30.9.13 It Makes No Sense

E-Cigs

In The Sun on Saturday there was a feature on the potential issues regarding e-cigs, and a contribution was made by Professor Robert West, director of Tobacco Studies at University College, London.  E-cigs are not yet regulated, although the MHRA [Medicines and Healthcare products Regulatory Agency - no, I've no idea why the 'P' was missed out either] will step being joining in from 2016.  Mr West has worries, and said: "There is no evidence to say they are 100% safe, but what we can say is that they are 100% safer than cigarettes." I am sorry, Robert, but that makes no sense.  This is the sort of complete mind-fuck of an argument, with a flawed combination of English and Maths, that makes people confused and misled. Something cannot be 100% 'safer than cigarettes' without there being the equivalent of no cigarettes, in which case this cannot be the safety level of e-cigarettes, because you say they are not 100% safe.

Benefits Cheats

Anyone found guilty of cheating to gain benefits for which they are not entitled deserves to go to jail.  I am fed up reading about cunts who defraud the system, and are then told by a judge/magistrate that they are to be fined.  The fines are usually paid back at a ludicrously low level (eg. £5 per week) out of future fucking benefits!  Where's the deterrent, or the penalty in that?  I propose that offenders claiming benefits who get more than they should by knowingly tricking the taxpayer should be made not only to suffer the hardship of reimbursing the money, but that they should also be jailed.  Otherwise, it makes no sense to bother prosecuting them!  Unless cheats know their liberty is to be taken if they are caught, they are really just pissing on the state and paying on the never-never, if they are in fact caught and prosecuted.

Worklessness

This completely stupid word (well, it wasn't a word at all until recently - and still isn't, in my opinion) relates to a phenomenon that somehow seems to suit politicians who want to try and manipulate things.  Apparently, it's defined as: A combination of the number of people unemployed and the number classed as inactive, which mean neither working nor looking for work.  What tosh. Apparently 'worklessness' has fallen by 400,000 in three years.  However, that's meaningless when one digs deeper.  The fact that there's been a decline in the number of people describing themselves as 'retired' is a sign of two things; (1) that many older people are having to stay working longer or need to start working again to make ends meet, and (2) that these older people are actually bothering to find work, setting an example to younger people who somehow struggle.  The fact that more people over 65 are now working is hardly any cause for celebration, congratulation or political kudos.

The other reason that there's been a decline is that the number of people on long-term sickness benefit has dropped, after a concerted effort to eject from the system the malingerers and cheats.  So, there's very little to make the term 'worklessness' have relevance.  Old people are busier; it makes no sense at all to include them in any monitoring of those 'out of work'.  Cheats are being caught; well that's a good thing, and it would be handy to know how many, what percentage of claimants that represents, and what the annual saving might be.  Of course anyone losing incapacity benefit will probably claim housing benefit, unemployment benefit and a range of other things anyway. Finally, can we please report unemployment properly, and not wrap up the numbers into a weird 'worklessness' pot - it makes no sense.

Great Britain & Northern Ireland

Using the term United Kingdom is an easy way of ensuring that the people from all parts of the 'united' regions are included.  The 'United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland' is thus a useful (if long-winded) way of counting us all.  When it is shortened to the UK, it still means all are included.  However, it seems that sports people and bodies have tripped themselves up with the catchy (allegedly) phrase "Team GB", which of course excludes Northern Ireland.  Thus, the 2012 Olympics event managed to ignore Northern Ireland, as "Team GB" was touted and paraded before the nation to receive applause and recognition.  This made no sense at all.

In the recent World Championships, the team was referred to as GB & NI, and this rather proves the point that we are in a complete pickle as a nation - or set of nations - or collection of regions - or is that devolved something-or-others? Rugby and Football generally keep the home nations separate, although football suffered from gross hypocrisy when it featured a GB team last year. You'll recall Ryan Giggs and other were pleased to get the cheers and chance of a medal under a Union Flag but refused to acknowledge the National Anthem.  The whole set-up is flawed, and nothing makes any sense when you scratch the surface, let alone dig deep.

Lotto

After all these years, the BBC still insists on making us watch some or other grinning tit press a big red button to start the draw, when the person in the background wearing white gloves (?) starts the draw properly via a button on the machine.  It makes no sense.

Football

I have no intention of yet again highlighting the vocabulary used by commentators and 'pundits', when describing things.  Their inane driver and terminology is fucked-up enough to warrant a thesis.  However, I would like to touch on one aspect, which is my complete surprise that we are supposed to be impressed and/or grateful for players doing what they are fucking paid for.  It makes no sense.

Learning about a player's "willingness to get into the box" is hardly something to be in awe of.  The cunts are paid to score goals, and running into the penalty area is rather expected.  To have to applaud this, and agree with Alan Shearer (or whichever other twat is asking us to cheer such an action) is insulting. Similarly, a player who "wants the ball" is nothing to write home about.  He should want the fucking ball; heaven forbid that the norm is for players to run away from it, or kick it out the minute it comes to them!  Then there's the willingness to run.  Jesus - if a footballer is to be congratulated for running then the game is more fucked-up than I ever thought possible.  There's me thinking it's all about "Quality", "Character", "Half a Yard" and "The Final Third", when all the time it's about running and trying to get in the box.  Silly me.  Senseless

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29.9.13 Boot Camp - Torture

This series, X-Factor has lost the plot, and the format has turned nasty.  Good television does not come about from torturing the canon fodder.  Contestants deserve some respect, even if a few of them are loopy and untalented - not their fault if the judges have decided to put them through!

The girls, yesterday, had Nicole giving the occasional "good job" and milking the moment when she had "to make a decision".  The chair swapping bollocks was painful.  Still, at least Abi was put through.  The Over 25 category (Sharon's rabble) was next up, and there was some more concern among the people sitting in one of the chairs as better singers arrived on stage.  Sam had the first seat, although she annoys me because at the outset of this competition she lied about being new to singing.  Shouty women seemed to dominate the line-up, and the horrendous Shelley Smith pranced around singing 'Respect' before being told to sit down.  Sharon then invited the woman's daughter up on stage to hug her mum.  This was appalling, and meant that Sharon was hardly going to eject her later on after than - more's the pity.

Sharon gave away her seats quickly, being a wimp, and then had to do more swaps than necessary.  Zoe, the last singer, was brilliant.

The groups were, in the main, dire as fuck. Brick City managed a very average performance (that's me being generous) yet got a seat.  Rough Copy managed to do a slightly better job, even though one of the trio sat out, after failing to sort a visa on time (should he get through etc).  NVS simply could not sing. Code 4 should be renamed Code Red, as they were dangerously awful.

The cobbled-together trio of misfits managed an unharmonious wail, but got through - probably because of over generosity after the three had been together for only a few hours.  Nicole trumped all previous efforts to annoy with a drawl that was quite dreadful.  Next of Kin let themselves down, and so the pain was over.

Louis took over the hot seat, and set about being a dick.  The first up was Sam, who had no sense of timing, shouted with his strained noise, and somehow got through to sit down based on looks (?)  Next Paul Akister sang and got through without issue.  Then it was the Yodeler, Barclay Beales, who started singing 'Respect' and then murdered it by yodeling.  HOWEVER, there was no need for the judges to be so offended and outraged at the performance. Sharon may well have never heard yodeling in 'Respect' but hang on, folks/judges, YOU were the cupid stunts who put through a yodeler to boot camp!  Disgusting abuse of power and a demonstration of toying with people's lives.  Shame on you for winding him up!

Alejandro got through, of course, and Ryan and Giles got seats.  Tom managed to sing with an affected (and ineffective) style that did him no favours, so he managed to go home.  Louis insisted on telling us all he'd made a decision [that's your fucking job, Elf] before spitting it out.  The last up was Nicholas, who was bound to get a place.  The others in the six seats adopted a worried look for the first time; yet at the end they all clapped.  Alejandro lost out, and Louis proved he cannot make right decisions.

One thing I notice with clarity was the attitude displayed by those in the hot seats while watching new performers.  There was a distinct sense of camaraderie and support from others in the teams for their 'opponents' in the competition - except, that is, in the Girls category.  A certain level of bitchiness and selfishness was on display, whereas I saw some enthusiastic clapping from the other camps.

The format this year, the decision making, and the variable talent have all been as nauseating as Matt and Flack on the Xtra Factor.

Nicole even managed to say "Good job" to Elf, the silly woman.

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29.9.13 Red Ed - Enough Said

Labour - New / Old / Any

The state of the Labour Party is dire, and recent disclosures rather highlight what a load of cunts were poncing around for the best part of ten years, trying to outwit each other.  Spin, smears and backstabbing are not much of a surprise, but the complete fucking mess that Labour made of running the country and the nation's finances while in power will haunt us for a long time - not least the policy on immigration.  Not content with plundering the nation's resources, selling off the gold, selling out to the EU, getting money for 'licences' and raiding pensions funds, Labour managed to commit the UK to war without foundation, open the floodgates/borders (to boost the Labour vote - acknowledged in recent times and for which temporary apologies were given) and generally fuck up.  With the global difficulties, the UK found that as with Old Mother Hubbard's cupboard, there was fuck all left with which to shore up things.  Blair, Brown, Darling and a whole host of others were simply useless - in fact worse, purposefully and willfully moronic.  Blair has been shown as pretty much the most self-serving politician in British history.

Now we have Red Ed for the left to cheer.  When I say 'left' I mean 'fucking left', of course, because here is a man that makes Alfred Marks look like Boris Johnson.  There can surely be no doubt that the state of the country would become even worse under Labour, and I do hope that the younger element of the population is aware enough to realise that their inability to get jobs and the level of tuition fees that is now screwing them over are legacies from Labour policies.  How the hell Labour politicians have the nerve/gall to be critical of the current government is amazing.  The current set of halfwits is made rather more impotent by the useless 'yellow' contingent, and it is quite clear that in the UK, coalition is so far from ideal that it ought to be banned.

Anyone who thinks Ed Miliband is the man for the job at Number 10 should stick their fingers in a socket and jolt themselves into life. He is, though, dangerous because nothing in life is certain, and whilst he certainly should not get even a sniff of Downing Street, there's always a slim chance of a travesty.  I think we might even be better off if we had another red-wearing fiend in power.  I hope to God that Labour is not given another chance to fuck things up and the advice if you might encounter a Labour politician?  Don't Look Now.

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29.9.13 Television Traumas

This week's TV Guide is rather annoying, right from the cover!  "I became invisible when I hit 40" is the quote that accompanies the picture of Jane Horrocks.  Sorry, luv, but I tend to disagree with you, because you're on the fucking cover, and not quite invisible enough - if that makes any sense at all!  If I hear your voice-over on another train-booking advert, I will stick my head in a blender.

Before the actual schedules, I see a small piece on Trevor McDonald, teed up with: "The veteran broadcaster on why television has a duty to shock viewers sometimes."  The only thing that's really shocking is that Trevor is still on screen and abusing the English language.  Trev, when you filmed 'Women Behind Bars', I wished you'd swapped places.

Mystery of the Week

This goes to "I Love My Country".  No, surprisingly not for why the hell is this shite on television (which is clearly a valid question with a single outcome) but why it featured Duncan Bannatyne!  Who was at the secret meeting where it was decided he is (a) popular, (b) worthy, and (c) deserving of attention?  He pops up on TV as a 'celebrity' for absolutely no good reason at all - and he is generally useless at absolutely everything.

Obsession of the Week

This goes to Channel 4 for its continued attention to "Big Fat Gypsies".  This week we have "My Big Fat Gypsy Ladies' Day" and "My Big Fat Gypsy Christening".  Channel 4 was pushed very hard by BBC2, which thought we would all like various slants on bikers, with: "The Hairy Bikers' Bakeation" [something which annoys with a non-word] "Hairy Bikers' Meals on Wheels Back on the Road" [yawn] and "The Hairy Bikers: Everyday Gourmets" [a rather generous description, I think you'll agree]

Don't Give a Shit of the Week

This must surely go to Sunday's edition of "Escape to the Country", and the blurb that states: "Three buyers with an £800,000 budget . . . . "  which I think is grounds enough to not give a shit.  Why these rich cunts can't fuck off and find a home themselves I don't know.  I suspect being on telly is attractive to some.  I blame the BBC for lazy cuntish television.  Maybe a couple with no more than a fart and a shoestring might provide a more realistic basis for finding somewhere?

Worst Programme Name or Idea of the Week

This goes without question to the pathetic Thursday morning hour devoted to shit on BBC2 - "Robert Peston Goes Shopping", a pointless repeat of a pointless programme featuring a pointless prick.

Horrendous Content of the Week

Dickinson's Real Deal provides the inanity, with the listing's confirmation as follows, for Wednesday's offering: "Items including a daguerreotype brooch and a tea caddy get the once over in Ilford."  Not TV gold. [Please note that this is not the same tea caddy as the one featured on BBC1's Antiques Roadshow on Sunday, with an entry as follows: "Items at the Royal Agricultural University near Cirencester include a tea caddy used for a budgie's ashes."]

Innuendo of the Week

Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall wins with "River Cottage Every Day" and the Wednesday hour which is apparently as follows: "Hugh tries to get a Bristol office to embrace the ultimate DIY lunchbox."

Brainwashing of the Week

This goes to the Wednesday hour-long mystery drama, "Viking River Cruises" on ITV, which features (amongst pointless flashing images designed to scare) a few minutes of something called 'Whitechapel', whatever that is.  [Note: I believe that viewers in Scotland may be saved from this trauma, as sponsorship is by Lidl, which suggests a thought process that considers shopping at Lidl to be more appropriate for Scots than a river cruise, for some reason]

Great Tediousness of the Week

Yes, there's yet another unnecessary and annoying use of the word 'great' in a television programme; this week we have on BBC1 "The Great British Year" which adds further reinforcement to the confusion for some.  I refer of course to the fact that there is no such thing as Great British but the description of something British could include the word 'great' (small 'g').

Poor Taste Title of the Week

Channel 5 scoops this with: "Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead" [7.00pm Tuesday]

Twat of the Week ( and until further notice)

There can be no disputing that Bruce Forsythe is a fucking liability who delivers inanity with no aplomb to an audience that by and large is pathetic and laps up the complete shit that would not even be well received at a party for toddlers.  It is a travesty that he is - on my screen / breathing / paid - [delete as/if applicable]

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28.9.13 Advertising Annoyances

Santander

The pointless use of celebrities has never been so well highlighted as with the awful fucking Santander adverts, which do absolutely nothing to encourage or convince me to have anything to do with Santander. In fact, the company's choice of ad campaign and celebrity input is enough to do the complete opposite.  Sorry, Jenson, but can you please 'button' it, with your wooden 'acting'.  As for Jessica Ennis, dire, dire, dire. Thank god I've not seen Rory McIlroy for a while!

McDonald's

"Take a trip to Spain" is the theme of the recent adverts, and we learn about what we can expect by way of ingredients, including 'Chorizo' which the voice-over bloke cannot even fucking pronounce properly. Chorizo is of course Spanish, and the letter 'z' is pronounced as 'th', and not 'ts'.  I am not "lovin' it".

Muller Light

Yet another fucking reference to "award winning" which is the most overused and irrelevant phrase of the twenty-first century.  "Product of the year in the healthy yoghurt category is Muller Light" is the limp blurb delivered by Dermot O'Dreary, who surely cannot need the money.  This so-called "award" proves completely that "award winning" is the most devalued term around.

Specsavers

Talking of awards, I cannot believe that there's such a thing as "Spectacle Wearer of the Year".  The "event" is hosted by none other than Gok Wan.  I suppose there's slightly more relevance to (though of course NO more interest in) such an endorsement than the pointless association he has with Activia, and the bifidus bollockus irregularis shite.

Iams

This brand was until very recently pronounced with the 'a', actually as a plural of "I am".  Now, all of a sudden, some bright cunt in marketing decides that the 'a' is dispensable, and irrelevant.  Thus, the pronunciation is like a plural of "I'm".  I'm not impressed.  Was Yul Brynner the King of Siam, or the King of Sime?

Aquafresh

Once upon a time it was the case that toothpaste was a rather simple commodity, and required no more than a word to distinguish one type of paste from another.  'Colgate' was enough to tell us it was not 'SR' or 'Ultrabrite', and that 'Macleans' was not 'Aquafresh'.  Now, though, it's essential that we get much more in the way of a description, as demonstrated by the latest ads for Aquafresh - sorry, "Aquafresh High Definition (Tingling Mint) White".  It's not a fucking television!  I think we get the message that it's going to try and help teeth look white (as opposed to cunting purple, for Christ's sake?).

Vodaphone

The latest (and so annoying) adverts featuring Yoda are arguably the worst for encouraging completely irresponsible behaviour.  The punchline/strap-line is: "Be lost in your favourite stuff on the go", and we are shown a twat wearing earphones who is inches from injury because he's not got a fucking clue what's going on around him!  How daft is Vodaphone?  Very!  Suggesting to anyone that ignorance is bliss and that moving around with no care about anything but the stuff entering ears via headphones is madness.  It won't be long before some idiot it hit by a car and sues Vodaphone because Yoda wasn't there to save him.

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28.9.13 Robbery At Morrisons

Daylight robbery!  The new design at the Morrisons store is a welcome one, allowing rather freer movement now that there's space enough for trolleys, and lower levels of obstruction (despite concerted efforts of twat-like shoppers, which sadly persist).  In the new 'Market Street' atmosphere, I was able to obtain some chillis. This was of course beyond the entrance that was cluttered with people, loiterers, items on sale and general mayhem caused by tailbacks on queues for cigarettes, lottery tickets and customer service input).  The finger chillis were on sale at £4.99 per kilo, and I put about eight or so into a small bag.

At the checkouts, half an hour later, I was annoyed to spot the checkout woman ringing up a sale for chillis at £7.99 per kilo.  I pointed this out to her, and said that the price was £4.99.  She was not to be moved, and insisted that the correct charge was £7.99.  I confirmed there was a fucking great sign saying £4,99 per kilo but she was having none of it, and said it was only eight pence.

Being more interested in eating a stir fry that contains chillis than one that does not, I decided not to kick off at this outrageous display of cunting uselessness by a checkout operator.  The "Market Street" approach by Morrisons does not really work if the fuckers at the checkout don't recognise any of the produce, whether 'fancy' or rather more basic!  The idiot was charging for chilli peppers and not finger chillis.  It was my own good fortune that the weight of the items was so low as to lead to 8p as a charge at the inflates price rather than the 5p or 6p that should have been applied.  Her advice that I could take it up with Customer Services was pathetic.  For two cunting pence I couldn't be bothered.  I was robbed of two pence in broad daylight by a thick twat on the checkouts.

Beware.

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28.9.13 Offended At People Being Offended

I have just witnessed the most pathetic example of the world being fucked up. Robbie Fowler having to make an apology on BBC during Final Score for an earlier comment.  He actually described the incident between Fernando Torres and Jan Vertonghen (which led to Torres being sent off) as not very serious at all.  He referred to their 'scuffle' as no more than an altercation between two women - in essence, the "handbags at dawn" scenario.

The fact that some cunts have bothered to contact the BBC to complain about this comment is FUCKING PATHETIC.  This is not a free country, there is no common sense at all, and the right of people to be o-fucking-fended is appallingly overdone.

Next, we'll have objections to supermarkets selling inflatable gay dolls to serve as "my gay best friend".  Oh, we've had that already, eh?

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26.9.13 Atrocious Asda

Not for the first time I am having to log my complete dissatisfaction with Asda. The local 'sham' store is not a large one, and so manages to piss off more easily than it should.  The stock lines are fucked up so that many options are not available to shoppers, and the lack of 'Smart Price' lines is atrocious.  The rip-off is thus pervasive and unacceptable.

Despite there being a shortage of choice in many areas, I found this evening that I was still able to consider (and reject) the option of buying a leg of lamb for £17.  However, there were no shoulder steaks on sale. Kids anoraks took up space, but there were no Beef Hula Hoops.  I was free, though, to purchase some cunting paint!  Offers littered the freezer cabinets, to coincide with empty shelves.  Oriental dresses at the entrance for £10 were the least urgent of my intended purchases.

Aero yoghurts that were 50p last week are now £1.38 (two for £2) and the crisps deal was confusing. £2.50 per packet or two for £5 - representing an excellent deal, don't you think?  Sadly the 'classic' multi-pack was infected with Worcester Sauce and Prawn Cocktail, bundled with the three standard flavours, so I moved on.

I was able to buy some Ginger Cream biscuits in the internationally accepted portion size of 168g.  I am of course being sarcastic.  There is no logic within the world of supermarkets other than an underlying intention to rip off consumers, hoodwink the thick (giving Asda an advantage!) and claim to be the people's champion. The DVD selection was shittier than a cow pat and nothing was under £7.

The £5 tins (well, plastic tubs these days) of chocolates were on the end of the aisle, and I checked the weights.  These are the ones that historically were 1kg tins, but which have over recent years shrunk at the same rate as the integrity of both the supermarkets and the manufacturers.

Quality Street 820g (795g without counting the wrappers)
Roses 850g (826g without the wrappers)
Celebrations 766g (750g without the wrappers)
Heroes 780g (760g without the wrappers)

I have no idea why wrappers are ever counted because I've never met anyone who eats them.  I have no idea why Quality Street and Roses weights drop by 25g/24g yet Celebrations uses just 16g of stuff, while Heroes is in the middle. Above these offerings were 650g tins of Foxes biscuits, allegedly reduced from £12 to £5.  What a fucking joke/lie/con.

I looked at the Ryvita, and saw that 200g packets of "With A Hint of Chilli" were on sale at £1.59.  I opted for the 250g Dark Rye version, and spent 50p on a packet of chillis, getting 25% more, and a fuck more chilli than just a hint!

I resisted the urge to buy awful black socks that were strategically positioned in front of the beer and lager. No doubt some cunt in marketing thinks that men buy beer and might be tempted to spontaneously buy socks if plonked in their way.  I wished the marketing bods would spontaneously combust, and moved the stupid round 'basket' that held the socks, to get to the Carlsberg.  I was fortunately able to buy some beer at only £1 more than the price in Tesco.

The shop was relatively busy, but only three cuntin' checkouts were working, and there was no twat with a stick pointing out 'Space Here'.

Am I bitter?  Yes - because before the store opened in June, there was a lovely green field.  Now it's been replaced with another green that's fucking useless, and it will no doubt pave the way for further businesses to rip up the countryside and expand the tarmac.  This 'pretend' supermarket is fucking useless, and denies shoppers the ability to complete any more than 60% of their shopping through limited choice or shelves being empty.  At least the checkout operator didn't ask me: "Did you find everything you were looking for?"  If she'd dared, I would have had to divulge my views.  She did ask me after receiving payment if I'd like to give my postcode to help with a survey and I of course declined.  I left wondering why the fuck Fairy Liquid was being sold in bottles of 1050ml, and why I hadn't gone to Morrisons.

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26.9.13 October Monthly Madness

What is it with this time of the year, and nutty ideas to give things up linked to the month.  October has been used as a basis to create the completely unnatural word "Stoptober", to encourage people to give up smoking for a month.  Excuse me, but I suspect that giving up cigarettes for a month is not quite a straightforward as instigators and advertisers might think.  Such a feat, because it happens to be October, will be made rather more difficult if people are expected to participate in the other fad that coincides with it, the suggested "Stay Sober For October".  Could we end up with ratty people ready to headbutt you for breathing, who've been deprived of alcohol and nicotine?

Roll on November; BUT, that's when people (usually men!) are expected to let their facial hair grow without restraint or removal.  Sadly there are many thousands of men who should NEVER follow this path, who are encouraged to think they might be suited to excess hair.  As a result, unsightly faces are touted for November.

As for raising money, well anyone who is not drinking or smoking can put their 'savings' into the charity box, and Im not going to be "Fucked Over In October". And NO, I will not be sponsoring anyone to avoid use of a Bic or Gillette blade in November.

How about eating excessively in June - "Balloon in June" or would it be better to "Moon in June" perhaps?

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25.9.2013 Pointless (No.439)

Pointless

Pippa Middleton

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21.9.13 X-Factor Farce Last Week

This is a delayed post of my observations from last week's shenanigans just ahead of tonight's offering from the tampered-with world of ITV and X-Factor. My ears were assaulted by pathetic utterances, and I wondered whether to stick my head in the oven.

Saturday

Thomas The Tank Engine (TTT) otherwise known as Gary Barlow, was able to deliver in deadpan style: "I'm so excited" while looking and sounding anything BUT 'excited'.

Kingsland 'performed' although I would take the case to the European Courts if I had to, to contest this view, and the comments afterwards included:

"A lot of thrustations" from Nicole Scherzinger, who drawled and talked shite with non-English.

"This could be the start of the rest of your lives" from Louis Walsh (aka the Elf) and I was numbed by the inanity of this outburst from the twat.

Rough Copy 'sang' complete bollocks and 'rough as fuck' was my assessment of the contribution to the evening.  This warbling tosh was applauded by the judges, though, and I lost faith in any objectiveness that I'd hoped lingered in the vicinity of the X-Factor roadshow.  Nicole exemplified the shite with:

"Now that's what I call a Rough Copy experience" which of course was a meaningless comment.

Liddia & Ryan was the freak input for the evening, and clearly we were all supposed to be outraged at the nerve and uselessness of the duo.  What a pity that the increasingly annoying Nicole referred to them as "Liddi and Ry" in her comment.  Stupid woman.  TTT managed to do rather better with his input:

"You couldn't get a gig in an empty pub."  Well done TTT.
"You are the two most deluded people I've heard all day" was the Elf exclamation.

These quotes were topped by the two twats who avoided any sense of talent, when Liddia said: "We're off to The Voice."  Good luck, love.

Giles was presented to us after a VT showing him with his mum and dad in the queue.  Twee.  He was a nice chap, and told us: "I've been waiting for this all my life" and we learned that he was/is only 16 years old!

Lydia Lucy was good, though she shouted a bit.  The worst element was/is her name.

Nicholas McDonald seemed a nice chap.  The 16-year-old was asked 'Why do you want to be a pop star?' by Elf, and the answer was "Because I'm rubbish at school."  TTT voted 'No' while the other three got it right with 'Yes'.

Stephanie Woods last appeared when she was 14 years old and got to see Sharon Osbourne's house - unlucky girl.  Now aged 20, she sang and was excellent.  TTT showed his dimness with "There is improvements to be made."  Sharon said, "I feel so old" and Elf responded with his funniest retort: "You are old."

Samantha Harper wanted to be as big as Beyonce, and J-Koda was fucking awful - TTT commented: "TFZ - Talent Free Zone".  Aaron Dale was dead wood and exited via the toilet door.  Then we had Souli Roots, a waste of space who somehow managed to endear the judges to her (except for TTT who said: "It might feel good, it just doesn't sound good."  He was so right; it will never win so WTF is the point of patronising the wacky woman?

James McDonald, the Nottingham bus driver was good enough, as was Louise Harper with her guitar. Then Next of Kin managed to bring out the superlatives from the judges.  Elf = 'Big'  Sharon = 'Huge' TTT = 'Massive' Nicole = 'Absolute'.  TMWSC = 'Good'.

Sunday

Souli Roots was diafuckingbolical, yet got a "Good job" from Nicole, and "We need some more reggae on X-Factor" from Elf.  Yes, Elf, but not noise. Only TTT got it right with a 'No'.

Lydia Lucy took a big risk and managed to stand out.  Nicole was surprised, and said: "Where did you come from?"  "Essex" was the funny answer.

Jeanette Akua wasn't on the Saturday show (?) but was interesting.  Lucy McGuire was also new but awful, as was Emily Felix.  These were the token acts that were needed for the balance of the show to be right.  So far everyone on the Saturday show was going through after the follow-up performance. James McDonald managed to be a generally good singer who got only one 'Yes' and went home.  Whilst he was good but not a winner, he was so much better than Souli Roots who did get put through!  WTF?

Kingsland got through despite the vocals being off a lot of the time.  It seems there's a lot of 'tolerance' when it suits.  Next of Kin showed some talent and went through, as did Nicholas McDonald, who did himself proud.

Sadly, the ad breaks included yet more of Dermot O'Dreary, plugging Muller Light yoghurt.

...

3.9.13 News That Sucks

Identity Request

There are two different aspects to the story this week regarding the ID check requested by a checkout operator when a woman decided to buy a fly swat. Quite clearly there was some sort of mad error in the coding of this product, because a 99p plastic fly swatter is hardly an offensive weapon, so there was no need to check that the purchaser was above the age of 18.  The last time I looked at UK legislation, there was no ban on anyone under 18 killing a fly, and there was not even a guideline or advisory note from the animal welfare faction. So, a fly being swatted by a plastic implement is acceptable in 2013 Britain.  I think it's different in the Third World, as I recall seeing on numerous occasions pictures of small malnourished children who are plagued by flies, and they are not allowed to kill flies.

The real issue here is not the mad rules (highlighted by the customer, Nicola Butcher, who later said that a frying pan would have made a better weapon for doing damage) but the stupid adherence to them by the checkout operator, who wanted a passport or a driving licence!  The twattish (or should that be swattish) comment from the assistant manager was: "We think it might be an error in our till system."  Thanks for that, luv - fantastic insight!

Finally, to compound the whole fiasco, the customer, Nicola Butcher, is thirty-fucking-three!  You do not need cunting ID when you're that much past any fucking limit anyway.  If the checkout operator had not the common sense to ignore the ID check, she was a complete imbecile if she could not deduce that the customer was over 18 anyway.  Challenging an acne-riddled youth who wants a litre of vodka is one thing, but a 33-year-old mum in need of a plastic fly sway is another.  The UK is mad.

Fucking Priests

I don't mean literally - for a change.  No, I am highlighting the stupidity of the religious twats who displayed this week a rather pathetic approach in modern Britain.  When there's so little need for 'religion', why did Reverend Neil Patterson think it was acceptable to marry Charlotte Sullivan (a deranged 40-year-old) and Matthew, a 51-year-old bloke who is as mad as she is?  She walked up the aisle with her pet goat called Moses alongside?  One of the bridesmaids was a bull terrier called Bessie.  If the church is this delinquent in its decision making and in its actions, then it deserves to be abandoned at lightning speed.  The church is an ass!

Council Pillocks

Brighton & Hove Council is without doubt the loopiest collection of arseholes in the UK, after the recent decision to allow travellers use of a park after unlocking the gates!  After adopting an approach of locking gates over the summer after ongoing problems with travellers, it did an about turn when 30 caravans were set to arrive.  Apparently there was concern that some of the travellers might hurt themselves trying to get in. The result is that the police have no power to evict them now.  Instead, the council will have to embark on a lengthy civil court case to get rid of these squatters, and so in turn the local residents, via their taxes, will be paying for that - all the time having to manage without use of the park now that it's infected with numerous caravans and the accompanying clutter.  Wild Park is a place that may well turn a bit wilder - from the area's largest nature reserve to a human wildlife park.  The thirty caravans on site are bound to be just the start of an influx; it's pretty likely that a few phone calls will be made to alert other travellers that they can 'come on down'.  The council is blaming Health & Safety.  That's a complete cop-out; the fault lies 100% with the useless CIC.

Curry Cunts

Two twats ordered a curry to be delivered to a false address, and then stole it from the delivery bloke after holding a gun to his head.  This whole episode beggars belief, but Dale Barker and Liam Donovan truly were stupid cunts, and have no real grip on reality.  They were jailed for 28 months and 36 months respectively, although we all know that this means, in real terms, 9 months and 12 months of time actually served unless they act up in prison.  Stealing a £30 curry at gunpoint suggests delinquency, and perhaps a country with a growing proportion of lunatics.  The fact that they were traced back to Barker's home where the pair were hiding in a toilet makes the whole thing even more farcical.


[ CIC = Cunts In Charge ]

...

3.9.13 We Could Really Do Without . . .

The following all have one thing in common; they play an unnecessary part in our lives and we could well do without them.  How many to you agree with?


1     - Rihanna
2     - Meerkats in adverts
3     - Gratuitous singing in Halifax adverts
4     - Justin Bieber
5     - Katie Price
6     - Tamara Ecclestone
7     - Miley Cyrus
8     - Roulette on TV
9     - Tony Blair
10   - Rickets
11   - Religion
12   - Excessive delays in traffic light sequencing
13   - Traffic lights on roundabouts outside of rush hour
14   - Referring to Andy Murray as "Muzza"
15   - Bruce Forsythe as well as all his lame attempts at being funny
16   - Helen Flanagan
17   - Churchill adverts and the nodding Dawn French
18   - Kevin Bacon
19   - The obsession with paying for sofas over 4 years
20   - Terms & Conditions
21   - The Co-operative
22   - Forced self service by supermarkets
23   - The people who point out 'Space Here' in supermarkets
24   - The question: "Do you need any bags?"
25   - The rationing of bags
26   - Recommended Retail Prices (which are in fact meaningless)
27   - Gordon Brown
28   - Betting shops
29   - Sharon Osbourne
30   - Dawn French
31   - The word 'wantaway'
32   - The Go Compare Bloke
33   - Robert Mugabe
34   - Helmets on display on the parcel shelf of cars
35   - The stupidly high usage of high visibility vests/coats
36   - John Terry
37   - Luis Suarez
38   - Chewing gum
39   - Brussels sprouts
40   - The awful non-word 'chillax'
41   - Extreme anything
42   - 'I Love My Country' on BBC1
43   - Automated call handling systems
44   - Wonga
45   - Twerking
46   - Twin towns
47   - Scratchcards
48   - Horrible tasting 'No Added Sugar' varieties of drink
49   - Boots (the shop)
50   - About 50% of all politicians
51   - £50 notes, as no fucker accepts them
52   - The word / colour 'mauve'.
53   - Anything maroon
54   - Maroon 5 (in case you didn't get the message in No.53)
55   - Hoodies
56   - Use of "Great British" in the names of TV programmes
57   - The BBC's obsession with creating a game show linked to the National Lottery draw
58   - The ludicrous number of charities now 'competing' with each other for our money
59   - Upselling
60   - Banks forcing contactless cards on us
61   - People eating in the cinema
62   - Wind turbines
63   - Benefits cheats
64   - Junk mail
65   - Use of "Math" instead of "Maths"
66   - Julian Assange
67   - Bingo
68   - Misuse of the apostrophe
69   - Unnecessary/excessive packaging
70   - Toenails that don't know which way to grow
71   - Wasps
72   - European Human Rights legislation used for ludicrous reasons by criminals
73   - Gangrene and gout
74   - Cricket
75   - Loose Women
76   - Trombones
77   - WAGs who simply want to be WAGs
78   - Vince Cable
79   - The Channel 4 obsession with Gypsies, whether Big, Fat or Anything
80   - Nicki Minaj
81   - Beyonce
82   - Taylor Swift's bleating, relationship hang-ups and generally bitchiness
83   - The annoying marketing of Plug-in air fresheners
84   - The pointless egg compartments in fridges
85   - Christmas decorations before November
86   - Tacky stretch limousines and Hummers
87   - Sports Direct
88   - Obesity
89   - Bianca Gascoigne
90   - The term "trending"
91   - John Prescott
92   - People who unjustifiably class themselves as 'presenters' or 'models'
93   - Mispronunciation of "Fifth" (Fith) "Sixth" (Sikth) and "Twelfth" (Twelth)
94   - Artificially chirpy weather forecasters
95   - Ed Miliband
96   - Cuntish judges who give pathetically low sentences to offenders
97   - Ponies that can't even do one trick
98   - Nick Clegg
99   - Prices ending in 99p
100 - Rihanna, again

...

2.9.13 Dictionary Corner

Assange (n.) An affront or outrage; a cause of anger, disgust or frustration.  A display or action which causes any of the aforementioned.

BBC (abr.) Biased Broadcasting Corporation.

Bieberism (n.) The art of acting like a complete cunt.  Derived from (Justin) Bieber's actions, particularly in 2013.

Bingo (n.) Pointless game which comes in far too many cunting varieties, for example: Foxy~, Wink~, Sun~, Gala~, Mecca~, Kitty~ to name just a few out of many dozens.

Blairism (n.) An obsession to earn money, promote oneself, trample on others, deny any wrongdoing and generally be a self-serving shit while lauding it over all others, all the time adopting hypocrisy as an underlying trait. Thought to have been named after Tony Blair, although some argue that Cherie Blair has an almost equal claim on being the subject of the term.

Clegg (n.) Like a clog but more wooden and less useful.

Cleverley (adv.) In a manner or style that is anything but clever - in fact the very opposite.  Eg. Tom cleverly kicked the ball for Manchester Utd and wasted it.

Coast (n.) Television programme on BBC2 which has been filling schedules for years, despite there being a finite amount of fucking coast to wander along.

Collective Noun (n.) The name of a number or collection of people or things taken together and spoken of as one whole.  A collective noun is SINGULAR, despite the fact that 8-out-of-10 cunts get this wrong.  For example, and to Quote Jeremy Paxman on University Challenge: "The next set of questions are on music." Clearly this proves he's as thick as most.  So, to give an example of proper usage: "The snatch of cunts is useless."  [Snatch being the collective noun for a set of cunts]

Cricket (n.) What something just is not, if that something is unfair, unsporting or simply wrong.

Dawn (v.) To diet unsuccessfully, thought to come from the French.

Dermott (n.) Something or somebody particularly dreary, thought to be a term linked to Dreary O'Leary.

DFS (abr.) Dire Fucking Sofas, and a trade name for a company selling such. The relentless haranguing of the public to buy over four years has turned sofa-buying into a national sport in the UK.

Ecclestone (n.) A crystalline concretion (similar to a gallstone) that pisses off the sufferer, who will acquire an Ecclestone through exposure to ludicrous levels of richness mixed with bad taste, and a repugnant attitude. The main cause of this awful state is exposure to Tamara, who only lives in another world in the metaphoric sense, sadly.

Fern (v.) To supposedly diet successfully, and to claim weight loss through diet and exercise while actually cheating. Having a gastric band fitted on the sly is the preferred method, as demonstrated in the 'Britton' technique.

Fewer (adj.) A word that sadly gets a shit deal, wrongly losing out to "less" because thick cunts don't know the difference.

Flanagan (n.) A word meaning a severe clanger.  It is now commonly accepted that dropping one is termed "doing a Flanagan".  The term comes from the pathetic creature known as Helen Flanagan, whose abilities, awareness, sensitivity and intelligence are all wanting.  Actually, not so much 'wanting' as existing purely as "trace", just like certain ingredients are listed on food packaging now.

Forsythe (n.) A depressingly shit joke that's so tired it ought to be put down by a vet.  Takes its name from Bruce, who has spent most of his career extolling the virtues of his own lame jokes despite the groans that have echoed around him for thirty years now.

Gok (n.) Someone you've got to do something with or find something to do with.  A Gok is a generic term synonymous with 'nuisance', and applies most commonly when a person is under contract but has no real use anymore, meaning that employers must be creative.  Gok's are commonly forced upon people (especially in the media and in broadcasting) who sooner or later will resent the presence.

Grammar (n.) Something that is sadly not used as commonly as it should be.

Halifax (v.) To sing obsessively for no logical reason about things that ought never to be sung about.

Homage (n.) Pretentious mispronunciation of a word in an attempt to retain Frenchness when there's absolutely no need to do so.  This extends to a stupid non-English sound as well as a change of stress from the first to the second syllable.  [This should not be pronounced om-ARJ ever]

Ipswich (n.) A place where one can change an IP address.

Jackpot Joy (n.) A misleading term that denotes no fucking joy at all, especially if presented in association with a 'Windsor' (see separate listing).

Jimmy (n.) A type of Nail.

Kinnock (v.) To milk the system for all it is worth, and make stupid amounts of money for doing little more than nothing.  Kinnocking is popular in South Wales, and in Europe.  A two-pronged attack on funds is known as a 'Double Kinnock'.  Criticism of Kinnocking is known as 'Kinnock Knocking'

Knock Knock (n) An instance of two people Kinnocking (otherwise known as a 'Double Kinnock').

Lambert Talk (n.) A mumbling, inaudible monotone from the mouth of Paul Lambert, the manager of Aston Villa FC.  Rarely can anyone understand what he is attempting to say, and when occasionally the words are audible, they make little or no sense.

Lambeth Walk (n.) A song from the 1937 musical "Me and My Girl".

Meerkats (n.pl.) Small ubiquitous, annoying cunts.

Miley (v.) To go from one extreme to the other, especially in terms of behaviour and good taste, pushing things to the limit by being sluttish and attention-seeking.  The best example of this is the switch by Miley Cyrus from "Hannah Montana" to "Complete Slut & Tramp".

Mullerlicious (adj./sl.) Processed to fuck and neither tasty nor nutritious.

Nigella (adj.) Like a victim; seemingly victimised.

Olympics 2012 (n.pl.) Last year's Little Chef meals.

Outlet (n.) Pretentious word for 'Shop' and actually should be removed from the English language because there's absolutely no need or reason or justification for this word.  As for anything described as a 'factory outlet', that's simply a 'fucking shop'.

Prism (n.) An obsession with PR.

Queries (n.pl.) Questions about homosexual fairies.

Rap (n.) A missing initial letter 'C'.

Rihanna (N.) Well known singer whose ubiquity is nauseating, and whose life choices have been described as questionable after she resumed a relationship with Chris Brown.  She sets an appalling example to fans, especially her younger female followers, and seems desperate to display herself in provocative poses via Twitter.  She was perhaps one of the first to 'miley'.

Skrtel (n.) A severe lack of vowels.

Suarez (n.) A set of teeth that contains extra incisors and the collective likes in unison to chomp sporadically on other people for no apparent reason.

That's A Very Good Question (Phrase) Pointless, unnecessary utterance from someone who instead of answering decides to be patronising whilst stalling for time.  Use of this phrase marks the user as a tosser, and (most often) as a politician.

Trivago (n.) Method of booking a hotel stay - only in Barcelona, though.

Tweedy (n.) Someone who decides to retain her adopted name rather than her maiden name, despite divorcing, because it is advantageous - either because it sounds better or provides other benefits in self-promotion.  Best exemplified by Cheryl Cole.

Undertaker (n.) 1 - One who buries the dead.  2 - One who wants to end up dead by overtaking on the inside lane.

Usain (n.) A type of bolt.

Virginity (n.) A particular bearded look, one with a close resemblance to Richard Branson.

Wantaway (n.) A pathetic word for a pathetic individual, and the literal meaning is 'greedy cunt', based on the Wantaway simply wanting to move away from the current environment for more money.  The main realm for this term is sport, and most particularly football. (adj) implying that the person concerned wants to get away from the current environment, or club in respect of football, because he's a greedy cunt.

Windsor (n.) 1 - A type of knot into which a tie may be fashioned. 2 - An annoying-as-fuck voice that is allegedly a 'national treasure' but of course is nothing of the sort.  A grating and horrendous assault on human ears, especially in association with 'Jackpot Joy'.

Wonga (N.) Company with no ethics and serving its own interests by charging interest at over 5000% on loans.  Sadly 'endorsement' has come from Newcastle United FC, whose acceptance of sponsorship displays a completely fucked-up sense of responsibility.

Working Men's Club (n.) Establishment where the main qualification/criterion for membership or attendance is in fact NOT working.

X-Factor (N.) Television show that sets out to dominate the TV schedules for three-and-a-half months of the year, and create vast wealth for ITV and Simon Cowell.  The programme is far too much about the judges instead of the talent spotting, and manipulation is rife.  Dermot O'Dreary presides over the presentation, while tired lines are fed to the public by overpaid twerps, eg. Louis Walsh.

Yaya (n.) 1 - A female yoyo from Manchester.

Yazz (prep. & adv.) Up.

Zero (n.) The amount of taste in a Diet Coke.

Zidane (n.) A head butt.

Zinedine (adj.) Severe and/or nasty.

...

1.9.13 Earthquake Disaster

I sadly and accidentally stumbled across the Chart Show last Sunday, playing on Radio 1, just at the point where the number four was about to start.  The title of this noise was "Earthquake" and what a complete fucking disaster it was.  I struggled to come to terms with how the dreadful noise coming from my car speakers was in any way worthy of a top forty position let alone a fourth place as a new entry!

As is typical these days, those in the charts are often incapable of creating anything independently, and so there are numerous collaborations.  This means that instead of there being a sense-check (what with there being  more than one set of ears to help raise the alarm when things are bad) there are instead numerous examples of how poor quality escapes vetting (and culling).

DJ Fresh was thus not totally responsible for 'Earthquake', the shatteringly awful racket at No.4.  His partners in crime are Diplo and Dominique Young.  I avoided crashing the car as the discordant bollocks rattled on for three minutes.  I can only say that in comparison with 'Earthquake', the horrendous 'Black and Yellow' (released in Sept 2010) was a veritable masterpiece - which is wasn't, of course.

12 of the top 20 note multiple inputs!

...

1.9.13 August Poor Grammar of the Month

1   - "Spain do have the power to close the border."  [Do it indeed!  Twat on ITV News regarding Gibraltar]

2   - "We're going to look at which each of these phobias are a fear of."  [Alexander Armstrong on 'Pointless']

3   - "The village have been up in arms about it."  [Ray Robson in N.Yorkshire, in local paper]

4   - "Scotland Yard are . . . "  [TV News reporter]

5   - "This industry are saving the taxpayer millions."  [Twat on TV from LA Fitness UK]

6   - "That's why Domestos have assembled their best team."  [TV Advert]

...

1.9.13 August Quotes of the Month

1   - "You'll have to excuse me, I'm breaking in a new paper boy."  [Norris on Coronation Street]

2   - "There's one bowl of strawberry yoghurt left and I've hidden it behind a Chinese Cabbage, otherwise you won't get any."  [Mrs MWSC]

3   - "Counting."  [The answer from a contestant on National Lottery: Break The Safe when Nick Knowles asked her what method she used to judge thirty seconds]

4   - "In this pantheon of the best matches of all time, that one won't feature."  [Adrian Chiles talking shite]

5   - "That's a whole other big chunk of money."  [Nick Knowles talking gibberish]

6   - "I think maybe two minutes."  [Pi, volunteering a comment in a matter-of-fact manner about the probable life of a butterfly loitering on the window sill, clearly injured]

7   - "It was Charlie Adam with that educated left foot finish."  [John Motson being a dick]

8   - "The important thing is not to let the race bubble on ahead of them."  [Sports commentator regarding the rowing]

9   - "I think there's blood in the water here."  [The same commentator getting slightly carried away!]

10 - "Eight inch if possible, but ten inch I'll accept."  [Jess, talking about . . . . . pizzas]

11 - "It's all neck and neck, and even stevens."  [Nick Knowles, again, talking rubbish]

12 - "They certainly turned up when it mattered."  [Manish Basin regarding Yeovil Town players scoring, rather than actually 'turning up']

13 - "It's a bit of a bumpy ride into the weekend."  [Usual shit from weather forecaster]

14 - "Every day more photos are taken with the iphone."  [A rather pointless statement when you analyse it]

15 - "They'll be expecting him to work those gulleys."  [Andy Townsend talking crap about non-existent 'gulleys']

16 - "That thing with Jeremy Clarkson?"  [Jess, after Liam asked, "Have you ever seen Top Gun?"]

17 - "The penalty was a penalty, everybody saw that."  [Paul Lambert]

18 - "He missed two huge moments.  How can you miss that magnitude of a decision?  It is beyond me."  [Paul Lambert, again]

...