The Gazette
I was unlucky enough to find myself left with a copy of the local paper. Someone visiting the house must have left it behind, and looking through it reinforced why I don't bother buying local papers. I did notice some odd things, as I scanned the pages. There was an advert for a sale, alongside a £50 'voucher'; whilst there's little surprising about this, the wording of the offer had me confused:
MASSIVE MATTRESS SALE
I could not work out whether this was a sale of very large mattresses, or a very big sale of ordinary mattresses. If anyone know, don't bother to tell me.
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I also read an article on fuel consumption, and was driven to despair (pun intended) by the writer's much poorer puns, illiteracy, mixed metaphors and long 'non-sentences'. Let me give you an idea, by exactly relaying the first part.
"With two kids to tote around Teesside, mum's taxi can often be a very expensive thing to run. And with the price of petrol driving ever deeper inroads into everyone's increasingly stretched pockets, we're all looking at ways to pinch the budget."
Have you honestly ever heard such shit? The woman who wrote this drivel was relaying her experiences, driving around town twice. The second time she adopted some techniques to save fuel, based on the observations of a chap sitting next to her. I suggest that the chap should have written the article, because he couldn't have been any worse. The story went on, but I'll save you the tosh. There was, though, a section below, where the editor thought it appropriate to pad out the feature with 'Your Views', and the explanatory note saying:
WE ASKED: What are your money saving tips for cheaper driving?
Among the two or three sensible but predictable one-liners from Joe Public were a few pathetic contributions. I don't know whether to blame the contributors for being thick, or the editir for being a twat.
D Brunskill included in his comments a suggestion of, "Get a lift from someone else" and this is clearly NOT a tip for cheaper driving, but one for doing no fucking driving at all. This was after his opening comment, suggestion "coasting for a bit". I maintain that 'coasting' is not a safe practice, as one lose's much control of the vehicle!
L Welch helped us by stating her tip - "I often walk rather than drive". How the fuck is this a tip on cheaper driving, you idiot? Here's my tip for saving money on the cost of Wembley tickets to see England - "Watch it on TV". There you go; do you see what I mean? How to save energy on a 25-mile bike ride? Watch Corrie on the sofa! How to cut down on calorie intake? Starve yourself!
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I will leave you with a good example of there being in journalism no understanding of the difference between singular and plural, plus ignorance on proper use of collective nouns. As for consistency, well, an abstract concept that is unachievable, and sentence construction is not so much a dying art but one that's six-feet under!
A group of neighbours are hoping plans will be given the green light to allow them to extend their gardens by buying land from the council. Middlesbrough Council have since submitted a planning application for the change of use from public open space to private garden use. A Middlesbrough Council spokesman said: "The owners of the properties have requested to purchase the land to the rear of their houses."
Local news . . . . . excitement all the way!
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