Sadly I found that Saturday's content was flawed, and included so much formulaic tosh that my brain was withering while waiting to be stimulated. The mutterings of the two hosts and the four judges were far more disappointing than the contributions from the contestants. Laughable pronouncements and pontificating meant a typically crappy set of exchanges for the various performances. A selection of the input is included below.
Saturday
Bollocks and Cliches Everywhere, with an Occasional Deficiency in Grammar!
I so have the winner in my category [Grimbore]
My girls are shtrong [Ora]
I might have the winner in my category, yes [Cowell]
A hundred faaaaarsand people applied [Wally Murs]
Our X-Factor finalists will be singing their heart out [Flack]
Every time I've seen you on TV you've been a mess [Aaron, the hair stylist]
I'm really, really excited [Lauren Murray]
What a way to kick off this season of X-Factor [Falafel Verruca]
I didn't like it, I loved it [Cowell]
You nailed it [Grimbore]
You killed that, Lauren [Grim]
Lauren, you smashed it [Wally Murs]
How nervous was you opening the show? [Murs]
Hopefully I brought it today [Lauren]
Simon needs to see that I've got a bit of charisma [Max Stone]
You made it your own [Ora]
The fact that you've took notes [Versini]
What a start to the show [Murs]
So, obviously it's the first week [an Alien]
Oh my God, what is going on? [Ora]
You honestly did represent yourselves up there tonight [Ora]
You smashed it [Falafel Vaseline]
It keeps getting better and better [Frack]
It's free, Olly, it's free [Frack]
I need to bring that performance [Ora]
Good moment, great moment [Ora]
You have a mouth like a tunnel when you sing [Cowell]
Ain't no mountain high enough [Che Chesterman]
Everybody in the UK get ready to fall in love with Mason Noise [Grim]
This is what you're meant to do [Grime]
You smashed it [Grimbore]
How do you feel after them comments? [Wally M]
J'know what [Ora]
J'know what, keep being you, man, keep being you [Rita Borer]
Pull up a chair, open them bag o'sweets [Murs]
It's definitely all I've ever dreamed of doing [Louisa Johnson]
You have no idea how good you are [Cowell]
That was incredible, it really, really, really was [Grim]
You created a moment then,it felt like a moment in here, I know that people all around the UK will be having a moment, and I hope this is the first of many amazing moments [Grimbore]
I really need to focus [Bupsi]
You are fun, you are relevant [Cowell]
J'know what I mean, x6 [Bupsi]
Next up, I'm so excited [Paella Lambrini]
I need you to bring that on Saturday [Umbrella Linguine]
Go with your gut instinct [ForFuckSake Versace]
I know you've had less of a time [Ritalin]
I've got so much to say to you I'm gonna trip over me own tongue [Chezza]
Kind of, x6 [Rita repeater]
I feel like this is my home [Monica Michael]
Please give it up for x8 . . . [Wally Murs]
You hit them notes, boom, boom, boom [Rita Ora]
Sunday
Olly announced a double elimination, which was going to prolong the agony for some, who really ought to be moving along more quickly. A quadruple elimination would have done us all a favour.
Reggie 'n' Bollie are nice chaps, but completely irrelevant. Bupsi sang an awful song awfully. Alien Uncovered are an acquired taste, a taste that I've not acquired.
Little Mix sang a weird song with a weird pitch, weird intonation and a minimal entertainment quotient. Then, half way through, they switched to a more recognisable song which they sang in tune. What an odd arrangement.
Wally Murs told us to get dialling, despite only 0.3% of the population having a telephone that requires the user to 'dial' rather than press/push.
Ellie Goulding was completely fucking SHIT. If I hear "on my mind" once more this year, it'll tip the balance! I've only just recovered from her incessant "burn, burn, burn" bollocks!
Bupsi got the fewest votes, and was not really up to the job. Kiera and Alien Uncovered made the sing-off, and seeing a The Krays were safe, I couldn't disagree with these dregs going head to head.
Alien Uncovered produced a cunting racket that was offensive. They so need covering up. Kiera arrived on stage and introduced some order and calm to proceedings.
"It's up to you who stays and Hugos," intoned Olly Murs. The Aliens were rightly despatched, because there's no escaping the fact that their singing was woefully inadequate.
One cliche to end:
"You haven't seen the last of us"
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