Over my cup of tea, I perused the TV page, and wondered if I had missed anything good (which I considered highly unlikely) but more importantly, whether there was anything worth watching during the afternoon. How useless is terrestrial TV! The pathetic ITV schedule deserves a mention now, as I found the line-up a bit of a joke After a dose of CITV, programmes started at 8.25am.
8.25 May The Best House Win - Homeowners in north London rate one another's properties. (R) What absolute shit for entertainment that is! And how sad that the participants have not got anything better to do with their lives.
9.25 Dickinson's Real Deal - A grandfather clock is sold in Cheltenham. (R) How exciting for all concerned. The programme may have looked a bit more inviting if the word "clock" had not featured in the explanation of the hour-long waste of life.
10.25 60 Minute Makeover - Richard and the team are called to Liverpool to transform the home of a mother-to-be who spends a lot of her spare time working for a charity. (R) So, charity workers obviously qualify for a makeover and cannot of course have a decent looking abode as well as help in a soup kitchen. I have heard it said by some that it's Liverpool which needs the makeover . . . . .
11.30 This Morning: Sunday - Highlights of the week's programmes. Notice that there's no "R" in brackets after this programme? Technically the programme itself is not a repeat because it is not a rerun of something; no, it's simply a presentation of repeats to while away an hour of your life.
12.30 Dinner Date - Potential suitors woo Harriet from Manchester. (R) Is Harriet that fuckin' desperate? As for "suitors", we're not exactly in the nineteenth century, and I rather think they're after a bit more than a "woo". Fifty-five minutes devoted to Harriet (for the second time, you'll note).
This brought me to 1.25pm, and I could have turned on the TV to wave off Harriet and attend to ten minutes of news and weather. I chose not to do this, nor to prepare for the following programme:
1.35 Survival: Tales From The Wild - The story of a male chimp and the lessons it learns from its father - along with a few bad habits. Not a repeat, but a strange choice of programme, and perhaps selected for viewing in light of it being Father's Day (?) Is there a subtle suggestion that we are a nation of chimps/chumps teaching our offspring bad habits? Let's please leave Wayne Rooney out of this.
2.30 Inspector Morse - The detective looks into the apparent suicide of an Oxford Don - and discovers he has an unexpected and painful link to the man's widow. (R) How many more Dons are there left to be killed in Oxford? If I was called Don, I'd either change my name, or move to another location (which may be made easier through the efforts of the tits who ply us with 'Escape to the Country', or to 'A Place in the Sun'). This repeat is a mind numbing 2hrs long.
4.35 Midsomer Murders - A sex scandal resurfaces following the murder of a former detective, and Barnaby assesses the involvement of staff at a centre for reformed criminals. Last in series. (R) The last three words are clearly the most helpful and satisfying, although with each series re-re-repeated, there's no telling how many more Sunday's will be turned into the equivalent of sensory deprivation sessions. Are "reformed" criminals those who are created from mechanically retrieved body pieces, like reformed ham? Anyway, I decided that I would not be watching this, and that if I ever did turn on the TV while this programme was on, I would probably have the misfortune to clock someone called Don, and of course I'd instantly know he would be next on the list of people destined to die. I'd have no fuckin' sympathy because he should have picked somewhere further from Oxford!
By the time this shit ends, it'll be the news, and we are at 7.00pm for a dose of The Royal. I am not really into that, but at least it's not a repeat. So, 7pm before anything worth assessing (as Barnaby is good at doing, we're told) arrives on ITV. It all goes horribly wrong though, an hour later, when we're into the bollocks that is Pop Star to Opera Star, but I've already said all that needs saying about this rubbish on an earlier post.
Scanning the rest of the TV page highlighted some rather standard phrases associated with films and their stars. It is superfluous to mention some things, as the following example demonstrates:
Decision At Sundown - Western, starring Randolph Scott. Everything starring Randolph Scott is a western! So at 12.30 on BBC2 I can see Randolph way out west. If I look slightly to the east (to the Channel 5 column actually) I can see another film listed at 1.20.
Ten Wanted Men - Western, starring Randolph Scott. I have in fact noticed that Randolph prefers to show his face on a Sunday. Randolph is not the only star whose name is indelibly linked with a certain film or film genre. Straight after we've dealt with these ten men, there's another film listed.
Operation Crossbow - World War II adventure starring George Peppard. Is there any other sort of World War II film, or George Peppard film? Next, another film. Let me quote the description before giving the film name, and see if you can guess what it is.
Comedy sequel starring Steve Guttenberg. That's right, a film has already formed in your mind, but you're not quite sure whether it's number 2 or number 7. Well, there are of course so many Police Academy films. Today's offering is in fact number 4 (Citizens on Patrol) which is shit. On Saturday, there was a film described as "Comedy, starring Reg Varney", and so it could only have been On The Buses (which it was) or a sequel.
So there you have it, a viewing summary of a quirky, crappy, pointless Sunday. I would however like to note the potential interest at 4.55pm to those of the public who are both sports fanatics and bible fanatics. This odd pairing is catered for superbly by Songs of Praise, as Aled Jones takes a tour of London's Olympic Stadium, and introduces hymns and songs from Britain.
To end the day, there is a listing at 11.10pm for Andrew Marr's Megacities. I personally think that his efforts are of no value at all, and in fact do damage. Thus, it would be more accurate if the BBC were to drop an "r" from his surname. I am sure you can work out why. Here's a definition to help those of you who need help . . .
mar (mär)
tr.v. marred, mar·ring, mars
1. To inflict damage, especially disfiguring damage, on.
2. To impair the soundness, perfection, or integrity of; spoil.
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