This week's TV Guide is rather annoying, right from the cover! "I became invisible when I hit 40" is the quote that accompanies the picture of Jane Horrocks. Sorry, luv, but I tend to disagree with you, because you're on the fucking cover, and not quite invisible enough - if that makes any sense at all! If I hear your voice-over on another train-booking advert, I will stick my head in a blender.
Before the actual schedules, I see a small piece on Trevor McDonald, teed up with: "The veteran broadcaster on why television has a duty to shock viewers sometimes." The only thing that's really shocking is that Trevor is still on screen and abusing the English language. Trev, when you filmed 'Women Behind Bars', I wished you'd swapped places.
Mystery of the Week
This goes to "I Love My Country". No, surprisingly not for why the hell is this shite on television (which is clearly a valid question with a single outcome) but why it featured Duncan Bannatyne! Who was at the secret meeting where it was decided he is (a) popular, (b) worthy, and (c) deserving of attention? He pops up on TV as a 'celebrity' for absolutely no good reason at all - and he is generally useless at absolutely everything.
Obsession of the Week
This goes to Channel 4 for its continued attention to "Big Fat Gypsies". This week we have "My Big Fat Gypsy Ladies' Day" and "My Big Fat Gypsy Christening". Channel 4 was pushed very hard by BBC2, which thought we would all like various slants on bikers, with: "The Hairy Bikers' Bakeation" [something which annoys with a non-word] "Hairy Bikers' Meals on Wheels Back on the Road" [yawn] and "The Hairy Bikers: Everyday Gourmets" [a rather generous description, I think you'll agree]
Don't Give a Shit of the Week
This must surely go to Sunday's edition of "Escape to the Country", and the blurb that states: "Three buyers with an £800,000 budget . . . . " which I think is grounds enough to not give a shit. Why these rich cunts can't fuck off and find a home themselves I don't know. I suspect being on telly is attractive to some. I blame the BBC for lazy cuntish television. Maybe a couple with no more than a fart and a shoestring might provide a more realistic basis for finding somewhere?
Worst Programme Name or Idea of the Week
This goes without question to the pathetic Thursday morning hour devoted to shit on BBC2 - "Robert Peston Goes Shopping", a pointless repeat of a pointless programme featuring a pointless prick.
Horrendous Content of the Week
Dickinson's Real Deal provides the inanity, with the listing's confirmation as follows, for Wednesday's offering: "Items including a daguerreotype brooch and a tea caddy get the once over in Ilford." Not TV gold. [Please note that this is not the same tea caddy as the one featured on BBC1's Antiques Roadshow on Sunday, with an entry as follows: "Items at the Royal Agricultural University near Cirencester include a tea caddy used for a budgie's ashes."]
Innuendo of the Week
Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall wins with "River Cottage Every Day" and the Wednesday hour which is apparently as follows: "Hugh tries to get a Bristol office to embrace the ultimate DIY lunchbox."
Brainwashing of the Week
This goes to the Wednesday hour-long mystery drama, "Viking River Cruises" on ITV, which features (amongst pointless flashing images designed to scare) a few minutes of something called 'Whitechapel', whatever that is. [Note: I believe that viewers in Scotland may be saved from this trauma, as sponsorship is by Lidl, which suggests a thought process that considers shopping at Lidl to be more appropriate for Scots than a river cruise, for some reason]
Great Tediousness of the Week
Yes, there's yet another unnecessary and annoying use of the word 'great' in a television programme; this week we have on BBC1 "The Great British Year" which adds further reinforcement to the confusion for some. I refer of course to the fact that there is no such thing as Great British but the description of something British could include the word 'great' (small 'g').
Poor Taste Title of the Week
Channel 5 scoops this with: "Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead" [7.00pm Tuesday]
Twat of the Week ( and until further notice)
There can be no disputing that Bruce Forsythe is a fucking liability who delivers inanity with no aplomb to an audience that by and large is pathetic and laps up the complete shit that would not even be well received at a party for toddlers. It is a travesty that he is - on my screen / breathing / paid - [delete as/if applicable]
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