There can be no doubt, surely, that Phil Neville is a long way short of competent, and a lot further short of being of any interest at all when trying to be a football pundit. I don't know the bloke, and I am sure he's nice enough if he's your friend. The trouble is, he isn't, but I still have to endure his input in my life, thanks to the BBC's annoying invitations for him to have a say in footballing matters.
Today's story in the Mail Online confirms inadequacy at a shocking level; we learn that the 37-year-old was unable to make a cup of instant coffee when an interviewer called at his house last week, and that Phil had to phone his wife to ask how to do it. This really takes the biscuit. There was I, thinking that his skills in commentary and punditry were horrendous and most certainly evidence of inappropriate inclusion in the media world, but never to have made a coffee shows inadequacy at a much greater level, surpassed only by the further uselessness in not even knowing how to make one.
On to footballing input, and I must call into question his qualifications for having any sort of say. Playing football does NOT automatically qualify one to be proficient in talking about the game. The former requires some skill with a ball on a football pitch. The latter requires a command of the English language and a screen presence that does not offend. Sadly, far too many ex-footballers are recruited to our screen to waffle and talk bollocks, without ever giving consideration to the tense in which they are speaking, let alone the quality of the content in their rambling utterances.
By his own admission, Phil was not up to the job when commentating during the World Cup. He was slated for being boring, and a few million viewers were correct. It seems perseverance has given him the impression all has been forgotten, and that he has acquired new skills to a satisfactory level. I would like to register my objection to any such claim; in my view, there remains more than enough reason to switch channels or press the mute button when Phil appears.
In terms of his talking gibberish, he is no better or worse than many others. The dumbing down of the world, and in particular the football world, means that it's now commonplace for people to sit in armchairs talking shit and getting paid. As a result, we get:
"He's got to make them more harder to beat." [Phil Neville]
"The left back get's beat too easily." [Phil Neville]
"I think they're a team that's got real good resilience." [Phil Neville]
"It was a real poor goal." [Phil Neville]
My further annoyances, though, come from Mr Neville's complete inability to pronounce things properly. As well as irritation for me, a discourteousness to other players comes from his inability to pronounce names correctly. Some examples are:
Gerrard - pronounced with a stress on the second syllable. Steven Gerrard has a name that is rather standard, and one that can be properly and successfully pronounced by everyone in the country - except Phil Neville. WTF?
Cazorla - for some strange reason, Phil Neville has decided to rename Santi Cazorla, Arsenal's excellent Spanish player, and refer to him as 'Cazola', rhyming with 'Tombola'. There is a fucking 'r' before the 'l' which Neville has decided to remove. It's bad enough that most commentators pronounce the 'z' in the English way rather than like the 'z' in Ibiza, but to have further tampering is just poor. Only Neville manages this extra level of disrespect.
Flamini - this is another name that Phil Neville has decided to abuse, preferring to say "Flameeni" with stress on the second syllable.
Giroud - instead of Giroo, with a soft 'j' sound for the first letter, Neville prefers the 'g' in 'giraffe' and to pronounce the 'd' as well, giving "Gi-rude".
Just to finish off, here's a good one from his last Match of the Day appearance -
"That's gung-go!" [He of course meant gung-ho]
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