite
As May, in grey, is scared to say her deal is utter shite.

If truth be told the mess we're in should come as no surprise
The Leave Campaign was scandalously based on many lies
None bigger than the savings promised, written on a bus
And now we're facing WTF? or pointless Norway Plus.

I'm sick of certain words and phrases, rhetoric on tap
Of squabbling politicians getting paid for talking crap
"Delivering on Brexit" is the battle cry of those
Who fear a second vote in case the yeses turn to noes.

Ireland proves a stumbling block, the cause of much ado
It's not as if the border there is something fucking new
However was it meant to work?  To date I'm still amazed
Concerns that things were feasible were never fully raised.

Back and forth to Brussels, May is shuttled like a cock
To meet with Tusk and Juncker, but discussions won't unlock
The stalemate created by red lines she won't review
And now we're fucking crashing out, she hasn't got a clue.

Nauseating Gove and Boris, Brokenshire as well
Plus Leadsom, Hammond, Amber Rudd, with Morgan and Patel
All Tories in the Commons but without a common view
But May decides to soldier on, her language fucking blue.

Corbyn writes a letter with an offer of support
Without of course intent to offer help of any sort
He sneers and shuffles here and there, one useless waste of space
Inspiring no one, leading nothing, simply out of place.

Running down the clock is still the tactic of the tit
A solid dose of blackmail is her way to heal the split
MPs will have no choice but to support her in the end
Outrageous shit behaviour no sane person could defend.

But maybe she's miscalculated, time will surely tell
The ERG may lead us all to economic hell
And watching us in disbelief and absolute dismay
The EU twenty-seven will be calling it a day.

For now the tug of war goes on, and nowhere is there trust
Conservatives are simply playing twist until they bust
While Corbyn ducks the issues and ignores his own MPs
Who advocate a second vote, but Jezza disagrees.

Fifty-two to forty-eight, the referendum split
In favour of departure, but decisive?  Not a bit!
Misleading information in a Leave Campaign that sucked
Persuaded just enough to vote to leave, yes, leave us fucked.

Talk about a country in a catastrophic mess
So thank you, David Cameron, for causing such distress
The rich will always manage well, as poorer folk lose out
And some still have no fucking clue what all this is about.

Companies are relocating, jobs are under threat
Investment's stalled and those in charge are hedging every bet
"No re-negotiation" means we're left with diddly squat
As May, in grey, is scared to say she's lost the fucking plot.

Self-inflicted wounds are rife, stupidity is plain
As Parliament displays its weakness time and time again
The voting games are ludicrous, amendments come and go
And Tories bleat the same old shit, and keep the status quo.

Leaving will be chaos, yes, the future's looking rough
The value of the pound is set to plummet soon enough
Control regained, as some will say, is worth the massive cost
But even they will see one day that too much has been lost.

The future's looking rather shit, the UK will not last
The Scots will vote themselves away, with independence passed
The Northern Irish too will find a new way to exist
And even Wales may want its feelings not to be dismissed.

The bigots will be basking in their qualified success
At telling Johnny Foreigner it's "No" instead of "Yes"
But that can only hurt us more, and put us in reverse
As slowly we lose decency and lose another nurse.

Were voters well informed, aware of consequences too?
Was everything explained and were the details given true?
Of course they weren't, the referendum was quite simply flawed
And now the forty-eight point one percent are just ignored.

TMWSC

All I hear from politicians who are desperate to leave the EU at any cost is the need to deliver Brexit after 17.4 million people voted for it (despite knowing fuck all about the terms of the departure).  If just 630,000 of them had voted the other way (and we now know that this would have been the case with proper information available back then) then we would be staying in the EU.  With such a close result, there was never going to be any proper compromise from the various political parties.  So give or take, we are a split nation.  Surely in such circumstances, the best approach has to be to avoid significant detrimental economic impact.  That's either from a good exit deal that minimises the grief, or, from a double-checking of the decision itself that could obviously remove any impact at all.

...

8.2.19 Dame Sally Davies

Until this week I'd never really heard of Sally Davies, or if I had, she hadn't registered as anyone I needed to have a view on.  That changed this week, after her input on the Today programme on Radio 4.  The Chief Medical Officer for England is quite clearly a frosty woman who has a rather inflated impression of herself, and in turn, I suggest, the 'reverence' that people need to have for her and her views.

I say all this after hearing Nick Robinson put forward a simple question, and her unwarranted and inappropriate response, accusing him of sexism.  What a silly woman; clearly educated, but silly.

During an interview about advice to parents on the use of mobile phones (advice that turned out to be rather pathetic, actually) Nick put it to her:

You always have this question, so I know you're familiar with it - this balance you have to get between nannying on the one hand, or being accused of it at least, and on the other hand, banality, stating things that are obvious.

Hardly a challenging concept for her to grasp, and in fact very generous in its simplicity because it sets things up for her to provide an easy answer and view.

"I thought you were going to be sexist," said Dame Davies, and as I drove my car along the dual carriageway, I struggled to understand how on earth he was being sexist at all, and why she came up with such an absurd comment.

"I'm not sure I understand which bit of that is sexist," said Nick, matching my own thoughts.

"I wonder whether you would say that to a male Chief Medical Officer," said Dame Silly Davies.

At this point I decided that she is a twat, and someone who has muscled her way along in life, possibly threatening in her deportment, and probably rather intimidating generally.  This is typical of those who operate with the strap-line "I'm a woman in a man's world and so I am going to be a pain in the arse and challenging in every way, without cause most of the time".

"No, I said you are often accused of being a nanny, I didn't say I accused you of being a nanny." (Nick)

"Ah, clever" was her pompous retort.

She has, as recently as December, referred to herself as Chief Nanny, so it seems she is simply confrontational when it suits her, and cherry picks issues for contention.  It seems she's decided to step down now, and will later this year end her tenure as the first female CMO, in favour of becoming the first female Master of Trinity College, Cambridge.  I am sure she will be equally adept in the discipline of 'beating up males' and making gender her nauseating raison d'etre.  

...

3.2.19 Why The UK Is Fucked - No. 692

...

3.2.19 Armstrong's Ears

Alexander Armstrong's ears . . . . . .

African or Indian ?

27.1.19 Dancing On Thin Ice

Here we go again, another 2-hour session of - mediocrity blended with utter shite, cliches and patronising crap - all mixed with pointless utterances.

James Jordan 31.5

"What a way to start the show," said Phil, right on cue.  Apparently James was "on point" according to Christopher Dean. 

Saara Aalto 27.0

Steady and safe, a careful routine with a fair amount in it.  Her positive approach is commendable, not that I could cope with her myself - probably because I am too lazy.  Banjo said nothing of interest, and Jason told her she was thinking of "little finesses".  "It's about your flow over the ice," said Christopher Dean.  So, skating then . . . . .

Ryan Sidebottom - Couldn't dance this week


Didi Conn 18.5

For 67 years of age, she is certainly rather agile.  But how then should she be judged, in comparison with skaters who are actually trying to move around under their own steam?  A sweet old woman?  How, though, is it feasible to assess the performance? 

Gemma Collins 16.5

Her mum is much bigger than her!  Gemma went up and down, pointlessly - then face-planted!  "She is skating now," said her partner.  Errrrr, face first?  They all pandered for her - fuck knows why.

Melody Thornton 32.5

Very good!  She did a lot of skating with some rather good moves.  Wow! 

Wes Nelson 29.5

A good skater, no doubt.  Jason said "appree-see-ate" and pissed me off.  It was a good performance, despite a couple of minor issues.

Brian McFadden 24.0

A bit better than last time, so worth the extra points.  Jason mentioned "finessing" and I yawned. 

Saira Khan 24.0

The queen of melodrama annoyed in the VT, and then it was the performance.  Better than last week for sure, and I mentioned this to Mrs MWSC.  "She's still got the grace of a slug." said Mrs MWSC.
She is so loud it's frightening, and of course annoying as fuck. 

Jane Danson 21.5

A sack of spuds being carted around, I'd say.  What a disaster.  Line dancing is a dire theme at the best of times.  "Awkward body positions," said Banjo, rather generously. 


All the skaters were on screen for the review as the voting closed - except Gemma Collins, again.  She wasn't there last week either.  Too many allowances are being made for this tosser.

We had an update on Gemma Collins from her other half, to ensure even more pandering to the woman.

She got through, of course, because this show is not about dancing on ice, ironically.  Didi and Saaaaara in the skate off, it turned out.  Hardly any doubt regarding the winner, so putting the kettle on was not going to deprive me of anything.

So there we have it, a 67-year-old magnanimously leaves the show after skating rather better than a self-obsessed twat who face planted on ice.

...

24.1.19 Liam Fox Speaks

Listening to Radio 4 this week, I was utterly appalled to hear Liam Fox being interviewed, and struggling to speak English.  Not only was his view on Brexit utter bollocks, he was unable to pronounce . . . . . initiate.

That's right, a simple 8-letter word managed to scramble his brain to the point where he completely failed to manage the third of four syllables.

He contrived the following:

IN - I - SEE - ATE

What a fucking joke.

20.1.19 Dancing On Ice - More Moronic Mess

Two hours and ten minutes this week, which suggests an improved level of content and efficiency while at the same time confirming that the two-hour running time for the last two weeks, for half the number of competitors was a criminal piece of ITV scheduling.

Dodo 16.5

The not quite extinct Didi Conn is sixty-seven years old, so in many respects she cannot be blamed for offering so little on the ice.  Her forte seems to be being hauled around and lifted.  In summary, she is being patronised by all around her.  Her highest score so far, claimed Schofield, not a hard task considering this was her second outing.  Her task was to incorporate three spins during the routine, and she managed just two, Chris told us all.  Banjo congratulated her for performing well "week in and week out" - this was her second cunting 90 second skate!

Jane Danson 20

She was carted around the ice a bit more this time, and her first skate was a bit better.  Jason wanted regret, remorse and a few other things to have shown while she was going round the rink, and he apparently didn't see all that . . . . the guy is no doubt overly-opinionated and permanently in danger of twatishness.  Jason seems to have a bit of a downer on Jane.

Richard Blackwood  18

An unmemorable performance if ever there was one.  The only interest was that Carlotta, his professional dance partner, is tiny and good to watch.

Saara Aalto  26

Very good; she took some risks in dancing solo for decent periods, and moved quickly compared with the others. 

Brian McFadden 22

He spent so much of the routine picking her up, dropping her, and generally chucking his partner, Alex, around.  "Brian, when you lift your partner, you've got to make sure she's landed before you let go of her."  Excellent advice from Jayne Torvill.

James Jordan 27

Although I understand that the "ice" part is new to him, James has a clear advantage in terms of dance ability and performance, so he should indeed be getting good scores.

Saira Khan 18.5

Continuing to annoy, Saira again made reference to being Asian rather needlessly, and after her first performance when she was lugged around like luggage, she this time contributed very little - again  It was a weak effort all round, and after being overly rewarded last week, she was this time ..... overly rewarded!  She has an inflated view of herself.  "It felt Mark was moving you around the ice," said Ashley Banjo.  Yes, indeed, and she managed two spins, not three.  "At some point, there's going to be some solo skating," said Chris Dean, warning her appropriately that she needs to start skating.

Ryan Sidebottom 19

Last week he was very slow, and was always going to feature in the skate off.  He survived because xxx was worse, and both Dodo and Gemma Collins have enough fans (why?) to vote and save them.  This time, Ryan was dressed as the Beast as his Partner (Beauty) flitted around him. It was a tame effort, but better than last week.

Wes Nelson 29.5

Very confident.  They perhaps tried to put a bit too much into the lifts at the end, but he went for it.  Consistent scores from all judges.  I am still struggling to work out how a Love Island contestant is a "celebrity" but then he's not alone in being in such a position; the term is a joke these days.

Gemma Collins 13

A complete fucking joke of a "performance".  She did fuck all cunting skating!  A fair voting approach would have been 6 points.  "It's great that you turned up and are here," said Banjo, and that says it all - commenting on attendance rather than skating.  What an unpleasant waste of space, and utterly horrible personality.  Sadly she still has a good chance of getting through because arseholes addicted to ITVBe will vote for her.  This is everything that's wrong about these shows.

Melody Chapman 20.5

3.5 from Jason and 6 each from T and D, so Jason, who wants people to really go for it, marks them down.  The Jason, you wanker!  You gave 3 points to the walrus who did fuck all skating!

Matt Chapman 3.5

The compere talked shit to a phenomenal level this week, and we all had to suffer the drivel he delivered at an unacceptably noisy and nauseous level.


At the round up and recap ahead of the voting closing, 10 of the 11 entrants were on camera to chat with Phil and Holly; missing was the Essex fridge.

The voting was a complete joke, as Richard and Saira were left to skate against each other for survival.  I have no wish to see (and hear, because she shouts rather than talks) Saira again, but for Collins to have survived demonstrates 100% why the format for these shows is so massively fucked up beyond belief.

Richard was quite slow, but then again was expected to lift Carlotta all over the place.  Meanwhile, Saira was quite content to be the one lifted, so she had less to do.  Lots of holding on and imitation of a Garfield sticking to a car window. 

Jason saved Richard
Banjo saved Richard
Dean the twat saved Saira
Torvill did the cuntin same, with the casting vote

What a wanking load of crap!

...

19.1.19 Shopping in the UK

How can retailers defend their approaches to the public when their antics are so deplorable?  There are far too many examples of poor behaviour, conning people and offers that are simply not offers at all.

The Co-op

The Co-operative has a weird interpretation of what constitutes a 'Clearance' offer, and provides numerous and regular examples of stupidity.  The one shown here is for a fajita kit at the exact same price it is normally sold at.  The sticker is simply a wish on the Co-op's part to clear stuff for their own benefit.

B&Q

How the DIY store management decided that a two pence 'saving' from an alleged usual selling price of a ludicrous £1.02 was worth drawing our attention to, and the printing of a 'clearance' sign is beyond me, and any other sane person.  Pathetic indeed, B&Q.

Asda

This really is the mustard.  The 100g jar is £1.10, and next to it, Asda has decided that 170g is worth 85p, less than half the price, yet it's not actually "on offer".  Madness.

The Co-op

A recent sore throat caused me to consider buying something to ease the annoyance, and I looked at the options - and the prices of course.  I have never been much of a fan of Honey and Lemon, so I tend to gravitate to fruit flavours or menthol.  It was a massive revelation to see that a single fucking sweet is now 19 cunting pence!  The country has gone fucking mad.

Jacob's Club / McVitie's

The well-known chocolate biscuit does not give us quite as much chocolate on our biscuit as was once the case.  Further than that disappointment is the inability of the manufacturer to cover the fucking biscuit in a wrapper.  The cost-cutting shenanigans have extended so far that there is now insufficient foil paper to reach all the way around the biscuit, even allowing for the thinner layer of chocolate, and consequent reduction in girth!  The missing foil is hidden behind the outer coloured wrapper denoting the flavour.  What a poor show.

Asda's Pictoral Claim

Asda's Reality

It probably comes as no surprise to see these images, but that's no reason to excuse such blatant misrepresentation.

...