3.11.19 What's At Steak? Terror at the Checkouts

A few weeks ago, I had to show my receipt to an Asda security bloke who approached me with the comment "It's probably steaks".  He was correct, and it was my purchase of three steaks for a tenner that had caused the major alert, and audible bollocks.  A cursory look at the long till receipt meant I could proceed.  It was laughable that many items I'd purchased were rather more valuable than a few lumps of cow at £3.33 each.  I learned that if I want to steal something from Asda, I could either: a) avoid steaks and steal other things I might fancy that will not trigger alarms, or b) include steaks in a future shopping trip as cover for stealing other items, in the knowledge that my purchase of steak would protect me from any suspicion resulting from an alarm going off.

Of course this is all hypothetical.  In fact, before I get anywhere near the exit, trained Asda staff would most likely have sent me loopy with mental torture - inane questions posed to me at the checkouts.  Worse than water-boarding, the interrogation techniques are designed to suck out of any shopper's brain the will to live, let alone complete an act of theft.

There is one approach that might conceivably be a protection, but it requires some balls to effect it.  This involves a preemptive strike, to turn the tables on a programmed checkout operator.

"Hi - Before you ask,

I have got my own fucking bags,

I am totally fine with packing my own shit,

I am sufficiently prepared not to require separate little useless bags for fresh meat which is in fact already wrapped to a satisfactory standard,

No I did not manage to find everything I was looking for, but your asking me if I have gives no value to my shopping experience and you don't give a shit anyway,

Please don't open the egg carton to inspect the eggs because I am not a moron and have already done that,

No, I have no need of a fucking hanger, thanks,

What I have done so far today is none of your fucking business so don't ask,

What I am doing with the rest of my day is also my business, so stick to scanning,

Before you exceed your remit, I will have no enthusiasm for discussing with you ANY of my purchases, and hearing whether you like something at any level,

Don't you dare resort to comments on the weather!

Thank you."

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